Trendsetting #7: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

I'll come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5...

Well hello again, everybody!  Welcome back to Trendsetting!

We're thrilled that you've decided to stop on by.  As you may have noticed, Trendsetting took a couple of weeks off.  Mike Otto has been busy breaking down the Vikings many offseason moves right here on Newest Industry.  TCDroogsma has been busy recording podcasts and maintaining his Minnesota Wild blog Wildly Biased Observations. Fortunately, they're both back and they've got a thing or two to say about a thing or two.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Trendsetting format, here's what you're looking at.  Each week we gather up 10 of the trending news topics from Minnesota and around the world.  We then take those ten topics and send them off to Mike and Travis and have them give us their takes on the events.

As always, neither Mike nor Travis has seen what the other has written prior to this posting.

So, guys... It's been another crazy week out there.  What'd you think?

01. Catholics around the world celebrated the election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who then took the name Pope Francis.  Francis is the first Pope elected from the Americas.

Mike Otto:

     The world rejoices at the choice of Pope Francis aka "Pope Everyman". He gives to the poor! He rides the bus to work! He was in love as a young man but rejected by the apple of his eye! Shit. This guy might be my uncle.

     15 years from now Pope Tommy from Cleveland will take the "Pope Everyman" image to a new level when he makes it OK to bring any outside food or drink into movie theaters around the world. Cleveland in the house!

TCDroogsma:

     While Catholics around the world were excited at the selection of Bergoglio, that new-Pope sheen wore off quickly thanks to his initial address to members of the church:

     "The name's Jorge, but everybody calls me Francis.  Any of you guys calls me Jorge, I'll kill ya. And I don't like nobody touching my pope stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my pope stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you."

     The speech baffled much of the constituency, but saw Francis' popularity skyrocket among the anti-gay community and hipsters who won't shut the fuck up about how great Bill Murray films are.

02. After falling to Florida in the second round of the NCAA tournament, the Gophers decide to fire head men's basketball coach Tubby Smith.

Mike Otto:

     No way, the Gophers lost?

     No way, they parted ways with a coach who had gotten them farther than they have in the last decade?

     No way, the U of M now owes millions to a fourth coach who no longer works for the school?

     None of this adds up. U of M athletics has always been such a well-oiled machine, a pillar of the community and the pride of all alumni. This makes no sense to me. I mean its not like the U of M is in the business of losing money....

TCDroogsma:

     While discussing the firing with the media, Smith lamented the fact that he failed to achieve his goals at the U, but is excited to finally have time to work on other things:

     "Oh sure, I'm disappointed, but I finally have time for me.  I'm at least a season behind on Two Broke Girls, I haven't shoveled my sidewalk in about four years, I'd like to take a microwave cookery class, I'm sure there's a bunch of hot new stuff on Brazzers, I'm going to spend a lot of time reading the Harry Potter novels, and my car could use a good wash.  You know, it may not sound like much, but all of these things are infinitely more compelling than any college basketball game ever played.  Now where's my fucking money?"

03. The University Of Minnesota also announced this week that they somehow managed to lose $15,000 selling alcohol at TCF Bank Stadium during the last football season.

Mike Otto:

     So what the Gophers lost fifteen grand adding booze concessions at TCF bank stadium? It's not easy to sell booze to our laid back, calm, passive U of M students. Everyone knows these kids simply aren't interested in drinking, not to mention most of them aren't 21 yet, and, I mean, that would just be illegal! Its not like any of these kids have the fake ID's necessary to purchase alcohol before they are 21. Our kids respect authority AND the rules that govern society.

TCDroogsma:

     Meanwhile, over at the Kappa Beta Kappa house, Cutter and Tay just pulled a cool $400 bucks from a kegger last night.  Not surprisingly, they also managed to accrue more passing yards then the Gophers and nobody had to leave the party because they were suffering a seizure. 

04. Residents of the Highland Park neighborhood in St. Paul are fighting a plan to place a Buffalo Wild Wings into the open storefront that used to be home to Cheapo Records, citing noise and the potential for intoxicated college students.

Mike Otto:

     I'm gonna have to side with the Snelling Ave. residents on this one. Having grown up on Grand and Wheeler in St. Paul, I know firsthand that there is nothing worse than drunk Macalester students.

TCDroogsma:

     So, Highland Park is opposed to bars featuring sports on TV and a boisterous crowd of college kids.  Check me if I'm wrong, Scotty, but aren't you people the ones who remind me constantly that Highland is home to the very first Green Mill?  Sounds to me like somebody is a little to accustomed to being a big fish in a small pond.  A small pond filled with Bud Light and terrible, terrible food.

05. President Obama visits Israel and Palestine for the first time as president.

Mike Otto:

    OH SHIT things about to get real now. We all know wherever Obama goes, change follows, and he als-

     What's that? Nothing changed at all? Damnit. BARRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!

TCDroogsma:

     That's some fine work there, President Obama.  I mean, you've only been in office for four and half years. It's not like this is a real pressing issue or anything like that.

