Trendsetting #8: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

I know, I know, I look better in real life...

Well hello again everybody! Welcome to the eighth installment of Trendsetting!

For those of you who don't know quite what you're looking at, here's the scoop: Each week we scan the newspaper and internet for news stories that are trending both here in Minnesota and around the world. Once we come up with ten stories we send them off to Mike & Travis and ask them to give us their thoughts on the stories.

Since it's been a couple of weeks since the last edition of Trendsetting we thought we'd break out a special deluxe 15 topic edition this time around.

As always, Mike & Travis have not read each other's comments prior to posting.

So, Mikey, Droogsy... It was another crazy week out there. What do ya think?

01. In Hastings, Minnesota a two year old is found walking the street alone double-fisting Mike's Hard Lemonade

Mike Otto:

     And a new "Parent Of The Year" candidate enters the arena!

     The father in question, Robert Rasset, called the police to report a missing child 3 hours after his 2 year old son was found wandering the streets of Hastings barefoot getting his swerve on with 2 bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade in hand. Authorities arrived at Mr. Rasset's residence only to find a intoxicated, belligerent, poor man's Jack Nicholson who claimed he hadn't had a drink in 2 years despite 3 recent DWI convictions on record. He was charged with child neglect but really should have been charged with raising a little bitch.

     I mean come on bro, you got your little dude on Mike's Hard Lemonade? Better get him off that shit and onto the rye before pre-school or he's gonna be a fuckin' joke at little Timmy's annual new years rager. You think your boy is gonna get any play from the ladies with a goddamn Mike's in his hand? Fuckin' up bro.

     The child was returned to his mother's residence, where he threw up all over the living room, claiming to have eaten some bad sushi the night before.

TCDroogsma:

      Much like Mr. Rasset's son, I spent two years of my life living in Hastings. Let me tell ya, this kid's well ahead of the curve.

02. Judge approves over the counter sale of Plan B pill to women of all ages

Mike:

     Being someone who has had to take the morning after pill at least once a week for about 8 years now I fully support this.

TCDroogsma:

      And I still can't buy beer on a Sunday. What a world.

03. Target apologizes for plus-size dresses labeled “Manatee Gray.”

Mike:

      God some fat people are sensitive. Maybe you should mix in a salad before your only dress option is "Beluga Whale White."

TCDroogsma:

      Unfortunately for Target this gaffe will prove costly as they'll have to revamp their whole plus-size line. In addition to “Manatee Gray” they're being forced to recall garments labeled “The Funny One Orange,” “She Has A Great Personality Red,” and “Seriously Though, Gym Memberships Are Actually Pretty Reasonably Priced Black.”

04. In an effort to make peace with their country's history, Germans can now visit the controversial exhibit "Jew In A Box" at The Jewish Museum in Berlin.  Patrons are able to ask the Jewish person questions about his or her people's life & history

Mike:

      Ahhhh Germany, my homeland, my heritage, you have really outdone yourself with this one.

      For one day a week through August, The Jewish Museum in Germany will present a Jewish man in a glass box who answers any questions my German brethren can imagine. "Are there any Jews in Germany?" "Where did all the Jews go?" "Why did all the Jews leave?"... and so on and so forth.

      Museum official Tina Luedecke said the exhibit, which has been met with criticism from many prominent Jews, "is a great opportunity, many Germans don't know any Jews and have questions they want to ask" because you know, going to a synagogue and talking to a Rabbi would just be weird.

TCDroogsma:

      So far the test runs of the exhibit have proven to be failures, as nearly all questions asked of the Jewish person were met with further questions such as, “What? More questions?” and “Oi! Again with the questions?” and, “Does it seem hot to you? Is it hot in here? Could anybody turn down the thermostat? It's not just me, right? It's hot to you too, no?”

05. Doctors are growing concerned about "Drunkorexia," a growing diet among college kids that involves skipping meals, exercising to the point of exhaustion, and binge drinking.

Mike:

      It's the newest diet trend to hit America! Eating right and daily exercise? Fuck that! Let's just starve ourselves and drink 'til we puke!

      In a recent survey of 22,000 college students, it was discovered that students who were binge dieting were much more likely to consume 4-5 drinks in one sitting, to which I say, step it up. 4-5 drinks? You think that's enough to get you to throw up that half a bagel you had this morning? You really aren't committed to being thin and pretty are you? NEXTTTT.

TCDroogsma:

      College students who have adopted this “Drunkorexia” approach to weight loss have said to very happy with the results. No, they haven't lost any weight, but by bar close they've lowered their standards significantly and just don't care anymore.

06. PETA asks Queen Elizabeth put a halt to the English tradition of racing pigeons across the English Channel.

Mike:

      I had no idea pigeon racing was a thing. You crazy Limeys!! Elizabeth, you better hope Mike Tyson doesn't get wind of your pigeon based-atrocities. He may be old and fat but I'm pretty sure he's not above punching a Grandma such as yourself.

TCDroogsma:

     "We're gravely concerned about the well-being of these pigeons," said one French PETA member.  "We can only hope that the Queen uses her influence to put an end to this cruel and inhumane practice.  Each year thousands of these pigeons descend on the French mainland and each year we prepare terms of surrender as a force of habit.  It's a tremendous waste of our 18 hour work week."

