Showing posts with label SwervinTaters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SwervinTaters. Show all posts

Friday, December 28, 2012

Newest Industry 2012: Lists On Lists On Lists

One more year like this one, I could never make it on my own...


Well hello everybody!  Welcome to Newest Industry's 2012 wrap up!

We asked all of our regular contributors to help us out with some end of year lists because, as card-carrying members of the blogging industry we're legally obligated to put together end of year lists.

Let's note quickly that not all of the posts are strictly Minnesota based.  We asked Dr. Bill for his 10 favorite songs of the year because that's just what he's good at.  Ryan was kind enough to give us both a local and non-local list of his favorite punk rock albums of 2012.

Justin Meyers, KPlow, & SwervinTaters were kind enough to give us their takes on their favorite food, drink, and nightlife spots in the Twin Cities.

And TCDroogsma & MinneSarah continue to bicker like a couple of 50 year olds trapped in 30 year old bodies.

This is a special post because it's also our 100th overall post.  A big thank you to everybody who's stopped by so far.  We'd especially like to take second to thank everybody who's retweeted or reposted any of our work.  There's a lot of stupid shit on the internet.  Thanks for helping promote our stupid shit over everybody else's stupid shit.

Now, on to the lists!

Ryan's Favorite Punk Rock Albums Of 2012


Well, another year has passed and I am even further up to my ears in records. Surrounding me now on 3 sides of my bed inching in closer and closer as time goes on.....

Local Top 5:

1. Frozen Teens - S/T LP - Tragedy struck the Twin Cities earlier this year when, after a series of outstanding shows and stellar LP reviews, Frozen Teens announced their demise. One of the two Wills in the group was moving away. Well, he came back. The band is back on! Just saw them 2 weeks ago and they played a few new songs that I don't believe are on this LP. I can't wait for new recordings!

2. Wild Child - Demo 7" - Well, the demo released last year certainly topped my list. Now it's on vinyl thanks to local fave labels, Fashionable Idiots and Rock Bottom Records. Their new 7" has been pressed up already and Deranged Records of Canada is waiting for just the right moment to drop it on top of our heads but he'll probably will wait until after singer, Antione has dropkicked us in the chest at one of their shows.

3. Brain Tumors - Fuck You Forever 7" - Deranged Records is snatching up Minneapolis hardcore bands almost as fast as Southern Lord Records is signing up the Havoc Records back catalog of bands. Listened to this several times at the store, shocked to not find it here at home in my "recent listens" 7" box that is blocking the only clear pathway to my bed.

4-5. ??? Ummmm? Twin Cities? What is going on here? I didn't pick up much local stuff this year. I'm kinda wondering what happened.

Kontrasekt 7"??? I still need to listen to that again to really say. Varix 7". I guess we've got a tie between Varix and Kontrasekt then. I know Serenghetto had a 7" on the way but the pressing plant they were using was taken out by Hurricane Sandy so that project might be MIA for some time. I would like to hear that record.

Non-Local Top 5 - LP/12" Division:

1. Baader Brains - New Era Hope Colony 12" - I can't really say if the death of Baader Brains member Sarah Kirsch made this record hit me that much more or not. Anyway, it hit me like any project that she was involved in. The message of hope and resistance is there and the music sounds just as fresh as it does familiar. There aren't that many people involved in DIY hardcore punk that have been in as many bands as Sarah that were as good for 20+ years. I am very saddened that we won't be blessed with any more of that shredding guitar and those impassioned, inspiring vocals.

2. No Statik - Everywhere You Aren't Looking LP - I booked this band back in January for probably one of the top 3 shows I have ever had the pleasure of putting together. This Oakland, California band is made up of four punk lifers my age and older. Blistering hardcore punk that is near unmatched in 2012. Probably would have made #1 if not for the eerie extended intro extending a bit too long.

3. Wiccans - Field II LP - I wish I could have seen this band this year. In summer 2011 they played an incredible house show and really surprised all of us. After just a pretty good debut 7" in 2010, they toured that following summer on their Skullduggery LP and somehow topped it this year with Field II. Remember hearing me go on and on about Denton, Texas? Guess what? Denton, Texas. Again!

4. Neon Piss - S/T LP - Still trying to take this one in fully. I had them pegged wrong in the beginning as just another band riffing on what the Observers had perfected 10 years ago. Nope. A lot more going on with this band. Kicking myself HARD for missing them when they played here last month.

5. Swearin' - S/T LP - Yep. The Swearin LP. Love it. I'd go into it but I already covered it on one of my Record Of The Week posts on this very blog. Besides, I am behind and on a deadline!

