Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Super Bowl Sunday!

I catch the beat runnin' like Randy Moss...

Well hello once again, football fans!  Super Whore Bowl Sunday is finally upon us!

It's been a long season, but we're finally here.  After a week off for rest, we're honored to be joined by great football mind Michael Otto.  If you doubt his credentials, check the web for another pigskin prognosticator who picked the Vikings to finish 10-6.

This year's Super Bowl (as you may have heard) features the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens.  They are coached by two brothers separated by 15 months (Jim & John Harbaugh).  There's also a Vikings connection to this year's game, with the Ravens suiting up ex-Vikes Matt Birk & Bryant McKinnie and a certain greatest wide receiver ever suiting up for the 49ers, the one, the only, Randy Moss.

Mike's been reading his scouting reports and breaking down game film all in an attempt to predict how this year's game will play out.

So, Michael, thoughts?

Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

It's the Super Bowl, homeboy!  This is Ten & Six!

For the first time ever, the NFL will have blood brothers John & Jim Harbaugh facing off against each other's respective teams in the biggest football game of the year.  I think the Harbaugh Bros should switch sides before the game and see if anybody notices the difference.  Ray Lewis would be overheard muttering (through uncontrollable sobs), "That don't smell like our Harbaugh."

In another NFL first, Norv Turner and his brother Glorv Turner became the first brother tandem to run the train on Dan Snyder during Super Bowl weekend.

(Editor's Note: That may not be true.  Then again, Glorv is an enabler...)

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour has reached its conclusion.  Will he dance and cry off into the sunset?  Or will he be forced to ride home in the trunk of his buddy's car, head hung in shame, suit stained with the blood of his opponents?  Let's not forget, Ray already has a Super Bowl ring, while another aging former superstar on the other sideline, Randy Moss, does not.

Randy is trying to get his first ring and this might be his last chance to do it as a starting wide receiver.  I'll be rooting for Harbaugh West and Randy Moss come Sunday.  Ray Lewis and Haurbaugh East: you can't simply stab your way into everyone's heart.

Three Keys To A Ravens Victory:

Key #1: Force turnovers

You have to find a way to negate Colin Kaepernick's incredible athletic ability and the best way to do that is to force the kid into some mistakes.  He's essentially a rookie quarterback playing in the Super Bowl.  Even though he didn't show any nerves against the Falcons it's very possible he will have some jitters come Sunday.

If the Ravens can force a couple of interceptions or fumbles they'll be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy come Sunday night.

Key #2: Bend but don't break

The Niners are going to move the ball between the 20's, they simply have too many weapons not to.  If the Ravens defense can hold the Niners to field goals it will be much easier for Joe Flacco to take control of the game through long, methodical drives that end in touchdowns.

I don't think the Ravens can win a shootout against the Niners, so it will be important to keep the score relatively low in the early going.

Key #3: Feed the ball to Ray Rice

The Niners have lost games this year when their opponents play more physically and win the battle in the trenches.  The Ravens need to hand the ball to Ray Rice.  They need to throw it to him.  Pitch it, flick it, nip it, hit it!  All of it to "Ruh-Roh!" Ray Rice.

Boss the Niners Front 7 around a little, get them on their heels early in this game, and the tide will undoubtedly turn in the Ravens favor.

Three Keys To A Niners Victory:

Key #1: Unleash Colin Kaepernick!

The Niners have the most electrifying player in the NFL.  Harbaugh West needs to put the young man in a position to succeed based on his superior athletic ability.  There's no point in complicating things now.  A relatively simple offensive scheme coupled with Kaepernick's impressive size, speed, & downfield vision have got the Niners this far and you best the ride the horse that got you here.

Key #2: Spread the ball around

The Niners have the unique advantage of 5 solid options for running or receiving success on any given play.  Between Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, Vernon Davis and Frank Gore, one is bound to be open.  On the off chance they are all covered, Kaepernick can take off and burn you all by himself.

Very few teams can put 5 players on the field at the same time who must all be accounted for.  The Niners need to play to that strength to spread the Ravens defense out and keep them off balance.

