Well hello again, fooball fans! Welcome to Ten & Six: Week 11!
The Vikings are riding high after defeating the Redskins last Thursday night. This week they find themselves in Seattle, the sight of last season's lowest moment of the year. They'll be squaring off against former teammate Percy Harvin, All-American boy Russell Wilson, and head coach Pete Carroll, history's greatest monster.
Mikey, what do we have to look forward to this week?
Welcome back football fans!
It was a wild week in the NFL and my picks went 8-6 as a result. Not terrible but well below the accuracy I strive for. That has been the story of my prognostication season thus far, so lets see if I can change some things this week. Lets make some picks!
New York Jets (5-4) at Buffalo (3-7)
Welcome young and old, to the 2013 Shitbowl Of The Northeast!
This yawner certainly means something to someone somewhere, but absolutely nothing to this guy right here. Almost less than nothing. If you told me tomorrow that the Bills and Jets ceased to exist any longer on our plane of reality, I would shrug my shoulders and go about my day without any second thought of it.
One thing I have learned. If anything goes wrong in your life, it makes you feel better to blame Rex Ryan. Jets win (tries to scrub dirt off, can't scrub hard enough) 20-16.
Atlanta (2-7) at Tampa Bay (1-8)
The Falcons and Texans fanbases should play a pick up basketball game with the winner being awarded the Saddest Fan Base Of 2013 trophy.
Expectations for the Falcons was sky high this year and don't look now, but they have no more wins than our beloved Purple.
The Bucs are riding a high after their win against the controversy-maligned Dolphins. It would have been funny if the Bucs fired Shiano after his first win just to shake things up and further confuse their elderly fan base. I saw what a Mike Glennon looks like without a helmet on for the 1st time on Monday night and Jesus Christ! He looks like one of Santa's elves spawned with a Scandinavian farm hand. Falcons win 19-17.
Detroit (6-3) at Pittsburgh (3-6)
So Big Ben might be unhappy in the Steel City? Maybe what's really bothering Ben is the fact his second kid is on the way and his days of groping 4-out-of-10's are long gone. His rape scope is dusty and on the shelf. His hands aren't nearly as clammy as they used to be. He just isn't the same guy anymore. Sure, he's still a big tall idiot, but that's not unique! God, I'd want a change of scenery too. Stay the fuck out of Minnesota, Rapistberger! Lions win 27-17 and strengthen their hold on the NFC North lead. Nobody has had to write that sentence since 1991.
Washington (3-6) at Philadelphia (5-5)
The NFC East is pathetic and still very much up for grabs mainly because everyone in the division is marginal at best. I can't wait for the Cowboys to choke this division away in December, and that will happen. It doesn't really matter who comes out of the NFC East, they are going to be one and done.
Personally, I think it's going to be the Eagles, which may upset a certain great bulk buying mind I know, but hey, the truth hurts, I keep it real. Disregard the last sentence if you were at all confused by it. Also, frig off, ten people who read this column and didn't understand that. WE DON'T NEED YOU. Just kidding, I desperately need you, don't judge me IT'S JUST A COUPLE DRINKS OK?!?!? I HAVE CATS I'M NOT REALLY DRINKING ALONE! Eagles win 28-27.
Arizona (4-6) at Jacksonville (1-8)
Could it be two in a row for the Jags? No, no it can't.
Worth noting: The Jaguars last 2 wins have come against the Titans though. Getting owned by the Jags hurts.
The Cards defense is far to good to lose this game, and the Jags defense could make Scott Tolzien look like a decent QB. Larry Fitzgerald and Carson Palmer could probably win this game by themselves without an offensive line. I think the Jags got their only win of the year last week. Cards win easy 24-10.
Oakland (3-6) at Houston (2-7)
I kind of like this scrappy Raiders team. They aren't going to the playoffs or anything close, but they seem to be heading in a positive direction. They've been in most every game, some of them against quality teams.
They run into a Texans team that is hungry for a win and starving for decent quarterback play. Detective Case Keenum can't seem to solve an NFL defense, or the mystery of the Central Park Strangler. You're about to ride the pine, Keenum! Texans pull out a win 16-13.
Baltimore (4-5) at Chicago (5-4)
Jay Cutler looked like an old man last week. Bum groin, bum ankle, bum brain, just BUM. He was obviously playing hurt and didn't get the win he so desperately wanted. I would bet Josh McCown starts this weekend and, going up against Joe Flacco, I actually like his chances.
The Ravens have struggled to string together multiple wins all year, and Flacco has looked pedestrian. Almost like they are still celebrating their championship from last year. Bears get the "W", 24-21.