(Editor's Note: He did indeed cover it.  Have a look.)


Non-Local Top 5 - 7" Division:

1. Double Negative - Hits 7" - Final recordings with their original singer. However, I just got to see them play here in Minneapolis two months back and the new singer is holding it down. I am excited to see where they go from here. It's tough to find a band playing such a distinct and exciting style of hardcore at this moment in time. I wish they had t-shirts of the artwork from the 7" insert. It's a submarine with their -/- logo blasting a torpedo directly at the Beatles Yellow Submarine. Hits! Hilarious.

2. Siamese Twins - S/T 7" - Not what you would expect from members of Ampere and Foreign Objects! Some slow to mid-paced gothy stuff that would have fit in nicely on the 4AD roster alongside Cocteau Twins or something. Super catchy. Very addictive. I believe this 7" is two songs off of their 2011 demo tape.

3. Coffin Pricks - S/T 7" - Fuck. Missed this band too. They played their last show this month in their hometown of Chicago. This band features Chris Thomson on vocals and his pedigree goes way back to the late 80's when he played in a series of D.C. hardcore bands that were all favorites of mine. Ignition, Circus Lupus, Las Mordidas, The Monorchid, etc.

4. Belgrado - Panopticon / Vicious Circle 7" - Newish band from Barcelona, Spain that I had previously thought were from France. This band is following the Siouxsie and the Banshees / Madhouse blueprint. Their LP will make my top10 at the very least. There are a LOT of bands now doing the dark gothy post punk thing at the moment. I think Belgrado are quite possibly the best at it.

5. Desperat - Barjan Pa Slutet 7" - There had to be some rampaging Swedish D-Beat making the list. In lieu of any new recordings by Heratys (new LP soon on Prank Records), Desperat are 2012's best offering. Well, 5th best for me anyway!

Top Reissues:

01. Rites Of Spring - Demo 10" - Not much needs to be said about this. I listen to this. Then I listen to the Rites Of Spring LP. Then I listen to this. Then the All Through A Life 7". Then this.

02. Warhead - Never Give Up! LP - Early 7" and compilation recordings. Top-tier Japanese hardcore punk!

Almost every single 7" and LP from Svart Records classic Finnish punk reissues series. Last year brought us the obvious ones like Lama and Ratsia. This year is making me go broke with tons more from Loose Prick, Nolla Nolla Nolla, Sensurri, Stalin, and so many more. I can barely keep up with this stuff. Pricey but so worth it.

Honorable Mentions: (quite possibly my 6-10s if I only started this earlier this evening) - Boston Strangler Primitive LP, Prisoner Abuse LP, Confines Some Sick Joke 7", Anasazi s/t 7", Permaculture Swallow What You're Given 7", Troubled Sleep Wacky Past Is Now 7", White Lung Sorry LP, Crazy Spirit s/t LP, Retisonic Robots Fucking LP, Criaturas LP and the Pottymouth Sun Damage 12".

Wow!  Thank you, Ryan!  Looks like it was quite a year in the punk rock world!


As you all hopefully know by now Ryan is a volunteer down at Extreme Noise and has been for quite some time.  People like him are the reason the Twin Cities has such a vibrant music scene.  Stop by and see him some time. His cat's name is Rabies.




Though most of you probably know Justin Meyers as our resident synth expert, he's also our resident beer expert.  If you think about it long enough, it makes perfect sense.

Justin Meyers' Favorite Local Beers Of 2012

Honorable Mentions: Schell's Emerald Rye, Indeed Midnight Ryder, Surly Wet & Coffee Bender





5. Lucid Air - The lightest beer on this list, but it doesn't lack in the flavor department. Toasted malts impart a delicious cereal like quality to the brew.





4. Indeed Day Tripper - Not balanced at all. The resinous and spicy nature of the selected hops really shine in this one with little malt to speak of.




3. Steel Toe Rainmaker Double Red: Great malt and hop balance. Could move up on the list with better availability.





2. Harriet Brewing West Side: Fruity Belgian yeast meets the light bitterness of a West Coast style IPA. BOTTLE THIS PLEASE!




1. Surly Furious: Minnesota is so spoiled when it comes to beer. This one could be on the top five on any best of list and it's only available here. Perfect malt and hop balance. I will drink a billion of these in my life time.






There you have it, Sota! It's a good time to be fan of beer!



For more of Justin Meyers, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@JustinCMeyers).  He also runs his own record label, Tone Filth. He's working on big things for 2013.  His cat's name is Missy Spacek.







Even though Dr. Bill is relatively new to Newest Industry, he's already our indie music expert.  We're hoping to have a lot more posts from him in 2013.  Here, though, we have his 10 favorite songs of 2012.

