Ten & Six With Mike Otto: The Mike Zimmer Hiring

Zimmer down now...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!

While the rest of the NFL continues to focus on such trivialities as "records," "legacies," and, y'know, "actual football games," the Vikings have had a whirlwind couple of weeks.  First they fired their head coach Leslie Frazier.  Stoic, even-keeled, well-respected, but ultimately very average, Frazier evidently didn't fit the traditional model of the Vikings franchise.

In an effort to find a coach who would more align with the Vikings tradition of passion, hubris, & an almost schizophrenic pattern of season-by-season competence, the brass looked outside of the organization.

Enter new head coach Mike Zimmer.  The former Cincinnati defensive coordinator will be given the big chair at Winter Park in an effort to co-opts some of that notorious Cincinnati Bengals winning culture.

Mikey, what do ya think of the new guy?

"I'm not going to go out there and just chew butts, like everyone says..."

That was a quote from the ninth Vikings head coach, Mike Zimmer during in his first press conference in the position. If only there were nine starting quarterbacks in franchise history (for the record, there have been 35).

All jokes aside, Mike Zimmer seems like a strong minded, confident coach. You can tell he believes in himself, and that's half the battle. At times last year, you could tell Leslie Frazier was defeated, you could tell that perhaps doubt had crept into his mind regarding whether he was cut out for the job of head coach in the NFL.

Mike Zimmer doesn't mince words. He is going to answer questions honestly and generally gives off the aura of a wise ass (with wisdom) that you might meet at the Minneapolis Auto Convention. "No, Mike Zimmer, I don't want to buy a 2014 Dodge Viper....

....
....

OK, I'll buy a 2014 Dodge Viper."

After his first press conference I can tell the man exudes confidence, but not in a Tim Brewster way (thank you, dear Lord). Brewster knew he was just spouting bullshit about Rose Bowls and Pasadena. You can tell Mike Zimmer has conviction behind his words, he believes everything he says. He is well spoken and humorous yet professional behind the podium. It looks like he was meant to stand there. Speaking of...

"I was destined to do this...I don't want to just be a defense guy, I want to call plays for the offense, I will be in all the meetings. As a defensive minded coach, I know what hurts certain defenses."

I agree, and I like having a defensive-minded head coach. I feel like it is easier for a defensive-minded head coach to grasp and understand what makes an offense dangerous than it is for an offensive-minded head coach to understand what makes a good defense. Zimmer seems like a natural leader, a real manager of different personalities, which is an incredibly necessary trait for a head coach in the modern day NFL.

"I have a chip on my shoulder, I want 31 other teams to know I'm here. I'm pretty good at my job, I'm pretty good at what I do."

Nothing wrong with that. Leslie Frazier always seemed to have a lack of chip-on-shoulder. I know he cared about his job, I just wish he showed it to the public every once and a while. I'm excited to see what Mike Zimmer can do with guys like Xavier Rhodes, Shariff Floyd, and whatever rookies the Vikings choose to draft on defense this year. He is a self-proclaimed and proven motivator of men, so I'm excited to see him mold some young guys into rounded out veterans.

"I want teachers, I want leaders. Great motivators and technicians."

So he wants a teacher, Bill Clinton, Dr. Oz and a mechanic? Zimmer would not commit to any of his staff yet with any certainty, as that process is still playing itself out. There have been rumors of a certain pock-marked whore being in negotiations for the offensive coordinator position, a prospect of which can only bring good things. Whether those things are the product of actual success on the football field, or simply the hilarity that follows Norv Turner wherever he goes, has yet to be decided. 

"I want to grab these players hearts and get them to follow me."

Originally a quote from the one and only Vince Lombardi, Mike Zimmer seems to want to build a family as much as a football team, and maybe he can do both. I certainly hope so, and at the very least, after this inaugural press conference, he has sold Vikings fans everywhere on his brand of coaching. I like the guy, and if he has his way, he will hoist Lombardi himself. 

Well there you have it, Vikings fans!  Mike Zimmer:  He will be in all the meetings.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  Mike will be joining us occasionally throughout the offseason to discuss the happenings around our favorite football squad.

 

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.     

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 11 - Picks!

Just another player in your game or two... You may hate me but it ain't no lie...

Hello again, football fans! Welcome to Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 11!

Yes, YOUR Minnesota Vikings are on the bye this week, but that doesn't mean our NFL coverage stops (and, evidently, neither do the Vikings cheerleaders).

