Ten & Six With Mike Otto: The 2014 Draft Class

The future's looking bright... and wouldn't I be exactly what it's lookin' like...

Well, hello again, Vikings fans!  Welcome to a special mid-summer edition of Ten & Six!

Mike Otto's spent most of the offseason sipping drinky drinks in exotic locations, but his love for The Purple hasn't wavered.  In a fit of draft-based excitement he abandoned the easy life of the non-blogger, busted out his computer, and got back to work.

Mikey, what'd you think of this year's draft for YOUR Minnesota Vikings?

With the Vikings 2014 draft now in the rear view mirror and all the picks signed to new deals of varying lucrative value, I think it's an appropriate time to take a look at the new guys most likely to make the final roster.

I have a good feeling about this draft class. I really believe The Vikings might have picked up a couple future Pro Bowlers, but before we start fitting anybody for HOF jackets, let's have a glance at what they potentially bring to the table. From top to bottom, lets roll!

Round 1: Pick 9

Anthony Barr

Linebacker - UCLA

6'5", 255 lbs.

Physically, Barr is a freak of nature. In terms of experience at his current position, though, he only has 2 years. Barr switched from full back to 3-4 OLB his Junior year and never looked back.

In 2012, he battled through a concussion and a broken finger to start all 14 games, recording 83 tackles (21 for loss), 13.5 sacks, 5 pass break-ups, 4 forced fumbles, a blocked kick and a safety. He also did the world a favor and dealt a season ending blow to then USC QB Matt Barkley. Not too shabby for your first year playing a new position. His senior year was no different, it started with a concussion in fall camp but it didn't cause him to miss a start. In 13 games at ROLB he tallied 65 tackles (20 for loss), 10 sacks, 5 forced fumbles and a pass break-up.

Barr represents an immediate upgrade at LB for the Vikings and barring injury should easily replace Chad Greenway as the best LB on the roster. After losing Jared Allen in free agency, Barr's ability to get into the backfield and after the QB was highly coveted by Spiel, Zim and Zyg. That sounds like an awful Vegas act if I ever heard one. Can't wait to watch this guy play.

Round 2: Pick 32

Teddy Bridgewater

Quarterback - Louisville

6'2", 214 lbs

In 3 years starting at Louisville Bridgewater completed 68% of his passes for 9,817 yards, with 72 TD's compared to 24 INT's. Gaudy numbers no doubt somewhat inflated by inferior competition. Worth noting, when given a chance to play top ranked SEC defenses in bowl games, he dominated them as well.

Though he is a bit lean and lanky, he only missed one start in college due to a fractured wrist and sprained ankle he sustained in a triple OT loss against UCONN (Ugh...). He finished that game with aforementioned injuries, leading a furious comeback only to fall shirt in OT. Undeniably, a very gutty performance.

Bridgewater is really a student of the game. He ran a pro-style west coast offense at Louisville. He recognizes the blitz very well, anticipating where it will come from and making necessary adjustments. He has the ability to step up into the pocket and keep eyes downfield in the face of pressure. He's not much of a threat to run, looking very awkward in the open field. Last year against Cincinnati, his game was noticeably affected by cold, windy conditions. Struggles to drive the ball through wind. Desperately needs to bulk up. Would like to see him add at least 5 pounds of muscle or durability could be an issue.

Bottom line, the Vikings got great value snagging Bridgewater at 32. Six months ago, if you had told me my favorite team would land a top ten defensive talent AND Teddy Bridgewater, I would have told you to lay off the dope. He is a gamer, he works hard and wants nothing more than to perfect his craft. He has a few big hurdles to jump. The slight frame, smaller-than-ideal hands and questions about his arm strength. We need patience with this guy, he's just 21 years old, (born in 93?!? Jesus...) so let's not freak out if he doesn't win the starting job right away. Now if he marries a blonde ESPN reporter and starts staring down receivers, TIME TO FREAK THE FUCK OUT!

Round 3: Pick 72

Scott Crichton

Defensive End - Oregon State

6'2", 273 lbs

Long arms and a lean, muscular build. Can get under a tackles pads and drive them back. Quick off the snap with decent technique puts him in good position to make plays. Probably would have benefited by going back to Oregon State for his senior year. Dominated by double teams. Seems to lack a plan when rushing the QB. Can get sucked into the line and lose containment. A raw talent that will require a lot of coaching and patience. Cocluded his 3 year career with the O-State Beavers (there's a joke somewhere in there) as the leader in forced fumbles (10) and 3rd in sacks (22.5). Revealed at the combine that he left school a year early to support his family. His mother works 2 jobs and his father still works even though he has an amputated leg (life is hard, kids). Rooting for this guy. He's at least 3 years and 15 pounds of muscle away from being a starter in this league.

Round 3: Pick 96

Jerick McKinnon

Running Back - Georgia Southern

5'9", 209 lbs

Was really an everyman for GSU. Mainly an offensive threat, but did tally 2 INT's and a handful of tackles at cornerback over his college career. 2012, his best year in college by far, he really broke out, starting 14 games, 4 at running back and the final 10 at QB (figure it out Georgia Southern) rushing for 1,817 yards and 20 TD's on 269 carries and going 20-49 for 597 yards with 7 TD's compared to 3 INT's through the air. Throw in one catch for 15 yards and you really have one impressive, bullshit division II college football performance.

Great athlete. Top 5 performer in 7 combine drills. Bench presses twice his weight and squats 3 times his weight (damn, dude!). As mentioned before, he has good versatility, he has superb work ethic, and finishes every run hard, always falling forward for a couple extra yards. Solid, efficient cut blocker. More than likely will get very limited touches his first year, filling the extra blocker roll on passing downs for the Vikings. Not elusive at all, looks hesitant and stiff at times. Hopeful he can become a solid 3rd down/spell back for AP in the years to come.

Round 5: Pick 145

David Yankey

Offensive Lineman - Stanford

6'6", 315 lbs

Very good size. He is one big fella! Projected to go in the 2nd-3rd round, finding him in the 5th was really a steal. Versatile. Played both tackles and guards in college and had success at every spot. Smart, dependable and durable. Can be effective in a short pull from either guard spot. Does not overpower defenders, stiff technique at times, once he is beat, he does not recover. 100% certain he will play guard for Vikings, barring injuries to the tackles. Won't get any style points from that position, but will generally get the job done. Great value pick and a great addition in terms of offensive line depth. 

Round 6: Pick 182

Antone Exum

Cornerback/Safety - Virginia Tech

6'0", 213 lbs

Besides having one badass name, Antone Exum adds depth to the Vikings secondary, having played full college years at both safety and cornerback, and having success at both challenging positions. Starting all 14 games in 2011 at safety he tallied 89 tackles (5 for loss), 10 pass break-ups and 1 INT with 1.5 sacks and 2 forced fumbles. Antone moved to CB in in 2012 and in 13 starts tallied 48 tackles (2 for loss), 16 pass break-ups, 5 INT's with 2 forced fumbles. Good balls skills and body control, thickly defined muscle packed onto his 6 foot frame. Used as an effective gunner and jammer on special teams in college. Average quickness and burst, would struggle in jump balls against NFL receivers. Needs coaching on technique, likes to do things his own way (which won't work in the NFL). Extremely confident, bordering on cocky, likely will face a reality check. Had arthroscopic knee surgery to clean up damaged ligament cartilage in the off-season, which made him slip in the draft. Must prove he still has the same physical presence he flashed in college. Not fast/athletic enough to play CB in the NFL. Vikings will use him as a safety/special teams beast. 

Late Round Flotsam Projects

CB Kendeall James (pick 184), DT Shamar Stephen (pick 220), LB Brandon Watts (pick 223), CB Jabari Price (pick 225) will all, in a best case scenario, be practice-squad bound. Worst case scenario, look for some new Metro Transit bus drivers on your favorite routes come September.

Overall, a very impressive draft class on paper, I'll get back to you in two years mmmmmmmkay?

