Songs Of The Week #37

Young Man, The Thermals, Mudhoney, Cayucas, & Web Of Sunsets...

Well hello again, MP3 junkies! Welcome to Songs Of The Week #37!

For those of you who aren't quite sure what you're looking at, here's the story: Each week we ask our resident music dork TCDroogsma to download the songs given away via The Current's Song Of The Day podcast. After spending a few days with the tracks we ask him to give us his thoughts on the songs and to give them a score of 1-5.

As always, we highly suggest that you follow this link and subscribe to the podcast yourself. It's free & it's fun for the whole family!

We'd also love for you to share your opinions of the songs by voting for your favorite in the poll to the right of the page. The winning artist receives the validation of winning an anonymous internet poll on a blog, arguably the highest achievement a musician can attain.

So, Droogsy... thoughts?

01. Young Man – In A Sense (from the album Beyond Is All Around Me)

TCDroogsma:

     When I first saw that I was downloading a song called "In A Sense" I was nearly certain that it was a play on the word "innocence."  While Colin Caulfield never overtly says that, the song does take on one of those last moments of innocence: a truly rough breakup that requires one to choose between forgiveness and bitterness.

     As a man who's prone to bitterness, it's admirable that Caulfield would approach his situation by, "waiting on another wasted afternoon, spent up long in thought, forgiving you..." Mentioning the end result of this thoughts softens the blow of the chorus in which he rattles off more than enough reasons to wallow into bitterness.  In a way, by forgiving this person he's preserving his own innocence.

     As if the lyrics aren't enough, the song carries a peaceful melody, as if he's merely recapping the thought process rather than considering options.  "In A Sense" is, um... in a sense, an end to that small chapter in the book of Caulfield's youth.  He remains charmingly innocent for now.

Final Score: 3/5

02. The Thermals – The Sunset (from the album Desperate Ground)

TCDroogsma:

     The Thermals is another in a surprisingly long list of band that I know only through the Song Of The Day podcast.  I don't know enough of their stuff to say, "Oh, I'm a fan of The Thermals," but, with "The Sunset" I've also heard at least one song off of each of their last three albums.  It's actually kind of a fun way to follow a band, receiving these songs like postcards from old friends that can only say so much in the small space allotted for notes.

     So what's their to take away from "The Sunset?"  Well, The Thermals don't sound like they've calmed down too much.  The guitars are nowhere near as wiry or bouncy as they used to be, implying either a level of growing up or growing bored.  Without hearing the rest of Desperate Ground it's impossible to know which.

     One thing remains, though, Hutch Harris knows how to sell a song.  My favorite song by The Thermals, "Now We Can See" was a nice, punky rave-up held together by Harris' belief in both his lyrics and his vocal chords.  "The Sunset" deals vaguely with a sense of paranoia.  Harris opens the song by claiming, "I am never alone, my shadows are close where I need them to be, I keep them with me."  Like an army of one, those shadows are Harris proof that he's not alone.  Whether they're haunting or helping remains to be seen.  Again, it's possible that I'm reading too much into this since I only deal with The Thermals one song at a time, but "The Sunset" seems like the middle of story started years ago when emotions ran more wildly.  Where The Thermals go next is bound to re-frame "The Sunset."  Until then, enjoy it for what it is.

Final Score: 3.5/5

04. Mudhoney – I Like It Small (from the album Vanishing Point)

TCDroogsma:

     For anybody who grew up in the 90's, Mudhoney was always the litmus test to differentiate between the kids who liked Nirvana & Soundgarden songs on the radio and the kids who really "got it."  The riffs were always a little gnarlier, the lyrics more caustic, more straightforward, and more funny.

     To hear Mudhoney in 2013 is, for those of us who grew up in the 90's, a real treat.  I feel like anybody younger than 30 won't quite get it.  The fact that Mark Arm (who's quickly turning into the American Mark E. Smith) spends, "I Like It Small" mocking/glorifying a concept of "selling out" that is foreign to those under 30 (and quaint to those of us over 30) leaves this song with a relatively small demographic of people who would "get it."  Though, of course, maybe that was the point all along.  It's really hard to tell.

     Mudhoney works up the kind of pop-grunge groove they've been making for 20-odd years.  Arm, as I mentioned above, doesn't so much sing as he does rattle off a list of things that could be taken as sincere ("minimum production, low yield, intimate settings, limited appeal"), but, given Mudhoney's career trajectory, have a bit of a curmudgeonly "You can't fire me, I quit!" vibe.  At least, Arm retains his sense of humor when he claims that, "when I orgy, I cap it at 12, any more than that and I get overwhelmed."

