Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 13 - Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings

If you don't know by now I'm talkin' 'bout Chi-town...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six: Week 13!

We hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving, especially those of you in Wisconsin.  Hey, at least the Packers held the Lions to 40.

With the Lions putting a nail in the coffin of the Packers NFC North hopes, the focus now shifts to beautiful Minneapolis.  The Bears and their 32nd ranked run defense come to town to face off against Adrian Peterson, the greatest running back on the face of the Earth, needing a win to keep pace with Detroit.

Mikey, tell us all about it.

CHICAGO BEARS (6-5) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-8-1)

Now that Tie-gate is nearly a week in the rear view mirror I find myself more disappointed in the outcome than ever before. Granted, the Lions absolute destruction of the Packers made me feel momentarily sane once again, (in a "sporting world" sense) but it also made me realize just how bad the Vikings defense played against Matt Flynn in the 4th quarter last week. Matt Flynn is not good at football, and the Vikings secondary made him look like a young Joey Montana by the end of last week. The Packers had no business coming back to send that game into overtime, yet somehow they did.

The worst part about all of this? You can't blame any of it on Christian Ponder! That's no way to live. He's my favorite Purple scapegoat. Well what's done is done and lets thank god for that. Let's look at some positive(s) and negatives from last week.

As always, the positive(s) first.

Positive(s):

-Audie Cole  I've been begging for this coaching staff to give him some playing time ever since he picked off the Bills twice (taking one to the house) in his first pre-season. He never saw regular season action until last week and he made the most of it, tallying a sack and a couple of beautiful hits on the QB. He did exactly what a young MLB is supposed to do, run downhill towards the football with reckless abandon, making a couple plays in the backfield in the process. Something Erin Henderson's drunk ass has failed to do all year. Have another drink, Erin, I hope you never start at MLB again. 

-Cordarrelle Patterson  He has been seeing increased playing time week by week and tallied a career high in receptions against the Packers with 5 catches in 9 targets. I would have liked to see him make one more important catch late in the game, on a deep ball that was perfectly placed by Ponder (hard to believe, but it's true). Those ball skills will come with time, but it's great to see the rookie wideout get more involved as time goes on.

Negatives:

-Late Game Defense  This Vikings defense has been epically bad all year in the final quarter when an opposing team decides the only way to get back in the game is through the air. It seems like every week the Vikings defensive players and coaches are finding a new way to screw the pooch and piss away a close game. Watching this shit was terrible the first time, the fact that it has happened time and time again is indescribably terrible. Week after week, the one thing you can count on is the Vikings defense choking away a close game.

Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:

Key #1:  Hit Them Hard, Hit Them Early

Last week the Rams blew out the Bears by getting early turnovers and turning them into touchdowns. The Bears are defensively depleted after a series of injuries to starters and their ability to protect a short field is practically non-existent. Force them into early turnovers and make them pay and the offense won't have the firepower to come back.

Key #2:  Josh McCown Sucks, Remind Him Of That

A man's confidence is only as strong as the last time he was horribly maimed. Harass him, and make sure every time he drops back he is fearing for his pathetic life. The Vikings owe McCown payback for 2003 at Sun Devil stadium, when he and a pathetic Cardinals team knocked the Vikings out of the playoffs with their win. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and this one is nearly frozen. Time to teach McCown an important lesson: that he's a worthless fuck.

Key #3:  Contain Matt Forte

The Bears offense will go as he goes. The passing game only has a chance to get going if Forte can find some room on the ground. Stop him in his tracks and the Bears will suddenly become very one dimensional. The Vikings secondary is really bad, and the only chance they have is to know exactly what's coming. The only way to accomplish that is by making any yardage gained on the ground hard earned and painful.

Two Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1:  Audie Cole vs. The Pressure Of His Second Start

Audie had a good game last week and now faces the pressure of having expectations placed upon him for the first time in his very young career. Sometimes a bit of pressure is enough to throw a young man's game. He stops playing and starts thinking too much. Football isn't a thinking man's game, so let's hope he just keeps hitting things hard.

Matchup #2:  Cordarrelle Patterson vs. The Depleted Bears Secondary

No Peanut Tillman and the rookie looks primed for a break out game. This could be the perfect recipe for his first hundred yard receiving game and let's hope he finds the endzone once or twice.

