World Of Worley: Week #2

Rock n fire, babe...

Hello again, Twins fans!  Welcome to the second edition of World Of Worley!

For those of you who are new to the game, here's what you're looking at:  The Twins season is long.  No, like, really long.  To help pass the time we've enlisted fake Twins starting pitcher Not Vance Worley to keep us updated on the Twins as they navigate the Road To .500!

So, Not Vance, how was your week?

Well hey everybody.  Sorry for the delayed post.  After getting shelled by the Mets this week Rick Anderson took away my internet privileges as punishment.

Fortunately, I figured out his password.  It was Carlpavano.  So I'm back now with my weekly recap.

April 8th, 2013: Kansas City

Well, after a nice weekend series in Baltimore we flew into Kansas City for a showdown against our division rivals.  Honestly, I've never been to Kansas City.  Did you know it's not actually in Kansas?  What the hell is that all about?


I did find out that the city of Kansas City takes a lot of pride in their cuisine.  When we got to the clubhouse before the game we found a beautiful spread of BBQ ribs, oven roasted potatoes, corn on the cob, and all the crystal meth we wanted!  I've never seen the guys so excited before a game.

Speaking of the game, the boys were going up against Ervin "Magic" Santana.  Now, Santana's a notorious first pitch-fastball pitcher.  Plus, if I remember the statistic correctly, he gave up an average of 11.5 home runs per nine innings last year, which seems like a lot, but this AL ball is new to me.

The boys were able to get a run in the first when the Supervillain (aka MF Doumit) drove in a run.  Unfortunately, the momentum was killed when he overran second base and got caught stranded.  It was a tough inning.  Especially considering that we wouldn't score another run the rest of the game.

I asked him about the baserunning gaffe after the game:

Me: Probably shoulda just held up at second, eh Supervillain?
Doumit: Hey bro, Day Glo, set the bet, pay dough, before the cheddar get away, you best to get Maaco
Me: Maaco, huh?  Good to know.

He's a strange guy.

Anyway, Kevin Correia ended up taking the loss.  It's a shame, because he pitched really great up through the 7th but then he got lit up in the 8th.  The media has questioned why Gardenhire didn't have anybody warming up.  Let me tell you how it went down.

Correia (stepping into the dugout after the 7th): Phew.  I'm not sure I've got another inning in me, skip.
Gardy: ...
Correia: Yeah, arm's tightening up a little bit.  Got through seven pretty good though.
Gardy: ...
Correia: Uh, skip?
Rick Anderson: What the hell are you doing, Correia?
Correia: Um... I was trying to tell Gardy that I don't think I have another inning in me.
Anderson: Listen, kid, Skip's had a lot of ribs. I wouldn't wake him up if I were you.
Correia: But Andy, I really don't think I can go back out.  Maybe we should get somebody loose?
Anderson: Hey, which one of us has the homo-erotic mustache here?
Correia: You, coach...
Anderson: That's right.  And that puts me in charge of the pitching staff.  Now stay loose.  Duensing's still all messed up from his "lunch" and Swarzak wore himself out chicken fighting with Perkins.

Swarzak and his horseplay.  When's he going to learn?

Anyway, tough loss, but the offense is showing some signs of life.  Should be a good series.

April 9th, 2013: Kansas City

Made a point of getting to the park a little bit early today.  I wanted to hang out around the cage and get to know some of these Royals since we'll be seeing so much of them over the course of the year.

I ended up having a real nice conversation withe their DH Billy Butler.

Me: Hey, Billy.  How ya doing today?
Butler: I'm alright.  You are?
Me: A tired Twitter premise, but that's neither here nor there.  Looks like you got a pretty good squad this year.
Bulter: Define "good."
Me: Um... better than average?
Butler: Shit, nobody here even remembers what "average" means in regards to a baseball team.  Honestly, the fans seem to love us as long we avoid spitting directly onto them.
Me: And when you do?
Butler: Hoo boy!  They... well... nothing really.  They've been broken, my friend.

That sure seemed to be the case during today's game.  My buddy Pelfrey got roughed up something fierce and the crowd spent a good part of the first inning googling the rules of baseball to see if you were actually allowed to score that early in the game.  All in all the Royals hung 5 on the board in the first.

