Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 15 - Minesota Vikings at St. Louis Rams

Street sweeper, baby, cocked, ready to let it go...

Well hello again, football fans! It's Saturday, it's Week 15, it's Ten & Six With Mike Otto!

For those of you who are extremely late to the party, Ten & Six is our weekly football column in which Mike Otto makes his picks for the league and breaks down the fortunes of YOUR Minnesota Vikings.

With their victory over those wretched Chicago Bears last week the Vikings kept their faint playoff hopes alive. This week they head to St. Louis to take on the Rams.

Mike, good to see ya, buddy. What's on tap this week?

Welcome back to Ten & Six!

It was quite an interesting week in the NFL. The Vikings victory over the Bears kept playoff hopes alive for the Cowboys, Redskins, Rams, and our very own Purple People Eaters!

It was yet another brutally average week for my picks, which went 8-8 again with some very dubious game predictions. The Chiefs winning two in a row?!? What was I thinking?

Christian Ponder turned in another lackluster effort in the passing game, going 11-17 for 91 yards and an interception as the Vikings passing attack dropped to 32^nd (aka The Worst) in the NFL. Keep in mind, this is a league that includes the Jets, Jaguars, and Cardinals. Pretty pathetic.

Regardless, the Vikings won in spite of their quarterback (by my count, the third time they've done so this season).

There are few words to describe the season Adrian Peterson is having, especially of late. Over the last seven games AP has been simply unstoppable! He came out in last week's Bears game and put the team on his back, willing them to victory with every single carry.

He is the entire offense right now. Everyone on the defense knows he's getting the ball, but it doesn't matter! Nobody can hang with AP right now.

More on the incredible disparity of the Vikings running and passing game later, let's make some picks! I'm channeling my inner Adrian Peterson and putting these picks on my back! It's time for a better week.

Washington (7-6) at Cleveland (5-8)

I can't keep eating cat food, this is getting embarrassing.

I must subconsciously be enjoying the cat food because I actually picked the Chiefs over the Browns last week. Quite ill-advised indeed. My head told me to pick the Browns, by gut told me to pick the Chiefs. Never trust a gut full of cat food.

I don't think it really matter if it's Bob III or Kirk Cousins quarterbacking the 'Skins, the Browns will lose! They just love disappointing home crowds. 'Skins win 24-16.

Tampa Bay (6-7) at New Orleans (5-8)

Really, Josh Freeman? 14-32 passing? You lost to the freaking Eagles?

I can't stand you! You are the streakiest quarterback I have ever seen and make it impossible for me to predict the outcome of your games! One week you're a strong-armed, accurate monster of a QB, the next you're a bigger joke than Terry Bradshaw at a spelling bee! Hey Terry, can you spell “Immaculate Reception?” Probably not. How about “Crazy old fucker?” Good job!

Josh Freeman hates me and I don't care for him too much either. Saints win 31-20

Indianapolis (9-4) at Houston (11-2)

This will be quite the challenge for young Andy Lucky. If he could lead the Colts to victory in this game it would be a huge statement and prove that the Colts could be a formidable playoff opponent to anybody.

Big statement game for the Texans as well. After getting trounced by the Patriots, they need this one to maintain their status as the AFC's second best team and prevent the start of a late season swoon.

This is going to be a close game into the 4^th quarter, but I think it's just too much for the young Colts. Texans win 28-23.

Denver (10-3) at Baltimore (9-4)

Suddenly things aren't looking so good for the Ravens. I seriously question firing your offensive coordinator with three games left in the season and nine wins already under your belt. The Ravens did put up 28 points in their loss last week. Usually that's enough to win.

I really feel like Cam Cameron was a scapegoat in all of this. One thing is for sure, his parents were idiots for naming him “Cam Cameron.”

Expect a lot of Ray Rice in this one, but it won't matter because all Peytie Manny do is win games. Ravens drop their third straight, Broncos win 24-20.

Green Bay (9-4) at Chicago (8-5)

A couple of asshole squads facing off in this one. Two teams I really despise and I'm going to be angry no matter who wins.

I watched the NFL's “Sound FX” for the Vikings-Bears game. They had Bears QB & pompous douche bag Jay Cutler mic'd up. At one point, offensive coordinator Mike Tice comes over and says, “Jay, do you think you could do that for me?”

(Seconds pass with no response. Tice tries again.)

“Jay, hey Jay, could you do that?”

(Seconds more pass. With a smirk, Culter turns to Brandon Marshall.)

“I don't listen to him...”

(Tice walks away with resignation all over his face as if to say, “Fuck my life.”)

While there is no context to what Tice is asking Cutler to do, that, folks, is Jay Cutler in a nutshell. Arrogant little bitch. Packers win 27-21.

New York Giants (8-5) at Atlanta (11-2)

Tough call in this game. Pretty much a freakin' toss-up.

The Falcons got Newton'd last week. No, not the revolutionary physicist, but the streaky sophomore quarterback.

The Giants hold a tenuous one-game lead in the NFC East and it seems like a bad idea to bet against a Tom Coughlin-led team in December games that matter.

I'm willing to bet the Falcons late-season struggles (patent pending) began last week against the Panthers and will continue this week against the more disciplined Giants. New York wins a close one 24-21.

Jacksonville (2-11) at Miami (5-8)

God, I can't wait until the playoffs so I can stop writing about games like this. One simply can't make this garbage interesting.

I could look into my crystal ball and tell you that at some point in this game Ryan Tannehill's wife would pop a titty out, but I still doubt anyone would watch.

Wherever the Jaguars go, ratings disease follows. Dolphins win 20-10.

Detroit (4-9) at Arizona (4-9)

The Cardinals were thoroughly embarrassed last week. The 58-0 blowout loss suffered on Sunday was the NFL equivalent of getting caught jerking off in a movie theater. The Arizona Cardinals will now be known as the Arizona Fred Willards.

If I was the Fred Willards I would try to top it this week. Does Ryan Lindley have a kid? Start it at quarterback! Sit Larry Fitzgerald! You only lost by 58 last week! C'mon, you're better than that!

Lions win 124-3 and Ndamukong Suh kicks everyone in the balls at least once.

Seattle (8-5) at Buffalo (5-8)

Not to toot my own horn, but the Seahawks were my pre-season pick to be a surprise playoff team. Pete Carroll is getting the most out of a group of young guys who really seem to respect him. Someone has to respect him, right? Pepper Pete is absolutely insufferable to watch on the sidelines every Sunday unless you live in the cappuccino capital of the world.

I expect a close game in this one. Needless to say, it's not going to be as easy as last week's victory for the Seachickens. Still, they get their 9^th win over Buffalo 23-16.

Carolina (4-9) at San Diego (5-8)

With rumors swirling of Norva's demise at the conclusion of this season, the Chargers went out and played arguably their best game of the year last week.

If I was comparing Norva to a chicken breast, I would say she is a spineless boneless, except on Friday nights when Philip comes over, they share a bottle of wine, and Philip makes him a large bone-in! Gives her the old wishbone, if you catch my drift. Lots of juice in that bird, if you know what I mean...

Philip Rivers plows Norva in the hind quarters every Friday night is what I'm getting at. Be sure to use protection, you two, or little Barbella might have a baby bro to watch over... Panthers win 27-20.

Pittsburgh (7-6) at Dallas (7-6)

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think the Cowboys are going to win this game.

It seems fitting that the Cowboys will finally play decent football in December yet still end up missing the playoffs because of their early-season struggles. Cowboys fans should take solace in the fact that their team is finding a new way to ultimately fail. In Texas that's viewed as a type of progress.

Anyway, Cowboys win 24-23 and improve to 2-0 in December!

Kansas City (2-11) at Oakland (3-10)

The only way this game could get stupider is if they let Blaine Gabbert officiate it. He can't throw flags worse than he does footballs can he?

Speaking of terribly thrown footballs, it's Brady Quinn and Matt Cassel! How bad must Matt Cassel be to lose his job to Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? Belichick made him look like a potential franchise QB, then shipped him off to KC for draft picks.

Evil genius. Kansas City, I feel for you. You got Belichicked. Oakland wins 20-16.