Dr. Bill's Top 10 Tracks Of 2012

10. Paws - Sore Tummy


09. DIIV - How Long Have You Known?


08. Cloud Nothing - No Future/No Past


07. Guided By Voices - Class Clown Spots A UFO


06. Frank Ocean - Forrest Gump


05. Chromatics - Kill For Love


04. Aesop Rock - Fryerstarter


03. Beach House - Myth


02. FIDLAR - Cheap Beer


01. Joey Bada$$ (w/Chuck Strangers) - Fromda Tomb$


There are so many I could put on here. Killer Mike, Kendrick Lamar, Grimes, Swans, Bloc Party, Blur, Mountain Goats, but these are the ones that I've had stuck in my head. Now my top 10 albums are a little different, but that I still have a little pondering left to do.

That's that.  Thanks for tuning in.  You can step back out of the light now.



For more Dr. Bill, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@DrBillRubin).  We're hoping to feature him a lot more here over the next year.  His cat is named Oliver. 





Alright, let's get back to our beautiful Twin Cities.  We asked KPlow and SwervinTaters to tell us their favorite spots to grab a bite to eat or a stiff drink.

KPlow's Top 5 Restaurants Of 2012



1. Bachelor Farmer - It’s perfect. Splurge and hand over the cash. Comparable to higher end restaurants, but won’t break the bank. If you are short on cash shell out $3 for the popover with honey butter…an absolute must!



2. 112 Eatery - Servers are the too-good-to-serve-you type but the food is stellar!!! Priced from cheap to turn around-walk out the door expensive, but it’s still a definite must! Certainly worth a stop.




3. Craftsman - Delightful ambiance, stellar wait-staff and nummy comfort food. Not much is cheap, but hey, no metered parking!




4. Lucia’s - It’s ancient but it’s always a treat. To-Go, Wine Bar and Restaurant, there is something to fit your style and price. Alas, however, it’s in the heart and heat of a busy, busy Uptown.







5. All the places I think you should go but I haven’t gotten to yet:

1. Victory 44.
2. Left Handed Cook
3. Ngon Vietnamese Bistro
4. Piccolo
5. Kenwood Restaurant

Nom nom nom.  Plenty of good choices and plenty of places yet to be explored.




KPlow is our resident higher-end, non-vegan restaurant reviewer.  Here's hoping she can get to some of those new spots in 2013.  Her pup's name is Belle. 






SwervinTaters Top 5 Bars Of 2012

5. Bryant Lake Bowl - A great atmosphere and long list of specialty cocktails gets the good ol' BLB on the list. Plus you just can't hate on any bar that does breakfast 7 days a week! Go enjoy some late night happy hour accompanied with a great drunken pastime, BOWLING! And hey, if you wake up with a pounding headache go right back to the BLB for a giant starch filled breakfast that will set you back on the right track.


4. Pat's Tap - In terms of bar food, it doesn't get any better than Pat's Tap. Try the unbelievable Harissa and Honey Roasted Chicken sandwich and some cheese curds to go along with it - you won't regret your choice. The bartenders mix a strong drink, so get a cab home if you weren't lucky enough to meet a friend who lives nearby. Heh-heh





3. My Porch - Strongest drinks in the whole damn city and my chances of getting laid are much higher than anywhere else. If I don't know you, ya ain't gaining admittance!

 


2. The CC Club - So many memories. So much History. The CC Club is so great for so many reasons! If you're a regular, you can probably get away with more than you should be able too, which is always a plus! The place gets packed at night, but the over-matched wait staff handle it well. There is nothing more relaxing than going to The CC at noon on a day off, having a couple beers and watching a little American Pickers with a friendly bartender who knows what you want to drink before you ask for it. Feels like home... drunk home.

1. Rudolphs BBQ - A generous happy hour of drink and food specials got me in the door and assures any patron of this bar does not need a pot of gold to get sloppy! What really makes Rudolph's number one though is the amazing wait staff and bartenders. These people go hard, they are courteous, timely, and know how to make a damn good drink! Add on the new on-tap craft beer selection they have recently added and you have everything you would want from a bar. Kudos to everyone at Rudolph's!

There you have it you hungry, thirsty Minnesotans.  Food and drinks, drinks and food.



For more of the always charming SwervinTaters be sure to give him a follow in Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  Here's hoping for some new bar reviews in 2013! His cat's name is Doug.






And, to end our lists of lists, we asked Minnepolis resident TCDroogsma and St. Paul resident MinneSarah to try to settle the greatest of arguments: Which is better, Minneapolis or St. Paul?

