Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 11 - Picks!

Just another player in your game or two... You may hate me but it ain't no lie...

Hello again, football fans! Welcome to Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 11!

Yes, YOUR Minnesota Vikings are on the bye this week, but that doesn't mean our NFL coverage stops (and, evidently, neither do the Vikings cheerleaders).

As you can see, Mr. Otto is still thinking thoughts about the NFL and we here at Newest Industry feel like we would be selling you short if we didn't give them to you. I mean, really, what else are you going to do on a Saturday night? Go out to the bar? See a movie? Call up your girlfriends? Get all sexy to go out with your girlfriends? Drink gin & tonics and look sexy with your girlfriends? We know you're sitting at home refreshing the computer, waiting and hoping for the moment Mike's knowledge bombs arrive, spraying knowledge shrapnel all over your iPad.

At least, that's what we assume you're doing. Say “hi” to your girlfriends for us. We're around.

Mikes record (including Thursday's game) is 98-65-1.

Anyway, let's get to the games. Michael, thoughts on Week 11?

Interesting week in the NFL! My picks went 9-4-1 and Christian Ponder had a bounce-back performance as I predicted.

Being that it is the Vikings bye week, I am going to wait to fully recap the dominant performance against the Lions until next week. Hell, I deserve a break too.

Now, let's all just cross our fingers and hope nobody gets arrested over the next week (including me).

On to the picks!

Green Bay (6-3) at Detroit (4-5)

Aaron Rodgers is going to destroy the Lions secondary. Christian Ponder looked like a Pro Bowl quarterback against them for God's sake! What's an actual Pro Bowl QB going to look like?

Probably some sort of pass-throwing automaton with shitty facial hair.

Detroit's success was so short-lived that I feel a little bad for them...

Wait, no I don't! Fuck off, Detroit!

Packers win 38-26

(Fuck off, Green Bay too)

Arizona (4-5) at Atlanta (8-1)

Bird battle. Battle Birds.

Battle of the birds?

Much like the outcome would be in nature, you have to believe the Falcons will devour the Cards.

Or do you? I smell an upset in this one.

Cardinals coming out of the bye, seeing a suddenly vulnerable Falcons team that just lost their first game? I'm guessing Matty Ice's confidence is shaking and he can't help but think, “here we go again” with the late season struggles.

Calling a big upset. Cards win 20-19.

Tampa Bay (5-4) at Carolina (2-7)

Josh Freeman has played his way out of his role as my punching bag. I can say all the terrible things I want about the “Tampa Culpepper,” but it would make me look dumb (as it has numerous times this season).

Now, let the record show that I feel quite comfortable looking dumb. However, I'm trying to flip the script... turn the page... jibber the rigging.

So do your thing, J-Free! Ball hard! Bucs win 28-23.

Cleveland (2-7) at Dallas (4-5)

Perpetual man-child Brandon Weeden takes his band of poorly dressed, average football players on the road to Jerry Jones' “House Of Crazy" (patent pending).

Hide your kids! Don't let them watch! Especially if you ever want them to have a chance at playing fundamentally sound football. Between these two teams I'll bet we see 20 penalties.

Jerry Jones will die with his cold, icy hands all over the Cowboys franchise and that's just too bad. From time to time I actually myself feeling for Tony Romo. Then I walk out my front door and ride my dragon to my job at the brandy factory.

Cowboys win 24-19.

New York Jets (3-6) at Does It Really Matter?

Really though, does it? I could put any team in the NFL (and probably a few Canadian teams) as the home team and the result would be the same. The opponent doesn't matter right now.

All that matters is this: It's Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan, and the Jets are on the road.

They will lose.

They will look stupid.

They will finger point.

What a disaster. Rex Ryan has completely lost this team. I will take Any Team to beat the Jets this weekend 35-13.

(Editor's Note: The Jets play the St. Louis Rams this week.  To quote Mikey, "does it really matter?")