     The French PETA member then quickly changed direction.  "Of course, if the Queen refuses to to halt the race, I, for one, will welcome our new pigeon overlords.  As they've hopefully noticed, we've spent centuries building monuments that are just yearning to be covered in bird feces.  Plus, here in France, nobody would complain about the odor."  The spokesman then slipped on a beret, lit a filter-less cigarette, and drank deeply from a bottle of red wine, I would imagine.

07. Minnesota-based grocery chain Super-Valu lays of 600 employees, many of whom worked in middle management.

Mike:

      There goes the economy. Having been in a Super-Valu several times in my life I was surprised to learn they ever had any sort of management at all.

TCDroogsma:

      This is great news for the upper management at Super-Valu, who have been patiently biding their time until the day they could rule the Super-Valu working class with an iron fist.

08. Human Rights Campaign changes traditional equal sign to pink equal sign in support of gay marriage.

Mike:

      Nothing like some great keyboard activism to change the world. You're all making a difference. Especially those of you who changed your profile picture to the bacon strip equal sign. Great work guys. I mean, we all know that if your love for bacon is equal to your passion for equality of all people, you are REALLY invested in this whole gay rights thing. "Bacon is delicious and so is gay rights and I'm really quirky so yah this is perfect!" Fuck's sakes...

TCDroogsma:

      It was really only a matter of time before the meme-wielding youth of this country made their, um "voices" heard.. But just be patient, everybody. If changing your Facebook profile picture didn't have the desired effect this time around, in another three years you can vote Obama out of office. I'm sure President Angry Cat & Vice President George Takei will be much more receptive to your tactics.

09. North Korea pulls its workers from a joint North Korea/South Korea industrial complex

Mike:

      Real tenuous situation developing on the other side of the world right now. I do not envy the decisions that may face President Obama in the coming months. Dennis Rodman couldn't solve this and all hope for a peaceful resolution seems to be fading.

      Honestly, if I'm Obama I ask Jordan and Pippen to go try to talk some sense into Kim Jong Un before its too late. Nothing else is gonna work right?. Imagine that. Air Jordan: 6 rings, 1 averted world war. No big deal.

TCDroogsma:

      Brilliant move by Kim Jong-Un here. Nothing galvanizes the masses behind your insane plans like taking away their only means of providing for their family.

      Seriously, get this guy a copy of Brave New World. You need to keep the proletariat occupied and content that way your megalomania isn't met with any resistance. Christ, I flunked out of three colleges and even I know that. Fuckin' amateur hour, bud.

10. The Gophers hire Richard Pitino as new head coach of the men's basketball team.

Mike:

      Dicky P. is our guy! Little Dicky P. said this was his “dream job” and he “wants to retire here." You should probably abandon that thought right now. Do yourself a favor Dicky, just rent a condo and don't get too comfortable.

TCDroogsma:

      Norwood Teague fired Tubby Smith & brought in Richard Pitino to coach the basketball team.  After doing some research I discovered that Teague's great-grandparents spent their last hours on Earth changing seats on the Titanic.

11. The Twins officially open their 2013 season.

Mike:

      ...Aaaaaand the Twins have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

TCDroogsma:

      You know who I'm really excited to see in a Twins uniform? VANCE WORLEY Yes sir, that VANCE WORLEY is going to be the anchor of this rotation for years to come. Oh, you're NOT familiar with VANCE WORLEY? Maybe, NOT now, but when you get a minute, you should google VANCE WORLEY. NOT that I'm trying to take up all your time, but to NOT google VANCE WORLEY would be a real mistake.

      Ugh... I feel dirty.

12. President Obama signs Monsanto Protection Act into law.

Mike:

      Sneaky old Monsanto snuck this into a bill with a bunch of other legislation. Half of Congress had no idea the Monsanto Protection Act was even in the bill they passed, which, you know, seems like an incredible failure of the system AND our congress people, but hey, what else is new?

      Democrats will tell you Obama's "hands were tied" once the bill got to his desk, which is a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. You the President, dawg! Veto power bitches!

      Won't lie, this one is just one more massive disappoint and failure of our government to control massively powerful corporations. In politics, money talks and unfortunately, for the time being, Monsanto has Scrooge McDuck money. That's right, Duck Tales bitches.

TCDroogsma:

      So President Obama passed legislation that protects Monsanto. The same Monsanto that is taking over the farming world via genetically-modified crops. I can't see how Obama signs off on this. I mean, GMO's are untested, aesthetically-pleasing yet devoid of any real substance, and are being used to ruin small, family-run farms via legal action and red tape. Nope. Can't see how Obama thought this was OK at all.

13. Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher dies

Mike:

      Don't really care one way or the other. Celebrating any death just seems immature, unless its David Bowie's. I'll be leading that parade.

TCDroogsma:

     Many Americans struggle to understand the role of Margaret Thatcher until being told that she was a peer of Ronald Reagan, which Americans take to mean that idiotic teenage punk kids in England still write angry songs about Thatcher even though they were born in 1997.