Cleveland (4-5) at Cincinnati (6-4)
I really used up my reservoir of Ohio jokes the first time these two teams met. Amateur mistake. Can't blow the whole load at once, daddy might get called on again later. Yeah, shit just got weird.
The Bengals lost a game that the Ravens tried to give them a few different ways. Every time I see Marvin Lewis patrolling the Bengals sideline, I am, at first, fucking amazed, and second, impressed. He has held an icy, death-like grip on an often terrible franchise through all the bullshit, Chad Johnson Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Carson Palmer, Akili Smith...ok not Akili Smith but it sure seems like it! Good on you, Marv. Bengals win 26-20.
San Diego (4-5) at Miami (4-5)
Richie Incognito should have acted more like his name suggests. The Dolphins offensive line is in shambles and it was easily noticeable in their loss to the lowly Buccaneers. Tannehill was under constant pressure to produce, and not just by that wife of his. The result was about what you would expect, abject failure. Tannehill is a poor man's Phillip Rivers at best, and that isn't a great recipe for success. Chargers win one on the road, 23-16.
Green Bay (5-4) at New York Giants (3-6)
The only good news for the Packers is Clay Matthews doesn't have to wear that ridiculous club on his right hand that rendered him about as useful as you would expect a one-armed linebacker to be. Aaron Rodgers said he finally was able to sleep through the night. It's unknown if he was being woken up due to pain from his injury or from the Mike McCarthy sexually-based night terrors he has suffered from since being drafted. Eli and the Giants win a close one, 20-19.
San Francisco (6-3) at New Orleans (7-2)
The Niners could easily be looking at their second loss in a row if Colin Kaepernick can't find a way out of this sophomore slump he has been mired in ever since dominating the Packers in the opening week.
Drew Brees is definitely not a sophomore and not in any sort of slump. the man is five feet ten inches of unstoppable quarterbacking fury. What would the Dolphins be like today if they had went after Brees instead of Daunte Culpepper all those year ago? Ha ha, sorry to twist that old rusty knife Dolphins fans, but Christ, your team fucked that one up. Kaepernick can't find his stride, saints win 31-20.
Kansas City (9-0) at Denver (8-1)
The game of the week! Peyton Manning took a beating last weekend and got an MRI that came back negative for any type of personality.
Dwayne Bowe, on the other hand, now there's a guy with some edge to him. Bowe was picked up for littering and, littering and, littering and...SMOKING THE REEFER. A little pot. Big deal. Wait, it was how much pot? Damn Dwayne! Wassup big dog holler, at your boy!
Alex Smith is going to have to throw a couple passing touchdowns to hang with the Peytie Manny and well, he certainly is due for a multi-touchdown game. It's going to be a close one and fun to watch, I think Manning gets knocked around early and thrown off his game, but battles back in the 4th to get the "W". Broncos win 29-27.
New England (7-2) at Carolina (6-3)
That Panthers defense has been playing out of their minds ever since the Vikings game, their Front 7 in particular. Not to mention they have the best "guy that sounds like a horse" in the league, Captain Muderland. Annnd DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!!!
If Killa Cam can upstage Captain America on national TV, the Panthers will all but solidify their status as a legitimate threat to make some noise in the playoffs. I'm as shocked as anybody that Ron Rivera is finding success this season, but I don't think there is another team in the league where said success has so little to do with coaching. With the Panthers defense flying around like it is, you don't need the gameplan to be as sound as say, the Cleveland Browns do, to win a game. The Panthers hot streak keeps rolling and they win 20-17.
That's it, folks. On to the main event!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-7) at SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9-1)
The Vikings actually managed to win a game! The streets were rich with purple celebration after last Thursdays victory and the Vikings got to enjoy a long weekend off to rest up, relax, or get DWI's.
Christian Ponder played his best game of the year and got a little bit banged up in the process. With the long week to heal it looks as though young Mr. Ponder will wear a harness on his left shoulder and give it a go. Yipee. Hooray. WOO-FUCKING-HOO!
Now that I've got my excitement under control I think we're ready to look at some positive(s) and negatives from the game against Warshington. As always, the positive(s) first.
Positive(s):
-Litchfield's Own Jon Carlson! After his 7 catch, 98 yard performance, Jon Carlson has officially become the most successful thing to ever come out of Litchfield. It only took him two and a half years to produce anything worthwhile for this team so let's all give him a nice pat on the back.
-Adrian Peterson He is leading the league with 9 rushing touchdowns and really put the team on his back in the 4th quarter. He drained the clock with punishing runs, weakening the defense in the process. Without this guy on the team, the Vikings wouldn't have a single win, much less a gaudy TWO wins. The heart and soul of this team deserves a nod every week.