Final Score: 3.5/5

04. Cayucas – High School Lover (from the album Bigfoot)

TCDroogsma:

     With it's sorta-indie, sorta-african sound, "High School Lover" comes on like a track from Now! That's What I Call Indie Rock 2008!  Is that a band thing?  Not really.  It's catchy enough and definitely makes a fine warm weather jam.

    
     Still, the sentiment of the songs protagonist (who sounds like he's just returning home from his first year of college), is hard to fathom.  He claims that he hasn't read the letters she sent him while he was away (because evidently he's going to college in a world without e-mail, Facebook, GChat, or Twitter) and that, after accidentally seeing her undress, he couldn't help but claiming they should have been together in high school.  Call me crazy, but who comes home from college pining for the girls in high school?  Dude probably just spent a whole season wowing freshman gals into bed with his charming little indie songs.  I'm not buying it.

Final Score: 2.5/5

05. Web Of Sunsets – Fool's Melodies (from the 7” Fool's Melodies)

TCDroogsma:

      Just in time for spring, we get Web Of Sunsets "Fool's Melodies."  It's easy guitar strumming and air-y vocals make the song sound like it's being performed while sitting around a bonfire on the beach.  The lyrics carry the echo of pain and disappointment that comes to thousands of couples around the Twin Cities who stayed together through the winter only to split up once the temps went up.  Not a sad song so much as one tinged with instant nostalgia.

Final Score: 3.5/5

Well there you have it, folks! Another week's worth of songs downloaded, reviewed, and filed away!

As always, please remember that neither Newest Industry nor its contributors are in any way affiliated with the artists above, The Current, or Minnesota Public Radio. We're just music fans with laptops and a little too much time on our hands.

For more TCDroogsma be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma). He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our free weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Trivial as it seems stopping by and giving us a “Like” if a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Songs Of The Week #36: TCDroogsma

Kurt Vile, K.S. Rhoads, The Black Angels, Telekinesis!, & Chalet...

Well hello again, MP3 junkies! Welcome to Songs Of The Week #36!

For those of you who aren't quite sure what you're looking at, here's the story: Each week we ask two of our contributors to download the tracks given away via The Current's Song Of The Day podcast. After spending a few days with the songs (or, in this week's case, over a week), we ask them to give us their thoughts on the tracks and to give them a score of 1-5.

As always, we strongly suggest that you click here and subscribe to the podcast yourself. It's free & it's fun for the whole family!

Sadly, as has been the case for months now, we've still been unable to find a second contributor to review the songs. Fortunately, TCDroogsma is a big fan of the podcast and perpetually available.

So, Droogsy... thoughts?

01. Kurt Vile – Never Run Away (from the album Walkin' On A Pretty Daze)

TCDroogsma:

     There has been a lot of discussion on the old internet over the last couple of weeks about whether Kurt Vile's new album is brilliant or terrible.  Being pretty much unfamiliar with Vile's work (and a little too familiar with the world of online music criticism), I was pretty excited to see that I'd finally get to hear something off of Walkin' On A Pretty Daze.

     After spending a week with the song I'm left with a resounding, "Meh."  " Never Run Away" seems at times to be a love song, a fight, and an internal monologue.  Is this the product of songwriting that's over my head? Is Kurt Vile too stoned to bother differentiating between the three?  Is that the point?  I don't know.

     Lyrics aside, "Never Run Away" is a pleasant enough tune.  Vile tosses out lovely slacker-hooks throughout the song, which keeps it fresh from beginning to end.  Still, after a couple weeks of debate I was left thinking this song sounds a lot like something off of a Ben Kweller album.  This is what we're fighting about now, internet? 

Final Score: 3/5

02. K.S. Rhoads – Harvest (from the album Wilderness)

TCDroogsma:

      I'll admit, I'm skeptical of any song called "Harvest."  Maybe it's because Neil Young pretty much has the first & last say on the word or maybe it's just because I hate the outdoors.  To say I came into K.S. Rhoads skeptical is an understatement.  And then there was whistling...