TCDroogsma's Top 5 Reasons Minneapolis Is Best


01. People outside of Minnesota have actually heard of Minneapolis - When people from the Twin Cities move to new cities, it's common practice to just tell new acquaintances that they're from Minneapolis?  Why?  Because telling a Brooklyn-ite that you're from St. Paul will leave you with a confused hipster.  Not to mention the fact that I've watched something like 90% of all Minnesota Wild games.  National broadcaster frequently greet viewers by saying, "Welcome to tonight's game from wintery Minneapolis..."  I can promise you that no commentator has ever introduced a Twins or Vikings game by saying, "Greetings from St. Paul!"

02. We actually build new things - Minneapolis is in a constant state of flux, which I say is a great thing.  New bars, restaurants, concert venues, and theatres are constantly popping up.  Whether it's Uptown, Downtown, or Northeast, there's always something new to try.  Plus, this constant shifting leaves the cream to rise to the top (CC Club, First Avenue, Electric Fetus, The State Theater... I could go all day).  All of these venues earned their iconic status by weathering different trends and economics over the years.  In St. Paul you're left with places like Moscow On The Hill and The Nook which survive simply because there's nowhere else to go.  Wait, that's the original Green Mill? Special.  (Exemptions for Mickey's Diner & The Turf Club).

03. Things happen in Minneapolis after 8:00 -  I realize that's an old joke, but frreal, have you ever been in St. Paul past 8:00?  If you have, chances are you were sleeping.  When I head over to St. Paul for Wild games I can't even stop at the downtown Chipotle before the game because it's closed.  The game that starts at 7:00!  Shit, the Chipotle on Nicollet Mall is open until 10 every night!  St. Paul's flagship block party, Grand Old Days, runs until about 4:00 in the afternoon, which is just about the time you can catch one of MPLS's dozens of block parties during the summer. 

04. Minneapolis actually created it's own reputation - MPLS is known as a Gay & Lesbian friendly city thanks to the city's efforts to turn the Gay Pride Festival in to one of the best in the country.  It's become a nationally renowned biking city thanks to efforts from bikers, drivers, and city planners alike.  It's known as a vibrant music community thanks to DIY efforts from musicians of every genre.  It's built more theatres per capita than any city in America, lending it the reputation of a cultured, art-appreciating city.

St. Paul is known as the Capital Of Minnesota.  A distinction I'm sure it's citizens worked diligently to earn.

05. Celebrity most associated with each city - MPLS: Prince.  St. Paul: Garrison Keillor.  Done.

Well, that was pretty much coherent, which is really all we ask of TCDroogsma these days.



TCDroogsma hosts our weekly podcast and also contributes to our Songs Of The Week column with MinneSarah.  For more he can be found on Twitter (@TCDroogsma) and on his personal blog Flatbasset. His pup's name is Margo.







And the other side of the coin...

MinneSarah's Top 5 Reasons St. Paul Is Best


1.  More natural beauty - Have you even seen the sun rise over Cathedral Hill?  Breathtaking. St. Paul has more geographical beauty than its sister city - it's a city of changing elevation, beautiful bluffs, and caves for all you homebrew/old school crime fanatics!  I'm pretty sure there are more trees per capita than Minneapolis, and Como Park beats Loring Park any day of the week.  Plus, our street names are way more creative than that numeric grid Minneapolis has allowed itself to become.

2.  You probably won't get shot here -  St. Paul is definitely more low key, and the result is, you are less likely to get yourself into trouble.  While the occasional knife fight is bound to happen in any big city, you can rest assured that you have less of a chance of being the victim of a violent crime in sleepy St. Paul.  It's the perfect place to pop a Werthers Original in your mouth on your front porch and watch all the businesses close up shop at 6pm on weeknights.  I'll bet you can catch up on your reading list at any of our historic libraries and many private universities.  St. Paul, keeping you on the straight and narrow since 1854.

3. It's the capital - beat that Minneapolis!  If a bill wants to become a law, it has to go through this city.  Along with that honor is our distinguished capital building and the fact that the city name is a star on every elementary school map in the country.  Plus Mark Dayton's adorable pups call this city home, and if you walk past the Governor's Mansion on a snowy evening, they'll say hello (bark bark).

4.  Prettier residents with less pretense - So, this one might be a tad subjective, but seriously.  I live here, and also all of my friends are quite attractive and decent people.  Sure, we might be the Garrison Keillor to your Josh Hartnett, but at least we stick to ourselves.  Plus, we have better coffee shops (J & S, Nina's, Kopplins, Ginko's) and thrift stores (Goodwill on University and St. Vincent on West 7th) because there are less pretentious people to contend with, but all the same quality you'd expect from places with a way higher hipster quota.