Enjoy the summer everybody, keep it weird. 

There you have it, football fans!  Lots of potential on both sides of the ball.  Don't worry if you can't remember these names tomorrow - you'll know them well by 2018 when the Vikings become the first team to play in a Super Bowl it's also hosting!

Sorry, got carried away with the optimism.  It's the offseason.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin during the offseason.  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.     

 

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: The Mike Zimmer Hiring

Zimmer down now...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!

While the rest of the NFL continues to focus on such trivialities as "records," "legacies," and, y'know, "actual football games," the Vikings have had a whirlwind couple of weeks.  First they fired their head coach Leslie Frazier.  Stoic, even-keeled, well-respected, but ultimately very average, Frazier evidently didn't fit the traditional model of the Vikings franchise.

In an effort to find a coach who would more align with the Vikings tradition of passion, hubris, & an almost schizophrenic pattern of season-by-season competence, the brass looked outside of the organization.

Enter new head coach Mike Zimmer.  The former Cincinnati defensive coordinator will be given the big chair at Winter Park in an effort to co-opts some of that notorious Cincinnati Bengals winning culture.

Mikey, what do ya think of the new guy?

"I'm not going to go out there and just chew butts, like everyone says..."

That was a quote from the ninth Vikings head coach, Mike Zimmer during in his first press conference in the position. If only there were nine starting quarterbacks in franchise history (for the record, there have been 35).

All jokes aside, Mike Zimmer seems like a strong minded, confident coach. You can tell he believes in himself, and that's half the battle. At times last year, you could tell Leslie Frazier was defeated, you could tell that perhaps doubt had crept into his mind regarding whether he was cut out for the job of head coach in the NFL.

Mike Zimmer doesn't mince words. He is going to answer questions honestly and generally gives off the aura of a wise ass (with wisdom) that you might meet at the Minneapolis Auto Convention. "No, Mike Zimmer, I don't want to buy a 2014 Dodge Viper....

....
....

OK, I'll buy a 2014 Dodge Viper."

After his first press conference I can tell the man exudes confidence, but not in a Tim Brewster way (thank you, dear Lord). Brewster knew he was just spouting bullshit about Rose Bowls and Pasadena. You can tell Mike Zimmer has conviction behind his words, he believes everything he says. He is well spoken and humorous yet professional behind the podium. It looks like he was meant to stand there. Speaking of...

"I was destined to do this...I don't want to just be a defense guy, I want to call plays for the offense, I will be in all the meetings. As a defensive minded coach, I know what hurts certain defenses."

I agree, and I like having a defensive-minded head coach. I feel like it is easier for a defensive-minded head coach to grasp and understand what makes an offense dangerous than it is for an offensive-minded head coach to understand what makes a good defense. Zimmer seems like a natural leader, a real manager of different personalities, which is an incredibly necessary trait for a head coach in the modern day NFL.

"I have a chip on my shoulder, I want 31 other teams to know I'm here. I'm pretty good at my job, I'm pretty good at what I do."

Nothing wrong with that. Leslie Frazier always seemed to have a lack of chip-on-shoulder. I know he cared about his job, I just wish he showed it to the public every once and a while. I'm excited to see what Mike Zimmer can do with guys like Xavier Rhodes, Shariff Floyd, and whatever rookies the Vikings choose to draft on defense this year. He is a self-proclaimed and proven motivator of men, so I'm excited to see him mold some young guys into rounded out veterans.

"I want teachers, I want leaders. Great motivators and technicians."

So he wants a teacher, Bill Clinton, Dr. Oz and a mechanic? Zimmer would not commit to any of his staff yet with any certainty, as that process is still playing itself out. There have been rumors of a certain pock-marked whore being in negotiations for the offensive coordinator position, a prospect of which can only bring good things. Whether those things are the product of actual success on the football field, or simply the hilarity that follows Norv Turner wherever he goes, has yet to be decided. 

"I want to grab these players hearts and get them to follow me."