06. In Steubenville, Ohio, two high school football stars are sentenced to at least a year in jail each for raping an intoxicated 16 year old girl.

Mike Otto:

     Wait you mean my status as a local football star DOESN'T exonerate me from performing sexual acts on a passed out 16 year old girl and filming the whole thing? Well why the fuck am I even playing football? This is some bullshit. Coach promised me this would all go away and if I can't trust my slimy high school football coach, who can I trust?

     Enjoy jail boys, and don't fall asleep, because you never know what might happen if you let your guard down for a second. It'll be your fault anyway, you weren't protecting yourself and you were prancing around in that hot orange jumper all night.

TCDroogsma:

     Oh man, there is no way I'm touching this topic...

     Then again, if I heard CNN correctly, the topic's asking for it.  It's just sitting there, looking good, making eyes at me.  Besides, the topic seems a little tipsy.  It's probably down for whatever.  I mean, just look at it.  I'll bet it wouldn't even put up a fight.  Harlow, you got my back on this, right?

     Wait a minute, what am I talking about?  I'm an inherently decent blogger.  There are some things you just don't do as a blogger, even though you can be absolutely sure that the media won't do a damned thing about it.  I'm sure that they would defend me as a, "bright, young blogger who had a promising future, but who's life has now literally fallen apart."  In a weird way, I'd even become a sympathetic figure.  Sure, I'd have made some horrible, horrible joke, but the fame and sympathy that comes with my punishment would teach my fellow bloggers a lesson: It's OK to do something unconscionably terrible as long as the minor punishment is outweighed by sympathy & notoriety via talking heads on 24 hour news stations.

     The lesson, as always:  The media is an absolute fucking disgrace, making a mockery of both your intelligence and the first amendment.  Rape is a horrible, horrible thing.  Sympathizing with the plight of convicted rapists to garner ratings?  No better.

07. The University Of Minnesota defeats Boston University 6-3, winning the NCAA championship and becoming the first women's team to go undefeated for an entire season.

Mike Otto:

     41 straight and these women can't film ONE goddamn Harlem Shake video? Fuckin' amateurs.

TCDroogsma:

      Much to the chagrin of hockey fans both here in the "State Of Hockey" and around the country, the championship game wasn't televised despite the built in narrative of the Gophers winning the championship at home and the potential for a historic season.

     What the fuck, ESPN?!?  God forbid Loyola & Georgetown play a preseason women's college basketball game without a fucking national broadcast and breathless Scott Van Pelt leading Sportscenter with the line, "Big tune up for the Lady Hoyas tonight on the hardwood!"  But a hockey team trying to go UN-FUCKING-DEFEATED for an entire season doesn't warrant a spot on any of the dozen of ESPN channels?  Am I wrong or don't you jerk-offs have a network called ESPNU for shit JUST LIKE THIS!  BLAH!  I"M SO DISGUSTED I'M CHOKING ON MY CAPS LOCK KEY HERE!

08.Tiger Woods won at Bay Hill over the weekend, regaining the ranking of #1 golfer in the world after two and a half years.

Mike Otto:

     The facts speak for themselves, when this man is hookin' up with blondes he becomes completely unstoppable. His kryptonite is trashy strippers... turns out Tiger Woods isn't so different from you and I.

TCDroogsma:

     Tiger back on top...  no, wait.

     Tiger comes from behind... no, wait, that's almost worse.

     Tiger pounds opponents... no, wait, that's not it either

     Tiger gets balls deep... no, wait, what?

     Lindsey Vonn's new boyfriend is #1 golfer in the world.  There it is.  For shizzle.

09. Ford Motor Company apologizes for European ads depicting Italian politician Silvio Berlusconi drving a Ford Figo with three women tied up in the trunk.

Mike Otto:

     Those women wouldn't have been stuck in the trunk for so long, but the trunk release button fell off and the key wouldn't work, so we had to go back to the dealership and wait for Larry to get off lunch break, when he got back he just took a crowbar to the trunk and charged me $500. In other words, this apology is nice, but we're still waiting for an apology regarding the last 30 years of poor service and terrible automobiles.

TCDroogsma:

     I'm sorry, I'm trying to come up with a joke, but what could possibly be funnier than that picture?  What's the underlying message?  Did Berlusconi sign off on this?  Are those women strippers or do traffic cops actually look like that in Europe?  Were the ball-gags necessary? Is this what showing tits on broadcast television across Europe eventually leads to?  What the hell is a Ford Figo? And, most importantly, who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

10. Atlanta rapper (and Newest Industry's Spirit Animal) Gucci Mane arrested after allegedly hitting an off-duty military officer with a champagne bottle after the man asked to take a picture with the rapper.

Mike Otto:

     "For reals doe, dis du' had dat comin mane. I mean take my name out ya mouf ya hear? Talkin' bout service to ya country, mane I don't care bout no service cept some bottle service and dats Gucci bitch. Is you a waitress? Cuz what you wearin' you look like a waitress. Naw tell ya what heres a hundred dollas go get me and my crew ten more orange juices, we thirsty, if you lucky I won't hit you in the face wit one dem when you get back. cuz I might forget i eva seent ya I mean I'm high as fuck ya see and tends to forget my interactions minute to minute. BRICKSQUAD BURR!"

