Well hello again, football fans! Welcome back to Ten & Six!
To the surprise of absolutely nobody with an IQ breaking 40 the Golden Gophers were thrashed by the Wisconsin Badgers at TCF Bank Stadium today. But fear not, Minnesotans! Christian Ponder will redeem our pride at Lambeau tomorrow!
Alright, that's probably not going to happen either.
Regardless! It's Packers Week and that means it's time to check in with our old buddy Mike Otto to get his take on what happened in Seattle last week and what we have to look forward to this week.
Mikey, thoughts?
Did I say 27-24? I meant 47-24!
Welcome back football fans! The Vikings end Week 11 only 15 spots out of the final playoff spot. They are so in the hunt...for the number one pick next year. If the season ended today, our beloved Purple would own the 2nd overall pick in the 2014 draft. Johnny Football, you will be ours!
Last week the Vikings were thoroughly dismantled in Seattle. Percy Harvin only touched the ball twice, but both touches reminded Minnesota fans exactly how much talent they lost when he was traded away last year. The Vikings managed to hang with the Seahawks for nearly an entire two quarters. Unfortunately, the modern NFL game stretches a span of FOUR quarters. Screwed on some bullshit technicality again.
Christian Ponder reminded us once again that he is in fact Christian Ponder. Adrian Peterson has a groin strain that makes him questionable for Sunday against the Packers. My plea to AP: PLEASE DO NOT play if you aren't 100% healthy. The squad doesn't even need you to beat a Rodgers-less Packers team anyway. Let Toby get in there and pinball around for a week. Of course he is going to play, because he's AP and you can't make him sit if he wants to go.
As for who will play quarterback, I'm not entirely sure at this point and I don't think the team really is either. My educated guess would be Matt Cassel, if only because the Vikings don't want to start Josh Freeman in a hostile environment again. What does it matter? The Dome will be plenty hostile as soon as he airmails his first pass to a wide open receiver. I think Cassel is the guy.
(Editor's Note: Mikey wrote this column on Wednesday only to have professional internet troll/amateur football coach Leslie Frazier announce Christian Ponder as the starter at Lambeau. Regardless, this paragraph is staying in because it remains a semi-valid point.)
One thing I am sure about, if Ponder doesn't get the nod in Green Bay, Seattle will be where his career as Vikings starting QB ended. Fitting, if you think about it, because you could point to last year's game against the Seahawks as the beginning of the end for young Mr. Ponder. Who says things don't come full circle?
Anyway, enough with that talk, more on the Vikings and Packers week later, lets get into some league picks! Last week my picks went 9-6, as I stay mired in mediocrity. I'm the Arizona Cardinals of picking football games right now and I don't like that one bit, so watch me try to fix it, only to throw 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. Lets go!
Tampa Bay (2-8) at Detroit (6-4)
The Bucs are on a surprising two game win streak, while the Lions played an uneven game in Pittsburgh last week which led to a loss. The Lions still hold the NFC North division lead, and, having already swept the season series against the Bears, they will hold the tiebreaker for the remainder of the year.
Don't let the last two wins fool you, Greg Schiano is still an idiot who likely will be gone at year's end. Darrelle Revis needs to consider locking down his hairline, as it continues to go deeper and deeper into his forehead. Eh? See what I did there? Lions win 26-17.
Jacksonville (1-9) at Houston (2-8)
I think it would be more entertaining if we took the 11 most depressed fans of these teams and made them play four quarters on Sunday. Give the professionals a week off, let them play some golf, rest their bones. Winners get to go out peacefully, losers get put in a giant iron box in the hot Texas sun.
All the Texans have at this point is JJ Watt and Andre Johnson. Too bad JJ can't play QB or CB as well as DE.
I'm rooting for the Jaguars to win, because I want my team to nab that #1 pick. That's right folks, it's come to rooting for the Jaguars. Dark Times. Rooting aside, I don't think the Texans can lose this one. A " Case Keenum" is better than a "Blaine Gabbert," right? What a terrible question. Texans win a close one, 20-17.