San Francisco (9-3-1) at New England (10-3)

Harbaugh vs. Belichick!

You know Belichick doesn't like all the ass kissing Jim Harbaugh has been receiving from the national media. Belichick is intent on reminding everyone who is King Ass in this league, so pucker up ESPN, you're gonna be getting familiar with some Boston booty again. Wear some goddamn lipstick this time and leave Skip Bayless on the bus!

I think Moss gets in the end zone this weekend, a place he has visited (according to my predictions), 43 times this year. Patriots win 28-24.

New York Jets (6-7) at Tennessee (4-9)

Really, NFL? Couldn't flex anything else to Monday night?

Also, this tells me somebody doing the scheduling once looked at this game and said, “Boy, that looks like an intriguing matchup!” Or maybe it's simply that the NFL can't get off New York's nuts.

That's why their utter failure has been so satisfying to me. The little media darling that is a professional sports team from New York took a giant steamy shit all over themselves and their asshole fans.

I'm picking the Titans to win 17-13 if only because I feel too fucking dirty believing the Jets can do anything right.

Alright, that's the league. On to the main event:

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (7-6) at ST. LOUIS RAMS (6-6-1)

♫ I believe that Christian Ponder is the future, give him the ball and let him lead the team! ♫

Syke! The dude has problems. Problems with confidence, arm strength, happy feet, and downfield vision. He needs a statement game (or three) for me to be satisfied with his overall body of work for this year.

Ponder started out well this year, took a couple big hits, and developed the dreaded “happy feet” that has doomed so many quarterbacks before him. It's eerily similar to how last year went when he took over the team, played a couple promising games, and crapped the bed the rest of the way.

He's throwing off his back foot, which requires a rocket arm that he just doesn't have. He flees the pocket before any real need to do so and misses potentially open receivers because of it.

Finally, at this point in the year, he is a complete joke and a non-concern to opposing defenses. Samantha Steele, maybe you accepted that proposal a little too quickly.

Wow, that was negative. Let's try to turn it around by talking a few positives from last week. The team did win, after all.

-Adrian Peterson! The All-Pro running back needs 506 yards in 3 games to break Eric Dickerson's single-season rushing record. Now, 506 yards over 3 games is something AP has never done before in his spectacular career, but this has been a season of firsts for the best back in the NFL. If he's within 200 yards of the record Week 17 against the Packer, I'd say don't bet against him.

-The Vikings Entire Offensive Life AP couldn't have gone on this stunning stretch of games without a little help from his friends. The run-blocking has been superb during the last 7 games. AP is constantly facing 8- and 9-man fronts, but it hasn't mattered because none of the defenders can get off their blocks! Honorable mention to fullback Jerome Felton, who has been destroying linebackers in the hole to get AP to the 2^nd level. And let's face it, defensive backs have no chance to tackle All Day one-on-one in the open field. The running game has been about as good as it can be lately.

And, of course, some negatives.

-Christian Ponder Plain and simple, he sucks right now. With decent quarterback play, even with slightly-proficient quarterback play, the Vikings are a playoff lock. Without it they are... well... this. Pretty straight forward. Get better at football, dude! I can't think of any other negatives from last week's game. Defense was great. Special teams were great. Half the offense was great. The quarterback is the most influential position on the field in determining wins and losses. Let's hope Ponder hasn't reached his ceiling.

Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:

Key #1: Win the battle at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball

The Rams defensive line is strong and athletic and they have a size advantage against the Vikings interior offensive line. If John Sullivan and Co. can handle their business on the inside it will take away a big advantage away from the Rams and go a long way towards a win for The Purple.

Key #2: Give the rock to AP

This has to be the focal point of the offense again. If the running game can't get going, the Vikings have little chance to win this game. If #28 wants to break any 53 yard, 1^st quarter runs, that would be much appreciated.

Key #3: Hypnotize the entire team before the game to believe they are playing in the Metrodome

Let them wear the purple uniforms and blow some stupid horn when they come out of the tunnel! The Rams play in a dome too. It could work!