Originally a quote from the one and only Vince Lombardi, Mike Zimmer seems to want to build a family as much as a football team, and maybe he can do both. I certainly hope so, and at the very least, after this inaugural press conference, he has sold Vikings fans everywhere on his brand of coaching. I like the guy, and if he has his way, he will hoist Lombardi himself. 

Well there you have it, Vikings fans!  Mike Zimmer:  He will be in all the meetings.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  Mike will be joining us occasionally throughout the offseason to discuss the happenings around our favorite football squad.

 

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.     

Ten & Six With Mike Otto - Week 15 (Thursday Bonus!)

Better ingredients, better pizza...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six's Week 15 kickoff!

The Vikings managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in a new and exciting way last weekend in Baltimore.  Of course, Mike will be here on Saturday to discuss yet another chapter in the Vikings illustrious history of disappointment.

This Thursday, however, brings an intriguing matchup as mustache aficionado Philip Rivers & the Chargers head to Denver to take on pizza franchise/cable TV/neck surgery spokesman Peyton Manning & the Denver Broncos.

Mikey, who takes the W tonight?

San Diego (6-7) at Denver (11-2)

San Diego fans, you know what this week is all to well. This is the week of the year where your dim playoff hopes get flushed down the toilet once again, along with an 8 ounce glass of Phillip Rivers tears (at least). 

The Chargers have no chance whatsoever to win this game. They might make it close for one or two quarters, but unfortunately for them, modern NFL games run the course of 4 quarters.

Peyton Manning is going to carve this defense up. Eric Decker might catch another 4 TD's.

I feel for San Diego fans, it can't be easy. Their brand of failure is a special type. The potential for success seems constantly at the finger tips of their favorite franchise, yet just far enough away to ever be grasped and realized. Let us pray for the Chargers and their fans. To win this game on Thursday Night Football, they will truly need divine intervention.

Final Score

Denver Broncos: 31
San Diego Chargers: 20

There you have it, folks.  The San Diego Chargers find themselves screwed yet again by the rules of the modern NFL.

As we mentioned above, be sure to stop by Newest Industry as Mikey breaks down what went right and what went horribly, horribly wrong in Baltimore.  He'll also break down this week's Vikings/Eagles game by giving us some keys to the game, some matchups to watch, and his All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week.  All of that plus the rest of his league picks!

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

  

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 14 (Thursday Bonus!)

Khan!!!!!!!

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome to the Ten & Six: Week 14 kickoff!

We certainly hope you all had a fun, filling, and safe holiday, but now it's time to get down to business.  The NFL enters the home stretch tonight with an epic matchup of the Texans & the Jaguars!

Mikey, the Texans entered the season with high expectations and have failed miserably.  The Jaguars entered the season with no expectations and, remarkably, still didn't meet them.

Break this thing down for us...

Houston (2-10) at Jacksonville (3-9)

This game will more than likely decide who gets the number one pick in next year's draft. Both these teams are epically terrible and thus, both epically deserving of the first pick.

Get this: statistically, the Texans are a top 10 offensive team AND a top 5 defensive team this year. How does that work? Simple, stats don't mean shit. They mean less than shit. When Case Keenum and Matt Shaub are turning the ball over like they're philanthropists facing a defense composed of homeless beggars, stats mean absolutely nothing.

The Texans play good teams close, and bad teams even closer. Everything really is bigger in Texas, especially putrid failure.

Final Score

Houston Texans: 24
Jacksonville Jaguars: 27

There  you have it, folks!  A victory for the Jaguars means the Texans get a step closer to the #1 pick and, in doing so, perhaps ensure that the Jaguars fall enough in the draft that they can't draft a quarterback, ensuring yet another season of Blaine Gabbert in Jacksonville.  The Texans are playing the long con.

Be sure to swing back here to Newest Industry on Saturday for Mikey's take on the Vikings victory over the Bears, his breakdown of this week's game in Baltimore, and, of course, the rest of his league picks!

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

 

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 13 - Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings

If you don't know by now I'm talkin' 'bout Chi-town...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six: Week 13!

We hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving, especially those of you in Wisconsin.  Hey, at least the Packers held the Lions to 40.