TCDroogsma:

     After the arrest, Gucci Mane's family, concerned that Gucci's vices were getting the best of him, reached out to Gucci's rap group Brick Squad to help intervene with the wayward rapper.

     Unfortunately, the plan proved fruitless, as OJ Da Juiceman is currently feuding with Gucci, Slim Dunkin & YG Hootie can't remember who's who, and Waka Flaka Flame spent the entire meeting throwing wadded up dollar bills at everybody in sight.  The only member of Brick Squad who seemed concerned was Joe Moses, who reiterated, "You've got the wrong Joe Moses!  I'm an accountant!  I don't know what Joe Moses you're looking for, but I'm not him!  Stop throwing dollar bills at me!"

There you have it, folks!  Another weeks worth of trending news stories from around the world put in their place!

For more Mike Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  Unless, of course, you live in the greater Detroit area.  Just trust us on this one.

For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our free weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on all the work being done by our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free and legitimate way to support the blog.

Trendsetting #6: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

I got A-1 credit on my Come And Get It card...

Well hello again, everybody!  Welcome to the sixth installment of Trendsetting with Mike Otto & TCDroogsma!

For those of you who aren't quite sure what you're looking at, here's the deal.  Each week we scan the newspaper and the internet for the stories that are trending here in Minnesota and all around the world.  Once we settle on ten or so we send the stories off to Mike & Travis and ask them to give us their thoughts.  Then, rather than horde them for ourselves, we share them with you, the reader, in an attempt to take over the blogosphere via sarcasm & obscenities.

As always, Mike and Travis have not read each other's comments before this posting.

So, Mikey, Travis... it was a big, stupid week out there.  What'd you think?

01. Minnesota Twins catcher (and St. Paul native) Joe Mauer announces that he and his wife are expecting twins.

Mike Otto:

     St. Paul's prodigal son will soon be a dad! Of TWINS no less! Although nobody knows if the little bundles of joy will be boys or girls, identical or fraternal, we do know they will be able to walk straight out of the womb and will have to DH day games after night games.

TCDroogsma:

     I couldn't be happier for Joe Mauer.  When Sid Hartman clumsily asked Mauer about the conception process, Mauer responded, "You know, I just tried to stay in there and work with what I was given. Just try to stay patient and wait for her to make a mistake.  When I got my chance I just tried to keep my stroke simple and put some good wood on it."  It was unquestionably the most sexually-disturbing press conference since the Lynx won the WNBA title.

02. Gary Becker,the former mayor of Racine, Wisconsin, is released from prison after serving time for sexual assault of a child and child enticement.

Mike Otto:

     Yes, even the mayors in Wisconsin are diddlers. Gary Becker is back in Racine and living 2 blocks from an elementary schoo, no less! Don't worry though, 2 years of getting turned into swiss cheese by fellow inmates has totally given him perspective on life.

TCDroogsma:

     I am not touching this news story.  Unless, of course, someone offers me some cheese curds, a Mark Chmura jersey, and a ride home.


03. Fomer NBA player Dennis Rodman visits North Korea.

Mike Otto:

     "OHHHH GREAT LEADER YOU MAKE SUN AND MOON IN SKY... "

     Rodman came back singing the praises of Kim Jong-Un, even going so far as to call him a friend. Don't be too surprised, Rodman would have called Stalin a friend if he took him out for the weekend and picked up every tab.

 TCDroogsma:

     According to the state-controlled North Korea media Kim Jong-Un and Rodman played an epic one-on-one game that was one by the North Korean dictator 55-30 with Kim Jong-Un hitting ten straight threes, grabbing 45 rebounds, and, remarkably, notching 25 assists.

04. Budweiser is battling lawsuits from several states claiming that their flagship variety is "watered down" before bottling, thus skewing the listed alcohol content. 

Mike Otto:

     What? WHATTTT!?!? Budweiser has been the long standing bastion of integrity in the beer industry. Their reputation as the highest quality beer in the nation is no more. It has been discovered that their magic recipe of hops, corn and water is a little heavy on the water aspect and I, for one, am shocked and saddened. On the bright side, at least America's large homeless community is staying hydrated.

TCDroogsma:

     Turns out watering down the beer gives Budweiser its uniquely "American" taste.  If the TV, pop music, movies, literature, and media in America are going to be watered down to their most bland and tasteless it stands to reason that we should be drinking piss water as we consume them.

05. President Obama and congress fail to reach an agreement prior to the March 1st deadline, allowing across the board sequestration cuts to federal spending.

Mike Otto:

     I just don't give a fuck anymore. I can't care about this shit or it will put me in an early grave. If I was as bad as congress at my job I would have been fired a long time ago.