Two Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1: Vikings secondary vs. Sam Bradford

The Vikings defensive backs abused veteran douche bag Jay Cutler last week and hope to do the same against Sam Bradford this week. Winning the turnover battle in imperative to winning the game, so a couple early picks would be perfect.

Matchup #2: Adrian Peterson vs. The National Media

How many yards would AP have to gain to get any love from ESPN and Sportscenter? 300? 400? No, they will probably lead with Tim Tebow's 4 carries for 11 yards out of the Wildcat formation. Bunch of no good fuckers.

(Editor's Note: For a fantastic article on Adrian Peterson, check out Steve Marsh's article here on Grantland. Although Grantland may count as national media, Marsh is a native Minnesotan and not even on the Grantland staff. The fact that they essentially had to contract out a writer to post 5000 words on the greatest running back of a generation pretty much reinforces Mike's point. Get stabbed, national media.)

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week

Adrian Peterson, running back, YOUR Minnesota Vikings

I have to go with All Day. Don't bet against the guy right now. 140 yards and 2 TD's for the beast that is Adrian Peterson.

Final Takes

Expect another lackluster performance from Christian Ponder. I think he'll end up right around 100 yards with 1 TD and 1 INT.

This contest comes down to who is more physical and wins the battle in the trenches. If the Vikings can start pushing around the Rams early they can ride AP throughout the later quarters against a word down Front 7.

Christian Ponder needs to avoid stupid turnovers and concentrate on his footwork when throwing the ball. Not an easy task, but I think he does just enough to keep the Vikings in the game until the 4^th quarter when AP daggers an exhausted Rams team with a long run.

Vikings win and improve to 8-6!

Final Score

Minnesota Vikings: 24

St. Louis Rams: 20

Skoooollll Vikes! A big win and a legit shot at a wild card spot. One can dream.

As always, a big thanks to Mike for stopping by and breaking down the game. For more of Mike's commentary be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). He's definitely winning the battle in the trenches.

Newest Industry also lives on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1), which you can follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Trivial as it may seem, stopping by and giving us a “like” is a legitimate way to support the blog.

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 13 - Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (Plus Picks!)

“It's gonna happen, Josh, and it starts tomorrow. Don't ask me why, I just feel it in my broken bones...”

Well helloooo football fans! Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!

Folks, it's been 12 long weeks but we're finally here. It's Border Battle Sunday! Vikings! Packers! NFC North battle! Wild card battle! Really, it doesn't get much more fun than this.

For those who are new to the Ten & Six experience, Mike Otto is Newest Industry's resident football experience. He's also a diehard Vikings fan and, if you really haven't noticed at any point over the previous 12 weeks, he has quite a distaste for that Green Bay squad.

Each week Mike stops by to break down the upcoming Vikings game and to give us his picks for the rest of the league.

Michael, what's the story for Week 13?

Welcome back to Ten & Six! It was an average week for my picks, which went 7-6, and a rough week for the Vikings, who lost 28-10 to the Chicago Bears.

(Editor's note: Including Thursdays missed pick Mike is now sporting a 118-75-1 record for the season)

In my opinion the game was a lot closer than the score indicates. There were moments early in that game where control of the momentum was right there for the taking. Although it is discouraging that the Vikings could not capitalize on the opportunities they created for themselves, I am encouraged that the team was able to create those opportunities in the first place.

If the Vikings had been sharper and cold-blooded in the first quarter it's a whole different game. The drops on perfect passes are unacceptable, as are the fumbles with minimal contact. The game plan for victory was there, the execution of the game plan was not.

The good news is poor execution can be improved and corrected. I would be more dismayed if the Vikings had been blatantly outsmarted on Sunday, which they most definitely were not.

Looking “big picture,” the Seahawks, Saints, Bucs, and Packers all lost, so the Vikings lost no ground in the wild card race. The Purple also sees the Bears again in two weeks at the Metrodome (where they're a much different team).

This is far from over, people! Much more on the Vikings later! Let's get into some league picks.

Seattle (6-5) at Chicago (8-3)

As much as I hate Jay Cutler, I have to admit he has a fucking rocket arm. When Cutler is focused things go well for the Bears. It's only if the Bears get behind that the downside of Jay Cutler comes out. He gets down on himself and his teammates and starts to think he has to do everything all alone, which generally leads to turnovers and a greater deficit for his team.