     I've made no secret over the years of my disdain for whistling in music.  I actually told a girl once that I owned a gun and two bullets: one had the words "Andrew Bird" written on it, the other "Edward Sharpe."  In my defense, my blood alcohol content was about 0.28 at the time. I was laughing out loud the first time I heard K.S. Rhoads drop the line, "You got a bullet and that bullet's got a name," right before the whistling comes in for the first time.

     That said, you can imagine my surprise when, over the course of the week, the whistling in this song grew on me.  It took a few spins to really catch the mood of the song, but once it hits it's tough to shake.  As near as I can discern, "Harvest" is an anthem, but one that casts an awfully wide net.  It seems to take on the Bush/Cheney administration for the Iraq War ("They steal from the old woman to put the young man into war").  Or maybe it's an anthem for those who occupied Wall Street ("Right now they have a seat at the table but the table will be overturned").  Maybe it's just an anthem for Obama's vague promises of "Hope" and Change."  Really, it's tough to tell.

     I can tell you this, though: Rhoads puts together one hell of a backdrop.  The bass & drums curl up nicely against the low-end, with strings creating the air that something big is about to happen.  What is that thing?  I have no idea, and if I was a betting man, I'd bet Rhoads doesn't either.  The one things that brings all these parts together: That damned whistling.  On it's own it's pleasant, but against this crumbling-empire backdrop it's downright haunting. 

Final Score: 3/5

03. The Black Angels – Don't Play With Guns (from the album Indigo Meadow)

TCDroogsma:

     The Black Angels are an allegedly psychedelic band out of Austin, Texas.  If "Don't Play With Guns" is any indication, "psychedelic" doesn't mean what it used to mean.

     
     "Don't Play With Guns" comes on like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club if Black Rebel Motorcycle Club had been raised on The Kinks.  The Black Angels have just enough guitar-swirls & Nick Cave-vocals to call themselves "psychedelic" if they'd like, but at the heart "Don't Play With Guns" is a pop-song dressed up in leather jackets and sunglasses.

Final Score: 3/5

04. Telekinesis! - Ghosts And Creatures (from the album Dormarion)

TCDroogsma:

     Telekinesis! is the product of Michael Benjamin Lerner, a singer/songwriter/multi-instrumentalist based out of Seattle with ties to Death Cab For Cutie.  Because god forbid I ever write one of these SOTW columns without being forced to mention Death Cab For Cutie.

    There are a lot of things going on in "Ghosts And Creatures."  Unfortunately, none of them are particularly memorable.  There's a bouncy piano bit, some fuzzy vocals, some percussion that sounds like an old laptop, and some strings that kind of dominate the song once you notice them.  All of these pillars would be fine if they were holding up something, "Ghosts And Creatures" leaves you dying for a hook that just never comes.

Final Score: 2.5/5

05. Chalet – All Our Friends (from the album Tuscon)

TCDroogsma:

     Another in a long, glorious line of indie-power-pop bands that are making up the new Minneapolis sound.  Chalet is the work of Joey Cantor, who's spent plenty of time in bands around town and it rests comfortably with artists like Gloss, BNLX, Jeremy Messersmith, & Cantor's other band Rogue Valley.

    
     "All Our Friends" is a meticulously crafted song.  Every guitar, piano, and drum bit sounds like it's been fussed over out of love rather than out of perfectionism.  Cantor clearly is no stranger to structuring a song for maximum effect either.  He manages to build up the verses brilliantly and then uses the open space of the bridge to give the chorus a little extra something.  A thoroughly enjoyable song and another argument for Minneapolis' redefined sound.

Final Score: 4/5

Well there you have it everybody! Another week's worth of songs downloaded, reviewed, and filed away!

As always, please remember that neither Newest Industry nor its contributors is in any way affiliated with the artists above, The Current, or MPR. We're merely music fans with laptops and little too much time on our hands.

For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma). He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our free weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a “Like” is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Ryan's Record Of The Week #10: "Light Up Gold" by Parquet Courts (with RSD Bonus!)

Well hello again, rock n roll fans!  Welcome back to Ryan's Record Of The Week!

We made our way back down to Extreme Noise to have a little chat with Ryan and try to find something to soundtrack this eternal winter we've found ourselves in.  Fortunately, Ryan had something to share with us:

Ryan takes some time out of his busy day to discuss the new Parquet Courts record with us.  He also delves into always expanding Denton-sound, discusses Brooklyn hipsters, a gluten-free paleo diet, the struggles of naming a band in Minneapolis, and handles a surprise cameo by the FedEx guy!