14. Louisville defeats Michigan to win the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament

Mike:

      When do the Gophers play?

TCDroogsma:

      Louisville's dramatic, come-from-behind victory over Michigan proved to be just the ratings boon CBS had hoped for when they agreed to start covering the Special Olympics.  "It was a lot of work to get everybody on the same page," one CBS exec said,  "but once we cleaned all the juice stains off (Michigan head coach) John Beilein's shirt and convinced (Louisville head coach) Rick Pitino to quit playing with himself I think the kids put on a hell of a show.  They're the real heroes."

15. Famed film critic Roger Ebert dies

Mike:

      When Ebert gets to the pearly gates he will be undoubtedly hoping for two thumbs up... Yeah, I know, that's bad.

TCDroogsma:

      Ebert thought his chances of getting into heaven were pretty solid. He was a good man, a good husband, beloved by many, & universally respected. When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was surprised when St. Peter told him that he would not be allowed entrance.  "I've lived the best life I could.  I've been kind, humble, thankful... I just don't understand."  Ebert said.  "I'm sorry," St. Peter replied, "but you gave Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samurai a thumbs down rating.  Turns out Jesus is a huuugggge Forest Whitaker fan.  I know, I can't explain it either."

There you have it, folks! Another crazy week put into perspective!

For more Mike Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Or just give him a follow in real life. Trailing him for a day can be a real adventure.

For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma). If you give him a follow in real life you'll be surprised how much he sleeps.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a “Like” is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Trendsetting #7: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

I'll come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5...

Well hello again, everybody!  Welcome back to Trendsetting!

We're thrilled that you've decided to stop on by.  As you may have noticed, Trendsetting took a couple of weeks off.  Mike Otto has been busy breaking down the Vikings many offseason moves right here on Newest Industry.  TCDroogsma has been busy recording podcasts and maintaining his Minnesota Wild blog Wildly Biased Observations. Fortunately, they're both back and they've got a thing or two to say about a thing or two.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Trendsetting format, here's what you're looking at.  Each week we gather up 10 of the trending news topics from Minnesota and around the world.  We then take those ten topics and send them off to Mike and Travis and have them give us their takes on the events.

As always, neither Mike nor Travis has seen what the other has written prior to this posting.

So, guys... It's been another crazy week out there.  What'd you think?

01. Catholics around the world celebrated the election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who then took the name Pope Francis.  Francis is the first Pope elected from the Americas.

Mike Otto:

     The world rejoices at the choice of Pope Francis aka "Pope Everyman". He gives to the poor! He rides the bus to work! He was in love as a young man but rejected by the apple of his eye! Shit. This guy might be my uncle.

     15 years from now Pope Tommy from Cleveland will take the "Pope Everyman" image to a new level when he makes it OK to bring any outside food or drink into movie theaters around the world. Cleveland in the house!

TCDroogsma:

     While Catholics around the world were excited at the selection of Bergoglio, that new-Pope sheen wore off quickly thanks to his initial address to members of the church:

     "The name's Jorge, but everybody calls me Francis.  Any of you guys calls me Jorge, I'll kill ya. And I don't like nobody touching my pope stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my pope stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you."

     The speech baffled much of the constituency, but saw Francis' popularity skyrocket among the anti-gay community and hipsters who won't shut the fuck up about how great Bill Murray films are.

02. After falling to Florida in the second round of the NCAA tournament, the Gophers decide to fire head men's basketball coach Tubby Smith.

Mike Otto:

     No way, the Gophers lost?

     No way, they parted ways with a coach who had gotten them farther than they have in the last decade?

     No way, the U of M now owes millions to a fourth coach who no longer works for the school?

     None of this adds up. U of M athletics has always been such a well-oiled machine, a pillar of the community and the pride of all alumni. This makes no sense to me. I mean its not like the U of M is in the business of losing money....

TCDroogsma:

     While discussing the firing with the media, Smith lamented the fact that he failed to achieve his goals at the U, but is excited to finally have time to work on other things:

     "Oh sure, I'm disappointed, but I finally have time for me.  I'm at least a season behind on Two Broke Girls, I haven't shoveled my sidewalk in about four years, I'd like to take a microwave cookery class, I'm sure there's a bunch of hot new stuff on Brazzers, I'm going to spend a lot of time reading the Harry Potter novels, and my car could use a good wash.  You know, it may not sound like much, but all of these things are infinitely more compelling than any college basketball game ever played.  Now where's my fucking money?"

03. The University Of Minnesota also announced this week that they somehow managed to lose $15,000 selling alcohol at TCF Bank Stadium during the last football season.

Mike Otto:

     So what the Gophers lost fifteen grand adding booze concessions at TCF bank stadium? It's not easy to sell booze to our laid back, calm, passive U of M students. Everyone knows these kids simply aren't interested in drinking, not to mention most of them aren't 21 yet, and, I mean, that would just be illegal! Its not like any of these kids have the fake ID's necessary to purchase alcohol before they are 21. Our kids respect authority AND the rules that govern society.