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week

You guessed it!  Cordarrelle Patterson, wide receiver, YOUR Minnesota Vikings

He has to break through at some point right? Why not Sunday! 110 Yards/1 TD

Final Takes

The Bears are easily my second least favorite team, and they typically have a bad time when they come to the Dome. No Cutler, no Tillman, no win for the Bears.

The Vikings were on the doorstep of a divisional victory last week and I think they will finish the job off on Sunday. The Bears are down, and they're about to be out. Look for big games from AP, Cordarrelle and another solid performance from rookie LB Audie Cole. It all adds up to a Vikings victory.

Final Score

Chicago Bears: 23
Minnesota Vikings: 27

There you have it, folks!  The Vikings nearly played spoiler in Green Bay last week and they complete the task this week!

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin on a Sunday.  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.        

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 12 - Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (Plus Picks!)

Hello, Wisconsin!

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome back to Ten & Six!

To the surprise of absolutely nobody with an IQ breaking 40 the Golden Gophers were thrashed by the Wisconsin Badgers at TCF Bank Stadium today.  But fear not, Minnesotans!  Christian Ponder will redeem our pride at Lambeau tomorrow!

Alright, that's probably not going to happen either.

Regardless!  It's Packers Week and that means it's time to check in with our old buddy Mike Otto to get his take on what happened in Seattle last week and what we have to look forward to this week.

Mikey, thoughts?

Did I say 27-24? I meant 47-24!

Welcome back football fans! The Vikings end Week 11 only 15 spots out of the final playoff spot. They are so in the hunt...for the number one pick next year. If the season ended today, our beloved Purple would own the 2nd overall pick in the 2014 draft. Johnny Football, you will be ours!

Last week the Vikings were thoroughly dismantled in Seattle. Percy Harvin only touched the ball twice, but both touches reminded Minnesota fans exactly how much talent they lost when he was traded away last year. The Vikings managed to hang with the Seahawks for nearly an entire two quarters. Unfortunately, the modern NFL game stretches a span of FOUR quarters. Screwed on some bullshit technicality again. 

Christian Ponder reminded us once again that he is in fact Christian Ponder.  Adrian Peterson has a groin strain that makes him questionable for Sunday against the Packers. My plea to AP: PLEASE DO NOT play if you aren't 100% healthy. The squad doesn't even need you to beat a Rodgers-less Packers team anyway. Let Toby get in there and pinball around for a week. Of course he is going to play, because he's AP and you can't make him sit if he wants to go.

As for who will play quarterback, I'm not entirely sure at this point and I don't think the team really is either. My educated guess would be Matt Cassel, if only because the Vikings don't want to start Josh Freeman in a hostile environment again. What does it matter? The Dome will be plenty hostile as soon as he airmails his first pass to a wide open receiver. I think Cassel is the guy.

(Editor's Note: Mikey wrote this column on Wednesday only to have professional internet troll/amateur football coach Leslie Frazier announce Christian Ponder as the starter at Lambeau.  Regardless, this paragraph is staying in because it remains a semi-valid point.)

One thing I am sure about, if Ponder doesn't get the nod in Green Bay, Seattle will be where his career as Vikings starting QB ended. Fitting, if you think about it, because you could point to last year's game against the Seahawks as the beginning of the end for young Mr. Ponder. Who says things don't come full circle? 

Anyway, enough with that talk, more on the Vikings and Packers week later, lets get into some league picks! Last week my picks went 9-6, as I stay mired in mediocrity. I'm the Arizona Cardinals of picking football games right now and I don't like that one bit, so watch me try to fix it, only to throw 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. Lets go! 

Tampa Bay (2-8) at Detroit (6-4) 

The Bucs are on a surprising two game win streak, while the Lions played an uneven game in Pittsburgh last week which led to a loss. The Lions still hold the NFC North division lead, and, having already swept the season series against the Bears, they will hold the tiebreaker for the remainder of the year.

Don't let the last two wins fool you, Greg Schiano is still an idiot who likely will be gone at year's end. Darrelle Revis needs to consider locking down his hairline, as it continues to go deeper and deeper into his forehead. Eh? See what I did there? Lions win 26-17.

Jacksonville (1-9) at Houston (2-8)

I think it would be more entertaining if we took the 11 most depressed fans of these teams and made them play four quarters on Sunday. Give the professionals a week off, let them play some golf, rest their bones. Winners get to go out peacefully, losers get put in a giant iron box in the hot Texas sun.

All the Texans have at this point is JJ Watt and Andre Johnson. Too bad JJ can't play QB or CB as well as DE.

