World Of Worley: Week #1

I'm not a player I just crush a lot...

Hello again, baseball fans!  Welcome to World Of Worley!

For those of you who missed our initial installment, here's what you're looking at:  Each week during this Twins season we'll be joined by Twins starting pitcher Not Vance Worley.  Not Vance we'll be giving us his thoughts and insights as the Twins navigate the 2013 season.

So, Not Vance, the first two series of the season are in the books.  What do you think!

Hey Twins fans!  Thanks for stopping by!  As I mentioned last week, I'm kind of new to this whole "blogger" thing, so you'll have to bear with me.  It was an exciting week to be a Twin as we opened the season at Target Field against the Tigers and then flew out to Baltimore to do battle with the O's.

I had a lot of fun this week, so let's get to it!

April 1st: Opening Day

I'll be honest, I was pretty excited when Gardy told me I was going to be the Opening Day starter at Target Field against the Tigers.  I haven't been named an opening day starter since my high school days in Sacramento.  I used to clean up in those days, racking up three wins, tossing two no-hitters, and hitting 4 home runs over those three years.  I was really hoping to replicate that performance against the Tigers.  Turns out the Tigers are a slightly better squad than the South Sacramento Capitals.  Slightly.

The day started off well enough.  I went out to get my morning coffee on the walk to the ballpark and saw my handsome mug on the header of something called "The Star-Tribune."  Based on the fact that they're putting my face on the front page I can only assume that this newspaper is a bastion of integrity and the pride of the community.  I'm sure they're big Twins supporters too.

I bought five copies of the paper (four for me and one for my mom.  She loves when I send her newspaper clippings because she's terrified of the "inter-web.") and grabbed a coffee from something called "Caribou Coffee."  What's that all about, Minnesota?  Do you guys just use moose to sell everything?

Anyway, I made my way to the ballpark and everybody was pretty excited.  It was Opening Day, after all!  Brian Dozier was lifting some weights, Joe Mauer was stoically taking extra cuts in the cage, and Brian Duensing was shotgunning beers and challenging anybody who looked at him sideways to wrestling matches.  At one point he went up to Wilkin Ramirez and yelled, "Hey Dub-Ram!  It's Opening fucking Day rookie!  Have a beer and let's do this!."

Wilkin seemed a little put off, as his English is not great, but he took a beer from Dunse Man.  "Gracias." 

"Drink that up, young'n!  We gon' wrestle!"

Dub Ram looked confused, but fortunately Gardy came in and settled everybody down before we took the field.

Gardy: Take a knee, boys.
Jamey Carroll:  Coach, we have chairs.  Could we just stay on these chairs?
Gardy:  Don't undermine me, old man.  Dunse Man, toss me a beer.

(catches can, cracks beer, drinks deeply)

Gardy: Ugh... hair of the dog.  Alright boys, this is a big year for the Twins.  We've had a couple of down years and the fans have grown a little restless.  Now, I'm not saying we have to go out and win the World Series.  Hell, we don't even have to make the playoffs.  Just know that Terry Ryan and I have a gentleman's agreement that if I don't get this squad pointed in the right direction I'll be leaving at the end of the year.  So I want all of you to remember one thing:

(swigs deeply, finishing the beer)

Gardy: If I go down I'm bringing every last one of you with me.  Trust me, half of you guys don't even belong in the big leagues and if I don't have your back nobody does.  Now limber up, we've got a game to win.

Inspiring words.  Some managers lead by example, some lead by kindness, hell, back in Philadelphia Charlie Manuel used to lead by... well... we weren't sure.  Nobody could tell what he was saying.  Good to know that Gardenhire leads by threats.  Young guys usually respond well to threats.

Anyway, onto the game.  The gametime temperature was 37 degrees.  I kept asking Gardy if he could get the stadium guys to close the roof, but he kept brushing me off.  Turns out it's not a good idea to interrupt him when he has a fresh stack of scratch off tickets.

So, roof open, we went through all the pageantry of Opening Day.  Target Field was packed.  Everybody on both teams was introduced and took their place along the first & third baselines.  Hell, there were even a pair of bald eagles that were released after the national anthem.  It was pretty cool, but frankly, if those birds truly loved America they would've attacked Jim Leyland the first chance they got.  Really dropped the ball on that one, baldies.