TCDroogsma:

     Meanwhile, over at the Kappa Beta Kappa house, Cutter and Tay just pulled a cool $400 bucks from a kegger last night.  Not surprisingly, they also managed to accrue more passing yards then the Gophers and nobody had to leave the party because they were suffering a seizure. 

04. Residents of the Highland Park neighborhood in St. Paul are fighting a plan to place a Buffalo Wild Wings into the open storefront that used to be home to Cheapo Records, citing noise and the potential for intoxicated college students.

Mike Otto:

     I'm gonna have to side with the Snelling Ave. residents on this one. Having grown up on Grand and Wheeler in St. Paul, I know firsthand that there is nothing worse than drunk Macalester students.

TCDroogsma:

     So, Highland Park is opposed to bars featuring sports on TV and a boisterous crowd of college kids.  Check me if I'm wrong, Scotty, but aren't you people the ones who remind me constantly that Highland is home to the very first Green Mill?  Sounds to me like somebody is a little to accustomed to being a big fish in a small pond.  A small pond filled with Bud Light and terrible, terrible food.

05. President Obama visits Israel and Palestine for the first time as president.

Mike Otto:

    OH SHIT things about to get real now. We all know wherever Obama goes, change follows, and he als-

     What's that? Nothing changed at all? Damnit. BARRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!

TCDroogsma:

     That's some fine work there, President Obama.  I mean, you've only been in office for four and half years. It's not like this is a real pressing issue or anything like that.

06. In Steubenville, Ohio, two high school football stars are sentenced to at least a year in jail each for raping an intoxicated 16 year old girl.

Mike Otto:

     Wait you mean my status as a local football star DOESN'T exonerate me from performing sexual acts on a passed out 16 year old girl and filming the whole thing? Well why the fuck am I even playing football? This is some bullshit. Coach promised me this would all go away and if I can't trust my slimy high school football coach, who can I trust?

     Enjoy jail boys, and don't fall asleep, because you never know what might happen if you let your guard down for a second. It'll be your fault anyway, you weren't protecting yourself and you were prancing around in that hot orange jumper all night.

TCDroogsma:

     Oh man, there is no way I'm touching this topic...

     Then again, if I heard CNN correctly, the topic's asking for it.  It's just sitting there, looking good, making eyes at me.  Besides, the topic seems a little tipsy.  It's probably down for whatever.  I mean, just look at it.  I'll bet it wouldn't even put up a fight.  Harlow, you got my back on this, right?

     Wait a minute, what am I talking about?  I'm an inherently decent blogger.  There are some things you just don't do as a blogger, even though you can be absolutely sure that the media won't do a damned thing about it.  I'm sure that they would defend me as a, "bright, young blogger who had a promising future, but who's life has now literally fallen apart."  In a weird way, I'd even become a sympathetic figure.  Sure, I'd have made some horrible, horrible joke, but the fame and sympathy that comes with my punishment would teach my fellow bloggers a lesson: It's OK to do something unconscionably terrible as long as the minor punishment is outweighed by sympathy & notoriety via talking heads on 24 hour news stations.

     The lesson, as always:  The media is an absolute fucking disgrace, making a mockery of both your intelligence and the first amendment.  Rape is a horrible, horrible thing.  Sympathizing with the plight of convicted rapists to garner ratings?  No better.

07. The University Of Minnesota defeats Boston University 6-3, winning the NCAA championship and becoming the first women's team to go undefeated for an entire season.

Mike Otto:

     41 straight and these women can't film ONE goddamn Harlem Shake video? Fuckin' amateurs.

TCDroogsma:

      Much to the chagrin of hockey fans both here in the "State Of Hockey" and around the country, the championship game wasn't televised despite the built in narrative of the Gophers winning the championship at home and the potential for a historic season.

     What the fuck, ESPN?!?  God forbid Loyola & Georgetown play a preseason women's college basketball game without a fucking national broadcast and breathless Scott Van Pelt leading Sportscenter with the line, "Big tune up for the Lady Hoyas tonight on the hardwood!"  But a hockey team trying to go UN-FUCKING-DEFEATED for an entire season doesn't warrant a spot on any of the dozen of ESPN channels?  Am I wrong or don't you jerk-offs have a network called ESPNU for shit JUST LIKE THIS!  BLAH!  I"M SO DISGUSTED I'M CHOKING ON MY CAPS LOCK KEY HERE!

08.Tiger Woods won at Bay Hill over the weekend, regaining the ranking of #1 golfer in the world after two and a half years.

Mike Otto:

     The facts speak for themselves, when this man is hookin' up with blondes he becomes completely unstoppable. His kryptonite is trashy strippers... turns out Tiger Woods isn't so different from you and I.

TCDroogsma:

     Tiger back on top...  no, wait.

     Tiger comes from behind... no, wait, that's almost worse.

     Tiger pounds opponents... no, wait, that's not it either

     Tiger gets balls deep... no, wait, what?

     Lindsey Vonn's new boyfriend is #1 golfer in the world.  There it is.  For shizzle.

09. Ford Motor Company apologizes for European ads depicting Italian politician Silvio Berlusconi drving a Ford Figo with three women tied up in the trunk.