     Here's an idea, if congress doesn't get their "work" done on time, they don't get paid. How much you wanna bet all this sequester debt ceiling deadline BULLSHIT would have been taken care of weeks ago. Oh yah, I forgot, that would mean our elected officials are held to the same set of rules as the rest of society. Silly me. Fuck them all, the shit they are deliberating over doesn't effect any of them, their families, or their 6 figure salaries. American Politics is a broken system. I used to care. I just can't anymore.

TCDroogsma:

     I say good fucking riddance.  Let's not forget that this doesn't mean a base cut in spending, but rather a smaller increase in spending than what federal agencies were expecting.  Boo fucking hoo.  God forbid the U.S. takes even a tiny step toward being more fiscally responsible.  I've found new ways to tighten my belt every week for the last three years.  These agencies can do the same.

06. According to reports, three Indiana residents are accused of necrophilia after killing two people and engaging in sexual actions on the bodies.

(Editor's Note:  As Mike mentions, it's impossible to find any information on this story online, including pictures of the suspects.  We figured this picture of Reggie Miller would suffice.)

Mike Otto:

     The three Necrophiliacs in question, a 18 year old female and her 2 boyfriends, lured 2 unsuspecting 22 year old males to a residence in suburban Indiana, where they murdered their guests (strangulation) and then continued to have a threesome on top of their fresh corpses.......so yah. I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the world! Nothing is sacred, we're all doomed.


     (Side note: I heard of this story on a local Minnesota radio station last week, but could find no write-up of it on the interwebs. Also, I didn't want to type too many "Indiana Necrophiliac" searches into Google. Maybe its simply too horrific a story to get any run on Indiana local news, or perhaps details are still in question. You're just gonna have to take my word on it, this is a thing that happened)

TCDroogsma:

      Between this story and the story below, it's a sad, fucked up time to be a resident of Indiana.  Though, technically, that's been true for about 197 years.

07. The Minnesota Golden Gophers basketball team upsets the then-#1 ranked Indiana Hoosiers at The Barn.

Mike Otto:

     Somewhere, right now, Sam Jacobson is masturbating. Under a bridge in Mississippi, a dry, cracked smile just spread across the face of Rick Rickert as he takes a celebration chug of listerine. Sure, go ahead Dinkytown, storm the court, enjoy your moment, it won't last. This is Gopher basketball, home of Final Four runs that don't actually exist because Bobby Jackson can't write a fuckin' paper.

    NEWS FLASH: THE GOPHERS WILL LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE NCAA TOUNAMENT. Something will go wrong. It's tradition, and this team is not good enough to break up the decades of failure. You can count on 3 things in life: death, taxes, and Gopher Basketball fucking up.

TCDroogsma:

     Congratulations to the Gophers and Tubby Smith.  You have my apologies for putting you on blast both in the past and, inevitably, in the future when you get thrashed by Xavier in the first round of the NCAA tournament.

     No apologies or congrats to the moronic Gopher students/fans who stormed the court after the victory.  The Gophers were 4.5 point underdogs going into the game.  4.5 points!  In a sport as excruciatingly dull and poorly executed as college basketball 4.5 points could be swung by something as simple as "I received a mean text message from my girlfriend" to "Who closed down Sally's last night?"

08. Melissa King, Miss Delaware Teen USA, resigns her post after it's brought to light that she appeared in a pornographic video.

Mike Otto:

     What a fuckin' skank.

TCDroogsma:

     Shit, the way kids are going these days this is just the tip of the iceberg.  If we're going to start disqualifying every Miss Teen USA candidate simply because they've got down on camera we're not going to have a Miss Teen USA pageant at all.  Seems to me that they may as well embrace this and add it to the "Talent" portion of the competition.

09.  Florida resident Jeff Bush is presumed dead after his bedroom is swallowed up by a sinkhole.

Mike Otto:

     Jeff Bush thought he was having a bad day when he stubbed his toe that morning. He knew it wasn't his day when he went out to his car and found he had no gas. Then when the bus drove right by him making him late for work, he knew it was going to be an EPICALLY terrible day. After 8 1/2 hours at the hardware store and dropping three cans of paint on his left foot, he limped home, glad the day was finally over. He got home to the sound of his brother having intercourse and went straight to his room. He was happy, after such a long day, dozing off to the sound of David Letterman would be a peaceful ending. As his eyelids grew heavy, he heard a slight rumbling, followed by a not-so-slight shaking, and then the Earth swallowed him whole.

     The lesson? Always interrupt your brother when he's balls deep.

TCDroogsma:

     Who knew hell was a duplex?

10.  English pop icon (and vegetarian) Morrissey refuses to appear on the same episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live as the cast of Duck Dynasty.

Mike Otto:

     "And if a double decker bus, crashes into us, to die by your side, would be a heavenly way to die!!!!"

     Oh, Morissey why even tour in America? Its sad but true, if you make Americans pick between you and whatever the fuck Duck Dynasty is, the majority of us will pick the duck thing. We're not very smart, you see, and we all hate when some Limey asshole comes across the pond and tries to impart their values upon us. Americans hate other peoples values. Always have. That being said, Jimmy Kimmel is a fat little troll, I'm surprised you even agreed to his show in the first place. Good luck Mozzer, I'm gonna go eat a cheeseburger for breakfast.

TCDroogsma:

     Where do you get the balls, Morrissey?  I mean, we're talking about Jimmy Kimmel here!  Jimmy fucking Kimmel!  He is a bastion of everything that is great about American television!  Nobody has their finger on the pulse o this country quite like Jimmy Kimmel.  He's followed the footsteps of Johnny Carson and David Letterman to become the iconic late night TV personality of the 21st century!  He's been hosting his show for 10 years!  10!  Not a day goes by when I don't go to work to find myself surrounded by people discussing Kimmel's show from the night before.  "Did you hear his monologue from last night?"  "Can you believe his Bradley Cooper interview?"  "How great was that skit where they went out on the street and asked people if they knew Barack Obama's wife's name?"  I know that, if I want to be taken seriously by friends and acquaintances, it is absolutely imperative that I stay up late each night hanging on every last clever quip that leaves Jimmy's mouth.

     Shit, who's even going to remember the guy who wrote the Charmed theme song in ten years?  Best to know your place, Morrissey.  You don't take on television royalty like Jimmy Kimmel unless you're willing to take on the rest of America!

There you have it, folks!  Another week's worth of trending story run through the ringer.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).

For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free and legitimate way to support the blog. 

Trendsetting #5: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

We'd like to thank the academy...

Well hello again, everybody!  Welcome to Trendsetting #5!

For those of you who aren't quite certain what you're looking at right now, here's the scoop:  Each week we scan the newspapers and the internets to come up with roughly 10 trending stories both here in Minnesota and out in the rest of this big crazy world.

Once we've determined which stories are trending we send them along to Mike Otto & TCDroogsma to get their takes on the stories.  Then, rather than keep their amusing ranting to ourselves, we publish them here for everybody to enjoy!

As always, Mike & Travis have not read each other's comments prior to posting.

It was a crazy week, guys.  Thoughts?

01. The Obama Administration calls out the Chinese military for years of cyber-terrorism, accusing the Chinese of hacking into government & major businesses computers to acquire data.

Mike Otto:

     Of course they are. I could have told you that shit. The REAL reason this grinds American's gears won't be recognized by anyone in the national media.

     Lets face it, America, we are China's bitch right now. We owe them a nearly unfathomable amount of money, their economy is on the up-tick and their military is as strong as the mighty U.S. Army, if not frighteningly larger than ours. Now, I'm as red, white and blue-blooded as the next person, but that doesn't keep me from seeing the facts. Anything China does, short of a direct act of aggression/war, we just have to shut up and take. A war between the United States and China would be the end of life as we know it, so lets all keep our fat fingers crossed, America.

TCDroogsma:

     Frankly, I'm not sure how much of this I believe.  I mean, China's got far bigger problems than hacking U.S. interests.  Not to mention, their military probably isn't smart enough to hack into American computers.  Sure, they're good at math but, that only mea...  NOT SMART ENOUGH!  WHO'S SMART ENOUGH, FAT AMERICA!?!  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE CAPABLE OF!  WE TAKE ALL YOUR DATA WHILE YOU JOKE!  ALL THE DATA FOR CHINA! ALL! THE! DATA!

02.  In Cypress, Texas, a newborn baby was found alive in a plastic bag by dogs passing by.

Mike Otto:

     So let me understand this: You got pregnant. You carried this child inside you for 9 months. You didn't go to the hospital when your water broke. You pooped this kid out in your apartment, cut the umbilical cord poorly with a scissors (3 inches remained attached to the child and it wasn't tied off) and essentially threw the child in the trash. I'd nominate this woman for mother of the year, but she's wouldn't qualify.

     Being able to poop out a kid doesn't make you a mother, everything you do for the child after birth does though, you know, THE SUBSEQUENT 18-22 YEARS AFTER YOU POOPED IT OUT IS WHAT MATTERS. Texans are historically anti-abortion, maybe this woman was too, but one things for sure, she is not anti-dumpster-baby.

TCDroogsma:

     When reached for a comment, the mother of the child reacted by saying, "Yes, I dumped my baby in the dumpster!  And I would have got away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling dog!"  She then pulled off a mask and stunned cops with her true identity:  You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

03. Minnesota's congressman Keith Ellison becomes the first member of the United States Congress to visit Somalia since their new government took power.

Mike Otto:

     Mr. Ellison faced many questions about how America plans to further aid war-torn Somalia, if he still faces racism In the States, and if the bulk honey is organic...

     You know the honey isn't technically organic, but that doesn't really matter as long as it's raw and local you will get the benefits you are looking for. It's incredibly difficult to get honey certified organic because you have to guarantee the bees are only pollinating organic flowers, which requires an incredible amount of "Certified Organic" land...oh fuck it never mind, yah its organic. (sorry, inside joke)

TCDroogsma:

    Ellison reportedly thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to pander to his Minneapolis constituency visit the rebuilding nation.  According to sources, Ellison was most taken with the cuisine & the beauty of the land, but just couldn't adapt to the coffee shops filled with people reading quietly and politely, breaking the silence only to apologize when stepping outside to answer cellular phone calls.