Perhaps more importantly, Ryan gives us the lowdown on Record Store Day 2013.  Extreme Noise will be open at 8 AM for all your Record Store Day needs.  Extreme Noise will also have free food, free music, and loads & loads of Record Store Day exclusives!  Have a look:

There you have it, folks!  "Light Up Gold" by Parquet Courts is the Ryan's Record Of The Week #10!

For a better look at just what you're getting into with Parquet Courts have a look at this video:

   

For more Parquet Courts you can swing by their blog here. 

Not to beat a dead horse, but if you're going out on Record Store Day, please make a point of stopping by Extreme Noise and saying "hello" to Ryan & everybody else.  As you probably know by now Extreme Noise is run on a strictly volunteer basis.  They go above and beyond to make Record Store Day a great experience for everybody.

Extreme Noise is located at 407 W. Lake Street.  Just look for the place next to the saddle shop.  For more info you can visit their website here.

For more Newest Industry give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

World Of Worley: Week #2

Rock n fire, babe...

Hello again, Twins fans!  Welcome to the second edition of World Of Worley!

For those of you who are new to the game, here's what you're looking at:  The Twins season is long.  No, like, really long.  To help pass the time we've enlisted fake Twins starting pitcher Not Vance Worley to keep us updated on the Twins as they navigate the Road To .500!

So, Not Vance, how was your week?

Well hey everybody.  Sorry for the delayed post.  After getting shelled by the Mets this week Rick Anderson took away my internet privileges as punishment.

Fortunately, I figured out his password.  It was Carlpavano.  So I'm back now with my weekly recap.

April 8th, 2013: Kansas City

Well, after a nice weekend series in Baltimore we flew into Kansas City for a showdown against our division rivals.  Honestly, I've never been to Kansas City.  Did you know it's not actually in Kansas?  What the hell is that all about?


I did find out that the city of Kansas City takes a lot of pride in their cuisine.  When we got to the clubhouse before the game we found a beautiful spread of BBQ ribs, oven roasted potatoes, corn on the cob, and all the crystal meth we wanted!  I've never seen the guys so excited before a game.

Speaking of the game, the boys were going up against Ervin "Magic" Santana.  Now, Santana's a notorious first pitch-fastball pitcher.  Plus, if I remember the statistic correctly, he gave up an average of 11.5 home runs per nine innings last year, which seems like a lot, but this AL ball is new to me.

The boys were able to get a run in the first when the Supervillain (aka MF Doumit) drove in a run.  Unfortunately, the momentum was killed when he overran second base and got caught stranded.  It was a tough inning.  Especially considering that we wouldn't score another run the rest of the game.

I asked him about the baserunning gaffe after the game:

Me: Probably shoulda just held up at second, eh Supervillain?
Doumit: Hey bro, Day Glo, set the bet, pay dough, before the cheddar get away, you best to get Maaco
Me: Maaco, huh?  Good to know.

He's a strange guy.

Anyway, Kevin Correia ended up taking the loss.  It's a shame, because he pitched really great up through the 7th but then he got lit up in the 8th.  The media has questioned why Gardenhire didn't have anybody warming up.  Let me tell you how it went down.

Correia (stepping into the dugout after the 7th): Phew.  I'm not sure I've got another inning in me, skip.
Gardy: ...
Correia: Yeah, arm's tightening up a little bit.  Got through seven pretty good though.
Gardy: ...
Correia: Uh, skip?
Rick Anderson: What the hell are you doing, Correia?
Correia: Um... I was trying to tell Gardy that I don't think I have another inning in me.
Anderson: Listen, kid, Skip's had a lot of ribs. I wouldn't wake him up if I were you.
Correia: But Andy, I really don't think I can go back out.  Maybe we should get somebody loose?
Anderson: Hey, which one of us has the homo-erotic mustache here?
Correia: You, coach...
Anderson: That's right.  And that puts me in charge of the pitching staff.  Now stay loose.  Duensing's still all messed up from his "lunch" and Swarzak wore himself out chicken fighting with Perkins.

Swarzak and his horseplay.  When's he going to learn?

Anyway, tough loss, but the offense is showing some signs of life.  Should be a good series.

April 9th, 2013: Kansas City

Made a point of getting to the park a little bit early today.  I wanted to hang out around the cage and get to know some of these Royals since we'll be seeing so much of them over the course of the year.