Mike Otto:

     Those women wouldn't have been stuck in the trunk for so long, but the trunk release button fell off and the key wouldn't work, so we had to go back to the dealership and wait for Larry to get off lunch break, when he got back he just took a crowbar to the trunk and charged me $500. In other words, this apology is nice, but we're still waiting for an apology regarding the last 30 years of poor service and terrible automobiles.

TCDroogsma:

     I'm sorry, I'm trying to come up with a joke, but what could possibly be funnier than that picture?  What's the underlying message?  Did Berlusconi sign off on this?  Are those women strippers or do traffic cops actually look like that in Europe?  Were the ball-gags necessary? Is this what showing tits on broadcast television across Europe eventually leads to?  What the hell is a Ford Figo? And, most importantly, who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

10. Atlanta rapper (and Newest Industry's Spirit Animal) Gucci Mane arrested after allegedly hitting an off-duty military officer with a champagne bottle after the man asked to take a picture with the rapper.

Mike Otto:

     "For reals doe, dis du' had dat comin mane. I mean take my name out ya mouf ya hear? Talkin' bout service to ya country, mane I don't care bout no service cept some bottle service and dats Gucci bitch. Is you a waitress? Cuz what you wearin' you look like a waitress. Naw tell ya what heres a hundred dollas go get me and my crew ten more orange juices, we thirsty, if you lucky I won't hit you in the face wit one dem when you get back. cuz I might forget i eva seent ya I mean I'm high as fuck ya see and tends to forget my interactions minute to minute. BRICKSQUAD BURR!"

TCDroogsma:

     After the arrest, Gucci Mane's family, concerned that Gucci's vices were getting the best of him, reached out to Gucci's rap group Brick Squad to help intervene with the wayward rapper.

     Unfortunately, the plan proved fruitless, as OJ Da Juiceman is currently feuding with Gucci, Slim Dunkin & YG Hootie can't remember who's who, and Waka Flaka Flame spent the entire meeting throwing wadded up dollar bills at everybody in sight.  The only member of Brick Squad who seemed concerned was Joe Moses, who reiterated, "You've got the wrong Joe Moses!  I'm an accountant!  I don't know what Joe Moses you're looking for, but I'm not him!  Stop throwing dollar bills at me!"

There you have it, folks!  Another weeks worth of trending news stories from around the world put in their place!

For more Mike Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  Unless, of course, you live in the greater Detroit area.  Just trust us on this one.

For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our free weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on all the work being done by our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free and legitimate way to support the blog.

Trendsetting #6: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

I got A-1 credit on my Come And Get It card...

Well hello again, everybody!  Welcome to the sixth installment of Trendsetting with Mike Otto & TCDroogsma!

For those of you who aren't quite sure what you're looking at, here's the deal.  Each week we scan the newspaper and the internet for the stories that are trending here in Minnesota and all around the world.  Once we settle on ten or so we send the stories off to Mike & Travis and ask them to give us their thoughts.  Then, rather than horde them for ourselves, we share them with you, the reader, in an attempt to take over the blogosphere via sarcasm & obscenities.

As always, Mike and Travis have not read each other's comments before this posting.

So, Mikey, Travis... it was a big, stupid week out there.  What'd you think?

01. Minnesota Twins catcher (and St. Paul native) Joe Mauer announces that he and his wife are expecting twins.

Mike Otto:

     St. Paul's prodigal son will soon be a dad! Of TWINS no less! Although nobody knows if the little bundles of joy will be boys or girls, identical or fraternal, we do know they will be able to walk straight out of the womb and will have to DH day games after night games.

TCDroogsma:

     I couldn't be happier for Joe Mauer.  When Sid Hartman clumsily asked Mauer about the conception process, Mauer responded, "You know, I just tried to stay in there and work with what I was given. Just try to stay patient and wait for her to make a mistake.  When I got my chance I just tried to keep my stroke simple and put some good wood on it."  It was unquestionably the most sexually-disturbing press conference since the Lynx won the WNBA title.

02. Gary Becker,the former mayor of Racine, Wisconsin, is released from prison after serving time for sexual assault of a child and child enticement.

Mike Otto:

     Yes, even the mayors in Wisconsin are diddlers. Gary Becker is back in Racine and living 2 blocks from an elementary schoo, no less! Don't worry though, 2 years of getting turned into swiss cheese by fellow inmates has totally given him perspective on life.

TCDroogsma:

     I am not touching this news story.  Unless, of course, someone offers me some cheese curds, a Mark Chmura jersey, and a ride home.


03. Fomer NBA player Dennis Rodman visits North Korea.

Mike Otto:

     "OHHHH GREAT LEADER YOU MAKE SUN AND MOON IN SKY... "

     Rodman came back singing the praises of Kim Jong-Un, even going so far as to call him a friend. Don't be too surprised, Rodman would have called Stalin a friend if he took him out for the weekend and picked up every tab.

 TCDroogsma:

     According to the state-controlled North Korea media Kim Jong-Un and Rodman played an epic one-on-one game that was one by the North Korean dictator 55-30 with Kim Jong-Un hitting ten straight threes, grabbing 45 rebounds, and, remarkably, notching 25 assists.