The boys gave it a valiant effort, though.  Joey Mauer, Willy, & EDUARDO ESCOBAR! went deep, but all three were solo shots.  Turns out that when you give up five in the first inning three solo shots ain't gonna cut it.  Oh, we had a chance at the end of the game, but Joey Ba$eball struck out because we were playing in a goddamn monsoon.  Seriously, it was like The Ice Harvest out here, with Willy playing Billy Bob & Pelfrey playing John Cusack.  Tough loss.

April 10th, 2013: Kansas City

Shut out.  Shut. Out.  This won't do at all.


Oh sure, that same monsoon that ruined last night's rally was still roaring come game time, but that's no excuse for being shut out.  Hell, the Royals had to play in the same stuff.  Of course they were also facing Liam Hendricks, who'd give up at least three earned in earthquake.

After the game Liam said this to the papers:

""I went out there and I was feeling a little disoriented.  I wasn't feeling right. Once I got locked in it was better. It was just the one pitch which hurt.  I felt really good out of the stretch. The number of pitches, 96 in five innings, that's not a positive. Just the one home run, I was pleased, compared to the last time out. It was tough conditions today."

Look, Liam seems like a nice enough guy, but c'mon, bud.  How can you feel "pleased" when you don't walk off the field with a W?  And don't get me started on "felt really good out of the stretch."  That sounds like more of Rick Anderson speak.  How about this, maybe get a guy out every now and then so you can get comfortable pitching from a windup.  Christ, when every inning has you in the stretch after three pitches then yeah, you'll probably get pretty comfortable.


So, swept in KC.  In a monsoon.  Ugh... Can't wait to get back to Minneapolis tomorrow.  It'll be great to get out of this terrible weather and make a start against the terrible Mets.

April 11th, 2013: Off Day

My god!  Is this what every April is like in Minnesota?  How do you people live like this?  I'm definitely buying a jacket.

April 12th, 2013: Minneapolis

Alright, let me explain.

I was feeling real good going into this start.  Sure, it was fucking snowing, but evidently that's just all it does in this godforsaken city.  Sorry, I didn't mean that.  I get a little testy any day I can't get out of the second fucking inning!

I'll tell you what happened though.  Before the game I sat down with Pelfrey.  Figured since he used to play for the Mets he'd have some tips for me.

Me: Hey Mike, what do you got for scouting on these guys?
Pelfrey: Well, I'll tell you, as long as I was in New York it seemed like all you had to do was throw the ball over 85 and they'd miss it.
Me: C'mon, they can't be that bad.
Pelfrey: Let me just say this, I faked the whole ligament injury just to get away from this team.  I went through Tommy John surgery and the rehab unnecessarily just to get away from this awful team.
Me: Wow, that seems like a pretty horrible thing to do.
Pelfrey: You try living in Queens.

So I pretty much scrapped the game plan and just threw some bullets.  Let me tell you, Pelfrey wildly underestimated this squad.  Honestly, outside of David Wright I have no idea who any of these guys are, but 9 hits, 7 earned, 1.0 innings pitched is ugly.  Men lie, women lie, numbers don't.

Still looking for that first W with the TC on my cap.  Don't worry, Twins fans, it's coming.

April 13th, 2013: Minneapolis

Guess who's back!! 

That's right, Black Diamond is back on the hill!  The ace is back!  And not a moment too soon.  Being the "ace" of this staff was wearing me out.

Things were actually going pretty good for Scotty until the fourth inning when he gave up a home run to Marlon Byrd that landed at Graves 601.  Fortunately Gardy was awake enough to get Roenicke loose before Black Diamond completely fell apart.

Sharing the hill with Scotty was a kid called Matt Harvey.  Holy hell!  This kid's good.  He was throwing a no-hitter into the seventh until Morneau hit a foul-pole shot.  Morneau was feeling good about it after the game:

Reporter: Justin, tell us a bit about the home run.

Morneau: Well, I knouw he likes to throuw first pitch fast balls. I just tried to put a gooud swing on it.

Reporter: Did you think it was going to get out?

Morneau: I couldn't be sure, but from where I was standing it looked like it would cautch the foul poule. Stayed fair by just a meter or so.

Reporter: I hate Canadians.

Morneau: Alrighty.

April 14th, 2013: Game Cancelled

First thing I did when I woke up today was run into the kitchen and turn on the radio.  The sports guy was reading off the probable starters from around the league and then he said the words I was hoping for, "Mets at Minnesota: Cancelled."

I threw my blanket off!  Snow day!