I ended up having a real nice conversation withe their DH Billy Butler.

Me: Hey, Billy.  How ya doing today?
Butler: I'm alright.  You are?
Me: A tired Twitter premise, but that's neither here nor there.  Looks like you got a pretty good squad this year.
Bulter: Define "good."
Me: Um... better than average?
Butler: Shit, nobody here even remembers what "average" means in regards to a baseball team.  Honestly, the fans seem to love us as long we avoid spitting directly onto them.
Me: And when you do?
Butler: Hoo boy!  They... well... nothing really.  They've been broken, my friend.

That sure seemed to be the case during today's game.  My buddy Pelfrey got roughed up something fierce and the crowd spent a good part of the first inning googling the rules of baseball to see if you were actually allowed to score that early in the game.  All in all the Royals hung 5 on the board in the first.

The boys gave it a valiant effort, though.  Joey Mauer, Willy, & EDUARDO ESCOBAR! went deep, but all three were solo shots.  Turns out that when you give up five in the first inning three solo shots ain't gonna cut it.  Oh, we had a chance at the end of the game, but Joey Ba$eball struck out because we were playing in a goddamn monsoon.  Seriously, it was like The Ice Harvest out here, with Willy playing Billy Bob & Pelfrey playing John Cusack.  Tough loss.

April 10th, 2013: Kansas City

Shut out.  Shut. Out.  This won't do at all.


Oh sure, that same monsoon that ruined last night's rally was still roaring come game time, but that's no excuse for being shut out.  Hell, the Royals had to play in the same stuff.  Of course they were also facing Liam Hendricks, who'd give up at least three earned in earthquake.

After the game Liam said this to the papers:

""I went out there and I was feeling a little disoriented.  I wasn't feeling right. Once I got locked in it was better. It was just the one pitch which hurt.  I felt really good out of the stretch. The number of pitches, 96 in five innings, that's not a positive. Just the one home run, I was pleased, compared to the last time out. It was tough conditions today."

Look, Liam seems like a nice enough guy, but c'mon, bud.  How can you feel "pleased" when you don't walk off the field with a W?  And don't get me started on "felt really good out of the stretch."  That sounds like more of Rick Anderson speak.  How about this, maybe get a guy out every now and then so you can get comfortable pitching from a windup.  Christ, when every inning has you in the stretch after three pitches then yeah, you'll probably get pretty comfortable.


So, swept in KC.  In a monsoon.  Ugh... Can't wait to get back to Minneapolis tomorrow.  It'll be great to get out of this terrible weather and make a start against the terrible Mets.

April 11th, 2013: Off Day

My god!  Is this what every April is like in Minnesota?  How do you people live like this?  I'm definitely buying a jacket.

April 12th, 2013: Minneapolis

Alright, let me explain.

I was feeling real good going into this start.  Sure, it was fucking snowing, but evidently that's just all it does in this godforsaken city.  Sorry, I didn't mean that.  I get a little testy any day I can't get out of the second fucking inning!

I'll tell you what happened though.  Before the game I sat down with Pelfrey.  Figured since he used to play for the Mets he'd have some tips for me.

Me: Hey Mike, what do you got for scouting on these guys?
Pelfrey: Well, I'll tell you, as long as I was in New York it seemed like all you had to do was throw the ball over 85 and they'd miss it.
Me: C'mon, they can't be that bad.
Pelfrey: Let me just say this, I faked the whole ligament injury just to get away from this team.  I went through Tommy John surgery and the rehab unnecessarily just to get away from this awful team.
Me: Wow, that seems like a pretty horrible thing to do.
Pelfrey: You try living in Queens.

So I pretty much scrapped the game plan and just threw some bullets.  Let me tell you, Pelfrey wildly underestimated this squad.  Honestly, outside of David Wright I have no idea who any of these guys are, but 9 hits, 7 earned, 1.0 innings pitched is ugly.  Men lie, women lie, numbers don't.

Still looking for that first W with the TC on my cap.  Don't worry, Twins fans, it's coming.

April 13th, 2013: Minneapolis

Guess who's back!! 

That's right, Black Diamond is back on the hill!  The ace is back!  And not a moment too soon.  Being the "ace" of this staff was wearing me out.

Things were actually going pretty good for Scotty until the fourth inning when he gave up a home run to Marlon Byrd that landed at Graves 601.  Fortunately Gardy was awake enough to get Roenicke loose before Black Diamond completely fell apart.