Key #3: Perform a pagan ritual sacrifice before kickoff

The football gods must be satisfied!  Blood must be spilled!  Heads must be ceremoniously lopped off! Stick to the books and sacrifice the douche-iest current figure in all of sports.

Sorry, Joe Buck, but you had a good run.  You rode your father's coattails to the pinnacle of sports announcing and now we need that head.  Come over here and help me sharpen my machete, Joe.  We want that head to come off with one clean lop.

Lopping off Joe Buck's head on live TV will come in at #2 on the "Most Disgraceful Acts In Sports" list, right behind Randy Moss fake mooning the Lambeau crowd.  You made the scale, Joey, we're just trying to live by it.

If the Niners can successfully sacrifice Joe Buck during pre-game warm-ups it would go a long way toward their victory.

Three Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1: Randy Moss vs. Ed Reed & The Top Of The Defense (and the rest of the world)

Let's face it, it's always had the feeling of Randy vs. The World and he performs his best when he realizes that.  Randy Moss has always had a chip on his shoulder and he's never claimed to be a humble man when it comes to football.  Anyone who is "shocked" to hear Moss proclaim himself, "the greatest receiver of all time" hasn't followed Randy's career too closely.

Whether you think Randy Moss or Jerry Rice is the greatest of all time doesn't matter because there's only one of them playing on Sunday.  I'm truly going to enjoy watching what I consider the best wide receiver of all time running down the sideline stride-for-stride with Ed Reed, who, by the way, I consider to be the best safety of all time.

Matchup #2: Joe Flacco vs. "The Elite Club"

Flacco has stood on the doorstep of greatness for a couple of years now, yet has never gotten too far from the curb of failure.  The man has had to face constant doubt from pundits and fans, yet handled all of it in stride.  Such is the life of a good-but-not-great (yet) NFL quarterback.

If Flacco wins on Sunday he will have proven himself as elite, he will have silenced the haters, and finished this chapter in the NFL history books.

Matchup #3: The Battle Of Jimmy & Johnny Harbaugh

You can't talk about this Super Bowl matchup without talking about the Har-Bros facing off against each other.  This isn't just about bragging rights for the rest of their lives, but about bragging rights for generations to come!

Just think, 150 years from now Jim Harbaugh VII will be facing off against John Harbaugh VI on an episode of Maury over who is the father of little Barbella IV (Yes, Maury is still alive 150 years from now).  I can hear it now - "My daddy beat your daddy back in the day, so we all know I have the winning sperm!  That's my baby girl!"

(Also, yes, in an odd turn of events, would-be fathers actually want to be that babydaddy 150 years from now.  The future's a scary place, people.)

Yes, a lot is on the line in New Orleans on Sunday, least of all the Lombardi Trophy.  An entire generational lineage hangs in the balance, along with the rights to bang future societal outcast Barbella III and create the 4th coming of Barbella Christ Turner.  Errr.... Go Niners!

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week:

Pull your #84 jerseys out!  It's gonna be a fun ride!

I'm thinking Randy Moss adds a Super Bowl winning TD to his resume this weekend.

"Everone's wondering whether Moss gonna come out today.  Moss, are you gonna come out today?" 

Well Randy, you showed us all throughout your entire career just what your intentions were.  Calvin Johnson, Brandon Marshall, A.J. Green... they all follow the Moss model.  The man modernized how defenses play game-breaking wide receivers.  Hell, he created the game-breaking wide receiver.  The old man has one more big game in him.

Stat Line: 106 yards, 1 TD

Final Takes

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour is doomed.

If this were the Falcons or Packers I would say the Ravens probably win this game, but this Niners team is a monster and they are clicking on all cylinders.

Quite simply, there are very many different scenarios in which I can imagine the Niners winning this game.  There are very few scenarios in which I can picture a tearful Ray Lewis hoisting the Lombardi Trophy above his head one last time.

The Ravens will have to play a perfect game to win.  Are they capable of that?  Yes.

Will it happen?  No.