And what a day it was.  Once we all made our phone calls via the Twins Snow Day phone tree Joey Mauer invited a bunch of us over to St. Paul.  We went sledding at Buck Hill, had a snowball fight, and drank hot cocoa until Joe's mom gave us rides home.  What a day.  Just what the team needed after going 0-5 this week.  I wish we could have snow days every day.

So that's the week.  It wasn't a good one, but Road To .500 is long and winding.  The Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim California are in town next week.  We'll be back to our winning ways soon.

Record For The Week: 0-5

Record Overall: 4-7

There you have it, Twins fans!  A lackluster week for the hometown nine, but positivity abounds!

For more Not Vance Worley be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TinyVancer).

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

World Of Worley: Week #1

I'm not a player I just crush a lot...

Hello again, baseball fans!  Welcome to World Of Worley!

For those of you who missed our initial installment, here's what you're looking at:  Each week during this Twins season we'll be joined by Twins starting pitcher Not Vance Worley.  Not Vance we'll be giving us his thoughts and insights as the Twins navigate the 2013 season.

So, Not Vance, the first two series of the season are in the books.  What do you think!

Hey Twins fans!  Thanks for stopping by!  As I mentioned last week, I'm kind of new to this whole "blogger" thing, so you'll have to bear with me.  It was an exciting week to be a Twin as we opened the season at Target Field against the Tigers and then flew out to Baltimore to do battle with the O's.

I had a lot of fun this week, so let's get to it!

April 1st: Opening Day

I'll be honest, I was pretty excited when Gardy told me I was going to be the Opening Day starter at Target Field against the Tigers.  I haven't been named an opening day starter since my high school days in Sacramento.  I used to clean up in those days, racking up three wins, tossing two no-hitters, and hitting 4 home runs over those three years.  I was really hoping to replicate that performance against the Tigers.  Turns out the Tigers are a slightly better squad than the South Sacramento Capitals.  Slightly.

The day started off well enough.  I went out to get my morning coffee on the walk to the ballpark and saw my handsome mug on the header of something called "The Star-Tribune."  Based on the fact that they're putting my face on the front page I can only assume that this newspaper is a bastion of integrity and the pride of the community.  I'm sure they're big Twins supporters too.

I bought five copies of the paper (four for me and one for my mom.  She loves when I send her newspaper clippings because she's terrified of the "inter-web.") and grabbed a coffee from something called "Caribou Coffee."  What's that all about, Minnesota?  Do you guys just use moose to sell everything?

Anyway, I made my way to the ballpark and everybody was pretty excited.  It was Opening Day, after all!  Brian Dozier was lifting some weights, Joe Mauer was stoically taking extra cuts in the cage, and Brian Duensing was shotgunning beers and challenging anybody who looked at him sideways to wrestling matches.  At one point he went up to Wilkin Ramirez and yelled, "Hey Dub-Ram!  It's Opening fucking Day rookie!  Have a beer and let's do this!."

Wilkin seemed a little put off, as his English is not great, but he took a beer from Dunse Man.  "Gracias." 

"Drink that up, young'n!  We gon' wrestle!"

Dub Ram looked confused, but fortunately Gardy came in and settled everybody down before we took the field.

Gardy: Take a knee, boys.
Jamey Carroll:  Coach, we have chairs.  Could we just stay on these chairs?
Gardy:  Don't undermine me, old man.  Dunse Man, toss me a beer.

(catches can, cracks beer, drinks deeply)

Gardy: Ugh... hair of the dog.  Alright boys, this is a big year for the Twins.  We've had a couple of down years and the fans have grown a little restless.  Now, I'm not saying we have to go out and win the World Series.  Hell, we don't even have to make the playoffs.  Just know that Terry Ryan and I have a gentleman's agreement that if I don't get this squad pointed in the right direction I'll be leaving at the end of the year.  So I want all of you to remember one thing:

(swigs deeply, finishing the beer)

Gardy: If I go down I'm bringing every last one of you with me.  Trust me, half of you guys don't even belong in the big leagues and if I don't have your back nobody does.  Now limber up, we've got a game to win.

Inspiring words.  Some managers lead by example, some lead by kindness, hell, back in Philadelphia Charlie Manuel used to lead by... well... we weren't sure.  Nobody could tell what he was saying.  Good to know that Gardenhire leads by threats.  Young guys usually respond well to threats.