With the Lions putting a nail in the coffin of the Packers NFC North hopes, the focus now shifts to beautiful Minneapolis.  The Bears and their 32nd ranked run defense come to town to face off against Adrian Peterson, the greatest running back on the face of the Earth, needing a win to keep pace with Detroit.

Mikey, tell us all about it.

CHICAGO BEARS (6-5) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-8-1)

Now that Tie-gate is nearly a week in the rear view mirror I find myself more disappointed in the outcome than ever before. Granted, the Lions absolute destruction of the Packers made me feel momentarily sane once again, (in a "sporting world" sense) but it also made me realize just how bad the Vikings defense played against Matt Flynn in the 4th quarter last week. Matt Flynn is not good at football, and the Vikings secondary made him look like a young Joey Montana by the end of last week. The Packers had no business coming back to send that game into overtime, yet somehow they did.

The worst part about all of this? You can't blame any of it on Christian Ponder! That's no way to live. He's my favorite Purple scapegoat. Well what's done is done and lets thank god for that. Let's look at some positive(s) and negatives from last week.

As always, the positive(s) first.

Positive(s):

-Audie Cole  I've been begging for this coaching staff to give him some playing time ever since he picked off the Bills twice (taking one to the house) in his first pre-season. He never saw regular season action until last week and he made the most of it, tallying a sack and a couple of beautiful hits on the QB. He did exactly what a young MLB is supposed to do, run downhill towards the football with reckless abandon, making a couple plays in the backfield in the process. Something Erin Henderson's drunk ass has failed to do all year. Have another drink, Erin, I hope you never start at MLB again. 

-Cordarrelle Patterson  He has been seeing increased playing time week by week and tallied a career high in receptions against the Packers with 5 catches in 9 targets. I would have liked to see him make one more important catch late in the game, on a deep ball that was perfectly placed by Ponder (hard to believe, but it's true). Those ball skills will come with time, but it's great to see the rookie wideout get more involved as time goes on.

Negatives:

-Late Game Defense  This Vikings defense has been epically bad all year in the final quarter when an opposing team decides the only way to get back in the game is through the air. It seems like every week the Vikings defensive players and coaches are finding a new way to screw the pooch and piss away a close game. Watching this shit was terrible the first time, the fact that it has happened time and time again is indescribably terrible. Week after week, the one thing you can count on is the Vikings defense choking away a close game.

Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:

Key #1:  Hit Them Hard, Hit Them Early

Last week the Rams blew out the Bears by getting early turnovers and turning them into touchdowns. The Bears are defensively depleted after a series of injuries to starters and their ability to protect a short field is practically non-existent. Force them into early turnovers and make them pay and the offense won't have the firepower to come back.

Key #2:  Josh McCown Sucks, Remind Him Of That

A man's confidence is only as strong as the last time he was horribly maimed. Harass him, and make sure every time he drops back he is fearing for his pathetic life. The Vikings owe McCown payback for 2003 at Sun Devil stadium, when he and a pathetic Cardinals team knocked the Vikings out of the playoffs with their win. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and this one is nearly frozen. Time to teach McCown an important lesson: that he's a worthless fuck.

Key #3:  Contain Matt Forte

The Bears offense will go as he goes. The passing game only has a chance to get going if Forte can find some room on the ground. Stop him in his tracks and the Bears will suddenly become very one dimensional. The Vikings secondary is really bad, and the only chance they have is to know exactly what's coming. The only way to accomplish that is by making any yardage gained on the ground hard earned and painful.

Two Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1:  Audie Cole vs. The Pressure Of His Second Start

Audie had a good game last week and now faces the pressure of having expectations placed upon him for the first time in his very young career. Sometimes a bit of pressure is enough to throw a young man's game. He stops playing and starts thinking too much. Football isn't a thinking man's game, so let's hope he just keeps hitting things hard.

Matchup #2:  Cordarrelle Patterson vs. The Depleted Bears Secondary

No Peanut Tillman and the rookie looks primed for a break out game. This could be the perfect recipe for his first hundred yard receiving game and let's hope he finds the endzone once or twice.