The game itself went pretty well.  The nerves got to me a little bit in the first, but I thought we played pretty well after that.  Eight hits and three runs given up in six innings may not sound so great, but you need to keep in mind that:

A) It was my first time starting in Opening Day
B) It was my first time pitching for the Twins
C) It was 37 degrees
D) Nobody told me I was allowed to wear sleeves.

Anyway, we had a chance to win it, but Chris Parmelee struck out swing at a pitch that missed the strike zone so badly that I actually caught it in the dugout.  Tough break.  Starting the season 0-1 means we're starting down the Road To .500 by killing the car.  It's alright, though.  It's a long year.

Tuesday, April 2nd

Off day.  Spent a lot of it just wandering downtown Minneapolis.  I was nearly killed by about a dozen people riding their bike on the sidewalk.  Kinda made me miss Philadelphia, as bikers on the sidewalk are routinely beaten out east.

Wednesday, April 3rd

Boom!  First win of the season!  The Road To .500 his off and running!

The boys managed to keep the game close before rallying in the ninth.  Eduardo Escobar ended up hitting  game-winning double of Phil Coke.  The excitement in the dugout quickly overtook the sense of confusion that came with seeing Escobar go up to hit, as nobody up to that point had every seen or heard of "Eduardo Escobar."

My rotation-mate Kevin Correia made his Twins debut just a day after mine.  We had a good chat about it after the game.

Me: Hey, Kevin.  Nice game.  This American League ball is something else, huh?
Correia: We're in the American League?
Me: Yeah, bud.  You didn't notice?
Correia: I was kind of wondering why I wasn't allowed to bat.
Me:  You're, uh, you're not the brightest guy, are you Kev?
Correia: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Me: Touche

Anyway, good to get the first win under our belts.  One more against the Tigers tomorrow.

Thursday, April 4th

We can rebuild him!  We have the technology!  Mike Pelfrey is the The Four Million Dollar Man!

Another big win for the boys today!  Mike Pelfrey returned only seven months after Tommy John surgery and threw 5 1/3 innings, giving up 5 hits and 2 runs.  The media made a big deal about Pelfrey telling Gardy ,"I'm a horse." when Gardy tried to take him out after the fifth, but they didn't get the whole story.  Here's how it played out.

Gardy: Nice work, Mike. We'll turn it over to the bullpen from here.
Pelfrey: No deal.  This is my game.  I'm a horse!
Gardy: Really?  If you were a horse they would have shot you when you blew out your elbow.
Pelfrey: You got me, Gardy.  No, I'm not literally a horse.  I meant that I can carry a large workload similar to the way a plowhorse could work in the field all day.
Gardy: You grew up on farm?
Pelfrey: No, skip.  It's just an expression.
Gardy:  Oh, I see.  So, you're not a horse and you didn't grow up on a farm?
Pelfrey: I'm actually terrified of horses.
Gardy: Good to know.

See, you're never too old to learn something new.

Anyway, we pulled out an 8-2 win on the strength of Josh Willingham & Trevor Plouffe home runs.  The Target Field fans really went nuts after the dingers.  Willingham explained their enthusiasm to me:

Me: The crowd sure loves the long ball, eh Willy?
Willingham: I told you not to talk to me back in Fort Myers.  You think just cause you pitched one game this is suddenly open fucking mic night?  Jesus Christ!  You talk to Willy when Willy says you can talk to Willy.
Me: Got it, Willy.
Willingham: Shut up.

2-1 after one series.  We've been getting all green lights on the Road To .500 so far.  Off to Baltimore!

Friday, April 5th

Another Opening Day.  I'll be honest, these Opening Day celebrations aren't much fun when you're the visiting team.  There's so much pomp & circumstance.  So many loud fans in the opposing stadium.  I suppose it doesn't help when Duensing keeps you up all night on the flight making you watch old episodes of The Wire to prep you for the trip to Baltimore.  "It's the best show ever, Vance!  Just watch it!  I swear to god, Worley, if you don't watch this show we got beef.  For the rest of this road trip you call me McNulty and I'll call you Rawls."  I learned down in Florida that it's best not to argue with Dunse Man.  He's typically too drunk to remember the conversation the next day anyway.