Anyway, onto the game.  The gametime temperature was 37 degrees.  I kept asking Gardy if he could get the stadium guys to close the roof, but he kept brushing me off.  Turns out it's not a good idea to interrupt him when he has a fresh stack of scratch off tickets.

So, roof open, we went through all the pageantry of Opening Day.  Target Field was packed.  Everybody on both teams was introduced and took their place along the first & third baselines.  Hell, there were even a pair of bald eagles that were released after the national anthem.  It was pretty cool, but frankly, if those birds truly loved America they would've attacked Jim Leyland the first chance they got.  Really dropped the ball on that one, baldies.

The game itself went pretty well.  The nerves got to me a little bit in the first, but I thought we played pretty well after that.  Eight hits and three runs given up in six innings may not sound so great, but you need to keep in mind that:

A) It was my first time starting in Opening Day
B) It was my first time pitching for the Twins
C) It was 37 degrees
D) Nobody told me I was allowed to wear sleeves.

Anyway, we had a chance to win it, but Chris Parmelee struck out swing at a pitch that missed the strike zone so badly that I actually caught it in the dugout.  Tough break.  Starting the season 0-1 means we're starting down the Road To .500 by killing the car.  It's alright, though.  It's a long year.

Tuesday, April 2nd

Off day.  Spent a lot of it just wandering downtown Minneapolis.  I was nearly killed by about a dozen people riding their bike on the sidewalk.  Kinda made me miss Philadelphia, as bikers on the sidewalk are routinely beaten out east.

Wednesday, April 3rd

Boom!  First win of the season!  The Road To .500 his off and running!

The boys managed to keep the game close before rallying in the ninth.  Eduardo Escobar ended up hitting  game-winning double of Phil Coke.  The excitement in the dugout quickly overtook the sense of confusion that came with seeing Escobar go up to hit, as nobody up to that point had every seen or heard of "Eduardo Escobar."

My rotation-mate Kevin Correia made his Twins debut just a day after mine.  We had a good chat about it after the game.

Me: Hey, Kevin.  Nice game.  This American League ball is something else, huh?
Correia: We're in the American League?
Me: Yeah, bud.  You didn't notice?
Correia: I was kind of wondering why I wasn't allowed to bat.
Me:  You're, uh, you're not the brightest guy, are you Kev?
Correia: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Me: Touche

Anyway, good to get the first win under our belts.  One more against the Tigers tomorrow.

Thursday, April 4th

We can rebuild him!  We have the technology!  Mike Pelfrey is the The Four Million Dollar Man!

Another big win for the boys today!  Mike Pelfrey returned only seven months after Tommy John surgery and threw 5 1/3 innings, giving up 5 hits and 2 runs.  The media made a big deal about Pelfrey telling Gardy ,"I'm a horse." when Gardy tried to take him out after the fifth, but they didn't get the whole story.  Here's how it played out.

Gardy: Nice work, Mike. We'll turn it over to the bullpen from here.
Pelfrey: No deal.  This is my game.  I'm a horse!
Gardy: Really?  If you were a horse they would have shot you when you blew out your elbow.
Pelfrey: You got me, Gardy.  No, I'm not literally a horse.  I meant that I can carry a large workload similar to the way a plowhorse could work in the field all day.
Gardy: You grew up on farm?
Pelfrey: No, skip.  It's just an expression.
Gardy:  Oh, I see.  So, you're not a horse and you didn't grow up on a farm?
Pelfrey: I'm actually terrified of horses.
Gardy: Good to know.

See, you're never too old to learn something new.

Anyway, we pulled out an 8-2 win on the strength of Josh Willingham & Trevor Plouffe home runs.  The Target Field fans really went nuts after the dingers.  Willingham explained their enthusiasm to me:

Me: The crowd sure loves the long ball, eh Willy?
Willingham: I told you not to talk to me back in Fort Myers.  You think just cause you pitched one game this is suddenly open fucking mic night?  Jesus Christ!  You talk to Willy when Willy says you can talk to Willy.
Me: Got it, Willy.
Willingham: Shut up.

2-1 after one series.  We've been getting all green lights on the Road To .500 so far.  Off to Baltimore!