I'm rooting for the Jaguars to win, because I want my team to nab that #1 pick. That's right folks, it's come to rooting for the Jaguars. Dark Times. Rooting aside, I don't think the Texans can lose this one. A " Case Keenum" is better than a "Blaine Gabbert," right? What a terrible question. Texans win a close one, 20-17.

San Diego (4-6) at Kansas City (9-1)

I've never been more sure that the Chiefs will be a top AFC seed in the playoffs...that will lose in the divisional round. Defense used to win championships. Now only once-in-a-generation defenses win championships. You need the offensive firepower to go with it, and I'm sorry, Alex Smith, Dwayne Bowe, and Jamaal Charles isn't going to be enough. No matter how many times Dwayne Bowe goes puff, puff, pass reception, it won't get the job done. That being said, they will beat the Chargers this week. I mean, c'mon it's Phillip Rivers. Chiefs win, 23-16.

Carolina (7-3) at Miami (5-5)

The Panthers are looking like the surprise team of the year and I'm OK with this. I've been a Steve Smith fan for years. I love how he gets in opponents heads and gets them off their game as a result. That's called veteran savvy. "HA HA! Ice up son!" That was just fantastic. Aqib Talib, salt in your wounds. Cam Newton looks like he has returned to the form of his rookie year. The biggest thing for Killa Cam is playing with confidence and right now he has swag in abundance. The league should take notice. Panthers win, 31-21.

Pittsburgh (4-6) at Cleveland (4-6)

The Steelers have looked like a better team in recent weeks. The offensive line is giving The Rapistberger a little time in the pocket and as a result the passing game is clicking. Antonio Brown is a top three receiver in the NFL at this moment and he carved up the Lions badly, eclipsing 100 yards and scoring 2 TD's in the first quarter. The Steelers, who looked lost at the beginning of the year, should easily dispatch the Browns in this one. Steelers win, 23-13.

Chicago (6-4) at St. Louis (4-6)

The Bears kept themselves in the thick of the division race with a nice win over the Ravens last week. What really hurts is the realization that Josh McCown would be the best quarterback on the Vikings roster. The Bears game was suspended for nearly 2 hours due to severe weather and the grass at Soldier Field looked more like mud after play resumed. The Bears handled the horrible field well, and got the "W" as a result. 

Honestly, from week to week, I forget the St. Louis Rams exist. Bears win, 22-21.

New York Jets (5-5) at Baltimore (4-6)

I'm begging the Ravens to throw some dirt on the Jets season. They have been thrown in the hole numerous times this year, only to climb out with a victory the following week. My sanity would greatly benefit from a three or four game Jets losing streak, and maybe Rex Ryan tearing an ACL while getting up to grab another plate at Old Country Buffet. That tattoo of a sexy woman in a Mark Sanchez jersey is probably scheduled to get removed in the offseason. Word to the wise Rex, never draft a USC QB and get his number tatted on you. Actually, just never draft a USC QB. C'MON RAVENS! Ravens win it (please, dear God) 26-21.

Tennessee (4-6) at Oakland (4-6)

The Jake Locker is upset with the "injury prone" designation he has been given. Shout out to Locker, you weren't just given that designation, you earned that shit.

Matt McGloin got the start last week for the Raiders and that sounds just about right doesn't it? McGloin! Stop jerking it and get back out on that field! You're due for another fumble. I hate to say this, but doesn't Christian Ponder look like a future Oakland Raiders back-up QB? He reminds me of a Bruce Gradkowski. 

Ryan Fitzpatrick has an admirable crazy beard, especially for a Stanford graduate. You'd be crazy too if you were Ryan Fitzpatrick. Titans get a win, 19-17.

Indianapolis (7-3) at Arizona (6-4)

The Cardinals are the quietest 6-4 team in the NFL. Michael Floyd finally did something in the NFL last week and has generally shown signs he is trending in the right direction this year. The Honey Badger looks to be a legitimate talent at safety. Things are going well right now for the Cardinals which means one thing: this can't last. The Colts come to town and if good Andrew Luck shows up the Cards will lose this one. I think good Andy comes to town and the Colts win, 27-24.

Dallas (5-5) at New York Giants (4-6)

The Cowboys are going to lose this game. I am almost positive about this one. My reasoning? It's almost December and Jerry Jones still has his icy cold hands all over "America's Team." That really is the best name for the Cowboys. They are wildly inconsistent, mildly dysfunctional, and have put too much power in the wrong people's hands. America's Team indeed. Tom Coughlin is a rotten old fuck too, don't get me wrong, but I think he's the rotten old fuck that comes out on top this week. Giants win 24-23.

Denver (9-1) at New England (7-3)

The Patriots think they got jobbed by the refs on Monday night. That's cute. Sorry, but the "Tuck Rule" karma combined with the "Spygate" karma means you don't get to say shit about anything until the year 2020. At least.

Seriously though, the audacity of Patriots fans to cry about that one. A kid born in Boston by the year 2000 has already lived to witness a total of 6 championships won by their city's teams. So do everyone else a favor, Patriots fans, and fuck off. Nobody cares about your whiny bullshit. Hey here's an idea, maybe Gronk should run a better route or Brady should throw a better pass in the final play of that game. Then you might have some ground to stand on. You fucks. Broncos win 33-31.

San Francisco (6-4) at Washington (3-7)

Washington fans have been complaining about the play of RG III. They wanted him benched in the last game in favor of Kirk Cousins. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Be grateful for what you have. This dude put your team on the map last year and he is your only hope for future success. He also continues to sacrifice his body and take a brutal beating week after week in an effort to make your miserable team worth anything. You dislike his play that much? The Vikings will give you Ponder for him, probably our 1st round pick too. No? Don't want to do that? Shut the fuck up then and put a team around you QB that does his numerous talents justice. Assholes. Niners win 26-20.

That's that! On to the main event! Christian Ponder is holding a press conference Wednesday afternoon, which is a sneaky tell that he will be starting at Lambeau field. Nothing makes sense to me anymore, but hey, fuck it. Let's break this mess down!

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-8) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-5)

I hate everything.

Leslie Frazier has decided that Christian Ponder gives the Vikings the "best chance to win." If that is the case, why even bother showing up? Well, because the Packers will be starting J.R.R. Tolkien at quarterback, or something like that. It's sure to be a terribly boring game that only the suckers from Minnesota and Wisconsin will be watching.

I want this one bad. My opinion is Matt Cassel would give the Vikings the best chance to win, but what do I know? I'd rather have Josh Freeman start. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? FUCKING JOSH FREEMAN! Diseased.

Before I get into the showdown at Lambeau lets look at some positive(s) and negatives from last week in Seattle. As always, the positive(s) first.

Positive(s):

-Jarius Wright  He had a two TD game and looks like he really needs snaps to stay interested and be effective. He's not the kind of guy that can get five snaps a game and make something of it. Too bad the Vikings don't have a quarterback that can consistently handle 4-Wide sets. Going forward I'd like to see him get more spells of Greg Jennings so he can be on the field for t least 15-20 plays. It's not like Jennings is doing a whole hell of a lot anyway.

Negatives:

-Fucking Ponder!  "He had a great first half," people say. FUCK THAT. He threw what should have been a pick-six that hit a Seattle linebacker between the numbers in the first half. If dude catches that pathetic pass and takes it to the house say "bye bye" to that "great" first half. "But he stuck a touchdown on Richard Sherman," people say. FUCK THAT. That ball was underthrown and Jarius Wright had to stop running and wait for it, almost giving Sherman time to get back in the play and break it up. Even when Ponder plays his best (which involves an incredible amount of luck) he still fucking sucks. 

-The Coaching Staff  I have supported Leslie Frazier as long as I could. If he and his staff aren't gone at year's end I might fucking lose it. I can't write about Bill Musgrave game plans for another year. I want Johnny Football and I want Johnny Gruden to go with him. Two Johnnys a playoff team would make. No Johnnys my own life I may take. OK, I don't care that much but, God, I can't watch this shit much longer.

Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:

Key #1:  Destroy Tokien's Confidence Into A Million Little Pieces First Chance You Get

Seriously, fuck this guy. If the Vikings can't get some goddamn picks against this idiot noodle-armed rookie they couldn't intercept a pass from my Granny. Having watched a couple games of Tolkien passes I've come to the conclusion he has the football skills of a Hobbit without any of the heart that comes with being a Halfling. Sack him, strip him, destroy his life, I don't care what it takes but get in his head early and he will crumble. Send this little bitch back to the Shire then burn it down.

Key #2:  Stop Eddie Lacy

It seems like an unlikely proposition that this can happen. The Vikings D-Line is weak, their linebackers are slow and/or stupid and the secondary couldn't tackle a power back if their lives depended on it. That being said, stopping Eddie Lacy is imperative to having any chance of victory. Tolkien's only chance of getting going is if he has a run game working to make the play-action effective. It's all horribly connected and will probably make me want to murder things come Sunday. Fuck. 

Key #3:  Bench Ponder After His Inevitable First Quarter Interception

Getting Ponder out of the game as quickly as possible gives the Vikings their best chance to win. Let's all hope his first dropback goes for a touchdown to the wrong team and Leslie Frazier has the balls to yank him right then and there. Cassel can come back from being down 7 points, any more than that he will flounder miserably. I hate you, Christian Ponder. I don't want you to get hit by a bus or anything, but I actively root for your unquestionable failure. 

Two Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1:  Jordy Nelson vs. Xavier Rhodes

Forget that "Jordy" is a better name for a dog than a person, he can be one of the best in the business. Surprise, he hasn't done much since Aaron Rodgers went down. He also hasn't faced a secondary quite this bad yet. Something has to give. The rookie corner has yet to get an interception in the NFL and I don't want this season to end without him nabbing one. Against the Packers rookie QB, he may have his best chance of the year. 

Matchup #2:  Eddy Lacy vs. The Vikings Linebackers

The Vikings LB's have been frequently taken advantage of like a freshman in college with a drinking problem. They are always a second late, a step slow, and it has shown game after game as opposing running backs easily pick up 5 or 6 yards with every touch. It has been incredibly frustrating to watch slightly above-average running backs do whatever they want. Unless a Vikings lineman breaks through and makes a play in the backfield, run plays are going for significant positive yardage. There have been very few 1 yard gains by opposing running backs. Historically, when the Vikings are having success, they hold teams under 100 yards rushing. That hasn't happened much this year. 

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Game

Marcus Sherels, cornerback/punt returner, YOUR Minnesota Vikings

Yes, it's come to this.  Tolkien is a shitty quarterback, there is no question about that. He is going to throw at least one pick, and I think Marcus Sherels is the guy to nab it. Also, in the event the Vikings force a punt out of the Packers, look for Marcus to make some noise. 4 tackles/1 Interception.

 Final Takes

This is going to be one clunker of a game. Cold weather, two shitty quarterbacks and two highly questionable defenses. Wouldn't be surprised if this one was low scoring.

I said last week Ponder wouldn't finish the game in Seattle and I was right. I'm sensing something very similar in this game. Whether he leaves the game because he gets hurt or simply because he starts being Christian Ponder at some point doesn't really matter.

I can't remember the last time I've been this apathetic about Packers Week. Yeah, I hope the Vikings win (and I will thoroughly taunt everything about this game), but if they lose I'm not going to cut my wrists. Or break a plate. Or scream at the TV. I'll probably just shrug my shoulders and walk away.

One thing I have become very passionate about is my belief that Leslie Frazier must go at year's end. He's a great guy, but a below average coach. He got to 10-6 last year with one of the most epic seasons by a running back in NFL history. That has never been more apparent than it is now. Close game, sloppy game, shitty result. 

Final Score

Minnesota Vikings: 17
Green Bay Packers: 20

There you have it, Vikings fans!  A prediction of disappointment and a promise of safe wrists.  That's what this year's Vikings season has come to.  Look on the bright side - at least you're not a poorly dressed fat ass with a lazy eye.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin on a Sunday.  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.    

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 11 - Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks (Plus Picks!)

I read Seattle Times, I watch Seattle news...

Well hello again, fooball fans! Welcome to Ten & Six: Week 11!

The Vikings are riding high after defeating the Redskins last Thursday night.  This week they find themselves in Seattle, the sight of last season's lowest moment of the year.  They'll be squaring off against former teammate Percy Harvin, All-American boy Russell Wilson, and head coach Pete Carroll, history's greatest monster.

Mikey, what do we have to look forward to this week?

Welcome back football fans!

It was a wild week in the NFL and my picks went 8-6 as a result. Not terrible but well below the accuracy I strive for. That has been the story of my prognostication season thus far, so lets see if I can change some things this week. Lets make some picks!

New York Jets (5-4) at Buffalo (3-7) 

Welcome young and old, to the 2013 Shitbowl Of The Northeast!

This yawner certainly means something to someone somewhere, but absolutely nothing to this guy right here. Almost less than nothing. If you told me tomorrow that the Bills and Jets ceased to exist any longer on our plane of reality, I would shrug my shoulders and go about my day without any second thought of it.