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week

You guessed it!  Cordarrelle Patterson, wide receiver, YOUR Minnesota Vikings

He has to break through at some point right? Why not Sunday! 110 Yards/1 TD

Final Takes

The Bears are easily my second least favorite team, and they typically have a bad time when they come to the Dome. No Cutler, no Tillman, no win for the Bears.

The Vikings were on the doorstep of a divisional victory last week and I think they will finish the job off on Sunday. The Bears are down, and they're about to be out. Look for big games from AP, Cordarrelle and another solid performance from rookie LB Audie Cole. It all adds up to a Vikings victory.

Final Score

Chicago Bears: 23
Minnesota Vikings: 27

There you have it, folks!  The Vikings nearly played spoiler in Green Bay last week and they complete the task this week!

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin on a Sunday.  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.        

Ten & Six With Mike Otto - Week 13 (Thanksgiving Spectacular!)

I miss Pat Summerall...

Well hello again, turkey fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six!

It's Thanksgiving week, which means that Mike's usual Thursday Kickoff has been expanded to belt-busting proportions this week.  There's big games in Detroit & Baltimore, giving fans in those cities to take a day off from... um... not working.  There's also a not so big game in Dallas, which provides a fine opportunity to take a trytophan-induced nap.

Mikey, what do we have to look forward to this year?

The Vikings are just trolling everyone at this point. They managed to play a pathetic Packers team to a tie, completely fucking over their draft position and giving Packer fans a glimmer of hope for the playoffs in the process. All in all, the worst possible outcome.

With a loss the Vikings would have currently owned the 1st overall pick in next year's draft, with a win they would still be picking 4th overall, which they are now after the tie. A TIE. A FUCKING TIE. No satisfaction, no bragging rights, and no honor of being the team to dagger the Packers playoff hopes. Fat, dumb Packer fans were only kind of sad as a result of this game, as opposed to jumping out the second story of their Po Barns, as I was hoping for.

I'm still seeing red as a result of that game, and although their were some positives to take away from that new and inventive complete fucking disaster, I'm going to wait to examine the in-depth details until I've decompressed a bit more.

For now let's focus on an NFL tradition! You guessed it, we have some Turkey Day football to dissect! Let's hope the Lions stop playing like turkeys and decide to carve the Packers up like one instead. Megatron! Stafford! Flynn! Lacy! Terrible!

Green Bay (5-5-1) at Detroit (6-5)

There may be a turkey shortage in America but there won't be one in Detroit come Thursday! How many more turkey jokes do you think I can squeeze into these 3 picks? Take a guess! Closest guess wins my unwavering disdain.

The Lions typically break out their best game on Thanksgiving, they puff out their chests, display their great throwback plumage, and strut around Ford Field like cock of the walk. Now, granted, usually their "best game" is only good enough for a 3 or 4 point loss. Hopefully this year is different. CLUCK NOT FUCK! CLUCK NOT FUCK!

Stafford, you're not really going to let a "Matt Flynn" come into your bankrupt house and tell you to collect the trash more than once a month, are you? Sure, Detroit only has 23 operational ambulances, (sadly, that's not a joke) and sure there are a few abandoned schools and hospitals here and there, (who needs learning and medical care anyway?) but Detroit and the urban goats that own control of downtown D still have their pride OK? They aren't gonna let a bunch of hayseeds come into town with their "electricity" and "social order" and show up their goddamn football team on the day of Thanksgiving! Urban goat power! Not as good as urban electrical power mind you, but hey, at least when the rest of this country goes in the shitter, the residents of Detroit will have a head start on how to handle the dismal, bleak Hell-scape that will be all our realities. The Lions win one for the goats on Turkey Day, 31-24.

Oakland (4-7) at Dallas (6-5)

The Cowboys can be thankful for this cupcake opponent in this years Dallas-based shitshow. It will more than likely be a Matt McGloin-led Raiders team that heads into Dallas, and here I always thought the McGloin was a part of the turkey you cut off and discarded before the meal. Turns out, it's actually this year's best option at quarterback for the Raiders. This year it's a "Matt McGloin," next year it's a "Chad Wishbone" (The only wish he won't be able to grant is a competent passing game).

