I know, I know, I look better in
real life...
Well hello again everybody! Welcome
to the eighth installment of Trendsetting!
For those of you who don't know
quite what you're looking at, here's the scoop: Each week we scan
the newspaper and internet for news stories that are trending both
here in Minnesota and around the world. Once we come up with ten
stories we send them off to Mike & Travis and ask them to give us
their thoughts on the stories.
Since it's been a couple of weeks
since the last edition of Trendsetting we thought we'd break out a
special deluxe 15 topic edition this time around.
As always, Mike & Travis have
not read each other's comments prior to posting.
So, Mikey, Droogsy... It was another
crazy week out there. What do ya think?
01.
In Hastings, Minnesota a two year old is found walking the street alone double-fisting Mike's
Hard Lemonade
Mike Otto:
And
a new "Parent Of The Year" candidate enters the arena!
The
father in question, Robert Rasset, called the police to report a
missing child 3 hours after his 2 year old son was found wandering
the streets of Hastings barefoot getting his swerve on with 2 bottles
of Mike's Hard Lemonade in hand. Authorities arrived at Mr. Rasset's
residence only to find a intoxicated, belligerent, poor man's Jack
Nicholson who claimed he hadn't had a drink in 2 years despite 3
recent DWI convictions on record. He was charged with child neglect
but really should have been charged with raising a little bitch.
I
mean come on bro, you got your little dude on Mike's Hard Lemonade?
Better get him off that shit and onto the rye before pre-school or
he's gonna be a fuckin' joke at little Timmy's annual new years
rager. You think your boy is gonna get any play from the ladies with
a goddamn Mike's in his hand? Fuckin' up bro.
The
child was returned to his mother's residence, where he threw up all
over the living room, claiming to have eaten some bad sushi the night
before.
TCDroogsma:
Much like Mr. Rasset's son, I spent two years of my life living in
Hastings. Let me tell ya, this kid's well ahead of the curve.
02.
Judge approves over the counter sale of Plan B pill to women of all
ages
Mike:
Being
someone who has had to take the morning after pill at least once a
week for about 8 years now I fully support this.
TCDroogsma:
And I still can't buy beer on a Sunday. What a world.
03. Target
apologizes for plus-size dresses labeled “Manatee Gray.”
Mike:
God some fat people are sensitive. Maybe you should mix in a salad
before your only dress option is "Beluga Whale White."
TCDroogsma:
Unfortunately for Target this gaffe will prove costly as they'll
have to revamp their whole plus-size line. In addition to “Manatee
Gray” they're being forced to recall garments labeled “The Funny
One Orange,” “She Has A Great Personality Red,” and “Seriously
Though, Gym Memberships Are Actually Pretty Reasonably Priced Black.”
04. In an effort to make peace with their country's history, Germans can now visit the controversial exhibit "Jew In A Box" at The Jewish Museum in Berlin. Patrons are able to ask the Jewish person questions about his or her people's life & history
Mike:
Ahhhh Germany, my homeland, my heritage, you have really outdone
yourself with this one.
For one day a week through August, The Jewish Museum in Germany will
present a Jewish man in a glass box who answers any questions my
German brethren can imagine. "Are there any Jews in Germany?"
"Where did all the Jews go?" "Why did all the Jews
leave?"... and so on and so forth.
Museum official Tina Luedecke said the exhibit, which has been met
with criticism from many prominent Jews, "is a great
opportunity, many Germans don't know any Jews and have questions they
want to ask" because you know, going to a synagogue and talking
to a Rabbi would just be weird.
TCDroogsma:
So far the test runs of the exhibit have proven to be failures, as nearly all questions asked
of the Jewish person were met with further questions such as, “What?
More questions?” and “Oi! Again with the questions?” and,
“Does it seem hot to you? Is it hot in here? Could anybody turn
down the thermostat? It's not just me, right? It's hot to you too,
no?”
05. Doctors are growing concerned about "Drunkorexia," a growing diet among college kids that involves skipping meals, exercising to the point of exhaustion, and binge drinking.
