Hello again, Twins fans! Welcome to the second edition of World Of Worley!
For those of you who are new to the game, here's what you're looking at: The Twins season is long. No, like, really long. To help pass the time we've enlisted fake Twins starting pitcher Not Vance Worley to keep us updated on the Twins as they navigate the Road To .500!
So, Not Vance, how was your week?
Well hey everybody. Sorry for the delayed post. After getting shelled by the Mets this week Rick Anderson took away my internet privileges as punishment.
Fortunately, I figured out his password. It was Carlpavano. So I'm back now with my weekly recap.
April 8th, 2013: Kansas City
Well, after a nice weekend series in Baltimore we flew into Kansas City for a showdown against our division rivals. Honestly, I've never been to Kansas City. Did you know it's not actually in Kansas? What the hell is that all about?
I did find out that the city of Kansas City takes a lot of pride in their cuisine. When we got to the clubhouse before the game we found a beautiful spread of BBQ ribs, oven roasted potatoes, corn on the cob, and all the crystal meth we wanted! I've never seen the guys so excited before a game.
Speaking of the game, the boys were going up against Ervin "Magic" Santana. Now, Santana's a notorious first pitch-fastball pitcher. Plus, if I remember the statistic correctly, he gave up an average of 11.5 home runs per nine innings last year, which seems like a lot, but this AL ball is new to me.
The boys were able to get a run in the first when the Supervillain (aka MF Doumit) drove in a run. Unfortunately, the momentum was killed when he overran second base and got caught stranded. It was a tough inning. Especially considering that we wouldn't score another run the rest of the game.
I asked him about the baserunning gaffe after the game:
Me: Probably shoulda just held up at second, eh Supervillain?
Doumit: Hey bro, Day Glo, set the bet, pay dough, before the cheddar get away, you best to get Maaco
Me: Maaco, huh? Good to know.
He's a strange guy.
Anyway, Kevin Correia ended up taking the loss. It's a shame, because he pitched really great up through the 7th but then he got lit up in the 8th. The media has questioned why Gardenhire didn't have anybody warming up. Let me tell you how it went down.
Correia (stepping into the dugout after the 7th): Phew. I'm not sure I've got another inning in me, skip.
Gardy: ...
Correia: Yeah, arm's tightening up a little bit. Got through seven pretty good though.
Gardy: ...
Correia: Uh, skip?
Rick Anderson: What the hell are you doing, Correia?
Correia: Um... I was trying to tell Gardy that I don't think I have another inning in me.
Anderson: Listen, kid, Skip's had a lot of ribs. I wouldn't wake him up if I were you.
Correia: But Andy, I really don't think I can go back out. Maybe we should get somebody loose?
Anderson: Hey, which one of us has the homo-erotic mustache here?
Correia: You, coach...
Anderson: That's right. And that puts me in charge of the pitching staff. Now stay loose. Duensing's still all messed up from his "lunch" and Swarzak wore himself out chicken fighting with Perkins.
Swarzak and his horseplay. When's he going to learn?
Anyway, tough loss, but the offense is showing some signs of life. Should be a good series.
April 9th, 2013: Kansas City
Made a point of getting to the park a little bit early today. I wanted to hang out around the cage and get to know some of these Royals since we'll be seeing so much of them over the course of the year.
I ended up having a real nice conversation withe their DH Billy Butler.
Me: Hey, Billy. How ya doing today?
Butler: I'm alright. You are?
Me: A tired Twitter premise, but that's neither here nor there. Looks like you got a pretty good squad this year.
Bulter: Define "good."
Me: Um... better than average?
Butler: Shit, nobody here even remembers what "average" means in regards to a baseball team. Honestly, the fans seem to love us as long we avoid spitting directly onto them.
Me: And when you do?
Butler: Hoo boy! They... well... nothing really. They've been broken, my friend.
That sure seemed to be the case during today's game. My buddy Pelfrey got roughed up something fierce and the crowd spent a good part of the first inning googling the rules of baseball to see if you were actually allowed to score that early in the game. All in all the Royals hung 5 on the board in the first.
The boys gave it a valiant effort, though. Joey Mauer, Willy, & EDUARDO ESCOBAR! went deep, but all three were solo shots. Turns out that when you give up five in the first inning three solo shots ain't gonna cut it. Oh, we had a chance at the end of the game, but Joey Ba$eball struck out because we were playing in a goddamn monsoon. Seriously, it was like The Ice Harvest out here, with Willy playing Billy Bob & Pelfrey playing John Cusack. Tough loss.