One thing I have learned. If anything goes wrong in your life, it makes you feel better to blame Rex Ryan. Jets win (tries to scrub dirt off, can't scrub hard enough) 20-16.

Atlanta (2-7) at Tampa Bay (1-8)

The Falcons and Texans fanbases should play a pick up basketball game with the winner being awarded the Saddest Fan Base Of 2013 trophy.

Expectations for the Falcons was sky high this year and don't look now, but they have no more wins than our beloved Purple.

The Bucs are riding a high after their win against the controversy-maligned Dolphins. It would have been funny if the Bucs fired Shiano after his first win just to shake things up and further confuse their elderly fan base. I saw what a Mike Glennon looks like without a helmet on for the 1st time on Monday night and Jesus Christ! He looks like one of Santa's elves spawned with a Scandinavian farm hand. Falcons win 19-17.

Detroit (6-3) at Pittsburgh (3-6)

So Big Ben might be unhappy in the Steel City? Maybe what's really bothering Ben is the fact his second kid is on the way and his days of groping 4-out-of-10's are long gone. His rape scope is dusty and on the shelf. His hands aren't nearly as clammy as they used to be. He just isn't the same guy anymore. Sure, he's still a big tall idiot, but that's not unique! God, I'd want a change of scenery too. Stay the fuck out of Minnesota, Rapistberger! Lions win 27-17 and strengthen their hold on the NFC North lead. Nobody has had to write that sentence since 1991.

Washington (3-6) at Philadelphia (5-5)

The NFC East is pathetic and still very much up for grabs mainly because everyone in the division is marginal at best. I can't wait for the Cowboys to choke this division away in December, and that will happen. It doesn't really matter who comes out of the NFC East, they are going to be one and done.

Personally, I think it's going to be the Eagles, which may upset a certain great bulk buying mind I know, but hey, the truth hurts, I keep it real. Disregard the last sentence if you were at all confused by it. Also, frig off, ten people who read this column and didn't understand that. WE DON'T NEED YOU. Just kidding, I desperately need you, don't judge me IT'S JUST A COUPLE DRINKS OK?!?!? I HAVE CATS I'M NOT REALLY DRINKING ALONE! Eagles win 28-27.

Arizona (4-6) at Jacksonville (1-8) 

Could it be two in a row for the Jags? No, no it can't.

Worth noting: The Jaguars last 2 wins have come against the Titans though. Getting owned by the Jags hurts. 

The Cards defense is far to good to lose this game, and the Jags defense could make Scott Tolzien look like a decent QB. Larry Fitzgerald and Carson Palmer could probably win this game by themselves without an offensive line. I think the Jags got their only win of the year last week. Cards win easy 24-10.

Oakland (3-6) at Houston (2-7)

I kind of like this scrappy Raiders team. They aren't going to the playoffs or anything close, but they seem to be heading in a positive direction. They've been in most every game, some of them against quality teams. 

They run into a Texans team that is hungry for a win and starving for decent quarterback play. Detective Case Keenum can't seem to solve an NFL defense, or the mystery of the Central Park Strangler. You're about to ride the pine, Keenum! Texans pull out a win 16-13.

Baltimore (4-5) at Chicago (5-4)

Jay Cutler looked like an old man last week. Bum groin, bum ankle, bum brain, just BUM. He was obviously playing hurt and didn't get the win he so desperately wanted. I would bet Josh McCown starts this weekend and, going up against Joe Flacco, I actually like his chances.

The Ravens have struggled to string together multiple wins all year, and Flacco has looked pedestrian. Almost like they are still celebrating their championship from last year. Bears get the "W", 24-21.

Cleveland (4-5) at Cincinnati (6-4)

I really used up my reservoir of Ohio jokes the first time these two teams met. Amateur mistake. Can't blow the whole load at once, daddy might get called on again later. Yeah, shit just got weird.

The Bengals lost a game that the Ravens tried to give them a few different ways. Every time I see Marvin Lewis patrolling the Bengals sideline, I am, at first, fucking amazed, and second, impressed. He has held an icy, death-like grip on an often terrible franchise through all the bullshit, Chad Johnson Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Carson Palmer, Akili Smith...ok not Akili Smith but it sure seems like it! Good on you, Marv. Bengals win 26-20.