04. According to this article, leading geneticist Dr. Gerald Crabtree human intelligence is slowly declining thanks to adverse genetic mutations.

Mike Otto:

     If this comes as a surprise to anyone, you are only re-enforcing Dr. Gerald Crabtree's study.

     Now, it seems to me that as our worldly population continues to grow exponentially, it stands to reason that the bar of "average intelligence" would slowly but surely begin to regress. Then again, this could just be another bullshit theory from some idiot scientist...wait a minute... oh whatever, my head hurts, I'm gonna go watch a Honey-Boo-Boo marathon.


TCDroogsma:

     So we're getting dumber, are we?  Come here a minute, college boy, 'cause I got a couple or three things to say about all this "dumber" talk.  Fuckin', dumber?  No.  I mean, if I was getting dumber, I wouldn't be making these quality-ass jokes on the fuckin' blog now would I, guy?  Huh?  Can't hear you over THAT knowledge bomb?  Fuckin' guy,  Now who's dumbest, dummy?  Exactly.

05.  8 month old Carlos Orozco of South Minneapolis is abducted by Isabel Diaz-Castillo only to be found 4 hours later by Minneapolis police officers.

Mike Otto: 

     The abductor, Isabel Diaz Castillo was found with baby, Carlos in a Minneapolis basement only 4 hours after their disappearance. Isabel, you need to step your abduction game up! If you want this abduction to work, you have to leave the city, buy a bus ticket with cash and head for the border for Christ's sake! Buy a baby disguise! You're better than this Isabel...

TCDroogsma:

     Thank god that nightmare is over for Carlos & his mother Victoria.  When police found Diaz-Castillo hiding with baby Carlos in a relative's basement she was unwilling to give up the child without a struggle yelling, "That's my baby!"  Fortunately, baby Carlos was extracted from that dangerous situation and returned to a marginally less dangerous situation: living on Franklin & Portland.

06. Tubby Smith's Gopher basketball team endures a tough week, losing games to Iowa & Ohio state by a combined 47 points.

Mike Otto:

     OH NO! WHATEVER WILL I DO, THE GOPHERS FUCKING SUCK AGAIN?!?

     First of all, it's basketball. Second of all, it's college basketball. Third of all, I don't need a third reason to despise the Gophers. I'm not bandwagon either, the Gophers could make an historic Cinderella-type run to the Final Four, and I will stand here alone, constantly trashing their sport and them as a team. Then, when they inevitably choke, I will be here to say I told you so and quench my thirst with the tears of Dinkytowners.

TCDroogsma:

     So we're still calling this news, huh?  Alright, umm... Tubby Smith continues to struggle to motiva... HAHA!  YOU NO GOOD AT BASKETBALL EITHER!  AMERICA INVENTED RETARDED GAME AND TOO RETARDED TO PLAY IT!  WE HACK TUBBY SMITH COMPUTER AND GUESS WHAT!  NO INTELLIGENCE!  HAHAHA!  NONE!

     I'm sorry, I've really got to update my passwords.  Evidently the Chinese are playing for keeps here.

07.  Switzerland's lone wild bear, known as M13, is shot & killed by Swiss authorities as a "threat to humans."

Mike Otto:

     Really, Switzerland? A SINGULAR bear is your greatest threat to human safety? It's apparent to me that the Swiss need to learn what REAL fear is all about. I suggest we plop Switzerland down in the parking lot after a San Francisco Giants/LA Dodgers baseball game, then they will truly understand "threats to human safety."

TCDroogsma:

     According to Swiss authorities, M13 was shot and killed because he "regularly sought out food in inhabited areas," and "showed little fear of humans."  In M13's defense, the humans WERE THE SWISS!  You know who else loved to seek out food in inhabited areas and showed little fear of humans?  Hitler!  And you people didn't even TRY to stop him!  I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm really sick of the Swiss.

08. Sue Paterno, widow of pedophile-enabling college football coach Joe Paterno, & her family release their own investigation, absolving Joe Paterno from guilt in the Jerry Sandusky case.

Mike Otto: 

     Jesus Christ, fuck off Sue Paterno you old fucking bitch.

     Guess what, I initially felt kind of bad for you in this whole mess. Your late husband and the rest of his cronies were covering this up after all, and you probably didn't know enough to do anything about the horrors that were occurring. However, after your constant yapping the past year and now this report you have conducted and published with your husbands money (the same money he was earning while sweeping this mess under the rug) I have officially lumped you in with the rest of the scumbags who let this happen.

     What can I say, me thinks the lady doth protest too much? All you would have had to say to look decent in all of this was something like "horrible tragedy, I feel for the victims, wish i could have done more, known more." BOOM. You'd be golden. But no, you've made this all about YOUR money and YOUR family's reputation, and the injustices the media has perpetrated on YOU and YOURS.