Mike:
It's the newest diet trend to hit America! Eating right and daily
exercise? Fuck that! Let's just starve ourselves and drink 'til we
puke!
In a recent survey of 22,000 college students, it was discovered that
students who were binge dieting were much more likely to consume 4-5
drinks in one sitting, to which I say, step it up. 4-5 drinks? You
think that's enough to get you to throw up that half a bagel you had
this morning? You really aren't committed to being thin and pretty
are you? NEXTTTT.
TCDroogsma:
College students who have adopted this “Drunkorexia” approach to
weight loss have said to very happy with the results. No, they
haven't lost any weight, but by bar close they've lowered their
standards significantly and just don't care anymore.
06. PETA asks
Queen Elizabeth put a halt to the English tradition of racing pigeons across the English Channel.
Mike:
I had no idea pigeon racing was a thing. You crazy Limeys!!
Elizabeth, you better hope Mike Tyson doesn't get wind of your pigeon
based-atrocities. He may be old and fat but I'm pretty sure he's not
above punching a Grandma such as yourself.
TCDroogsma:
"We're gravely concerned about the well-being of these pigeons," said one French PETA member. "We can only hope that the Queen uses her influence to put an end to this cruel and inhumane practice. Each year thousands of these pigeons descend on the French mainland and each year we prepare terms of surrender as a force of habit. It's a tremendous waste of our 18 hour work week."
The French PETA member then quickly changed direction. "Of course, if the Queen refuses to to halt the race, I, for one, will welcome our new pigeon overlords. As they've hopefully noticed, we've spent centuries building monuments that are just yearning to be covered in bird feces. Plus, here in France, nobody would complain about the odor." The spokesman then slipped on a beret, lit a filter-less cigarette, and drank deeply from a bottle of red wine, I would imagine.
07.
Minnesota-based grocery chain Super-Valu lays of 600 employees, many
of whom worked in middle management.
Mike:
There goes the economy. Having been in a Super-Valu several times in
my life I was surprised to learn they ever had any sort of management
at all.
TCDroogsma:
This is great news for the upper management at Super-Valu, who have
been patiently biding their time until the day they could rule the
Super-Valu working class with an iron fist.
08. Human Rights Campaign changes traditional equal sign to pink equal sign in support of
gay marriage.
Mike:
Nothing like some great keyboard activism to change the world. You're
all making a difference. Especially those of you who changed your
profile picture to the bacon strip equal sign. Great work guys. I
mean, we all know that if your love for bacon is equal to your
passion for equality of all people, you are REALLY invested in this
whole gay rights thing. "Bacon is delicious and so is gay rights
and I'm really quirky so yah this is perfect!" Fuck's sakes...
TCDroogsma:
It was really only a matter of time before the meme-wielding youth of this country made their, um "voices" heard.. But just be patient, everybody. If
changing your Facebook profile picture didn't have the desired effect
this time around, in another three years you can vote Obama out of
office. I'm sure President Angry Cat & Vice President George
Takei will be much more receptive to your tactics.
09. North Korea
pulls its workers from a joint North Korea/South Korea industrial
complex
Mike:
Real tenuous situation developing on the other side of the world
right now. I do not envy the decisions that may face President Obama
in the coming months. Dennis Rodman couldn't solve this and all hope
for a peaceful resolution seems to be fading.
Honestly, if I'm Obama I ask Jordan and Pippen to go try to talk some
sense into Kim Jong Un before its too late. Nothing else is gonna
work right?. Imagine that. Air Jordan: 6 rings, 1 averted world war.
No big deal.
TCDroogsma:
Brilliant move by Kim Jong-Un here. Nothing galvanizes the masses
behind your insane plans like taking away their only means of
providing for their family.
Seriously, get this guy a copy of Brave New World. You need
to keep the proletariat occupied and content that way your
megalomania isn't met with any resistance. Christ, I flunked out of
three colleges and even I know that. Fuckin' amateur hour, bud.