The Cowboys will make this game more difficult than it needs to be because they always do. Last week, Dez Bryant was dropping the football on the ground like he was a vegan carrying a turkey with sabotage on the mind. Dez gets over his droppsies and maybe one day gets a name with 4 letters. Cowboys win, 23-16.

Pittsburgh (5-6) at Baltimore (5-6)

Suddenly this unnecessary third Thanksgiving Day game has some meaning! Both teams are 5-6 and it's still hard to believe Joe Flacco is the highest paid QB in the NFL. That dufus really cashed in on the gravy train and now seems content to go back to being undeniably average.

Ben Broethlisberger (see what I did there) has his team on a hot streak that seems unlikely yet is still occurring. Never bet against a Mike Tomlin-led squad's ability to find a way to win games. Even when you're the oldest, slowest, ugliest turkeys left in the yard you have something going for you: nobody wants to kill and eat you anymore. (Obligatory pause to pat myself on the back for that stellar Pittsburgh-Steelers-are-old-unwanted-turkeys-that-no-one-wants-to-kill metaphor).

This might be the most competitive and compelling game of the day and of course the only one you will need a hundred-dollar-a-month cable package to watch. Who's the turkey now? Gobble Gobble. Steelers keep it going and get the "W", 26-24.

If you guessed 8 turkey jokes in 3 picks, good job!  Don't worry about that whole unwavering disdain thing, you probably already had that anyway. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY! Talk to all 15 of you on Saturday when I get back to the sad task of talking Vikings football. Until then stay safe and don't forget to feed your local urban goat.

There you have it, folks!  Three games less exciting than your aunt's candied yams!  Happy Thanksgiving, America!  Remember, as tough as things may seem, all but one of you can be thankful you're not Mike McCarthy.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.       

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 12 (Thursday Bonus!)

If you like fish & grits & all that pimp shit...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six's Week 12 kickoff!

It's Thursday night, which means it's time for our old friend Mike Otto to ease his way into this week's action.  The Vikings head to Lambea Field to take on the Packers this Sunday, which means Mikey should have plenty to say when he breaks that game down on Saturday.

Tonight, however, brings an NFC South showdown between two franchises responsible for more than their share of the alcoholism that runs rampant among the Purple faithful: The New Orleans Saints and the Atlanta Falcons.

Mikey, who takes the W tonight?

New Orleans (8-2) at Atlanta (2-8)

What looked like a tantalizing late-season divisional matchup at the beginning of the season now has all the looks of an easy Saints victory.

Tony Gonzalez was mic'd up for last week's loss to the Bucs and before the game FOX went to the live feed of his mic.  The following quote is saddening, reeking of a guy who was dragged back to a team half-heartedly.

"It's Sunday, time for football.  Football hurts.  Yeah, I'm sore, what can you do?  This is football."

What can you do indeed.  That poor bastard.

The only thing sadder than those quotes is the Falcons receiving corps without Julio Jones.

In my opinion the Saints got bailed out against the Niners by a bullshit "roughing the passer" penalty where Drew Brees got absolutely destroyed by a clothesline that, while initially connecting with his chest, was flagged simply because of how violent the collision appeared.

THIS IS FOOTBALL! IT'S FUCKING VIOLENT FROM TIME TO TIME.

These players all signed up for it and, quarterbacks in particular, are compensated quite nicely to take the risks that come with clean hits just like that one.  Nanny state.

I'd like to tell Falcons fans their favorite team has a chance... wait... no I wouldn't.  Saints dismantle the dirt birds.

FINAL SCORE 

New Orleans: 38
Atlanta: 24

There you have it, folks!  Yet another victory for Drew Brees and his receding hairline!
 
As mentioned above, Mike will be back to take a look back at the Vikings loss in Seattle, break down Packers week, and make the rest of his league picks!

 

 

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