April 10th, 2013: Kansas City
Shut out. Shut. Out. This won't do at all.
Oh sure, that same monsoon that ruined last night's rally was still roaring come game time, but that's no excuse for being shut out. Hell, the Royals had to play in the same stuff. Of course they were also facing Liam Hendricks, who'd give up at least three earned in earthquake.
After the game Liam said this to the papers:
""I went out there and I was feeling a little disoriented. I wasn't feeling right. Once I got locked in it was better. It was just the one pitch which hurt. I felt really good out of the stretch. The number of pitches, 96 in five innings, that's not a positive. Just the one home run, I was pleased, compared to the last time out. It was tough conditions today."
Look, Liam seems like a nice enough guy, but c'mon, bud. How can you feel "pleased" when you don't walk off the field with a W? And don't get me started on "felt really good out of the stretch." That sounds like more of Rick Anderson speak. How about this, maybe get a guy out every now and then so you can get comfortable pitching from a windup. Christ, when every inning has you in the stretch after three pitches then yeah, you'll probably get pretty comfortable.
So, swept in KC. In a monsoon. Ugh... Can't wait to get back to Minneapolis tomorrow. It'll be great to get out of this terrible weather and make a start against the terrible Mets.
April 11th, 2013: Off Day
My god! Is this what every April is like in Minnesota? How do you people live like this? I'm definitely buying a jacket.
April 12th, 2013: Minneapolis
Alright, let me explain.
I was feeling real good going into this start. Sure, it was fucking snowing, but evidently that's just all it does in this godforsaken city. Sorry, I didn't mean that. I get a little testy any day I can't get out of the second fucking inning!
I'll tell you what happened though. Before the game I sat down with Pelfrey. Figured since he used to play for the Mets he'd have some tips for me.
Me: Hey Mike, what do you got for scouting on these guys?
Pelfrey: Well, I'll tell you, as long as I was in New York it seemed like all you had to do was throw the ball over 85 and they'd miss it.
Me: C'mon, they can't be that bad.
Pelfrey: Let me just say this, I faked the whole ligament injury just to get away from this team. I went through Tommy John surgery and the rehab unnecessarily just to get away from this awful team.
Me: Wow, that seems like a pretty horrible thing to do.
Pelfrey: You try living in Queens.
So I pretty much scrapped the game plan and just threw some bullets. Let me tell you, Pelfrey wildly underestimated this squad. Honestly, outside of David Wright I have no idea who any of these guys are, but 9 hits, 7 earned, 1.0 innings pitched is ugly. Men lie, women lie, numbers don't.
Still looking for that first W with the TC on my cap. Don't worry, Twins fans, it's coming.
April 13th, 2013: Minneapolis
Guess who's back!!
That's right, Black Diamond is back on the hill! The ace is back! And not a moment too soon. Being the "ace" of this staff was wearing me out.
Things were actually going pretty good for Scotty until the fourth inning when he gave up a home run to Marlon Byrd that landed at Graves 601. Fortunately Gardy was awake enough to get Roenicke loose before Black Diamond completely fell apart.
Sharing the hill with Scotty was a kid called Matt Harvey. Holy hell! This kid's good. He was throwing a no-hitter into the seventh until Morneau hit a foul-pole shot. Morneau was feeling good about it after the game:
Reporter: Justin, tell us a bit about the home run.
Morneau: Well, I knouw he likes to throuw first pitch fast balls. I just tried to put a gooud swing on it.
Reporter: Did you think it was going to get out?
Morneau: I couldn't be sure, but from where I was standing it looked like it would cautch the foul poule. Stayed fair by just a meter or so.
Reporter: I hate Canadians.
Morneau: Alrighty.
April 14th, 2013: Game Cancelled
First thing I did when I woke up today was run into the kitchen and turn on the radio. The sports guy was reading off the probable starters from around the league and then he said the words I was hoping for, "Mets at Minnesota: Cancelled."
I threw my blanket off! Snow day!
And what a day it was. Once we all made our phone calls via the Twins Snow Day phone tree Joey Mauer invited a bunch of us over to St. Paul. We went sledding at Buck Hill, had a snowball fight, and drank hot cocoa until Joe's mom gave us rides home. What a day. Just what the team needed after going 0-5 this week. I wish we could have snow days every day.
So that's the week. It wasn't a good one, but Road To .500 is long and winding. The Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim California are in town next week. We'll be back to our winning ways soon.
Record For The Week: 0-5
Record Overall: 4-7
There you have it, Twins fans! A lackluster week for the hometown nine, but positivity abounds!
For more Not Vance Worley be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TinyVancer).
For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment