Street sweeper, baby, cocked, ready
to let it go...
Well hello again, football fans!
It's Saturday, it's Week 15, it's Ten & Six With Mike Otto!
For those of you who are extremely
late to the party, Ten & Six is our weekly football column in
which Mike Otto makes his picks for the league and breaks down the
fortunes of YOUR Minnesota Vikings.
With their victory over those
wretched Chicago Bears last week the Vikings kept their faint playoff
hopes alive. This week they head to St. Louis to take on the Rams.
Mike, good to see ya, buddy. What's
on tap this week?
Welcome back to Ten
& Six!
It was quite an
interesting week in the NFL. The Vikings victory over the Bears kept
playoff hopes alive for the Cowboys, Redskins, Rams, and our very own
Purple People Eaters!
It was yet another
brutally average week for my picks, which went 8-8 again with
some very dubious game predictions. The Chiefs winning two in a
row?!? What was I thinking?
Christian Ponder
turned in another lackluster effort in the passing game, going 11-17
for 91 yards and an interception as the Vikings passing attack
dropped to 32nd (aka The Worst) in the NFL. Keep in mind,
this is a league that includes the Jets, Jaguars, and Cardinals.
Pretty pathetic.
Regardless, the
Vikings won in spite of their quarterback (by my count, the third
time they've done so this season).
There are few words
to describe the season Adrian Peterson is having, especially of late.
Over the last seven games AP has been simply unstoppable! He came
out in last week's Bears game and put the team on his back, willing
them to victory with every single carry.
He is the entire
offense right now. Everyone on the defense knows he's getting the
ball, but it doesn't matter! Nobody can hang with AP right now.
More on the
incredible disparity of the Vikings running and passing game later,
let's make some picks! I'm channeling my inner Adrian Peterson and
putting these picks on my back! It's time for a better week.
Washington
(7-6) at Cleveland (5-8)
I can't keep eating
cat food, this is getting embarrassing.
I must
subconsciously be enjoying the cat food because I actually
picked the Chiefs over the Browns last week. Quite ill-advised
indeed. My head told me to pick the Browns, by gut told me to pick
the Chiefs. Never trust a gut full of cat food.
I don't think it
really matter if it's Bob III or Kirk Cousins quarterbacking the
'Skins, the Browns will lose! They just love disappointing home
crowds. 'Skins win 24-16.
Tampa
Bay (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8)
Really, Josh
Freeman? 14-32 passing? You lost to the freaking Eagles?
I can't stand you!
You are the streakiest quarterback I have ever seen and make it
impossible for me to predict the outcome of your games! One week
you're a strong-armed, accurate monster of a QB, the next you're a
bigger joke than Terry Bradshaw at a spelling bee! Hey Terry, can
you spell “Immaculate Reception?” Probably not. How about
“Crazy old fucker?” Good job!
Josh Freeman hates
me and I don't care for him too much either. Saints win 31-20
Indianapolis
(9-4) at Houston (11-2)
This will be quite
the challenge for young Andy Lucky. If he could lead the Colts to
victory in this game it would be a huge statement and prove that the
Colts could be a formidable playoff opponent to anybody.
Big statement game
for the Texans as well. After getting trounced by the Patriots, they
need this one to maintain their status as the AFC's second best team
and prevent the start of a late season swoon.
This is going to be
a close game into the 4th quarter, but I think it's just
too much for the young Colts. Texans win 28-23.
Denver
(10-3) at Baltimore (9-4)
Suddenly things
aren't looking so good for the Ravens. I seriously question firing
your offensive coordinator with three games left in the season and
nine wins already under your belt. The Ravens did put up 28 points
in their loss last week. Usually that's enough to win.
I really feel like
Cam Cameron was a scapegoat in all of this. One thing is for sure,
his parents were idiots for naming him “Cam Cameron.”
Expect a lot of Ray
Rice in this one, but it won't matter because all Peytie Manny do is
win games. Ravens drop their third straight, Broncos win 24-20.
Green
Bay (9-4) at Chicago (8-5)
A couple of asshole
squads facing off in this one. Two teams I really despise and I'm
going to be angry no matter who wins.
I watched the NFL's
“Sound FX” for the Vikings-Bears game. They had Bears QB &
pompous douche bag Jay Cutler mic'd up. At one point, offensive
coordinator Mike Tice comes over and says, “Jay, do you think you
could do that for me?”
(Seconds pass with
no response. Tice tries again.)
“Jay, hey Jay,
could you do that?”
(Seconds more pass.
With a smirk, Culter turns to Brandon Marshall.)
“I don't listen
to him...”
(Tice walks away
with resignation all over his face as if to say, “Fuck my life.”)
While there is no
context to what Tice is asking Cutler to do, that, folks, is Jay
Cutler in a nutshell. Arrogant little bitch. Packers win 27-21.
New
York Giants (8-5) at Atlanta (11-2)
Tough call in this
game. Pretty much a freakin' toss-up.