04. Budweiser is battling lawsuits from several states claiming that their flagship variety is "watered down" before bottling, thus skewing the listed alcohol content. 

Mike Otto:

     What? WHATTTT!?!? Budweiser has been the long standing bastion of integrity in the beer industry. Their reputation as the highest quality beer in the nation is no more. It has been discovered that their magic recipe of hops, corn and water is a little heavy on the water aspect and I, for one, am shocked and saddened. On the bright side, at least America's large homeless community is staying hydrated.

TCDroogsma:

     Turns out watering down the beer gives Budweiser its uniquely "American" taste.  If the TV, pop music, movies, literature, and media in America are going to be watered down to their most bland and tasteless it stands to reason that we should be drinking piss water as we consume them.

05. President Obama and congress fail to reach an agreement prior to the March 1st deadline, allowing across the board sequestration cuts to federal spending.

Mike Otto:

     I just don't give a fuck anymore. I can't care about this shit or it will put me in an early grave. If I was as bad as congress at my job I would have been fired a long time ago.

     Here's an idea, if congress doesn't get their "work" done on time, they don't get paid. How much you wanna bet all this sequester debt ceiling deadline BULLSHIT would have been taken care of weeks ago. Oh yah, I forgot, that would mean our elected officials are held to the same set of rules as the rest of society. Silly me. Fuck them all, the shit they are deliberating over doesn't effect any of them, their families, or their 6 figure salaries. American Politics is a broken system. I used to care. I just can't anymore.

TCDroogsma:

     I say good fucking riddance.  Let's not forget that this doesn't mean a base cut in spending, but rather a smaller increase in spending than what federal agencies were expecting.  Boo fucking hoo.  God forbid the U.S. takes even a tiny step toward being more fiscally responsible.  I've found new ways to tighten my belt every week for the last three years.  These agencies can do the same.

06. According to reports, three Indiana residents are accused of necrophilia after killing two people and engaging in sexual actions on the bodies.

(Editor's Note:  As Mike mentions, it's impossible to find any information on this story online, including pictures of the suspects.  We figured this picture of Reggie Miller would suffice.)

Mike Otto:

     The three Necrophiliacs in question, a 18 year old female and her 2 boyfriends, lured 2 unsuspecting 22 year old males to a residence in suburban Indiana, where they murdered their guests (strangulation) and then continued to have a threesome on top of their fresh corpses.......so yah. I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the world! Nothing is sacred, we're all doomed.


     (Side note: I heard of this story on a local Minnesota radio station last week, but could find no write-up of it on the interwebs. Also, I didn't want to type too many "Indiana Necrophiliac" searches into Google. Maybe its simply too horrific a story to get any run on Indiana local news, or perhaps details are still in question. You're just gonna have to take my word on it, this is a thing that happened)

TCDroogsma:

      Between this story and the story below, it's a sad, fucked up time to be a resident of Indiana.  Though, technically, that's been true for about 197 years.

07. The Minnesota Golden Gophers basketball team upsets the then-#1 ranked Indiana Hoosiers at The Barn.

Mike Otto:

     Somewhere, right now, Sam Jacobson is masturbating. Under a bridge in Mississippi, a dry, cracked smile just spread across the face of Rick Rickert as he takes a celebration chug of listerine. Sure, go ahead Dinkytown, storm the court, enjoy your moment, it won't last. This is Gopher basketball, home of Final Four runs that don't actually exist because Bobby Jackson can't write a fuckin' paper.

    NEWS FLASH: THE GOPHERS WILL LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE NCAA TOUNAMENT. Something will go wrong. It's tradition, and this team is not good enough to break up the decades of failure. You can count on 3 things in life: death, taxes, and Gopher Basketball fucking up.

TCDroogsma:

     Congratulations to the Gophers and Tubby Smith.  You have my apologies for putting you on blast both in the past and, inevitably, in the future when you get thrashed by Xavier in the first round of the NCAA tournament.

     No apologies or congrats to the moronic Gopher students/fans who stormed the court after the victory.  The Gophers were 4.5 point underdogs going into the game.  4.5 points!  In a sport as excruciatingly dull and poorly executed as college basketball 4.5 points could be swung by something as simple as "I received a mean text message from my girlfriend" to "Who closed down Sally's last night?"

08. Melissa King, Miss Delaware Teen USA, resigns her post after it's brought to light that she appeared in a pornographic video.

Mike Otto:

     What a fuckin' skank.

TCDroogsma:

     Shit, the way kids are going these days this is just the tip of the iceberg.  If we're going to start disqualifying every Miss Teen USA candidate simply because they've got down on camera we're not going to have a Miss Teen USA pageant at all.  Seems to me that they may as well embrace this and add it to the "Talent" portion of the competition.