Well, once all the introductions were through we  played 7 innings of pretty good ball.  Liam Hendricks held up alright, but you know he's going to stay in the rotation since he saved Ron Gardenhire from all those wolves that time their plane crashed in the arctic circle.  Wait, did that happen?  God, I'm going to kill Duensing for keeping me up all night.

We went into the eighth inning with the lead, but then Tyler Robertson left a ball up to Chris Davis and he launched a grand slam.  That dude's been on fire lately.  Not Robertson.  I'm not even sure he could catch fire if he was covered in gasoline.  I mean Chris Davis.  He's bound to become a household name soon, if for no other reason than their are like 9,500 people in America named "Chris Davis."

When all was said and done the Orioles won 9-5.  What a way to make a living.

Saturday, April 6th

Game day for yours truly.  It was nice to take the hill in an east coast town again.  I'm always at my best when being bombarded with monosyllabic obscenities.  And that was just from Buck Showalter.  He's history's greatest monster.

I didn't have my best stuff, gave up 10 hits and 5 runs over 5 innings.  I know, I know, one of those runs wasn't "earned."  Listen, if I was on the mound when the run was scored than it was "earned."  I don't have any time for the subtleties of baseball's rules.  I have one rule: Get the W.

Well, we got the W thanks in no small part to Chris Davis booting a ball in the 9th inning.  It's not all home runs and wins is it now, glory boy?  Nope, putting on an Orioles jersey carries certain obligations and one of them is to make sure you piss away a winnable game every week.

Everybody was pretty jacked up in the clubhouse after the game.  Aaron Hicks, who reached base on Davis' error, was especially excited.  At least I think he was.  He wasn't weeping to himself in the corner, so I guess that's progress.  Rookies though...

I don't plan on pitching many more games that end 6-5, but if that's the way it has to be to get the W I'll take it.

Sunday, April 7th

I made a point of getting to Camden Yards early for this one.  Duensing kept me out all night eating crab cakes.  "We're only in Baltimore once a year, Rawls!  You gotta get these things while you can!"  I had to make sure I was up and moving around to work those things off.

I was hanging out around the cage when I overheard Aaron Hicks talking to Orioles center fielder Adam Jones:

Hicks: Hey man, good to meet you.  Been a fan for a while.
Jones:  Uh, hey, thanks...
(Hicks turns around to show Jones the back of his jersey.)
Jones: ...Hicks.  Thanks, Hicks.
Hicks: So, I've always wanted to ask you, what were you thinking when you made it rain in that strip club back in '07?
Jones: What?
Hicks: You know, during Super Bowl weekend when you threw all that money around the strip club.
Jones: Goddamnit!  I'm not Adam "Pacman" Jones.  I'm Adam Jones!
Hicks: Right, you're Adam Jones.
Jones: Yeah.
Hicks: Huh?
Jones: What?
Hicks: What?
Jones: Huh?
Hicks: Cool.

Hicks than promptly missed every pitch thrown to him during batting practice.  Rookies, man...

Anyway, we took a page out of the Orioles playbook and cashed another one-run win.  Pedro Hernandez made his season debut, pitching 5 strong innings before being pulled from the game when Gardy couldn't figure out who the hell he was.

Gardy: Cole, you look different.
Hernandez: I'm not Cole De Vries, skip.  I'm Pedro Hernandez.
Gardy: THE Pedro Hernadez?
Hernandez: Um... yes?
Gardy: I'm just kidding. If I actually kept track of every "Pedro Hernandez" I knew through baseball I wouldn't have any space left to remember my lucky lotto numbers.
Hernandez: Thanks, skip!

So that's one week down.  The record sits at 4-2 as we head off to Kansas City!  The Road To .500 has been traffic free so far! Talk to you next week!

Well there you have it, baseball fans!  The first week of Twins baseball is in the books and the Twins are rolling.  Big thanks to Not Vance Worley for stopping by and giving us his insider info.

For more Not Vance Worley be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TinyVancer).  He'll be joining us all season.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.



 

World Of Worley: Hello Twin Cities!

And ya say Twins City!

Well hello, baseball fans!  Welcome to brand new column here on Newest Industry!