None of this will matter Sunday because Pete Carroll's team couldn't win a road game if their dicks were on the line. Bears win 24-17.

Houston (10-1) at Tennessee (4-7)

The Titans just lost to the freaking Jaguars. Seems as though the Titans play better when Matt Hasselback starts over The Jake Locker.

When you open The Jake Locker all you find are a few banana peels, a shoulder brace, and a copy of Football For Dummies. No talent in The Jake Locker, sorry Titans fans. Texans win east 35-17.

New England (8-3) at Miami (5-6)

The Dolphins pulled off a big win against the Seahawks at home last week.

The Patriots were the benefactors of the most embarrassing NFL performance in a long time... maybe ever.

Both these teams are coming off wins and their starting quarterbacks have hot wives. The similarities end their though.

The Patriots are starting to look scary. I wouldn't be surprised to see them win it all. Bill Belechick is the best coach in the NFL and I had no idea who the Dolphins coach was until I looked it up. FYI: It's something called “Joe Philbin,” and his team will lose this week 28-16.

Jacksonville (2-9) at Buffalo (4-7)

Jesus Christ! What a terrible game! This is the NFL equivalent of a pick-up water polo game.

Chad Henne vs. Ryan Fitzpatrick is a tough sell for people who care about these teams. I would rather sleep on a bed of tacks for a week than watch this freaking game.

The Buffalo Bills win the “Blackout Bowl” 16-13.

Indianapolis (7-4) at Detroit (4-7)

Chuckstrong goes to Detroit!

Let's all hope Chuck Pagano doesn't travel with the team. One weekend in Detroit and not only will his cancer come out of remission, he'll pick up Hepatitis C, syphilis, Crohn's Disease, and diabetes.

The Lions season is officially lost and Ndamukong Suh is happy because he can shift his complete focus to his #1 passion: hurting people.

Mister Suh gets so many traffic tickets one might this his name should be Sue Ndamukong. Get it? Because women can't drive! Colts win 24-20.

Carolina (3-8) at Kansas City (1-10)

I had some jokey jokes and rib ticklers written out for this game. Brady Quinn this, Matt Cassel that... so on and so forth. After Saturday morning's tragic murder-suicide in Kansas City it seemed inappropriate to poke fun at anything to do with the Chiefs organization.

Hopefully commissioner Roger Goodell comes to his senses and at least lets Chiefs players/coaches decide if they want to play on Sunday.

Whenever KC plays, I'll be rooting for them. Chiefs win a game for their city 23-21.

I hope they put the money from ticket sales towards a college fund for the now orphaned 3 month old child of the deceased. Please, keep everyone involved with this tragedy in your thoughts. Yes, even Brady Quinn.

San Francisco (8-2-1) at St. Louis (4-6-1)

Suddenly the Niners are destroying everything in the their path. Doesn't matter who is playing quarterback for the Niners as long as their defense keeps doing their thing. Their relentless pressure on the quarterback has led to many turnovers.

Whether it's Black Irish or Alex Smith bears no consequence when there is only 30 yards to the end zone. Niners dispatch the Rams easily 26-17.

Arizona (4-7) at New York Jets (4-7)

The latest installment of the Fat & Doomed soap opera that the New York Jets have become was the best yet! Untouched 80 yard scores! Butt fumbles! And worthless, self-appointed mascots throwing in the towel!

The Jets didn't just lose, they weren't simply outperformed by a better team or screwed by a few bad calls... No, in a span of 52 seconds of the 2^nd quarter, years of poor discipline, bad practices, and, one can only assume, quite a few Double Whoppers, culminated in the Jets being dismantled. Not by the Patriots, but by themselves.

Fuck the Jets! That was the best football game I've watched in quite a while. Cards win a garbage game 17-13.

