Well hello, everybody! Welcome to a brand spankin' new segment here on Newest Industry!
Trendsetting shares a similar DNA with our Songs Of The Week column. Each week we'll ask two of our contributors to give us their takes on some of the trending stories around Minnesota & the rest of the world!
For the inaugural edition (and because he needs something to do with football season nearly over), we asked Mike Otto to participate. We also asked TCDroogsma to participate because, frankly, we knew he wouldn't be busy on a Saturday night.
Much like Songs Of The Week, Mike & TCDroogsma have not seen each other's comments prior to posting.
So, gentlemen, welcome! What do you think of the week that was?
1. Uptown restaurant French Meadow Bakery purchases the iconic CC Club.
This is terrible. Doesn't matter what ANYONE tries to tell me, this is just plain blasphemy. We are talking about the most historic dive bar in South Minneapolis being bought by an "all organic" restaurant/wine bar/douchebag compendium. Nothing good will come of this.
I have heard plenty of "well, some improvements could be made to the CC through this", I've heard it from friends, acquaintances, and even a few random assholes. French Meadow promises nothing will change at The CC. Sure, I believe you! National corporations spend millions of dollars all the time just to "keep things the same". Only time will tell on French Meadow's promise, but the skeptic in me smells bullshit.
TCDroogsma:
I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting at The CC, turned to one of my friends, and said, "Y'know, this bar is really pretty great! Now if I could just get them to turn down the music, replace the lightbulbs, fix these benches, clean up this disturbingly sticky floor, replace my Premium with a craft microbrew, hire some sexy-yet-completely-unattainable servers, and take down the Christmas lights I would totally spend more time here! Also, a $5.00 buttermilk scone would be fucking perfect right now." Good move, French Meadow!
2. Notre Dame football player Manti Te'o tells Katie Couric that he's, "Not gay. Faarrrr from it." during interview regarding his fake girlfriend.
Stupid question Katie Couric. Manti Te'o was tricked by a fake internet GIRLFRIEND, not BOYFRIEND. Quit making this something it isn't. The dude may be dumb as fuck, but he's dumb as fuck for women.
TCDroogsma:
Because really, what could be more embarrassing than being gay?
3. After a three month lockout, the Minnesota Wild finally take to the ice in St. Paul to start the 2013 season.
What's a "Wild" and why was it locked out of its season house for 3 months? Just kidding, Travis. This is the state of hockey after all, and we should all celebrate the beginning of The Wild's season because, Jesus Christ, the Timberwolves are garbage, and The Wild are our only hope for professional sports success this year.
TCDroogsma:
About damn time! I could not be happier that the NHL season has stated! Only the smell of sweaty hockey players can overpower the... er... "musk" that's been lingering in the Xcel Energy Center since Madonna was in town.
4. Timberwolves point guard Ricky Rubio is caught on video yelling at interim coach Terry Porter after being benched in the 4th quarter
Mike:
Microphones picked up Rubio screaming at Porter from the Wolves bench. Unfortunately, Porter didn't understand Ricky when he yelled "TERRY PORTER, LETS TIME TO PUT ME INNNNN"
TCDroogsma:
Porter was seen responding to Rubio by reminding the young point guard, "You know I don't speak Spanish." Rubio then devoured an entire wheel of cheese and pooped in the fridge. It was impressive.
5. A 47 year old St. Paul man reportedly pulls an AK-47 on his daughter when she brings home an unsatisfactory report card.
JENNY WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!? A FUCKING B IN EUROPEAN HISTORY?? YOU'RE A FUCKING DISGRACE!!! The man in question, Kirill Bartashevich has since claimed the gun wasn't loaded, to which the rest of the world said, "Oh shit Kirill, our bad, you're one fucking great dad."
TCDroogsma:
Good lord! Between guns at school and guns in the home, is it possible that the safest place for the youth of America is the streets? It worked for Jay-Z and he's pretty much the unofficial President Of The United States at this point.