Sharing the hill with Scotty was a kid called Matt Harvey.  Holy hell!  This kid's good.  He was throwing a no-hitter into the seventh until Morneau hit a foul-pole shot.  Morneau was feeling good about it after the game:

Reporter: Justin, tell us a bit about the home run.

Morneau: Well, I knouw he likes to throuw first pitch fast balls. I just tried to put a gooud swing on it.

Reporter: Did you think it was going to get out?

Morneau: I couldn't be sure, but from where I was standing it looked like it would cautch the foul poule. Stayed fair by just a meter or so.

Reporter: I hate Canadians.

Morneau: Alrighty.

April 14th, 2013: Game Cancelled

First thing I did when I woke up today was run into the kitchen and turn on the radio.  The sports guy was reading off the probable starters from around the league and then he said the words I was hoping for, "Mets at Minnesota: Cancelled."

I threw my blanket off!  Snow day!

And what a day it was.  Once we all made our phone calls via the Twins Snow Day phone tree Joey Mauer invited a bunch of us over to St. Paul.  We went sledding at Buck Hill, had a snowball fight, and drank hot cocoa until Joe's mom gave us rides home.  What a day.  Just what the team needed after going 0-5 this week.  I wish we could have snow days every day.

So that's the week.  It wasn't a good one, but Road To .500 is long and winding.  The Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim California are in town next week.  We'll be back to our winning ways soon.

Record For The Week: 0-5

Record Overall: 4-7

There you have it, Twins fans!  A lackluster week for the hometown nine, but positivity abounds!

For more Not Vance Worley be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TinyVancer).

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Trendsetting #8: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

I know, I know, I look better in real life...

Well hello again everybody! Welcome to the eighth installment of Trendsetting!

For those of you who don't know quite what you're looking at, here's the scoop: Each week we scan the newspaper and internet for news stories that are trending both here in Minnesota and around the world. Once we come up with ten stories we send them off to Mike & Travis and ask them to give us their thoughts on the stories.

Since it's been a couple of weeks since the last edition of Trendsetting we thought we'd break out a special deluxe 15 topic edition this time around.

As always, Mike & Travis have not read each other's comments prior to posting.

So, Mikey, Droogsy... It was another crazy week out there. What do ya think?

01. In Hastings, Minnesota a two year old is found walking the street alone double-fisting Mike's Hard Lemonade

Mike Otto:

     And a new "Parent Of The Year" candidate enters the arena!

     The father in question, Robert Rasset, called the police to report a missing child 3 hours after his 2 year old son was found wandering the streets of Hastings barefoot getting his swerve on with 2 bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade in hand. Authorities arrived at Mr. Rasset's residence only to find a intoxicated, belligerent, poor man's Jack Nicholson who claimed he hadn't had a drink in 2 years despite 3 recent DWI convictions on record. He was charged with child neglect but really should have been charged with raising a little bitch.

     I mean come on bro, you got your little dude on Mike's Hard Lemonade? Better get him off that shit and onto the rye before pre-school or he's gonna be a fuckin' joke at little Timmy's annual new years rager. You think your boy is gonna get any play from the ladies with a goddamn Mike's in his hand? Fuckin' up bro.

     The child was returned to his mother's residence, where he threw up all over the living room, claiming to have eaten some bad sushi the night before.

TCDroogsma:

      Much like Mr. Rasset's son, I spent two years of my life living in Hastings. Let me tell ya, this kid's well ahead of the curve.

02. Judge approves over the counter sale of Plan B pill to women of all ages

Mike:

     Being someone who has had to take the morning after pill at least once a week for about 8 years now I fully support this.

TCDroogsma:

      And I still can't buy beer on a Sunday. What a world.

03. Target apologizes for plus-size dresses labeled “Manatee Gray.”

Mike:

      God some fat people are sensitive. Maybe you should mix in a salad before your only dress option is "Beluga Whale White."

TCDroogsma:

      Unfortunately for Target this gaffe will prove costly as they'll have to revamp their whole plus-size line. In addition to “Manatee Gray” they're being forced to recall garments labeled “The Funny One Orange,” “She Has A Great Personality Red,” and “Seriously Though, Gym Memberships Are Actually Pretty Reasonably Priced Black.”

04. In an effort to make peace with their country's history, Germans can now visit the controversial exhibit "Jew In A Box" at The Jewish Museum in Berlin.  Patrons are able to ask the Jewish person questions about his or her people's life & history

Mike:

      Ahhhh Germany, my homeland, my heritage, you have really outdone yourself with this one.