Final Score:

San Francisco 49ers: 31

Baltimore Ravens: 23

Well there you have it, football fans!  The 2012 NFL season ends with Randy Moss cradling the Lombardi Trophy!  One can only hope.

For more of Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry taking on the biggest stories of the week in our Trendsetting column.  He owns a #84 Vikings jersey.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog. 

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Conference Championship Weekend

If you gon' do it, do it just like this...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome to the penultimate week of NFL action!

It's Conference Championship Weekend!  Or, as it's known to Vikings fans, the weekend we get our hearts broken and fall back off the wagon.

This year, however, binge drinking came early for Vikings fans.  Among them, your host and great football mind Mike Otto.  Even though the Vikings season has been over for a couple weeks, Mike is still watching the NFL with a keen eye for the subtle advantages and a broad eye for potential jokes.

As such, Mike has compiled a 2-6 record for this year's playoffs.  That's pretty shabby.  Fortunately, what Mike lacks in postseason performance he makes up for with sheer, stubborn determination.  Aiming to get his record as close to .500 as possible, he's back to tell us how each team could punch their ticket this Sunday and which teams he thinks might actually get the job done.

Mikey, we realize this is traditionally a tough week for you, but we'll get through it together.  Thoughts?

Whew!  That was quite an exciting divisional round!

Pete Carroll's true colors (the color of failure?) finally shown through when he learned that you never ice the kicker.  It's a freaking Matt Bryant!  Always be on a Matt Bryant fucking up.

Russell Wilson is the real deal and, in my opinion, has done enough to take the Rookie Of The Year trophy away from Bob III and little Andy Lucky.

Peyton Manning had the 2nd words QB performance of the weekend, edging only Matt Schaub (who unquestionably regained his title as one of the "Worst Of The Best" NFL quarterbacks).

Matt Ryan may have saved Mike Smith's job with his final minute drive by taking full advantage of a Seahawks defense that, for some inexplicable reason, was blitzing.  Major fail all around for the Seahawks coaching staff in that final minute.

It all reminded me of the early 2000's Vikings play calling ineptitude... so many memories.  I wonder what Ramos McDonald is doing right now?

(Editor's Note: Mike lapses into this sentiment once or twice a week.  Frankly, he should probably just Google Ramos McDonald at some point.)

The "Ray Lewis Farewell Tour" moves on!  Who knows if Ray killed anyone?  Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, the point is he got away with it, and that's all that really matters in America.  It's not illegal unless you get caught!  Good for Ray.  O.J. made the mistake of committing his murders after his playing days, forfeiting the opportunity to run his way back into our hearts.

Ray had 17 tackles in the Ravens big win, so even though he might not be able to get sideline-to-sideline (or state-to-state in a trunk) like he could when he was young, the man still has game.

Colin Kaepernick was the best athlete on the field for any team last weekend.  The Packers had no answer for him and the Niners read-option offense.  Black Irish made the Packers defense look ugly, slow, and stupid for the majority of the game.  If the young QB had two more games like that one in him the Neners are going to be Super Bowl champs.

If you're wondering, former Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel's Divisional weekend highlights included watching Blade Runner and eating at the Taco John's off the interstate.

My picks went 1-3 again last week, leaving me at an ugly 2-6 for the playoffs after my 174-100-1 regular season performance.  Time to right the ship!  Let's make a couple picks!  And, just to change it up, let's make them winners!

(#2) San Francisco at (#1) Atlanta

Why the Niners could win:

They have the best pure athlete left in the playoffs with Captain Kaepernick.  This kid cn kill you with his cannon arm or his gazelle-like stride.

Michael Crabtree's stepped his game up to an All-Pro level ever since Kaepernick took over.

Frank Gore might be getting older, but he's still a bruiser who fights hard for every yard.

And don't forget Vernon Davis (whose production drastically dropped after the quarterback change), who I think is due for a big game.

Randy Moss wants a second chance at a Super Bowl win.  Never forget what he can do with the proper motivations.

The Falcons nearly crapped the bed last week and they seem to still have trouble closing teams out.

Why the Falcons could win:

The Dirty Birds have home-field advantage.