Friday, April 5th

Another Opening Day.  I'll be honest, these Opening Day celebrations aren't much fun when you're the visiting team.  There's so much pomp & circumstance.  So many loud fans in the opposing stadium.  I suppose it doesn't help when Duensing keeps you up all night on the flight making you watch old episodes of The Wire to prep you for the trip to Baltimore.  "It's the best show ever, Vance!  Just watch it!  I swear to god, Worley, if you don't watch this show we got beef.  For the rest of this road trip you call me McNulty and I'll call you Rawls."  I learned down in Florida that it's best not to argue with Dunse Man.  He's typically too drunk to remember the conversation the next day anyway.

Well, once all the introductions were through we  played 7 innings of pretty good ball.  Liam Hendricks held up alright, but you know he's going to stay in the rotation since he saved Ron Gardenhire from all those wolves that time their plane crashed in the arctic circle.  Wait, did that happen?  God, I'm going to kill Duensing for keeping me up all night.

We went into the eighth inning with the lead, but then Tyler Robertson left a ball up to Chris Davis and he launched a grand slam.  That dude's been on fire lately.  Not Robertson.  I'm not even sure he could catch fire if he was covered in gasoline.  I mean Chris Davis.  He's bound to become a household name soon, if for no other reason than their are like 9,500 people in America named "Chris Davis."

When all was said and done the Orioles won 9-5.  What a way to make a living.

Saturday, April 6th

Game day for yours truly.  It was nice to take the hill in an east coast town again.  I'm always at my best when being bombarded with monosyllabic obscenities.  And that was just from Buck Showalter.  He's history's greatest monster.

I didn't have my best stuff, gave up 10 hits and 5 runs over 5 innings.  I know, I know, one of those runs wasn't "earned."  Listen, if I was on the mound when the run was scored than it was "earned."  I don't have any time for the subtleties of baseball's rules.  I have one rule: Get the W.

Well, we got the W thanks in no small part to Chris Davis booting a ball in the 9th inning.  It's not all home runs and wins is it now, glory boy?  Nope, putting on an Orioles jersey carries certain obligations and one of them is to make sure you piss away a winnable game every week.

Everybody was pretty jacked up in the clubhouse after the game.  Aaron Hicks, who reached base on Davis' error, was especially excited.  At least I think he was.  He wasn't weeping to himself in the corner, so I guess that's progress.  Rookies though...

I don't plan on pitching many more games that end 6-5, but if that's the way it has to be to get the W I'll take it.

Sunday, April 7th

I made a point of getting to Camden Yards early for this one.  Duensing kept me out all night eating crab cakes.  "We're only in Baltimore once a year, Rawls!  You gotta get these things while you can!"  I had to make sure I was up and moving around to work those things off.

I was hanging out around the cage when I overheard Aaron Hicks talking to Orioles center fielder Adam Jones:

Hicks: Hey man, good to meet you.  Been a fan for a while.
Jones:  Uh, hey, thanks...
(Hicks turns around to show Jones the back of his jersey.)
Jones: ...Hicks.  Thanks, Hicks.
Hicks: So, I've always wanted to ask you, what were you thinking when you made it rain in that strip club back in '07?
Jones: What?
Hicks: You know, during Super Bowl weekend when you threw all that money around the strip club.
Jones: Goddamnit!  I'm not Adam "Pacman" Jones.  I'm Adam Jones!
Hicks: Right, you're Adam Jones.
Jones: Yeah.
Hicks: Huh?
Jones: What?
Hicks: What?
Jones: Huh?
Hicks: Cool.

Hicks than promptly missed every pitch thrown to him during batting practice.  Rookies, man...

Anyway, we took a page out of the Orioles playbook and cashed another one-run win.  Pedro Hernandez made his season debut, pitching 5 strong innings before being pulled from the game when Gardy couldn't figure out who the hell he was.

Gardy: Cole, you look different.
Hernandez: I'm not Cole De Vries, skip.  I'm Pedro Hernandez.
Gardy: THE Pedro Hernadez?
Hernandez: Um... yes?
Gardy: I'm just kidding. If I actually kept track of every "Pedro Hernandez" I knew through baseball I wouldn't have any space left to remember my lucky lotto numbers.
Hernandez: Thanks, skip!

So that's one week down.  The record sits at 4-2 as we head off to Kansas City!  The Road To .500 has been traffic free so far! Talk to you next week!

Well there you have it, baseball fans!  The first week of Twins baseball is in the books and the Twins are rolling.  Big thanks to Not Vance Worley for stopping by and giving us his insider info.

For more Not Vance Worley be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TinyVancer).  He'll be joining us all season.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.