      For one day a week through August, The Jewish Museum in Germany will present a Jewish man in a glass box who answers any questions my German brethren can imagine. "Are there any Jews in Germany?" "Where did all the Jews go?" "Why did all the Jews leave?"... and so on and so forth.

      Museum official Tina Luedecke said the exhibit, which has been met with criticism from many prominent Jews, "is a great opportunity, many Germans don't know any Jews and have questions they want to ask" because you know, going to a synagogue and talking to a Rabbi would just be weird.

TCDroogsma:

      So far the test runs of the exhibit have proven to be failures, as nearly all questions asked of the Jewish person were met with further questions such as, “What? More questions?” and “Oi! Again with the questions?” and, “Does it seem hot to you? Is it hot in here? Could anybody turn down the thermostat? It's not just me, right? It's hot to you too, no?”

05. Doctors are growing concerned about "Drunkorexia," a growing diet among college kids that involves skipping meals, exercising to the point of exhaustion, and binge drinking.

Mike:

      It's the newest diet trend to hit America! Eating right and daily exercise? Fuck that! Let's just starve ourselves and drink 'til we puke!

      In a recent survey of 22,000 college students, it was discovered that students who were binge dieting were much more likely to consume 4-5 drinks in one sitting, to which I say, step it up. 4-5 drinks? You think that's enough to get you to throw up that half a bagel you had this morning? You really aren't committed to being thin and pretty are you? NEXTTTT.

TCDroogsma:

      College students who have adopted this “Drunkorexia” approach to weight loss have said to very happy with the results. No, they haven't lost any weight, but by bar close they've lowered their standards significantly and just don't care anymore.

06. PETA asks Queen Elizabeth put a halt to the English tradition of racing pigeons across the English Channel.

Mike:

      I had no idea pigeon racing was a thing. You crazy Limeys!! Elizabeth, you better hope Mike Tyson doesn't get wind of your pigeon based-atrocities. He may be old and fat but I'm pretty sure he's not above punching a Grandma such as yourself.

TCDroogsma:

     "We're gravely concerned about the well-being of these pigeons," said one French PETA member.  "We can only hope that the Queen uses her influence to put an end to this cruel and inhumane practice.  Each year thousands of these pigeons descend on the French mainland and each year we prepare terms of surrender as a force of habit.  It's a tremendous waste of our 18 hour work week."

     The French PETA member then quickly changed direction.  "Of course, if the Queen refuses to to halt the race, I, for one, will welcome our new pigeon overlords.  As they've hopefully noticed, we've spent centuries building monuments that are just yearning to be covered in bird feces.  Plus, here in France, nobody would complain about the odor."  The spokesman then slipped on a beret, lit a filter-less cigarette, and drank deeply from a bottle of red wine, I would imagine.

07. Minnesota-based grocery chain Super-Valu lays of 600 employees, many of whom worked in middle management.

Mike:

      There goes the economy. Having been in a Super-Valu several times in my life I was surprised to learn they ever had any sort of management at all.

TCDroogsma:

      This is great news for the upper management at Super-Valu, who have been patiently biding their time until the day they could rule the Super-Valu working class with an iron fist.

08. Human Rights Campaign changes traditional equal sign to pink equal sign in support of gay marriage.

Mike:

      Nothing like some great keyboard activism to change the world. You're all making a difference. Especially those of you who changed your profile picture to the bacon strip equal sign. Great work guys. I mean, we all know that if your love for bacon is equal to your passion for equality of all people, you are REALLY invested in this whole gay rights thing. "Bacon is delicious and so is gay rights and I'm really quirky so yah this is perfect!" Fuck's sakes...

TCDroogsma:

      It was really only a matter of time before the meme-wielding youth of this country made their, um "voices" heard.. But just be patient, everybody. If changing your Facebook profile picture didn't have the desired effect this time around, in another three years you can vote Obama out of office. I'm sure President Angry Cat & Vice President George Takei will be much more receptive to your tactics.

09. North Korea pulls its workers from a joint North Korea/South Korea industrial complex

Mike:

      Real tenuous situation developing on the other side of the world right now. I do not envy the decisions that may face President Obama in the coming months. Dennis Rodman couldn't solve this and all hope for a peaceful resolution seems to be fading.