09.  Florida resident Jeff Bush is presumed dead after his bedroom is swallowed up by a sinkhole.

Mike Otto:

     Jeff Bush thought he was having a bad day when he stubbed his toe that morning. He knew it wasn't his day when he went out to his car and found he had no gas. Then when the bus drove right by him making him late for work, he knew it was going to be an EPICALLY terrible day. After 8 1/2 hours at the hardware store and dropping three cans of paint on his left foot, he limped home, glad the day was finally over. He got home to the sound of his brother having intercourse and went straight to his room. He was happy, after such a long day, dozing off to the sound of David Letterman would be a peaceful ending. As his eyelids grew heavy, he heard a slight rumbling, followed by a not-so-slight shaking, and then the Earth swallowed him whole.

     The lesson? Always interrupt your brother when he's balls deep.

TCDroogsma:

     Who knew hell was a duplex?

10.  English pop icon (and vegetarian) Morrissey refuses to appear on the same episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live as the cast of Duck Dynasty.

Mike Otto:

     "And if a double decker bus, crashes into us, to die by your side, would be a heavenly way to die!!!!"

     Oh, Morissey why even tour in America? Its sad but true, if you make Americans pick between you and whatever the fuck Duck Dynasty is, the majority of us will pick the duck thing. We're not very smart, you see, and we all hate when some Limey asshole comes across the pond and tries to impart their values upon us. Americans hate other peoples values. Always have. That being said, Jimmy Kimmel is a fat little troll, I'm surprised you even agreed to his show in the first place. Good luck Mozzer, I'm gonna go eat a cheeseburger for breakfast.

TCDroogsma:

     Where do you get the balls, Morrissey?  I mean, we're talking about Jimmy Kimmel here!  Jimmy fucking Kimmel!  He is a bastion of everything that is great about American television!  Nobody has their finger on the pulse o this country quite like Jimmy Kimmel.  He's followed the footsteps of Johnny Carson and David Letterman to become the iconic late night TV personality of the 21st century!  He's been hosting his show for 10 years!  10!  Not a day goes by when I don't go to work to find myself surrounded by people discussing Kimmel's show from the night before.  "Did you hear his monologue from last night?"  "Can you believe his Bradley Cooper interview?"  "How great was that skit where they went out on the street and asked people if they knew Barack Obama's wife's name?"  I know that, if I want to be taken seriously by friends and acquaintances, it is absolutely imperative that I stay up late each night hanging on every last clever quip that leaves Jimmy's mouth.

     Shit, who's even going to remember the guy who wrote the Charmed theme song in ten years?  Best to know your place, Morrissey.  You don't take on television royalty like Jimmy Kimmel unless you're willing to take on the rest of America!

There you have it, folks!  Another week's worth of trending story run through the ringer.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).

For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free and legitimate way to support the blog. 

Trendsetting #4: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

On to the next one, on to the next one...

Well hello again, everybody! Welcome to the fourth installment of Trendsetting!

For those of you who aren't totally sure what you're looking at right now, let us break it down for you. You see, each week we scan the newspapers and the internets to keep track of stories that are trending in Minnesota and around the world.

At the end of the week, we settle on ten or so and send them off to Mike Otto and TCDroogsma. They send us back their takes on these trending stories and we post them here. As always, Mike & Travis have not read each other's comments before we post them.

It was an eventful week. Mikey, Droogsy, break it down for us?

01. A meteor the size of a school bus blazes across the Russian sky before ultimately exploding with the force of 20 nuclear bombs, knocking out windows and injuring nearly 1,000 people.

Mike: 

     We all should have known that the universe couldn't be trusted. Between the solar flares, spy satellites and potentially dangerous asteroids us Earthlings feel as though nothing outside our atmosphere can be trusted. Now the universe goes and destroys the last 1,000 functional windows in Russia? Fuck off, thing my tiny human brain can't fully comprehend.

TCDroogsma:

      Seems to me that this meteor exposed a dangerous truth about Russians: Nearly all of them have cameras mounted to their dashboard. I guess that's what you get when you build a creep-shot-based economy.

02. President Obama delivers the first State Of The Union speech of his second term.

Mike:

     Our President focused on many topics during his most recent State of the Union speech. The state of our still-stuttering economy, our struggling middle class, and the fact the United States currently has over 70,000 "structurally deficient" bridges. It was the most inspirational political speech in decades.

TCDroogsma:

     I stayed home Tuesday to watch President Obama give his annual State Of The Union.  Unfortunately, Obama's relentlessly monotone delivery quickly put me to sleep.  I guess you could say Obama got me with a drone strike! (rimshot!)

03. Gophers' basketball coach Tubby Smith is caught on camera doing the Harlem Shake after his team's victory over Wisconsin.

Mike: 

     I'd be dancing too if i was getting paid 3.3 million dollars to lead a slightly above average Big 10 basketball team. Go Gophers! Reigning NIT RUNNER-UP!!

TCDroogsma:

      It was all fun and games until the celebration awoke Old Man Mbakwe from his nap. “Turn off the hippity-hop jibber jabber,” the center implored. “You kids call that music?” He then put on a Lawrence Welk LP and proceeded to show the team a dance he calls the “Strained Quad Shuffle.”

04. Alden Anderson, a Missouri sex offender living in St. Paul, is killed after stabbing & killing Kody, a police dog, during a fight with the police.

Mike: 

     Jesus Christ. This guy would have been better off banging the police chief's wife.