A lot of us here at Newest Industry are Twins fans.  As such, we were hoping to incorporate a weekly Twins column into our usual mix of posts.  We reached out to several people before finally finding somebody who was willing to embrace the challenge.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Newest Industry's newest contributor: Not Vance Worley!

We're planning on having Not Vance here all season, providing updates on the Twins season each Monday throughout the summer.

The season kicks off tomorrow, so we thought today would be a good time for our newest blogger to write his first column, introducing himself to our readers and Twins fans everywhere.

Not Vance, take it away!

Hello Twins fans!  You'll have to bear with me just a bit here, I've never been asked to write a blog before.  I guess I'd like to take a second to thank Newest Industry for inviting me to join their crew of bloggers for this season.  Despite their generally unkempt appearance they seem like nice enough folks.

So this is my first season with the Minnesota Twins.  I'm pretty excited.  I've heard that Minnesota has some of the best fans in the world.  Any fanbase that was willing to put up with Alexei Casilla for six years must have hearts of gold.

As most of you probably know, I spent the last couple of  seasons with the Philadelphia Phillies.  I had some great times in Philly before getting injured last season.  I won't get into all the specifics, but let me be the first to tell you, you haven't lived until you've experienced one of Jimmy Rollins' "Cheesteak Parties."  I'd tell you about them, but everybody who attends one has to sign a legal waiver banning them from discussing what goes on at the party.  Let me just say this, nobody knows a Philly cheesesteak like Jimmy Rollins knows his cheesesteak.

But, that's in the past.  I'm here in Minneapolis now and I'm looking forward to helping the Twins get back to their winning ways.  I know that a lot of people were skeptical of Terry Ryan for trading Ben Revere for me.  I can understand that.  Let me just throw a couple of numbers at you:

Ben Revere HR total for 2012: 0
My HR total for 2012: 0

Think about that for a second.  I think you made the right move, Minnesota.  I know there's a lot of skepticism about our team this year, but let me tell you, we are .500 bound!  We play in a division with the Royals and Indians, right?  How could we not get to .500?

Spring training down in Fort Meyers has been a blast.  I thought a fun thing for us to do to kick off the blog would be for me to tell you a little bit about my new teammates.  Some of you probably know them better than I do, but that's part of the fun!

Let's have a look at the managers and the lineup first!

Manager Ron Gardenhire:  I was impressed with Gardy from the first time I met him.  His ability to scratch off lottery tickets using the cap from his Budweiser was particularly impressive.  I've never seen anybody scratch off so many lotto tickets in one sitting!  Truly a player's coach.

Pitching Coach Rick Anderson: I spent a lot of time with Coach Rick during the spring trying to get my arm back up to speed. He seems nice enough, but he has this pitching strategy that involves trying to get the batter to make contact with the pitch.  Seems kind of counter-intuitive to me.  I typically plan on striking out everybody that I face.  I learned that from Roy Halladay.  I think I'm gonna stick with that for a while.

Catcher Joe Mauer: Everybody knows Joe Mauer around the league, but let me tell you, few people really know Joe Mauer.  When I arrived in Fort Myers he gave me a gift basket filled with Head & Shoulders shampoo, Kemps whole milk, and a note that read, "Shake me off and I'll have you in Rochester before the 7th inning.  Sincerely, Rubber Band Man."  It was surprising, and a little unpleasant, considering the milk had evidently just been sitting out for days.

First Baseman Justin Morneau: I was super excited to meet Justin Morneau when I got to Florida.  I remember watching him win the MVP award during my senior year of high school.  He was such a monster that year.  It was cool meeting him, though for the first two weeks of spring training I think he thought I was Devin Setoguchi.  He kept telling me the Vancouver Canucks were going to run away with the division.  Being the new guy I didn't want to argue with him. The only way to get him to stop was to get him to face the sun and hope a headache took hold.

Second Baseman Brian Dozier: The Bull-Dozier seems like a good kid.  Lot of energy and lots of fire.  His passion reminds me of Chase Utley back when he was still alive.

Shortstop Pedro Florimon: Even though I don't speak much Spanish and Pedro doesn't speak much English it's important for a pitcher and his shortstop to develop chemistry.  I figured the best way to share who I was with him would be to give him a good old "Sacramento Hello."  For those who don't know, this is a tradition among those of us from Sacramento. Basically, you sneak up on a guy in the middle of the night, duct tape his mouth, tie up his hands, cover his eyes, put a Vlade Divac jersey on him just start whaling away on some cowbells.  Pedro seems genuinely terrified of me now, but deep down I think he appreciates the gesture.