Tampa Bay (6-5) at Denver (8-3)

Earlier this year we learned Josh Freeman was not the Ford Pinto of NFL quarterbacks. Last week we learned he is not the Rolls Royce of quarterbacks either. Most likely he is somewhere in between, so let's go with the Jeep of quarterbacks. Serviceable, good for getting things done, but probably going to completely break down in 10 years and cost you a lot of money. Broncos win 27-21!

Cleveland (3-8) at Oakland (3-8)

The Browns won last week. I said they would lose. We all know what that means: Cat food time for Big Swerve.

Yes, at the beginning of the year I promised to eat cat food every time I incorrectly predicted a Browns game. And you know I keep my promises!

Brandon Weeden suffered a concussion last Sunday against the Steelers and if he can't play the Browns chances of winning decreases. That's right, Cleveland fans, you currently live in a world where Brandon Weeden playing is a good thing.

Tough call in this one. The Raiders really do suck, but then again, the Browns really suck too. I'm going to go with the home suck over the road suck. Raiders win 24-21.

Cincinnati (6-5) at San Diego (4-7)

In terms of failure, dysfunction, and finding inventive new ways to lose the Chargers are the Jets West.

Norva's run as the first female head coach of an NFL team is nearing an end. I'm honestly a little sad there are only 4 weeks of this left. Last week Norva's defense allowed a check down of 4^th & 28 to gain 29 yards. Just classic. Can't wait to see how they lose this week.

If you just can't live without your dose of Norva next year, stop by the San Diego Pump'n'Munch and ask for Norva's “Squee-Gee Special.” Just be prepared for a pock-marked whore to come out in a wet t-shirt and Daisy Dukes to wash your car and wax your shaft. Make sure to tip Norva, she's behind on Barbella's child support payments. Bengals win 23-16.

Pittsburgh (6-5) at Baltimore (9-2)

The Steelers turned the ball over 8 times last week! They still only lost by 6 points to the Browns (God, the Browns are awful).

Moral of the story, they need the Rapistberger back badly. Charlie Batch can't throw a spiral anymore and it seems as though he can only throw it about 20 yards downfield.

What's Daunte Culpepper up to? JaMarcus Russell? Brody Croyle? Ok, this is getting sad.

(FYI: They are, respectively, eating ham, drinking codeine syrup uner a bridge, and masturbating for the fourth time today.)

Yeah, best to stick with Batch. Ravens win 20-10.

Philadephia (3-8) at Dallas (5-6)

Do you like sloppy, undisciplined play? Do you like penalty-ridden football? How about watching an overpaid secondary that has completely given up? If you answered “yes” then this is the game for you!

I do like longtime Eagles coach and walrus-in-chief Andy Reid and I'm a little sad to see him go out like this. The Eagles might lose out going back to Week 5.

Tony Romo and the Cowboys can't fuck this up, right? Dallas wins 24-17.

New York Giants (7-4) at Washington (5-6)

The Giants look primed to hit their stride in December once again. That squad is quite good at staying right in the thick of things September through November and hitting the switch at the perfect time.

Bob III looked great against the Cowboys, but this is a much better defense. Not to mention one of the best coached teams in the league. Should be a fun game with lots of fireworks. Giants win 27-24.

Now, on to the main attraction:

 MINNESOTA VIKINGS (6-5) AT GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-4)

Border battle! My favorite week of the NFL season is here, it's Vikings-Packers for the first time this season.

Anybody who thinks the Vikings can't go into Lambeau and win is delusional! Some things need to be corrected and a couple things need to go just right, but as we all know, “Anything is possiblllllle!” (copyright: Kevin Garnet)

First off, the offense is going to need to have success downfield in the passing game. Against the Bears last week Christian Ponder attempted 8 passes of 10 yards or more. You know how many were completed? One! You know who it was completed to? The Bears! That's unacceptable and the blame is on Ponder and the receivers who are failing to get open.

Also, the Vikings must play turnover-free football to win! More on a few ways they can do that later. Let's look at some positives and negatives from last week's loss. As always, we'll start with the positives:

-The Gameplan I may be alone in this, but I thought the Vikings coaches had a pretty solid plan in place coming out of the bye. Time and time again the coaches dialed up the right plays to convert key downs or scores only to have a fumble, dropped pass, or underthrown ball waste the opportunity. As of late the coaches have been consistent and the players have not.