Matt Ryan seems to have finally gotten over his annual playoff choke-fest.  When he's playing confident football, watch out.  Matty Ice is easily one of the most cerebral QB's in the game and he's on the short list of guys who could pick apart the Niners secondary.

Doesn't football just kind of owe a Super Bowl trip to Tony Gonzalez?  I think so.

Mike Smith is a football icon, a bastion of knowledge and football intelligence in this league.... OK, just kidding about that last part.

Who I think takes it:

Colin Kaepernick is going to do some more of that bicep kissing in this one.  I just don't see enough speed on the Falcons defense to hang with Captain Kaepernick.

Matt Ryan is good, but he's not a dual threat.  The Falcons run game overall is hit or miss.

Just too much to overcome for the Falcons one week after barely escaping with a win against the Seahawks.  Niners win 31-23.

(#4) Baltimore at (#2) New England

Why the Ravens could win:

I underestimated the emotional boost this squad is getting from Ray Lewis.

The Ravens deserved to win that game against the Broncos last week and actually made Peyton Manning look average at times.  If you can fluster Peyton, you might have a chance at rattling Tom Brady's cage.  Ruffle his feathers!  Steal his Man Uggs!  Do whatever it takes to get that little bitch shakin' in his gender-neutral boots.

The Ravens were one terrible touchdown drop (shout out to Lee Evans!) away from beating the Patriots and punching their ticket to the Super Bowl last year.  There's no reason to think they can't take the final step this year.

Joe Flacco is playing well right now and he is they main reason they beat Peyton.  If he can match Tom Brady's offensive output on Sunday the Ravens will win.

Why the Patriots could win:

It's Tom Brady and Bill Belichick in the playoffs.  They are both attention craving monsters.  They have an insatiable hunger that can only be quelled with Super Bowl championships.  It's just hard to bet against two madmen so obsessed with greatness that they have done (and continue to do) anything to win.

I generally dislike the Patriots, but I think Brady wants this one bad.  He sees it, it's right there for him.  He may be a pussy, but he's the best quarterback in the league.

Who I think takes it:

As excited as I am about the possibility of a Harbaugh Bowl, I just don't see the Ravens pulling this out.  Tom Brady has the Ravens defense's number and that is going to be too much for Joe Flacco and Rice Ray to counter.

(Editor's Note: Yup, "Rice Ray.")

Turn back the clock 5 years on Ed Reed & Ray Lewis and the Ravens win this game.  The boys are going to be a step slow on Sunday and it's going to cost them.

Ravens will keep it close all game, but the Patriots will edge them in the end 34-27

Don't worry, Ravens or Falcons fans.  After all, I am 2-6 in these playoffs, so your squads will probably win this weekend.  Good luck to all!! The Packers are DEAD!!  WOOOOOO!!!!

There you have it, folks, "Wooooo!!!!"  Strong words.  Strong words from a strange man.

For more of Mike Otto's commentary on the NFL and pseudo-upscale Lyndale eateries, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  We promise, something's always winding him up.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free and legitimate way to support the blog.  We can't go state-to-state like we used to either.

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Divisional Playoffs Weekend

So here we are again...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!

Sadly, their will be no Vikings coverage for the next few weeks.  Unless, of course, someone gets arrested or annuls a marriage.  That doesn't mean Mike Otto isn'st still thinking thoughts.  Football thoughts.

So, we press on, purple or no purple.

Mike, what are we looking for this weekend?

Welcome back to Ten & Six!

The Vikings' season came to an unceremonious end last weekend and even though it was a great year, I can't help but think there could have been more.  Christian Ponder's badly bruised elbow/tricep prevented him from playing, leaving backup QB Joe Webb completely overwhelmed.

Joe Webb is one heck of an athlete, no doubt about that, but his accuracy and pocket presence as a passer is downright pathetic.  At least all the, "Why isn't Joe Webb starting?" people got an answer to their question.  At this point he is nowhere near a starting quarterback in the NFL.

Now, do I think the Vikings win that game if Christian Ponder starts?  Probably not, but it would have been close until the end.