Third Baseman Trevor Plouffe: I never actually got to meet Trevor.  I saw him sitting across the locker room from me, but every time he got up to come over and introduce himself he'd strain his quad and have to sit back down.  Maybe we'll get to know each other in Minnesota.

Left Fielder Josh Willingham: Looking at last year's Twins team I saw that Josh had a big year for the club.  Since he's the team's offensive leader I thought it would be important to get to know him, but when I went over to meet him all he said was, "Great, another fucking new guy.  Listen, whoever you are, I don't know why I'm still on this team and you can bet your ass I won't be here come August."  When I explained that I was the new pitcher he said, "Oh, the guy they traded my center fielder for?  You know how much more running I'm going to have to do because of you?  For every ball hit to the left-center gap while you're pitching you owe me $4,500.  I suggest striking out everybody."  Seems like we're on the same page.

Center Fielder Aaron Hicks:  Man, this kid went nuts this spring!  Home runs, gappers, stolen bases, scoring runs... Plus, he's a fellow California boy, which is nice.  People have been telling me that Minnesota weather is tough on people from California, so I'm glad I'll have another homeboy there to lean on.  I've heard it sometimes gets down to 50 degrees!  In the spring!  Crazy!

Right Fielder Chris Parmelee: Meeting Chris Parmelee was great!  This guy is so talented!  Not only a big league ballplayer, but he's great as Dr. Spaceman on my all time favorite show 30 Rock!

Designated Hitter Ryan Doumit: Doumit's a strange guy.  First time I met him he demanded that I refer to him as The Supervillain and told me that, "just because someone wears a mask doesn't mean he done something automatically..."  That seemed reasonable, but then he put on his metal mask and disappeared for the rest of spring training.  Like I said, strange guy.





So that's the lineup.  I'm excited to watch those guys.  Top to bottom they're easily one of the top five lineups in the AL Central.

Now, on to my kind of guys, the pitchers!

Starting Pitcher Mike Pelfrey:  Mike and I actually got to know each other pretty well last year as we each spent the season living in NL East DL purgatory!  We would have nice long chats about how bad our arms hurt and who's lineup was worse defensively so it was probably a moot point that we weren't pitching.  There's no bond stronger than the shared bond of lowered expectations.  He's really bounced back this spring though.  I think getting out of Queens was probably good for him.  He told me that getting out of Queens is good for everybody.

Starting Pitcher Kevin Correia: Another new guy here in Minnesota.  Seems like a nice guy, but let's just say that guys batting averages jump up a couple of points just by making eye contact with him.  Just try not to get hurt out there, bud!

Starting Pitcher Scott Diamond: Scott made a point of coming up to me on the first day of spring training to, "make a couple of things clear.  First off, I'm the ace of this staff.  If you think you're coming in here and taking my spot you got another thing coming.  Second, you call me 'Black Diamond.'"  I was surprised by the nickname.  "'Black Diamond,' like the KISS song?" I asked.  "Well, kinda.  The KISS song, but not the KISS version.  The Replacements version on Let It Be is kind of the one I took the name from."  I told him that's a lot to ask of a nickname, but he assured me that most of the people in Minneapolis get it right away.  In fact, most don't even know it's KISS song.

Starting Pitchers Liam Hendricks & Cole De Vries:  If you can tell which of these guys is which you're a better man than me.

The Bullpen: A bunch of guys who aren't good enough to take a job from Kevin Correia.  No sense discussing them.

So that's my first impression of the team.  The Road To .500 starts tomorrow afternoon at Target Field with yours truly throwing bullets!  Looks like the game time temperature is going to be in the high 30's, but there'll be so much heat coming off me that you can probably wear t-shirts.

Talk to you next Monday!

There you have it, folks!  The very first edition of World Of Worley from our newest contributor Not Vance Worley!  Be sure to check back each Monday as Not Vance recaps the week and scouts out the week ahead!

For more Not Vance Worley, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TinyVancer).  The next person to follow him will be the first!

For more Newest Industry, be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.