The Falcons got
Newton'd last week. No, not the revolutionary physicist, but the
streaky sophomore quarterback.
The Giants hold a
tenuous one-game lead in the NFC East and it seems like a bad idea to
bet against a Tom Coughlin-led team in December games that matter.
I'm willing to bet
the Falcons late-season struggles (patent pending) began last week
against the Panthers and will continue this week against the more
disciplined Giants. New York wins a close one 24-21.
Jacksonville
(2-11) at Miami (5-8)
God, I can't wait
until the playoffs so I can stop writing about games like this. One
simply can't make this garbage interesting.
I could look into
my crystal ball and tell you that at some point in this game Ryan
Tannehill's wife would pop a titty out, but I still doubt anyone
would watch.
Wherever the
Jaguars go, ratings disease follows. Dolphins win 20-10.
Detroit
(4-9) at Arizona (4-9)
The Cardinals were
thoroughly embarrassed last week. The 58-0 blowout loss suffered on
Sunday was the NFL equivalent of getting caught jerking off in a
movie theater. The Arizona Cardinals will now be known as the
Arizona Fred Willards.
If I was the Fred
Willards I would try to top it this week. Does Ryan Lindley have a
kid? Start it at quarterback! Sit Larry Fitzgerald! You only lost
by 58 last week! C'mon, you're better than that!
Lions win 124-3 and
Ndamukong Suh kicks everyone in the balls at least once.
Seattle
(8-5) at Buffalo (5-8)
Not to toot my own
horn, but the Seahawks were my pre-season pick to be a surprise
playoff team. Pete Carroll is getting the most out of a group of
young guys who really seem to respect him. Someone has to respect
him, right? Pepper Pete is absolutely insufferable to watch on the
sidelines every Sunday unless you live in the cappuccino capital of
the world.
I expect a close
game in this one. Needless to say, it's not going to be as easy as
last week's victory for the Seachickens. Still, they get their 9th
win over Buffalo 23-16.
Carolina
(4-9) at San Diego (5-8)
With rumors
swirling of Norva's demise at the conclusion of this season, the
Chargers went out and played arguably their best game of the year
last week.
If I was comparing
Norva to a chicken breast, I would say she is a spineless boneless,
except on Friday nights when Philip comes over, they share a bottle
of wine, and Philip makes him a large bone-in! Gives her the old
wishbone, if you catch my drift. Lots of juice in that bird, if you
know what I mean...
Philip Rivers plows
Norva in the hind quarters every Friday night is what I'm getting at. Be
sure to use protection, you two, or little Barbella might have a baby
bro to watch over... Panthers win 27-20.
Pittsburgh
(7-6) at Dallas (7-6)
I can't believe I'm
saying this, but I think the Cowboys are going to win this game.
It seems fitting
that the Cowboys will finally play decent football in December yet
still end up missing the playoffs because of their early-season
struggles. Cowboys fans should take solace in the fact that their
team is finding a new way to ultimately fail. In Texas that's viewed
as a type of progress.
Anyway, Cowboys win
24-23 and improve to 2-0 in December!
Kansas
City (2-11) at Oakland (3-10)
The only way this
game could get stupider is if they let Blaine Gabbert officiate it.
He can't throw flags worse than he does footballs can he?
Speaking of
terribly thrown footballs, it's Brady Quinn and Matt Cassel! How bad
must Matt Cassel be to lose his job to Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?
Belichick made him look like a potential franchise QB, then shipped
him off to KC for draft picks.
Evil genius.
Kansas City, I feel for you. You got Belichicked. Oakland wins
20-16.
San
Francisco (9-3-1) at New England (10-3)
Harbaugh vs.
Belichick!
You know Belichick
doesn't like all the ass kissing Jim Harbaugh has been receiving from
the national media. Belichick is intent on reminding everyone who is
King Ass in this league, so pucker up ESPN, you're gonna be getting
familiar with some Boston booty again. Wear some goddamn lipstick
this time and leave Skip Bayless on the bus!
I think Moss gets
in the end zone this weekend, a place he has visited (according to my
predictions), 43 times this year. Patriots win 28-24.
New
York Jets (6-7) at Tennessee (4-9)
Really, NFL?
Couldn't flex anything else to Monday night?
Also, this tells me
somebody doing the scheduling once looked at this game and said,
“Boy, that looks like an intriguing matchup!” Or maybe it's
simply that the NFL can't get off New York's nuts.
That's why their
utter failure has been so satisfying to me. The little media darling
that is a professional sports team from New York took a giant steamy
shit all over themselves and their asshole fans.
I'm picking the
Titans to win 17-13 if only because I feel too fucking dirty believing
the Jets can do anything right.
Alright, that's the
league. On to the main event:
MINNESOTA
VIKINGS (7-6) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (6-6-1)
♫ I believe that Christian Ponder is
the future, give him the ball and let him lead the team! ♫
Syke! The dude has
problems. Problems with confidence, arm strength, happy feet, and
downfield vision. He needs a statement game (or three) for me to be
satisfied with his overall body of work for this year.