As you can see, Mr. Otto is still thinking thoughts about the NFL and we here at Newest Industry feel like we would be selling you short if we didn't give them to you. I mean, really, what else are you going to do on a Saturday night? Go out to the bar? See a movie? Call up your girlfriends? Get all sexy to go out with your girlfriends? Drink gin & tonics and look sexy with your girlfriends? We know you're sitting at home refreshing the computer, waiting and hoping for the moment Mike's knowledge bombs arrive, spraying knowledge shrapnel all over your iPad.

At least, that's what we assume you're doing. Say “hi” to your girlfriends for us. We're around.

Mikes record (including Thursday's game) is 98-65-1.

Anyway, let's get to the games. Michael, thoughts on Week 11?

Interesting week in the NFL! My picks went 9-4-1 and Christian Ponder had a bounce-back performance as I predicted.

Being that it is the Vikings bye week, I am going to wait to fully recap the dominant performance against the Lions until next week. Hell, I deserve a break too.

Now, let's all just cross our fingers and hope nobody gets arrested over the next week (including me).

On to the picks!

Green Bay (6-3) at Detroit (4-5)

Aaron Rodgers is going to destroy the Lions secondary. Christian Ponder looked like a Pro Bowl quarterback against them for God's sake! What's an actual Pro Bowl QB going to look like?

Probably some sort of pass-throwing automaton with shitty facial hair.

Detroit's success was so short-lived that I feel a little bad for them...

Wait, no I don't! Fuck off, Detroit!

Packers win 38-26

(Fuck off, Green Bay too)

Arizona (4-5) at Atlanta (8-1)

Bird battle. Battle Birds.

Battle of the birds?

Much like the outcome would be in nature, you have to believe the Falcons will devour the Cards.

Or do you? I smell an upset in this one.

Cardinals coming out of the bye, seeing a suddenly vulnerable Falcons team that just lost their first game? I'm guessing Matty Ice's confidence is shaking and he can't help but think, “here we go again” with the late season struggles.

Calling a big upset. Cards win 20-19.

Tampa Bay (5-4) at Carolina (2-7)

Josh Freeman has played his way out of his role as my punching bag. I can say all the terrible things I want about the “Tampa Culpepper,” but it would make me look dumb (as it has numerous times this season).

Now, let the record show that I feel quite comfortable looking dumb. However, I'm trying to flip the script... turn the page... jibber the rigging.

So do your thing, J-Free! Ball hard! Bucs win 28-23.

Cleveland (2-7) at Dallas (4-5)

Perpetual man-child Brandon Weeden takes his band of poorly dressed, average football players on the road to Jerry Jones' “House Of Crazy" (patent pending).

Hide your kids! Don't let them watch! Especially if you ever want them to have a chance at playing fundamentally sound football. Between these two teams I'll bet we see 20 penalties.

Jerry Jones will die with his cold, icy hands all over the Cowboys franchise and that's just too bad. From time to time I actually myself feeling for Tony Romo. Then I walk out my front door and ride my dragon to my job at the brandy factory.

Cowboys win 24-19.

New York Jets (3-6) at Does It Really Matter?

Really though, does it? I could put any team in the NFL (and probably a few Canadian teams) as the home team and the result would be the same. The opponent doesn't matter right now.

All that matters is this: It's Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan, and the Jets are on the road.

They will lose.

They will look stupid.

They will finger point.

What a disaster. Rex Ryan has completely lost this team. I will take Any Team to beat the Jets this weekend 35-13.

(Editor's Note: The Jets play the St. Louis Rams this week.  To quote Mikey, "does it really matter?")

Cincinnati (4-5) at Kansas City (1-8)

Fear not, Kansas City! Brady Quinn has been cleared to play!

Turns out he could have been cleared weeks ago, but kept failing the concussion test because of his lazy eye and his response to every question was “Muscle Milk!”

It took the Chiefs training staff weeks to realize that's just normal Brady.

Reports indicate Matt Cassel is going to start anyway, which really makes him the loser in all of this. Bengals win 17-6.

Jacksonville (1-8) at Houston (8-1)

Wait, they're actually going to play this game? If this were Madden 2013 I would definitely do the “quick simulate” on this one.

The only chance the Jaguars have is if a pregame meteor blows up Matt Schaub, Arian Foster, Andre Johnson, J.J. Watt, David Carr's ghost AND all their first born sons.

Even then, it's still a close game in the 4^th quarter. Texans win big 42-20.

New Orleans (4-5) at Oakland (3-6)

The Raiders defense is in such shambles that they let Joe Flacco drop 55 on them! I'm not even mad. That's impressive.