10. The Gophers
hire Richard Pitino as new head coach of the men's basketball team.
Mike:
Dicky P. is our guy! Little Dicky P. said this was his “dream job”
and he “wants to retire here." You should probably abandon
that thought right now. Do yourself a favor Dicky, just rent a condo
and don't get too comfortable.
TCDroogsma:
Norwood Teague fired Tubby Smith & brought in Richard Pitino to coach the basketball team. After doing some research I discovered that Teague's great-grandparents spent their last hours on Earth changing seats on the Titanic.
11. The Twins
officially open their 2013 season.
Mike:
...Aaaaaand the Twins have been mathematically eliminated from the
playoffs.
TCDroogsma:
You know who I'm really excited to see in a Twins uniform? VANCE
WORLEY Yes sir, that VANCE WORLEY is going to be the
anchor of this rotation for years to come. Oh, you're NOT
familiar with VANCE WORLEY? Maybe, NOT now, but when you get
a minute, you should google VANCE WORLEY. NOT that I'm
trying to take up all your time, but to NOT google VANCE
WORLEY would be a real mistake.
Ugh... I feel dirty.
12. President
Obama signs Monsanto Protection Act into law.
Mike:
Sneaky old Monsanto snuck this into a bill with a bunch of other
legislation. Half of Congress had no idea the Monsanto Protection Act
was even in the bill they passed, which, you know, seems like an
incredible failure of the system AND our congress people, but hey,
what else is new?
Democrats will tell you Obama's "hands were tied" once the
bill got to his desk, which is a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. You
the President, dawg! Veto power bitches!
Won't lie, this one is just one more massive disappoint and failure
of our government to control massively powerful corporations. In
politics, money talks and unfortunately, for the time being, Monsanto
has Scrooge McDuck money. That's right, Duck Tales bitches.
TCDroogsma:
So President Obama passed legislation that protects Monsanto. The
same Monsanto that is taking over the farming world via
genetically-modified crops. I can't see how Obama signs off on this.
I mean, GMO's are untested, aesthetically-pleasing yet devoid of any
real substance, and are being used to ruin small, family-run farms
via legal action and red tape. Nope. Can't see how Obama thought
this was OK at all.
13. Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher dies
Mike:
Don't really care one way or the other. Celebrating any death just
seems immature, unless its David Bowie's. I'll be leading that
parade.
TCDroogsma:
Many Americans struggle to understand the role of Margaret Thatcher until being told that she was a peer of Ronald Reagan, which Americans take to mean that idiotic teenage punk kids in England still write angry songs about Thatcher even though they were born in 1997.
14. Louisville
defeats Michigan to win the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament
Mike:
When do the Gophers play?
TCDroogsma:
Louisville's dramatic, come-from-behind victory over Michigan proved to be just the ratings boon CBS had hoped for when they agreed to start covering the Special Olympics. "It was a lot of work to get everybody on the same page," one CBS exec said, "but once we cleaned all the juice stains off (Michigan head coach) John Beilein's shirt and convinced (Louisville head coach) Rick Pitino to quit playing with himself I think the kids put on a hell of a show. They're the real heroes."
15. Famed film
critic Roger Ebert dies
Mike:
When Ebert gets to the pearly gates he will be undoubtedly hoping for
two thumbs up... Yeah, I know, that's bad.
TCDroogsma:
Ebert thought his chances of getting into heaven were pretty solid.
He was a good man, a good husband, beloved by many, & universally
respected. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was surprised when St. Peter told him that he would not be allowed entrance. "I've lived the best life I could. I've been kind, humble, thankful... I just don't understand." Ebert said. "I'm sorry," St. Peter replied, "but you gave Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samurai a thumbs down rating. Turns out Jesus is a huuugggge Forest Whitaker fan. I know, I can't explain it either."
There you have
it, folks! Another crazy week put into perspective!
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Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Or
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If you give him a follow in real life you'll be surprised how much he
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