-Brandon Marshall For admitting later in the week that some NFL players take Viagra before games. The whole “football isn't gay” argument is losing a little steam. But really, I think we would all be able to spot a guy that had popped a few boner pills before the game. Trent Dilfer, I'm looking at you.

And, sadly, the negatives.

-Execution Plain and simple, the offense sucked. It was sloppy and disorganized throughout the game, but especially noticeable in the first quarter when it wasted a nice start by the Vikings defense. Whether it was Jerome dropping a 3^rd down pass, Ponder underthrowing Rudolph in the end zone, or Blair Walsh line-driving a chip shot field goal right into Julius Peppers' hand, the offense was just pathetic. Let's not forget two Adrian Peterson fumbles. Just plain ugly.

-Christian Ponder Dear God please just put some zip on the ball! Why can't you put any zip on the ball?

Three Keys To A Vikings Victory

Key #1: Win the turnover battle.

The loss to the Bears put the Vikings at 0-5 when they lose the turnover battle as opposed to 6-0 when they win or tie. Pretty fucking cut & dry.

Key #2: Throw the ball to Kyle Rudolph one out of every three passing plays.

With Percy back in Minneapolis Rudolph is your second-best athlete on the field behind Adrian Peterson. He needs to see the ball a lot of times, a lot of different ways. Sadly, out of all the receivers, he probably has the best hands.

Key #3: Be sure to distract Mike McCarthy with something shiny before the game.

Have a Vikings intern run over and drop off a jar of marbles or maybe a glitter-speckled superball for him. That should keep McCarthy occupied for the next few hours... maybe Clay Matthews too.

(Editor's note: Clay Matthews has officially been listed OUT (Glitter-speckled superball). Well done, interns.)

Two Matchups To Watch

Matchup #1: TE Kyle Rudolph vs. LB Dezman Moses

It appears as though Clay Matthews will not play, opening the door for a potential mismatch situation for the physical freak Kyle Rudolph. Yah, he's as big as a reindeer and sure, his might be a little red, but that's only because his veins surge with the blood of the fallen.

Matchup #2: All that is good, reasonable, stylish, intelligent, and cultured vs. the fat, dopey, drunken, lumbering, oafish collective of stupidity that is the Packers faithful

Seriously, fuck everything about the Packers though...

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week

Christian Ponder, quarterback, YOUR Minnesota Vikings

285 yards, 3 TD, 0 INT.... SAY WHATTT??

Final Takes

The Vikings are going to win this game. I'm certain they are! Don't ask me how, it just feels like it.

Everything about the loss last week and the lead up to this Sunday has the classic “Vikings-pull-off-a-huge-upset-to-give-you-hope-only-to-destroy-it-in-three-weeks” feel to it.

Fuck off, Lambeau. Take a powder, Rodgers. Vikings win!

Final Score:

Minnesota Vikings: 28

Green Bay Packers: 24

Man, Border Battle weeks are the best! Big thanks to the homey Mike Otto for stopping by to share a healthy mix of both hope & vitriol. Really, well done.

For more of Mike's intoxicatingly delicious concoction, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). If you think the hate's flowing now, just wait until tomorrow.

Of course this blog also lives on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) which you should follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Please stop by and give us a “like.” Enough likes and we'll be able to BUY glitter-speckled superballs for Week 17 rather than resorting to stealing them.

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 12 (Thanksgiving Bonus!)

Butter up that bacon... bacon up that sausage...

  

Happy Thanksgiving, football fans!

Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto. For those of you who are new to the column, Mike is a lifelong Vikings fan and our resident football expert. Each week he breaks down the upcoming Vikings game and gives us his picks for the rest of the league.

Well, because America is indisputably the greatest country on Earth, we're celebrating Thanksgiving with not one... not two... but three NFL games! Of course, Mike is no stranger to binging on Thanksgiving, so he gave us his picks for all three games.

Mike, put down that pie and give us some thoughts.

Hello football fans and turkeynecks! We have arrived at the annual NFL Turkey Day Extravaganza!!!