San Diego (4-5) at Miami (4-5)

Richie Incognito should have acted more like his name suggests. The Dolphins offensive line is in shambles and it was easily noticeable in their loss to the lowly Buccaneers. Tannehill was under constant pressure to produce, and not just by that wife of his. The result was about what you would expect, abject failure. Tannehill is a poor man's Phillip Rivers at best, and that isn't a great recipe for success. Chargers win one on the road, 23-16.

Green Bay (5-4) at New York Giants (3-6)

The only good news for the Packers is Clay Matthews doesn't have to wear that ridiculous club on his right hand that rendered him about as useful as you would expect a one-armed linebacker to be. Aaron Rodgers said he finally was able to sleep through the night. It's unknown if he was being woken up due to pain from his injury or from the Mike McCarthy sexually-based night terrors he has suffered from since being drafted. Eli and the Giants win a close one, 20-19.

San Francisco (6-3) at New Orleans (7-2)

The Niners could easily be looking at their second loss in a row if Colin Kaepernick can't find a way out of this sophomore slump he has been mired in ever since dominating the Packers in the opening week.

Drew Brees is definitely not a sophomore and not in any sort of slump. the man is five feet ten inches of unstoppable quarterbacking fury. What would the Dolphins be like today if they had went after Brees instead of Daunte Culpepper all those year ago? Ha ha, sorry to twist that old rusty knife Dolphins fans, but Christ, your team fucked that one up. Kaepernick can't find his stride, saints win 31-20.

Kansas City (9-0) at Denver (8-1)

The game of the week! Peyton Manning took a beating last weekend and got an MRI that came back negative for any type of personality.

Dwayne Bowe, on the other hand, now there's a guy with some edge to him. Bowe was picked up for littering and, littering and, littering and...SMOKING THE REEFER. A little pot. Big deal. Wait, it was how much pot? Damn Dwayne! Wassup big dog holler, at your boy!

Alex Smith is going to have to throw a couple passing touchdowns to hang with the Peytie Manny and well, he certainly is due for a multi-touchdown game. It's going to be a close one and fun to watch, I think Manning gets knocked around early and thrown off his game, but battles back in the 4th to get the "W". Broncos win 29-27.

New England (7-2) at Carolina (6-3)

That Panthers defense has been playing out of their minds ever since the Vikings game, their Front 7 in particular. Not to mention they have the best "guy that sounds like a horse" in the league, Captain Muderland. Annnd DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!!!

If Killa Cam can upstage Captain America on national TV, the Panthers will all but solidify their status as a legitimate threat to make some noise in the playoffs. I'm as shocked as anybody that Ron Rivera is finding success this season, but I don't think there is another team in the league where said success has so little to do with coaching. With the Panthers defense flying around like it is, you don't need the gameplan to be as sound as say, the Cleveland Browns do, to win a game. The Panthers hot streak keeps rolling and they win 20-17. 

That's it, folks. On to the main event!

 MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-7) at SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9-1)

The Vikings actually managed to win a game! The streets were rich with purple celebration after last Thursdays victory and the Vikings got to enjoy a long weekend off to rest up, relax, or get DWI's.

Christian Ponder played his best game of the year and got a little bit banged up in the process. With the long week to heal it looks as though young Mr. Ponder will wear a harness on his left shoulder and give it a go. Yipee. Hooray. WOO-FUCKING-HOO!

Now that I've got my excitement under control I think we're ready to look at some positive(s) and negatives from the game against Warshington. As always, the positive(s) first.

Positive(s):

-Litchfield's Own Jon Carlson!  After his 7 catch, 98 yard performance, Jon Carlson has officially become the most successful thing to ever come out of Litchfield. It only took him two and a half years to produce anything worthwhile for this team so let's all give him a nice pat on the back.

-Adrian Peterson  He is leading the league with 9 rushing touchdowns and really put the team on his back in the 4th quarter. He drained the clock with punishing runs, weakening the defense in the process. Without this guy on the team, the Vikings wouldn't have a single win, much less a gaudy TWO wins. The heart and soul of this team deserves a nod every week.

-Ponder  I begrudgingly add him to this list of positives even though he didn't finish the game, he showed a lot of heart and even a little personality. It was a nice change of pace from the tasteless box of mashed potatoes we usually get from Ponder. Now who knows, if Ponder plays the 4th quarter he might throw a pick six or do something else ridiculously Ponder-esque but we can't necessarily hold that against him. He played his first three solid quarters of football since last year. 