6. Nearly half of Maple Grove's varsity hockey team is reinstated after being suspended for allegedly creating and screening a sex tape.
They may have got suspended from their team and school, but Bang Bros Entertainment has just signed them to a 5 year contract. Their series will be called "Grove Diggers" and it will be sold throughout the smut universe for 29.95 a disc.
TCDroogsma:
Somewhere a Wisconsin Badgers recruiter is flying down 94W.
7. Neighborhood businesses & residents protest a planned six-story apartment structure in the heart of Dinkytown.
Mike:
Yet they still have no problem with the 10,000 pieces of shit that inhabit Dinkytown year round...interesting.
Human shits on the sidewalk? Fine! Loud drunken parties on every corner? That's OK! Racist, overly-aggressive frat boys crowding the streets? Oh well! BUT GODDAMMIT IF YOU DARE TRY AND RUIN MY DINKYTOWN SUNSET WITH YOUR FUCKING HIGH RISE I WILL END YOU. Dinkytown will be dumb no matter what happens.
TCDroogsma:
But we're still meeting up with A-Train & Mel at Tiff's after the Goph's game, right brah?
8. President Obama names Stillwater native Denis McDonough his new Chief Of Staff
First of all, I don't trust any "Dennis" who spells him name with one "N". Secondly, the only thing I trust a Stillwater-born Irishman for is the best spot to drink on the St. Croix River. I'm calling it now, this man is most likely a crook.
TCDroogsma:
That's right, world, a Minnesotan is pulling strings behind the scenes! No more of aggressive posturing and ultimatums, it's time for "Minnesota Nice" to shine. Sure, Palestine, we should definitely talk about getting you your own state, what are you doing on Thursday? Egypt keeps giving us dirty looks, wonder what their problem is. Hey Canada, why's Columbia being such a jerk? I mean, all I said was they were maybe being a little too loud. Forget it, we're never talking to them again. They were being too loud, right?
9. Subway issues an apology after it's revealed that their "foot long" sandwiches measure just 11 inches long.
Mike:
Folks, we all know size DOES matter, so this is a seriously crushing blow to America's credibility. For years we've been over here bragging about our affordable foot long, wagging it in the face of all those who dare to try and fuck with it. The day of reckoning has come. Our house of cards has crumbled and I am left wondering if there is any hope for the children...because if you can't trust Subway, who the fuck can you trust?
TCDroogsma:
Christ, I was promised 12" of food when I purchased this sandwich at a franchised Subway storefront inside of a Wal-Mart on University Ave! Who's got a link to the class-action suit that is sure to be filed. I intend to be duly compensated for these missing inches of low, low quality sandwich!
10. Target begins rebranding it's products as it plans to open its first stores in Canada.
It's about time Target thought about our neighbors to the North. Its still questionable whether Canadian Target will be a success, as most Canadians feel threatened by the red bulls-eye Target uses as a logo. One Tornoto based Candian is quoted as saying, "I mean, I dunno, ya know eh? I mean eh, a bulls-eye eh? Kinda seems dangerous eh? Also fuck Montreal eh". That's right, even the rest of Canada hates Montreal.
TCDroogsma:
Rumor has it that the Target's Canadian expansion plans are on hold as their marketing team tries to find a way to jam a superfluous "u" into the word Target.
Well there you have it, everybody! The inaugural edition of Trendsetting with Mike Otto & TCDroogsma! All the news that's fit to be taken down a peg or two.
For more of Mike Otto's unique brand of charm, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). He's bound to be tweeting like mad during Super Bowl week.
For more of TCDroogsma's unfunny brand of humor, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma) or here on Newest Industry hosting our Flatbasset Radio podcast. He's bound to be tweeting like mad because he's no good at actual human interaction.
Of course Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) which you can follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our regular contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free and legitimate way to support the blog.
Love this! Hilarious. I don't read the real news because it makes me cry. so I'll get my news from here from now on.
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