San Diego (4-6) at Kansas City (9-1)
I've never been more sure that the Chiefs will be a top AFC seed in the playoffs...that will lose in the divisional round. Defense used to win championships. Now only once-in-a-generation defenses win championships. You need the offensive firepower to go with it, and I'm sorry, Alex Smith, Dwayne Bowe, and Jamaal Charles isn't going to be enough. No matter how many times Dwayne Bowe goes puff, puff, pass reception, it won't get the job done. That being said, they will beat the Chargers this week. I mean, c'mon it's Phillip Rivers. Chiefs win, 23-16.
Carolina (7-3) at Miami (5-5)
The Panthers are looking like the surprise team of the year and I'm OK with this. I've been a Steve Smith fan for years. I love how he gets in opponents heads and gets them off their game as a result. That's called veteran savvy. "HA HA! Ice up son!" That was just fantastic. Aqib Talib, salt in your wounds. Cam Newton looks like he has returned to the form of his rookie year. The biggest thing for Killa Cam is playing with confidence and right now he has swag in abundance. The league should take notice. Panthers win, 31-21.
Pittsburgh (4-6) at Cleveland (4-6)
The Steelers have looked like a better team in recent weeks. The offensive line is giving The Rapistberger a little time in the pocket and as a result the passing game is clicking. Antonio Brown is a top three receiver in the NFL at this moment and he carved up the Lions badly, eclipsing 100 yards and scoring 2 TD's in the first quarter. The Steelers, who looked lost at the beginning of the year, should easily dispatch the Browns in this one. Steelers win, 23-13.
Chicago (6-4) at St. Louis (4-6)
The Bears kept themselves in the thick of the division race with a nice win over the Ravens last week. What really hurts is the realization that Josh McCown would be the best quarterback on the Vikings roster. The Bears game was suspended for nearly 2 hours due to severe weather and the grass at Soldier Field looked more like mud after play resumed. The Bears handled the horrible field well, and got the "W" as a result.
Honestly, from week to week, I forget the St. Louis Rams exist. Bears win, 22-21.
New York Jets (5-5) at Baltimore (4-6)
I'm begging the Ravens to throw some dirt on the Jets season. They have been thrown in the hole numerous times this year, only to climb out with a victory the following week. My sanity would greatly benefit from a three or four game Jets losing streak, and maybe Rex Ryan tearing an ACL while getting up to grab another plate at Old Country Buffet. That tattoo of a sexy woman in a Mark Sanchez jersey is probably scheduled to get removed in the offseason. Word to the wise Rex, never draft a USC QB and get his number tatted on you. Actually, just never draft a USC QB. C'MON RAVENS! Ravens win it (please, dear God) 26-21.
Tennessee (4-6) at Oakland (4-6)
The Jake Locker is upset with the "injury prone" designation he has been given. Shout out to Locker, you weren't just given that designation, you earned that shit.
Matt McGloin got the start last week for the Raiders and that sounds just about right doesn't it? McGloin! Stop jerking it and get back out on that field! You're due for another fumble. I hate to say this, but doesn't Christian Ponder look like a future Oakland Raiders back-up QB? He reminds me of a Bruce Gradkowski.
Ryan Fitzpatrick has an admirable crazy beard, especially for a Stanford graduate. You'd be crazy too if you were Ryan Fitzpatrick. Titans get a win, 19-17.
Indianapolis (7-3) at Arizona (6-4)
The Cardinals are the quietest 6-4 team in the NFL. Michael Floyd finally did something in the NFL last week and has generally shown signs he is trending in the right direction this year. The Honey Badger looks to be a legitimate talent at safety. Things are going well right now for the Cardinals which means one thing: this can't last. The Colts come to town and if good Andrew Luck shows up the Cards will lose this one. I think good Andy comes to town and the Colts win, 27-24.