Ponder started out
well this year, took a couple big hits, and developed the dreaded
“happy feet” that has doomed so many quarterbacks before him.
It's eerily similar to how last year went when he took over the team,
played a couple promising games, and crapped the bed the rest of the
way.
He's throwing off
his back foot, which requires a rocket arm that he just doesn't have.
He flees the pocket before any real need to do so and misses
potentially open receivers because of it.
Finally, at this
point in the year, he is a complete joke and a non-concern to
opposing defenses. Samantha Steele, maybe you accepted that proposal
a little too quickly.
Wow, that was
negative. Let's try to turn it around by talking a few positives
from last week. The team did win, after all.
-Adrian
Peterson! The All-Pro running
back needs 506 yards in 3 games to break Eric Dickerson's
single-season rushing record. Now, 506 yards over 3 games is
something AP has never done before in his spectacular career, but
this has been a season of firsts for the best back in the NFL. If
he's within 200 yards of the record Week 17 against the Packer, I'd
say don't bet against him.
-The Vikings
Entire Offensive Life AP
couldn't have gone on this stunning stretch of games without a little
help from his friends. The run-blocking has been superb during the
last 7 games. AP is constantly facing 8- and 9-man fronts, but it
hasn't mattered because none of the defenders can get off their
blocks! Honorable mention to fullback Jerome Felton, who has been
destroying linebackers in the hole to get AP to the 2nd
level. And let's face it, defensive backs have no chance to tackle
All Day one-on-one in the open field. The running game has been
about as good as it can be lately.
And,
of course, some negatives.
-Christian
Ponder Plain and simple, he
sucks right now. With decent quarterback play, even with
slightly-proficient quarterback play, the Vikings are a playoff lock.
Without it they are... well... this.
Pretty straight forward. Get better at football, dude! I can't
think of any other negatives from last week's game. Defense was
great. Special teams were great. Half
the offense was great. The quarterback is the most influential
position on the field in determining wins and losses. Let's hope
Ponder hasn't reached his ceiling.
Three Keys To A
Vikings Victory:
Key
#1: Win the battle at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball
The
Rams defensive line is strong and athletic and they have a size
advantage against the Vikings interior offensive line. If John
Sullivan and Co. can handle their business on the inside it will take
away a big advantage away from the Rams and go a long way towards a
win for The Purple.
Key
#2: Give the rock to AP
This
has to be the focal point of the offense again. If the running game
can't get going, the Vikings have little chance to win this game. If
#28 wants to break any 53 yard, 1st quarter runs, that would be much appreciated.
Key
#3: Hypnotize the entire team before the game to believe they are
playing in the Metrodome
Let
them wear the purple uniforms and blow some stupid horn when they
come out of the tunnel! The Rams play in a dome too. It could work!
Two Matchups To
Watch:
Matchup #1:
Vikings secondary vs. Sam Bradford
The Vikings defensive backs abused veteran douche bag Jay Cutler last
week and hope to do the same against Sam Bradford this week. Winning
the turnover battle in imperative to winning the game, so a couple
early picks would be perfect.
Matchup #2:
Adrian Peterson vs. The National Media
How many yards would AP have to gain to get any love from ESPN and
Sportscenter? 300? 400? No, they will probably lead with Tim
Tebow's 4 carries for 11 yards out of the Wildcat formation. Bunch
of no good fuckers.
(Editor's Note:
For a fantastic article on Adrian Peterson, check out Steve Marsh's article
here on Grantland. Although Grantland may count as national media, Marsh is a native Minnesotan and not even on the Grantland staff.
The fact that they essentially had to contract out a writer to post
5000 words on the greatest running back of a generation pretty much
reinforces Mike's point. Get stabbed, national media.)
Mike's
All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week
Adrian
Peterson, running back, YOUR Minnesota Vikings
I have to go with All Day. Don't bet against the guy right now. 140
yards and 2 TD's for the beast that is Adrian Peterson.
Final
Takes
Expect
another lackluster performance from Christian Ponder. I think he'll
end up right around 100 yards with 1 TD and 1 INT.
This
contest comes down to who is more physical and wins the battle in the
trenches. If the Vikings can start pushing around the Rams early
they can ride AP throughout the later quarters against a word down Front 7.
Christian
Ponder needs to avoid stupid turnovers and concentrate on his
footwork when throwing the ball. Not an easy task, but I think he
does just enough to keep the Vikings in the game until the 4th
quarter when AP daggers an exhausted Rams team with a long run.
Vikings
win and improve to 8-6!
Final
Score
Minnesota Vikings: 24
St. Louis Rams: 20
Skoooollll Vikes! A big win and a legit shot at a wild card spot.
One can dream.
As always, a big thanks to Mike for stopping by and breaking down
the game. For more of Mike's commentary be sure to give him a follow
on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). He's definitely winning the battle in
the trenches.
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