Negatives:

-Same Old Shit  The defense went into some type of zone prevent and was 6 yards away from completely crumbling once again. Erin Henderson got away with holding in the end zone which would have put the ball on the one yard line. This coaching staff does not handle late game situations well at all. What else is new?

-Leslie Frazier's Final-Minute Time Out  I will give him this, it was really fucking gutsy to call that time out. He was watching Washington march down the field with ease and he says his guys were gassed. OK, I believe you. If he takes that time out and the Redskins score on the next play, I don't think Leslie Frazier is the head coach for this game. An unconventional choice for sure, and all is well that ends well, but your goddamn defense should be playing in a scheme that gets a stop before the fucking goal line.

-Josh Freeman's Movember "Mustache"  I've seen thicker hair on a cancer patient. That pube-stache was so very disappointing. I'm just thankful that November is half over already.

Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:

Key #1:  Force Some Turnovers

Seattle is simply going to destroy time of possession unless the Vikings can get some fumble recoveries or interceptions. The Vikings need to average one take away a quarter and finish AT LEAST +2 in the take/give to even have a chance in this game. It would also help if Ponder threw for more than 60 yards this time around.

Key #2:  Score A Special Teams Touchdown

The Vikings need points from every unit if they are going to win. Cordarrelle Patterson or Marcus Sherels need to take a kickoff/punt to the house. Not only is it quick points, but provides a real spark and swings momentum to the Vikings side. This would also be a great game for the Vikings second defensive touchdown of the year so, if anybody wanted to make that happen, it'd be great.

Key #3:  Get Really Fucking Lucky

The Vikings are going to need every bounce to go their way in order to win. Every stupid penalty, missed field goal, dropped pass has to go in the Purple's favor. Aside from all that, the Vikings only need to play a perfect fucking game and they should be just fine.

Two Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1: Percy Harvin vs. His Old Squad

Percy last played an NFL game in Seattle ironically, as a member of the Vikings. We all remember that game. Ponder sucked, Percy blew up on Leslie on the sideline and he never took another snap in Purple. Harvin was traded to the Seahawks, and has yet to suit up for them while recovering from hip surgery.

As I predicted in my Vikings Season Preview, this would be Harvin's first game back (That's just about the only thing I predicted correctly in that preview). Well that prediction has come to fruition, and it adds a certain level of intrigue to what would normally be thought of as an easy NFL blowout.

One of the main reasons I think the Vikings have a chance in this one is because a lot of the guys on this team want to stick it to Percy. Spite and revenge are some great motivators. I guarantee all Ponder has been thinking about is out-performing Russell Wilson and showing Percy a thing or two. I think Percy's snaps will be limited in order to ease him back in, but if the Vikings showcase the tackling they did in the first half against Washington, Percy Harvin (and Marshawn Lynch) are going to do whatever they want. It should be interesting, I know I will be watching closely.

 Matchup #2:  Cordarrelle Patterson vs. Richard Sherman & Co.

The rookie is likely to get his 1st start in the NFL due to Jerome "Where's My Mirror" Simpson's arrest and I'm excited to see what he does with increased in-game snaps. I have high hopes for this kid, and I think we are looking at the Vikings future #1 wide receiver. If he can have a solid game against this defense, he can do it against anyone in the NFL. It's a tough first start for the rookie but I think he has a couple big plays on Sunday.

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week

Adrian Peterson, running back, YOUR Minnesota Vikings!

He went for 180 and two TD's last year in the same stadium and AP has had to listen to comparisons to Marshawn Lynch all week. AP will be out to prove just why he is the best back in football. 120 Yards/2TD. 

Final Takes

On paper, the Vikings are set to get absolutely destroyed by the Seahawks.

This game is going to have a high level of intensity, I think it's going to be closer than many people think, even into the 4th quarter.

The odds are stacked against our beloved Purple an I wouldn't be surprised if they lost by two TD's. I also wouldn't be surprised if they lost on a last second field goal/touchdown. I will however, be very surprised if the Vikings find a way to pull this one out.

Ponder plays better than his last trip to Seattle, but I don't think he finishes the game either. He is going to get hit often and I think one of those hits will knock him out of the contest. Vikings perform admirably, but fall short.

Final Score

Minnesota Vikings: 24
Seattle Seahawks:  27

There you have it, folks!  A tough loss for The Purple in Seattle.  Look on the bright side, though:  At least you don't live in Seattle.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin on a Sunday.  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

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