      Honestly, if I'm Obama I ask Jordan and Pippen to go try to talk some sense into Kim Jong Un before its too late. Nothing else is gonna work right?. Imagine that. Air Jordan: 6 rings, 1 averted world war. No big deal.

TCDroogsma:

      Brilliant move by Kim Jong-Un here. Nothing galvanizes the masses behind your insane plans like taking away their only means of providing for their family.

      Seriously, get this guy a copy of Brave New World. You need to keep the proletariat occupied and content that way your megalomania isn't met with any resistance. Christ, I flunked out of three colleges and even I know that. Fuckin' amateur hour, bud.

10. The Gophers hire Richard Pitino as new head coach of the men's basketball team.

Mike:

      Dicky P. is our guy! Little Dicky P. said this was his “dream job” and he “wants to retire here." You should probably abandon that thought right now. Do yourself a favor Dicky, just rent a condo and don't get too comfortable.

TCDroogsma:

      Norwood Teague fired Tubby Smith & brought in Richard Pitino to coach the basketball team.  After doing some research I discovered that Teague's great-grandparents spent their last hours on Earth changing seats on the Titanic.

11. The Twins officially open their 2013 season.

Mike:

      ...Aaaaaand the Twins have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

TCDroogsma:

      You know who I'm really excited to see in a Twins uniform? VANCE WORLEY Yes sir, that VANCE WORLEY is going to be the anchor of this rotation for years to come. Oh, you're NOT familiar with VANCE WORLEY? Maybe, NOT now, but when you get a minute, you should google VANCE WORLEY. NOT that I'm trying to take up all your time, but to NOT google VANCE WORLEY would be a real mistake.

      Ugh... I feel dirty.

12. President Obama signs Monsanto Protection Act into law.

Mike:

      Sneaky old Monsanto snuck this into a bill with a bunch of other legislation. Half of Congress had no idea the Monsanto Protection Act was even in the bill they passed, which, you know, seems like an incredible failure of the system AND our congress people, but hey, what else is new?

      Democrats will tell you Obama's "hands were tied" once the bill got to his desk, which is a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. You the President, dawg! Veto power bitches!

      Won't lie, this one is just one more massive disappoint and failure of our government to control massively powerful corporations. In politics, money talks and unfortunately, for the time being, Monsanto has Scrooge McDuck money. That's right, Duck Tales bitches.

TCDroogsma:

      So President Obama passed legislation that protects Monsanto. The same Monsanto that is taking over the farming world via genetically-modified crops. I can't see how Obama signs off on this. I mean, GMO's are untested, aesthetically-pleasing yet devoid of any real substance, and are being used to ruin small, family-run farms via legal action and red tape. Nope. Can't see how Obama thought this was OK at all.

13. Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher dies

Mike:

      Don't really care one way or the other. Celebrating any death just seems immature, unless its David Bowie's. I'll be leading that parade.

TCDroogsma:

     Many Americans struggle to understand the role of Margaret Thatcher until being told that she was a peer of Ronald Reagan, which Americans take to mean that idiotic teenage punk kids in England still write angry songs about Thatcher even though they were born in 1997.

14. Louisville defeats Michigan to win the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament

Mike:

      When do the Gophers play?

TCDroogsma:

      Louisville's dramatic, come-from-behind victory over Michigan proved to be just the ratings boon CBS had hoped for when they agreed to start covering the Special Olympics.  "It was a lot of work to get everybody on the same page," one CBS exec said,  "but once we cleaned all the juice stains off (Michigan head coach) John Beilein's shirt and convinced (Louisville head coach) Rick Pitino to quit playing with himself I think the kids put on a hell of a show.  They're the real heroes."

15. Famed film critic Roger Ebert dies

Mike:

      When Ebert gets to the pearly gates he will be undoubtedly hoping for two thumbs up... Yeah, I know, that's bad.

TCDroogsma:

      Ebert thought his chances of getting into heaven were pretty solid. He was a good man, a good husband, beloved by many, & universally respected. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was surprised when St. Peter told him that he would not be allowed entrance.  "I've lived the best life I could.  I've been kind, humble, thankful... I just don't understand."  Ebert said.  "I'm sorry," St. Peter replied, "but you gave Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samurai a thumbs down rating.  Turns out Jesus is a huuugggge Forest Whitaker fan.  I know, I can't explain it either."

There you have it, folks! Another crazy week put into perspective!

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