I will completely break down the Vikings season after the Super Bowl, but for now I'm going ot try to improve on that 1-3 playoff record from last weekend. 1-3? Yuck!

(#4) Baltimore at (#1) Denver

Why the Ravens could win:

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour!  His teammates want to give him a goodbye ring.

The Broncos played in a garbage division all year and didn't have to play good teams on a consistent basis.

Really, that's about it.  No real reasons Joe Flacco can win this game.

Why the Broncos could win:

They have the Peytie Manny.

They have one of the most complete defenses in football.

Joe Flacco will fuck this up.  One playoff win per year is pretty much his limit.

Who I think takes it:

Too much going against the Ravens in this one.  I think Peytie is going to take the Broncos to the Super Bowl this year.  This game is only close for two quarters.  Broncos win 27-13.

(#3) Green Bay at (#2) San Francisco

Why the Packers could win:

Colin Kaepernick could have the jitters.  Two months ago he was the backup quarterback.  Now he's going to start a playoff game with everything on the line.

The also have playoff-tested Aaron Rodgers, and one thing's for sure, he won't be cracking under the pressure Saturday night.

Why the 49ers could win:

Their defense is big and physical.  When they get rolling... wooo boy!  Watch out!

They have the power of Moss on their side.  We all know how much Randy loves sticking it to the Pack.

Dear Randy, 

Make every sad Vikings fan's day, get your first two touchdown game since 2009 and knock the Pack out!  For 'Sota!

Love always,

Spiteful, bitter Vikings fans everywhere.

Who I think takes it:

It's all going to come down to how Colin Kaepernick performs.  If the kid can handle the pressure, it's curtains for the Packers.  Unfortunately, I see this moment being a little too big for the young QB.

Close game throughout, but Aaron Rodgers ices it in the 4th with on of those Aaron Rodgers-type drives that leaves a good defense looking pedestrian.  Packers win 31-24.  Fuck.

 (#5) Seattle at (#1) Atlanta

Why the Seahawks could win:

It's Matt Ryan.  It's a divisional playoff game at home.  Sound familiar?

The Falcons never convinced me of their toughness this year and, compared to the physicality of the Seahawks, they look downright soft.

The Seahawks have a much better running game and Russell Wilson has proven time and again he can handle big spots.

The Seahawks have a ton of momentum built up and will be facing a team that has been resting for two weeks.  The Falcons may have trouble matching the Seahawks intensity out of the gate.

Why the Falcons could win:

They have Roddy White and Julio Jones, arguably the best wide receiver tandem in the league.

Matt Ryan knows all the questions that arise if he loses this game.  He should be playing like his career is on the line (even though it isn't).

Who I think takes it:

Defense wins championships!  The Seahawks don't have a single weak link in theirs.

Russell Wilson just keeps getting better.  If last year's draft was held again today Wilson would be a top 5 pick.

Seahawks win the bird battle 26-24.

(#3) Houston at (#2) New England

Why the Texans could win:

Jesus loves Texas?  Good god, I don't know!

I honestly sat for 10 minutes trying to come up with a real reason the Texans could pull this out and finally just accepted the fact that they're going to need a miracle.

Why the Patriots could win:

Belichik.  Brady.  Cocksborough.  Enough said?

The Texans offense looked terribly out of sync against the Bengals and, as good as J.J. Watt is, he's not going to win this game by himself.

Arian Foster has had some good numbers, but he's also looked a little plodding and pedestrian.

Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, and Foster would all have to play the game of their lives to hang with Brady & Co.

Who I think takes it:

I just don't see any way the Texans beat Tom Brady in his own backyard this weekend.  I mean, anything can happen in football, but it's going to take 3 touchdowns from J.J. Watt ot even make this close.  Patriots win 35-20

There you have it, football fans!  The march to the Super Whore continues!

As always, a big thanks to Mike for stopping by to drop some knowledge bombs.  Be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters) for more commentary this weekend.  Expect lots of pro-Moss, anti-Pack ranting and raving.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  It may seem trivial, but stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.