Dallas (5-5) at New York Giants (4-6)
The Cowboys are going to lose this game. I am almost positive about this one. My reasoning? It's almost December and Jerry Jones still has his icy cold hands all over "America's Team." That really is the best name for the Cowboys. They are wildly inconsistent, mildly dysfunctional, and have put too much power in the wrong people's hands. America's Team indeed. Tom Coughlin is a rotten old fuck too, don't get me wrong, but I think he's the rotten old fuck that comes out on top this week. Giants win 24-23.
Denver (9-1) at New England (7-3)
The Patriots think they got jobbed by the refs on Monday night. That's cute. Sorry, but the "Tuck Rule" karma combined with the "Spygate" karma means you don't get to say shit about anything until the year 2020. At least.
Seriously though, the audacity of Patriots fans to cry about that one. A kid born in Boston by the year 2000 has already lived to witness a total of 6 championships won by their city's teams. So do everyone else a favor, Patriots fans, and fuck off. Nobody cares about your whiny bullshit. Hey here's an idea, maybe Gronk should run a better route or Brady should throw a better pass in the final play of that game. Then you might have some ground to stand on. You fucks. Broncos win 33-31.
San Francisco (6-4) at Washington (3-7)
Washington fans have been complaining about the play of RG III. They wanted him benched in the last game in favor of Kirk Cousins. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Be grateful for what you have. This dude put your team on the map last year and he is your only hope for future success. He also continues to sacrifice his body and take a brutal beating week after week in an effort to make your miserable team worth anything. You dislike his play that much? The Vikings will give you Ponder for him, probably our 1st round pick too. No? Don't want to do that? Shut the fuck up then and put a team around you QB that does his numerous talents justice. Assholes. Niners win 26-20.
That's that! On to the main event! Christian Ponder is holding a press conference Wednesday afternoon, which is a sneaky tell that he will be starting at Lambeau field. Nothing makes sense to me anymore, but hey, fuck it. Let's break this mess down!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-8) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-5)
I hate everything.
Leslie Frazier has decided that Christian Ponder gives the Vikings the "best chance to win." If that is the case, why even bother showing up? Well, because the Packers will be starting J.R.R. Tolkien at quarterback, or something like that. It's sure to be a terribly boring game that only the suckers from Minnesota and Wisconsin will be watching.
I want this one bad. My opinion is Matt Cassel would give the Vikings the best chance to win, but what do I know? I'd rather have Josh Freeman start. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? FUCKING JOSH FREEMAN! Diseased.
Before I get into the showdown at Lambeau lets look at some positive(s) and negatives from last week in Seattle. As always, the positive(s) first.
Positive(s):
-Jarius Wright He had a two TD game and looks like he really needs snaps to stay interested and be effective. He's not the kind of guy that can get five snaps a game and make something of it. Too bad the Vikings don't have a quarterback that can consistently handle 4-Wide sets. Going forward I'd like to see him get more spells of Greg Jennings so he can be on the field for t least 15-20 plays. It's not like Jennings is doing a whole hell of a lot anyway.
Negatives:
-Fucking Ponder! "He had a great first half," people say. FUCK THAT. He threw what should have been a pick-six that hit a Seattle linebacker between the numbers in the first half. If dude catches that pathetic pass and takes it to the house say "bye bye" to that "great" first half. "But he stuck a touchdown on Richard Sherman," people say. FUCK THAT. That ball was underthrown and Jarius Wright had to stop running and wait for it, almost giving Sherman time to get back in the play and break it up. Even when Ponder plays his best (which involves an incredible amount of luck) he still fucking sucks.
-The Coaching Staff I have supported Leslie Frazier as long as I could. If he and his staff aren't gone at year's end I might fucking lose it. I can't write about Bill Musgrave game plans for another year. I want Johnny Football and I want Johnny Gruden to go with him. Two Johnnys a playoff team would make. No Johnnys my own life I may take. OK, I don't care that much but, God, I can't watch this shit much longer.
Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:
Key #1: Destroy Tokien's Confidence Into A Million Little Pieces First Chance You Get
Seriously, fuck this guy. If the Vikings can't get some goddamn picks against this idiot noodle-armed rookie they couldn't intercept a pass from my Granny. Having watched a couple games of Tolkien passes I've come to the conclusion he has the football skills of a Hobbit without any of the heart that comes with being a Halfling. Sack him, strip him, destroy his life, I don't care what it takes but get in his head early and he will crumble. Send this little bitch back to the Shire then burn it down.
Key #2: Stop Eddie Lacy
It seems like an unlikely proposition that this can happen. The Vikings D-Line is weak, their linebackers are slow and/or stupid and the secondary couldn't tackle a power back if their lives depended on it. That being said, stopping Eddie Lacy is imperative to having any chance of victory. Tolkien's only chance of getting going is if he has a run game working to make the play-action effective. It's all horribly connected and will probably make me want to murder things come Sunday. Fuck.
Key #3: Bench Ponder After His Inevitable First Quarter Interception
Getting Ponder out of the game as quickly as possible gives the Vikings their best chance to win. Let's all hope his first dropback goes for a touchdown to the wrong team and Leslie Frazier has the balls to yank him right then and there. Cassel can come back from being down 7 points, any more than that he will flounder miserably. I hate you, Christian Ponder. I don't want you to get hit by a bus or anything, but I actively root for your unquestionable failure.
Two Matchups To Watch:
Matchup #1: Jordy Nelson vs. Xavier Rhodes
Forget that "Jordy" is a better name for a dog than a person, he can be one of the best in the business. Surprise, he hasn't done much since Aaron Rodgers went down. He also hasn't faced a secondary quite this bad yet. Something has to give. The rookie corner has yet to get an interception in the NFL and I don't want this season to end without him nabbing one. Against the Packers rookie QB, he may have his best chance of the year.
Matchup #2: Eddy Lacy vs. The Vikings Linebackers
The Vikings LB's have been frequently taken advantage of like a freshman in college with a drinking problem. They are always a second late, a step slow, and it has shown game after game as opposing running backs easily pick up 5 or 6 yards with every touch. It has been incredibly frustrating to watch slightly above-average running backs do whatever they want. Unless a Vikings lineman breaks through and makes a play in the backfield, run plays are going for significant positive yardage. There have been very few 1 yard gains by opposing running backs. Historically, when the Vikings are having success, they hold teams under 100 yards rushing. That hasn't happened much this year.
Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Game
Marcus Sherels, cornerback/punt returner, YOUR Minnesota Vikings
Yes, it's come to this. Tolkien is a shitty quarterback, there is no question about that. He is going to throw at least one pick, and I think Marcus Sherels is the guy to nab it. Also, in the event the Vikings force a punt out of the Packers, look for Marcus to make some noise. 4 tackles/1 Interception.
Final Takes
This is going to be one clunker of a game. Cold weather, two shitty quarterbacks and two highly questionable defenses. Wouldn't be surprised if this one was low scoring.
I said last week Ponder wouldn't finish the game in Seattle and I was right. I'm sensing something very similar in this game. Whether he leaves the game because he gets hurt or simply because he starts being Christian Ponder at some point doesn't really matter.
I can't remember the last time I've been this apathetic about Packers Week. Yeah, I hope the Vikings win (and I will thoroughly taunt everything about this game), but if they lose I'm not going to cut my wrists. Or break a plate. Or scream at the TV. I'll probably just shrug my shoulders and walk away.
One thing I have become very passionate about is my belief that Leslie Frazier must go at year's end. He's a great guy, but a below average coach. He got to 10-6 last year with one of the most epic seasons by a running back in NFL history. That has never been more apparent than it is now. Close game, sloppy game, shitty result.
Final Score
Minnesota Vikings: 17
Green Bay Packers: 20
There you have it, Vikings fans! A prediction of disappointment and a promise of safe wrists. That's what this year's Vikings season has come to. Look on the bright side - at least you're not a poorly dressed fat ass with a lazy eye.
For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin on a Sunday. He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.
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