Well hello again, football fans! Welcome to the penultimate week of NFL action!
It's Conference Championship Weekend! Or, as it's known to Vikings fans, the weekend we get our hearts broken and fall back off the wagon.
This year, however, binge drinking came early for Vikings fans. Among them, your host and great football mind Mike Otto. Even though the Vikings season has been over for a couple weeks, Mike is still watching the NFL with a keen eye for the subtle advantages and a broad eye for potential jokes.
As such, Mike has compiled a 2-6 record for this year's playoffs. That's pretty shabby. Fortunately, what Mike lacks in postseason performance he makes up for with sheer, stubborn determination. Aiming to get his record as close to .500 as possible, he's back to tell us how each team could punch their ticket this Sunday and which teams he thinks might actually get the job done.
Mikey, we realize this is traditionally a tough week for you, but we'll get through it together. Thoughts?
Whew! That was quite an exciting divisional round!
Pete Carroll's true colors (the color of failure?) finally shown through when he learned that you never ice the kicker. It's a freaking Matt Bryant! Always be on a Matt Bryant fucking up.
Russell Wilson is the real deal and, in my opinion, has done enough to take the Rookie Of The Year trophy away from Bob III and little Andy Lucky.
Peyton Manning had the 2nd words QB performance of the weekend, edging only Matt Schaub (who unquestionably regained his title as one of the "Worst Of The Best" NFL quarterbacks).
Matt Ryan may have saved Mike Smith's job with his final minute drive by taking full advantage of a Seahawks defense that, for some inexplicable reason, was blitzing. Major fail all around for the Seahawks coaching staff in that final minute.
It all reminded me of the early 2000's Vikings play calling ineptitude... so many memories. I wonder what Ramos McDonald is doing right now?
(Editor's Note: Mike lapses into this sentiment once or twice a week. Frankly, he should probably just Google Ramos McDonald at some point.)
The "Ray Lewis Farewell Tour" moves on! Who knows if Ray killed anyone? Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, the point is he got away with it, and that's all that really matters in America. It's not illegal unless you get caught! Good for Ray. O.J. made the mistake of committing his murders after his playing days, forfeiting the opportunity to run his way back into our hearts.
Ray had 17 tackles in the Ravens big win, so even though he might not be able to get sideline-to-sideline (or state-to-state in a trunk) like he could when he was young, the man still has game.
Colin Kaepernick was the best athlete on the field for any team last weekend. The Packers had no answer for him and the Niners read-option offense. Black Irish made the Packers defense look ugly, slow, and stupid for the majority of the game. If the young QB had two more games like that one in him the Neners are going to be Super Bowl champs.
If you're wondering, former Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel's Divisional weekend highlights included watching Blade Runner and eating at the Taco John's off the interstate.
My picks went 1-3 again last week, leaving me at an ugly 2-6 for the playoffs after my 174-100-1 regular season performance. Time to right the ship! Let's make a couple picks! And, just to change it up, let's make them winners!
(#2) San Francisco at (#1) Atlanta
Why the Niners could win:
They have the best pure athlete left in the playoffs with Captain Kaepernick. This kid cn kill you with his cannon arm or his gazelle-like stride.
Michael Crabtree's stepped his game up to an All-Pro level ever since Kaepernick took over.
Frank Gore might be getting older, but he's still a bruiser who fights hard for every yard.
And don't forget Vernon Davis (whose production drastically dropped after the quarterback change), who I think is due for a big game.
Randy Moss wants a second chance at a Super Bowl win. Never forget what he can do with the proper motivations.
The Falcons nearly crapped the bed last week and they seem to still have trouble closing teams out.
Why the Falcons could win:
The Dirty Birds have home-field advantage.
Matt Ryan seems to have finally gotten over his annual playoff choke-fest. When he's playing confident football, watch out. Matty Ice is easily one of the most cerebral QB's in the game and he's on the short list of guys who could pick apart the Niners secondary.
Doesn't football just kind of owe a Super Bowl trip to Tony Gonzalez? I think so.
Mike Smith is a football icon, a bastion of knowledge and football intelligence in this league.... OK, just kidding about that last part.
Who I think takes it:
Colin Kaepernick is going to do some more of that bicep kissing in this one. I just don't see enough speed on the Falcons defense to hang with Captain Kaepernick.
Matt Ryan is good, but he's not a dual threat. The Falcons run game overall is hit or miss.
Just too much to overcome for the Falcons one week after barely escaping with a win against the Seahawks. Niners win 31-23.
(#4) Baltimore at (#2) New England
Why the Ravens could win:
I underestimated the emotional boost this squad is getting from Ray Lewis.
The Ravens deserved to win that game against the Broncos last week and actually made Peyton Manning look average at times. If you can fluster Peyton, you might have a chance at rattling Tom Brady's cage. Ruffle his feathers! Steal his Man Uggs! Do whatever it takes to get that little bitch shakin' in his gender-neutral boots.
The Ravens were one terrible touchdown drop (shout out to Lee Evans!) away from beating the Patriots and punching their ticket to the Super Bowl last year. There's no reason to think they can't take the final step this year.
Joe Flacco is playing well right now and he is they main reason they beat Peyton. If he can match Tom Brady's offensive output on Sunday the Ravens will win.
Why the Patriots could win:
It's Tom Brady and Bill Belichick in the playoffs. They are both attention craving monsters. They have an insatiable hunger that can only be quelled with Super Bowl championships. It's just hard to bet against two madmen so obsessed with greatness that they have done (and continue to do) anything to win.
I generally dislike the Patriots, but I think Brady wants this one bad. He sees it, it's right there for him. He may be a pussy, but he's the best quarterback in the league.
Who I think takes it:
As excited as I am about the possibility of a Harbaugh Bowl, I just don't see the Ravens pulling this out. Tom Brady has the Ravens defense's number and that is going to be too much for Joe Flacco and Rice Ray to counter.
(Editor's Note: Yup, "Rice Ray.")
Turn back the clock 5 years on Ed Reed & Ray Lewis and the Ravens win this game. The boys are going to be a step slow on Sunday and it's going to cost them.
Ravens will keep it close all game, but the Patriots will edge them in the end 34-27
Don't worry, Ravens or Falcons fans. After all, I am 2-6 in these playoffs, so your squads will probably win this weekend. Good luck to all!! The Packers are DEAD!! WOOOOOO!!!!
There you have it, folks, "Wooooo!!!!" Strong words. Strong words from a strange man.
For more of Mike Otto's commentary on the NFL and pseudo-upscale Lyndale eateries, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). We promise, something's always winding him up.
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