     Let sleeping dogs lie, you rotten dried up old bitch. Lives were ruined. Young lives. And all you can think about is what YOU"VE lost. You haven't lost shit compared to the victims of Jerry Sandusky, so do us all a favor, shut the fuck up, or just go die.

TCDroogsma:

     I sympathize with Sue Paterno.  If my husband's lasting legacy after death was that of a pioneer who devoted his life to college football I'd do everything in my power to rescue his name too.

09. Rapper MC Hammer is arrested in for resisting arrest & obstructing an officer in Dublin, CA (outside of Oakland).  He then claims to be the victim of "racial profiling."

Mike Otto:

     MC Hammer arrested? STOP THE PRESSES!

     Hammer was upset when, during a traffic stop, he was asked if he was, "on parole or probation." Instead of staying calm and saying simply "neither" he became, according to the police, argumentative and refused to exit the vehicle, having to eventually be removed with force and charged with obstruction and resisting. Completely avoidable, Hammer. You forgot that when it comes to the police, they CAN touch this, in fact, they can touch this whenever they want.

TCDroogsma:

     Hammer's confusion is easily understandable as the incident was the first time anybody's tried to profile him since the early 90's.

10.  Ben Affleck's Argo takes home the Oscar for Best Picture.

Mike Otto:

     I saw Argo and I thought it was a good film. That being said, I am somewhat sad it won Best Picture because this officially marks the end of Ben Affleck being the butt of every "over hyped/under-talented" actor/director joke. He's reached the top, and I was much more comfortable with him stuck in that meaty part of the Hollywood curve.

     Oh well, at the end of the day, I realize I could give two shits about Ben Affleck, The Oscars, or anything else to do with award shows where celebrities get in a giant circle jerk session and decide whose jipe is worth the most.

TCDroogsma:

     Ben Affleck:  Actor, producer, writer, award-winning director... and still the bomb in Phantoms, yo!

There you have it everybody!  Another week's worth of trending stories given a run through the ringer.

For more Mike Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  For more Mike Otto, be sure to follow the Sue Paterno harassment suit that CourtTV will begin broadcasting in about a week or so.

For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly Flatbasset Radio podcast.  At least he will be until the Chinese hack into that too.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to follow us on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Trendsetting #4: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

On to the next one, on to the next one...

Well hello again, everybody! Welcome to the fourth installment of Trendsetting!

For those of you who aren't totally sure what you're looking at right now, let us break it down for you. You see, each week we scan the newspapers and the internets to keep track of stories that are trending in Minnesota and around the world.

At the end of the week, we settle on ten or so and send them off to Mike Otto and TCDroogsma. They send us back their takes on these trending stories and we post them here. As always, Mike & Travis have not read each other's comments before we post them.

It was an eventful week. Mikey, Droogsy, break it down for us?

01. A meteor the size of a school bus blazes across the Russian sky before ultimately exploding with the force of 20 nuclear bombs, knocking out windows and injuring nearly 1,000 people.

Mike: 

     We all should have known that the universe couldn't be trusted. Between the solar flares, spy satellites and potentially dangerous asteroids us Earthlings feel as though nothing outside our atmosphere can be trusted. Now the universe goes and destroys the last 1,000 functional windows in Russia? Fuck off, thing my tiny human brain can't fully comprehend.

TCDroogsma:

      Seems to me that this meteor exposed a dangerous truth about Russians: Nearly all of them have cameras mounted to their dashboard. I guess that's what you get when you build a creep-shot-based economy.

02. President Obama delivers the first State Of The Union speech of his second term.

Mike:

     Our President focused on many topics during his most recent State of the Union speech. The state of our still-stuttering economy, our struggling middle class, and the fact the United States currently has over 70,000 "structurally deficient" bridges. It was the most inspirational political speech in decades.

TCDroogsma:

     I stayed home Tuesday to watch President Obama give his annual State Of The Union.  Unfortunately, Obama's relentlessly monotone delivery quickly put me to sleep.  I guess you could say Obama got me with a drone strike! (rimshot!)

03. Gophers' basketball coach Tubby Smith is caught on camera doing the Harlem Shake after his team's victory over Wisconsin.

Mike: 

     I'd be dancing too if i was getting paid 3.3 million dollars to lead a slightly above average Big 10 basketball team. Go Gophers! Reigning NIT RUNNER-UP!!

TCDroogsma:

      It was all fun and games until the celebration awoke Old Man Mbakwe from his nap. “Turn off the hippity-hop jibber jabber,” the center implored. “You kids call that music?” He then put on a Lawrence Welk LP and proceeded to show the team a dance he calls the “Strained Quad Shuffle.”

04. Alden Anderson, a Missouri sex offender living in St. Paul, is killed after stabbing & killing Kody, a police dog, during a fight with the police.

Mike: 

     Jesus Christ. This guy would have been better off banging the police chief's wife.

TCDroogsma:

     I don't even have a joke for this one.  Being fatally shot immediately by the police was too good for this worthless human being.