Three games on the slate for Thursday and oh, can't we just taste the excitement! I'll get to those picks later, but first, a bit of Thanksgiving tradition.

As we all know, this is the time of year people sit around the table with their families, stuff their faces, drink too much wine, and pass out before the pumpkin pie is served. Also, it's a time we give thanks for things in our lives. Or things that just generally exist.

So here it is, everybody. Ten things that I'm thankful for!

1. Tramp Stamps – For alerting me that I should probably wear a condom and most definitely lose your number tomorrow.
   
   
2. Keith Morrison – His Dateline murder mysteries are to die for... or ARE they?? Yes, yes they are.
3. The Pioneer Press – It really is great fire-starting material.
   
   
4. The Entire Jets Organization – You're all so fat & doomed. Thank you for making my family look capable, functional, and sane.
   
   
5. Norva Turner & Philip Rivers – They remind all those couples out there that it could be worse. Norva, Philip... Just remember that a strong relationship is built on communication, love, compassion, and a solid TD-to-INT ratio.
   
   
6. Beer – Because... I mean, c'mon! I mean... you gotta have beer. I mean... c'mon!
   
   
7. Shannon Sharpe Being On TV - “Uh-buh-dee, uh-buh-dee, that's all folks!” Never has there been a less concise TV analyst. Tarvaris Jackson, there's still hope for a post-football career in broadcasting. Shannon, can you say “enunciate?” Probably not. Moving on...
   
   
8. Headlines With The Word “Gronk” In Them – Just kidding. The only “Gronk” headline that would make me happy is, “Gronk Mauled To Death By Walrus At Seaworld.” Which leads me to #9...
   
   
9. Andy Reid, Prime Attraction At Seaworld – He has to do something Monday-Saturday, right? The kids love you, Andy. And now I do too, because you killed Rob Gronkowski.
   
   
10. YOUR 2012 Minnesota Vikings! - Thank you for still being relevant at Week 11! Nobody believed in you, but I did. Six games left and you need 4 wins to make the playoffs. I believe!!

Well that's that. In all seriousness, I am most thankful for my friends and family (you know who you are).

Also, bacon. Bacon is the best.

On to the picks!

  

Houston (9-1) at Detroit (4-6)

The Lions are faced with a must win situation. In fact, they must win out to even have a shot at the postseason. That seems unlikely, especially with Houston's high-powered offense du up next.

Matt Schaub will no doubt feast on a very weak Lions secondary and I don't think Matt Stafford has what it takes to keep up.

The Lions will put up a fight on Thanksgiving with their season on the line, but the Texans win 28-23.

  

Washington (4-6) at Dallas (5-5)

You down with RG III? Yeah, you know me!

The Cowboys have reached .500! And, at 5-5, the national media will not get off the Cowboys' nuts. They barely squeaked out a victory at home against the Browns in a sloppy, penalty-ridden game. The Cowboys are garbage. They are pretenders and I seriously doubt they beat any more than a select few NFL teams on a regular basis.

Cowboys lose to the Skins 24-16 and their season is lost.

  

New England (7-3) at New York Jets (4-6)

Life Without Gronk

Gronk Watch

The Gronk Effect

Winning Without Gronk

The Curve Of Gronk's Dick

These were all stories on ESPN after Sunday. I hate ESPN so fucking much. Not to mention this is the second time in as many years Rob Gronkowski has been hurt and I've had to read these insufferable headlines. The next person to say the word “Gronk” makes my shit list for the rest of time.

The Jets actually won a road game last Sunday? Behind some decent QB play from Mark Sanchez?

The only explanation is that, for three hours last Sunday, we all entered a time vortex that transported us to some bizarro universe where down is up, black is white, Mark Sanchez is a capable quarterback, and his coach is the brilliant Ryan Rex (who is not fat & doomed, but thin and destined for success).

How boring. Back to our universe on Turkey Day. Patriots win 31-20.

There you have it, turkeynecks! Everybody have a safe and happy Thanksgiving here in our universe!

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Assuming he awakes from his tryptophan & wine induced coma Mike will be back this Saturday to break down the upcoming Vikes game and give us his picks for the rest of the league.

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