Drew Brees could study the construction of floral arrangements all week. No need for a game plan in this one. Just show up. That's as far as the Saints game plan needs to go this week.

Carson Palmer, you should have stayed retired. Saints win big, 110-17.

San Diego (4-5) at Denver (6-3)

Norv Turner has officially gone into “freak out” mode. I watched his post-game presser last week and left being more certain of one truth than ever before: Norv Turner is not a man.

Here me out here.

He can't even get mad like a man. His voice gets all high pitched, his eyes well up with tears, and he asks snarky rhetorical questions. You know who that sounds like? Most girlfriends I've had!

Also, generally, women aren't good at coaching football. Most women like wearing baby blue. It's always a woman doing those Pro-Activ commercials. All those acne scars? You know Norv is on that Pro-Activ payroll.

I've just given you plenty of checkmarks for the “Norv's A Woman” column. If anyone has any evidence Norv isn't a female masquerading as a terrible NFL coach, please tweet it to me: @SwervinTaters

Until then I'm going to call him Norva Turner. It's OK, Norva. I'd be sad if Philip Rivers was my boyfriend too. Broncos win 38-24.

Indianapolis (6-3) at New England (6-3)

Andy Lucky!

Chucky Strongy!

Andy Lucky!

Chucky Strongy!

I think the rookie goes to Cocksborough and shows up Captain America!

“I may not be banging a supermodel, Tom Brady, but I'm balls deep in your end zone right now!” - Andrew Luck after this Sunday's game.

Colts win 27-24.

(Editor's Note: Newest Industry refuses to divulge its sources from the future. Also, Andy Lucky refers to everybody by their full name. Of course, we refer to him as Andy Lucky.  We suppose fair is fair.)

Baltimore (7-2) at Pittsburgh (6-3)

Byron Leftwich is still alive?!?

How are the Steelers going to win without team captain and groping specialist Big Ben?

He is the only quarterback to have a British clock tower named after him.

Being that this is a Mike Tomlin-coached team, I think the Steelers keep this one close but lose in the end. Ravens win 21-17.

Chicago (7-2) at San Francisco (6-2-1)

Jay Cutler is officially out for this game.

He also, officially, has a really weird neck.

Moss gets in the end zone against these Bears. He was burning Charles Tillman during the cornerback's early years. Mr. Peanut Tillman will find out just how little things have changed in the last 10 years.

And I'll be laughing! Niners win 19-16.

Wait... this just in... Jay Cutler's status for Monday Night's game has officially been changed from “out” to “out of the closet.”

Boom! There you have it, America! Week 11 is almost certainly going to play out exactly as you've just read. May as well skip football this Sunday. Hang out around the house. Take your wifey to brunch. Check your text messages to make sure your girlfriends don't need rides home from a night of terrible mistakes (we're not writing blogs 24/7 y'know.  We get out sometimes).

For more of young Michael Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Remember, he's giving out free retweets to anybody who can prove the existence of Norva Turner's penis.

 


For more Newest Industry, we can be found on Twitter as well (NewestIndustry1). Be sure to give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Stop by and give us a “like” and we promise not to hit on you and your sexy girlfriends tonight. Promise.

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 9 (Thursday Bonus!)

Paging Dr. Quinn... Dr. Quinn...

Hello again football fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!

The NFL kicks off the second half of the season tonight with a game between two of Mr. Otto's favorite punching bags: The Kansas City Chiefs and the San Diego Chargers.

Mike, what do you think about this one?

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-6) at SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (3-4)

You gotta believe Norv Turner's time in San Diego is coming to an end. Putting up 6 points against the Browns is unforgivable, I don't care how much its raining. Pussy shit!!! 

This game features two NFL quarterbacks with Vaginas facing off. King Vag himself, Philip Rivers vs. The Dizzy Vag, Matt Cassel. Cassel recently lost his starting job to Brady Quinn only to get it back when Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman went down with injury. 

Too bad Jane Seymour can't make any of you better QB's. She can cure lupus out on the frontier but can't do shit for your weak-ass arms. The Chargers CAN'T lose this game, right?

Fuck it, yeah they can. Chiefs win 17-13

Boom!  There you have it, everybody.  Be sure to tune into the NFL tonight to catch what's sure to be a memorably un-memorable game.

Be sure to check back this Saturday for the rest of Mike's Week 9 picks as well as his breakdown of the upcoming Vikings/Seahawks game.

For more of Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  When he's not tweeting about football he's tweeting at Netflix to stream old Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman episodes.

For more of Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter as well (@NewestIndustry1).  That'll keep you up to date on new activity from our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Stop by and give it a "like" sometime.  Please?