05. A food fight at Minneapolis South High School erupts into a racially-motivated riot.

Mike: 

   "Ethnic tensions" were cited as the source of the melee, but really it was all about Reggie taking the last Italian Dunker.

TCDroogsma:

      Meanwhile, across town, Minneapolis North High's regularly scheduled third period race riot went unnoticed by media and faculty alike.

06. Farmington Senior goaltender Austin Krause, upset about playing time, intentionally scores on own goal before flipping off coach and leaving the ice on Senior Night.

Mike: 

     The goalie in question, a senior, was riding the bench more than he liked, while a fellow student goalie, a sophomore, was accumulating better statistical ratings and keeping his mouth shut. This senior was trying to make a point, and he did. He proved he is a petulant little bitch. Don't worry though bro, HIGH SCHOOL IS EVERYTHING, THIS SHIT MATTERS!

TCDroogsma:

     You know who was probably super-psyched about this?  That sophomore goalie!  He must be thinking, "Damn!  Not only am I better than Kruase, but the bar for the next two years has been set at, 'Did he freak out and flip off the coach like a little bitch?'  I could lose every game for the next two years, but as long as I don't score on my own goal and piss off the entire city, I'm pretty much coming out ahead.  Thanks for being completely incapable of dealing with even the most trivial amount of adversity, Austin!"

07. Double amputee Olympic track star Oscar Pistorius is arrested for allegedly murdering his model girlfriend.

Mike: 

    He is sticking to the story that "he made a mistake, he was startled" by his girlfriend , model Reeva Steenkamp and "fearing a home intrusion, accidentally" shot his girlfriend in the face 4 times. Yah sure and I "accidentally" used to ask for 5 orders of mozzarella sticks when I bought an Arby's 5 for $5.95.

TCDroogsma:

     I'd be startled enough to accidentally shoot if Reeva Steenkamp snuck into my house too. And I don't own a gun, if ya know what I'm sayin'!  Huh?  Am I right?  Huh?  Ugh... I'm sorry...

08. A crippled cruise ship stranded in the Gulf Of Mexico and carrying 4,200 people (nearly all of whom has resorted to living in their own filth without power or running water) is finally pulled to port in Mobile, Alabama.

Mike: 

     THANK GOD! These peoples' NIGHTMARE in the Gulf is finally over! 

     You know this was a ship full of out-of-touch richies, whining about drinking toilet water and pooping in bags, WAH WAH. If that was a ship full of poor people, the real fun WOULD HAVE STARTED when the power went out. Hell, there are plenty of people in this world that would KILL to be stuck on a dysfunctional cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico. "I've been adrift on my cruise ship for THREE DAYS!!!" Fuckin' Western problems.

TCDroogsma:

      Upon arriving in Mobile, many of the passengers of the ship were surprised to find that they were by a large margin, the best dressed, cleanest, and most coherent people in town.

09. North Korea, in a show of strength meant to provoke South Korea and the United States, detonates a nuclear device underground.

Mike: 

     Well played North Korea, well played. Your people might not have food, but you have successfully threatened the World Police. You think America play?

     For better or worse, our government has always had their finger on the trigger. Hey Kim Jong-un, if it's gonna be a "you or us" type-of-thing you won't like he result. I truly feel for North Korean citizens who just want to wake up, go to their jobs and live their lives. This isn't their battle, they just have to pay the price for it.

TCDroogsma:

      When reached for comment, President Obama was unimpressed, “Really, Kim Jong-un? You detonated a nuclear device? All by yourself?  Because, y'know, I'm currently trying to reduce the number of ACTIVE NUCLEAR WARHEADS at my disposal from 1,700 down to about 1,000. But I'm meeting some resistance, so maybe, I don't know, I'll just hold on to the EXTRA 700 NUCLEAR WARHEADS. Save 'em for a rainy day or something.”

10. A two year old Minneapolis boy is slapped for being too noisy by a 60 year old Idaho man on board a Delta flight from Minneapolis to Atlanta.

Mike: 

     Leave it to Idaho. The baby slapper in question, Joe Rickey Hundley reportedly uttered the words, "shut that n****r baby up" right before he open hand slapped the 2 year old boy on a Delta flight from Minneapolis to Atlanta. Personally, I hope they sent that fuckin' honky to the back of the plane.

     Many Minneapolitans who witnessed the incident jumped to the aid of the young boy and his mother, 33 year old Jessica Bennet, who admitted it was, "regrettable she got stuck next to the most rotten potato to ever come out of Idaho."

TCDroogsma:

      What is it about the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport that causes residents of Idaho to think they can they can get away with whatever they want?

Well there you have it, folks. Another week's worth of trending topics broken down by our experts.

For more of Mike's errr.... “unique” take on life, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).

For more of TCDroogsma's errr... ramblings, be sure to follow him on Twitter (@TCDroogsma) or right here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly Flatbasset Radio podcast.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to follow us on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on all the work being done by our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Stopping by and giving us a “Like” is a free and legitimate way to support the blog.