Cincinnati (4-5) at Kansas City (1-8)

Fear not, Kansas City! Brady Quinn has been cleared to play!

Turns out he could have been cleared weeks ago, but kept failing the concussion test because of his lazy eye and his response to every question was “Muscle Milk!”

It took the Chiefs training staff weeks to realize that's just normal Brady.

Reports indicate Matt Cassel is going to start anyway, which really makes him the loser in all of this. Bengals win 17-6.

Jacksonville (1-8) at Houston (8-1)

Wait, they're actually going to play this game? If this were Madden 2013 I would definitely do the “quick simulate” on this one.

The only chance the Jaguars have is if a pregame meteor blows up Matt Schaub, Arian Foster, Andre Johnson, J.J. Watt, David Carr's ghost AND all their first born sons.

Even then, it's still a close game in the 4^th quarter. Texans win big 42-20.

New Orleans (4-5) at Oakland (3-6)

The Raiders defense is in such shambles that they let Joe Flacco drop 55 on them! I'm not even mad. That's impressive.

Drew Brees could study the construction of floral arrangements all week. No need for a game plan in this one. Just show up. That's as far as the Saints game plan needs to go this week.

Carson Palmer, you should have stayed retired. Saints win big, 110-17.

San Diego (4-5) at Denver (6-3)

Norv Turner has officially gone into “freak out” mode. I watched his post-game presser last week and left being more certain of one truth than ever before: Norv Turner is not a man.

Here me out here.

He can't even get mad like a man. His voice gets all high pitched, his eyes well up with tears, and he asks snarky rhetorical questions. You know who that sounds like? Most girlfriends I've had!

Also, generally, women aren't good at coaching football. Most women like wearing baby blue. It's always a woman doing those Pro-Activ commercials. All those acne scars? You know Norv is on that Pro-Activ payroll.

I've just given you plenty of checkmarks for the “Norv's A Woman” column. If anyone has any evidence Norv isn't a female masquerading as a terrible NFL coach, please tweet it to me: @SwervinTaters

Until then I'm going to call him Norva Turner. It's OK, Norva. I'd be sad if Philip Rivers was my boyfriend too. Broncos win 38-24.

Indianapolis (6-3) at New England (6-3)

Andy Lucky!

Chucky Strongy!

Andy Lucky!

Chucky Strongy!

I think the rookie goes to Cocksborough and shows up Captain America!

“I may not be banging a supermodel, Tom Brady, but I'm balls deep in your end zone right now!” - Andrew Luck after this Sunday's game.

Colts win 27-24.

(Editor's Note: Newest Industry refuses to divulge its sources from the future. Also, Andy Lucky refers to everybody by their full name. Of course, we refer to him as Andy Lucky.  We suppose fair is fair.)

Baltimore (7-2) at Pittsburgh (6-3)

Byron Leftwich is still alive?!?

How are the Steelers going to win without team captain and groping specialist Big Ben?

He is the only quarterback to have a British clock tower named after him.

Being that this is a Mike Tomlin-coached team, I think the Steelers keep this one close but lose in the end. Ravens win 21-17.

Chicago (7-2) at San Francisco (6-2-1)

Jay Cutler is officially out for this game.

He also, officially, has a really weird neck.

Moss gets in the end zone against these Bears. He was burning Charles Tillman during the cornerback's early years. Mr. Peanut Tillman will find out just how little things have changed in the last 10 years.

And I'll be laughing! Niners win 19-16.

Wait... this just in... Jay Cutler's status for Monday Night's game has officially been changed from “out” to “out of the closet.”

Boom! There you have it, America! Week 11 is almost certainly going to play out exactly as you've just read. May as well skip football this Sunday. Hang out around the house. Take your wifey to brunch. Check your text messages to make sure your girlfriends don't need rides home from a night of terrible mistakes (we're not writing blogs 24/7 y'know.  We get out sometimes).

For more of young Michael Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Remember, he's giving out free retweets to anybody who can prove the existence of Norva Turner's penis.

 


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