TCDroogsma:

     I don't even have a joke for this one.  Being fatally shot immediately by the police was too good for this worthless human being.

05. A food fight at Minneapolis South High School erupts into a racially-motivated riot.

Mike: 

   "Ethnic tensions" were cited as the source of the melee, but really it was all about Reggie taking the last Italian Dunker.

TCDroogsma:

      Meanwhile, across town, Minneapolis North High's regularly scheduled third period race riot went unnoticed by media and faculty alike.

06. Farmington Senior goaltender Austin Krause, upset about playing time, intentionally scores on own goal before flipping off coach and leaving the ice on Senior Night.

Mike: 

     The goalie in question, a senior, was riding the bench more than he liked, while a fellow student goalie, a sophomore, was accumulating better statistical ratings and keeping his mouth shut. This senior was trying to make a point, and he did. He proved he is a petulant little bitch. Don't worry though bro, HIGH SCHOOL IS EVERYTHING, THIS SHIT MATTERS!

TCDroogsma:

     You know who was probably super-psyched about this?  That sophomore goalie!  He must be thinking, "Damn!  Not only am I better than Kruase, but the bar for the next two years has been set at, 'Did he freak out and flip off the coach like a little bitch?'  I could lose every game for the next two years, but as long as I don't score on my own goal and piss off the entire city, I'm pretty much coming out ahead.  Thanks for being completely incapable of dealing with even the most trivial amount of adversity, Austin!"

07. Double amputee Olympic track star Oscar Pistorius is arrested for allegedly murdering his model girlfriend.

Mike: 

    He is sticking to the story that "he made a mistake, he was startled" by his girlfriend , model Reeva Steenkamp and "fearing a home intrusion, accidentally" shot his girlfriend in the face 4 times. Yah sure and I "accidentally" used to ask for 5 orders of mozzarella sticks when I bought an Arby's 5 for $5.95.

TCDroogsma:

     I'd be startled enough to accidentally shoot if Reeva Steenkamp snuck into my house too. And I don't own a gun, if ya know what I'm sayin'!  Huh?  Am I right?  Huh?  Ugh... I'm sorry...

08. A crippled cruise ship stranded in the Gulf Of Mexico and carrying 4,200 people (nearly all of whom has resorted to living in their own filth without power or running water) is finally pulled to port in Mobile, Alabama.

Mike: 

     THANK GOD! These peoples' NIGHTMARE in the Gulf is finally over! 

     You know this was a ship full of out-of-touch richies, whining about drinking toilet water and pooping in bags, WAH WAH. If that was a ship full of poor people, the real fun WOULD HAVE STARTED when the power went out. Hell, there are plenty of people in this world that would KILL to be stuck on a dysfunctional cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico. "I've been adrift on my cruise ship for THREE DAYS!!!" Fuckin' Western problems.

TCDroogsma:

      Upon arriving in Mobile, many of the passengers of the ship were surprised to find that they were by a large margin, the best dressed, cleanest, and most coherent people in town.

09. North Korea, in a show of strength meant to provoke South Korea and the United States, detonates a nuclear device underground.

Mike: 

     Well played North Korea, well played. Your people might not have food, but you have successfully threatened the World Police. You think America play?

     For better or worse, our government has always had their finger on the trigger. Hey Kim Jong-un, if it's gonna be a "you or us" type-of-thing you won't like he result. I truly feel for North Korean citizens who just want to wake up, go to their jobs and live their lives. This isn't their battle, they just have to pay the price for it.

TCDroogsma:

      When reached for comment, President Obama was unimpressed, “Really, Kim Jong-un? You detonated a nuclear device? All by yourself?  Because, y'know, I'm currently trying to reduce the number of ACTIVE NUCLEAR WARHEADS at my disposal from 1,700 down to about 1,000. But I'm meeting some resistance, so maybe, I don't know, I'll just hold on to the EXTRA 700 NUCLEAR WARHEADS. Save 'em for a rainy day or something.”

10. A two year old Minneapolis boy is slapped for being too noisy by a 60 year old Idaho man on board a Delta flight from Minneapolis to Atlanta.

Mike: 

     Leave it to Idaho. The baby slapper in question, Joe Rickey Hundley reportedly uttered the words, "shut that n****r baby up" right before he open hand slapped the 2 year old boy on a Delta flight from Minneapolis to Atlanta. Personally, I hope they sent that fuckin' honky to the back of the plane.

     Many Minneapolitans who witnessed the incident jumped to the aid of the young boy and his mother, 33 year old Jessica Bennet, who admitted it was, "regrettable she got stuck next to the most rotten potato to ever come out of Idaho."

TCDroogsma:

      What is it about the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport that causes residents of Idaho to think they can they can get away with whatever they want?

Well there you have it, folks. Another week's worth of trending topics broken down by our experts.

For more of Mike's errr.... “unique” take on life, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).

For more of TCDroogsma's errr... ramblings, be sure to follow him on Twitter (@TCDroogsma) or right here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly Flatbasset Radio podcast.

For more Newest Industry, be sure to follow us on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on all the work being done by our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Stopping by and giving us a “Like” is a free and legitimate way to support the blog.