-Ponder I begrudgingly add him to this list of positives even though he didn't finish the game, he showed a lot of heart and even a little personality. It was a nice change of pace from the tasteless box of mashed potatoes we usually get from Ponder. Now who knows, if Ponder plays the 4th quarter he might throw a pick six or do something else ridiculously Ponder-esque but we can't necessarily hold that against him. He played his first three solid quarters of football since last year.
Negatives:
-Same Old Shit The defense went into some type of zone prevent and was 6 yards away from completely crumbling once again. Erin Henderson got away with holding in the end zone which would have put the ball on the one yard line. This coaching staff does not handle late game situations well at all. What else is new?
-Leslie Frazier's Final-Minute Time Out I will give him this, it was really fucking gutsy to call that time out. He was watching Washington march down the field with ease and he says his guys were gassed. OK, I believe you. If he takes that time out and the Redskins score on the next play, I don't think Leslie Frazier is the head coach for this game. An unconventional choice for sure, and all is well that ends well, but your goddamn defense should be playing in a scheme that gets a stop before the fucking goal line.
-Josh Freeman's Movember "Mustache" I've seen thicker hair on a cancer patient. That pube-stache was so very disappointing. I'm just thankful that November is half over already.
Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:
Key #1: Force Some Turnovers
Seattle is simply going to destroy time of possession unless the Vikings can get some fumble recoveries or interceptions. The Vikings need to average one take away a quarter and finish AT LEAST +2 in the take/give to even have a chance in this game. It would also help if Ponder threw for more than 60 yards this time around.
Key #2: Score A Special Teams Touchdown
The Vikings need points from every unit if they are going to win. Cordarrelle Patterson or Marcus Sherels need to take a kickoff/punt to the house. Not only is it quick points, but provides a real spark and swings momentum to the Vikings side. This would also be a great game for the Vikings second defensive touchdown of the year so, if anybody wanted to make that happen, it'd be great.
Key #3: Get Really Fucking Lucky
The Vikings are going to need every bounce to go their way in order to win. Every stupid penalty, missed field goal, dropped pass has to go in the Purple's favor. Aside from all that, the Vikings only need to play a perfect fucking game and they should be just fine.
Two Matchups To Watch:
Matchup #1: Percy Harvin vs. His Old Squad
Percy last played an NFL game in Seattle ironically, as a member of the Vikings. We all remember that game. Ponder sucked, Percy blew up on Leslie on the sideline and he never took another snap in Purple. Harvin was traded to the Seahawks, and has yet to suit up for them while recovering from hip surgery.
As I predicted in my Vikings Season Preview, this would be Harvin's first game back (That's just about the only thing I predicted correctly in that preview). Well that prediction has come to fruition, and it adds a certain level of intrigue to what would normally be thought of as an easy NFL blowout.
One of the main reasons I think the Vikings have a chance in this one is because a lot of the guys on this team want to stick it to Percy. Spite and revenge are some great motivators. I guarantee all Ponder has been thinking about is out-performing Russell Wilson and showing Percy a thing or two. I think Percy's snaps will be limited in order to ease him back in, but if the Vikings showcase the tackling they did in the first half against Washington, Percy Harvin (and Marshawn Lynch) are going to do whatever they want. It should be interesting, I know I will be watching closely.
Matchup #2: Cordarrelle Patterson vs. Richard Sherman & Co.
The rookie is likely to get his 1st start in the NFL due to Jerome "Where's My Mirror" Simpson's arrest and I'm excited to see what he does with increased in-game snaps. I have high hopes for this kid, and I think we are looking at the Vikings future #1 wide receiver. If he can have a solid game against this defense, he can do it against anyone in the NFL. It's a tough first start for the rookie but I think he has a couple big plays on Sunday.
Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week
Adrian Peterson, running back, YOUR Minnesota Vikings!
He went for 180 and two TD's last year in the same stadium and AP has had to listen to comparisons to Marshawn Lynch all week. AP will be out to prove just why he is the best back in football. 120 Yards/2TD.
Final Takes
On paper, the Vikings are set to get absolutely destroyed by the Seahawks.
This game is going to have a high level of intensity, I think it's going to be closer than many people think, even into the 4th quarter.
The odds are stacked against our beloved Purple an I wouldn't be surprised if they lost by two TD's. I also wouldn't be surprised if they lost on a last second field goal/touchdown. I will however, be very surprised if the Vikings find a way to pull this one out.
Ponder plays better than his last trip to Seattle, but I don't think he finishes the game either. He is going to get hit often and I think one of those hits will knock him out of the contest. Vikings perform admirably, but fall short.
Final Score
Minnesota Vikings: 24
Seattle Seahawks: 27
There you have it, folks! A tough loss for The Purple in Seattle. Look on the bright side, though: At least you don't live in Seattle.
For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin on a Sunday. He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.
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