5. More iconic events - What would the state of Minnesota be without the "Great Minnesota Get Together?"  Those state fair grounds lay mostly fallow throughout the year, but then host the biggest party you'll see in this state.  I'd like to see Minneapolis block off that much land for an annual ten day party.  Also, the Winter Carnival is St. Paul taking over an entire season - the worst season, but the longest and most annoying.  This city has turned it around as something to celebrate and also get frostbite trying to find a lucite medallion in a snow globe. Sure beats a tribute to lakes.

Honorable mention to Izzy's for serving the best vegan ice cream in the state.

Hmmm.... They both make good points.  Seems that it's best to just agree that we're two cities filled with talented, smart, funny, literate, drunk, sexy, sexy people.



MinneSarah regularly contributes to our Songs Of The Week column with TCDroogsma and is a big fan of caramel candies.  She can be found on Twitter (@MinneSarah) pining for the 90's.  Her cat's name is Theodore.








Well that's it, folks!  2012 is in the books.  We hope it was a good one for you, as it was certainly a good one for us.  Again, a huge thanks to anybody who's checked out the blog and/or shared the blog via social networks.  It means a lot to us.  We've got plenty planned for 2013 so please stay tuned.


We have a Twitter home (@NewestIndustry1) which you should follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  As always, we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is the easiest, cheapest way to support what we do.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 11 - Picks!

Just another player in your game or two... You may hate me but it ain't no lie...


Hello again, football fans! Welcome to Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 11!

Yes, YOUR Minnesota Vikings are on the bye this week, but that doesn't mean our NFL coverage stops (and, evidently, neither do the Vikings cheerleaders).

As you can see, Mr. Otto is still thinking thoughts about the NFL and we here at Newest Industry feel like we would be selling you short if we didn't give them to you. I mean, really, what else are you going to do on a Saturday night? Go out to the bar? See a movie? Call up your girlfriends? Get all sexy to go out with your girlfriends? Drink gin & tonics and look sexy with your girlfriends? We know you're sitting at home refreshing the computer, waiting and hoping for the moment Mike's knowledge bombs arrive, spraying knowledge shrapnel all over your iPad.

At least, that's what we assume you're doing. Say “hi” to your girlfriends for us. We're around.

Mikes record (including Thursday's game) is 98-65-1.

Anyway, let's get to the games. Michael, thoughts on Week 11?

Interesting week in the NFL! My picks went 9-4-1 and Christian Ponder had a bounce-back performance as I predicted.

Being that it is the Vikings bye week, I am going to wait to fully recap the dominant performance against the Lions until next week. Hell, I deserve a break too.

Now, let's all just cross our fingers and hope nobody gets arrested over the next week (including me).

On to the picks!

Green Bay (6-3) at Detroit (4-5)

Aaron Rodgers is going to destroy the Lions secondary. Christian Ponder looked like a Pro Bowl quarterback against them for God's sake! What's an actual Pro Bowl QB going to look like?

Probably some sort of pass-throwing automaton with shitty facial hair.

Detroit's success was so short-lived that I feel a little bad for them...

Wait, no I don't! Fuck off, Detroit!

Packers win 38-26

(Fuck off, Green Bay too)

Arizona (4-5) at Atlanta (8-1)

Bird battle. Battle Birds.

Battle of the birds?

Much like the outcome would be in nature, you have to believe the Falcons will devour the Cards.

Or do you? I smell an upset in this one.

Cardinals coming out of the bye, seeing a suddenly vulnerable Falcons team that just lost their first game? I'm guessing Matty Ice's confidence is shaking and he can't help but think, “here we go again” with the late season struggles.

Calling a big upset. Cards win 20-19.

Tampa Bay (5-4) at Carolina (2-7)

Josh Freeman has played his way out of his role as my punching bag. I can say all the terrible things I want about the “Tampa Culpepper,” but it would make me look dumb (as it has numerous times this season).

Now, let the record show that I feel quite comfortable looking dumb. However, I'm trying to flip the script... turn the page... jibber the rigging.

So do your thing, J-Free! Ball hard! Bucs win 28-23.

Cleveland (2-7) at Dallas (4-5)

Perpetual man-child Brandon Weeden takes his band of poorly dressed, average football players on the road to Jerry Jones' “House Of Crazy" (patent pending).

Hide your kids! Don't let them watch! Especially if you ever want them to have a chance at playing fundamentally sound football. Between these two teams I'll bet we see 20 penalties.

Jerry Jones will die with his cold, icy hands all over the Cowboys franchise and that's just too bad. From time to time I actually myself feeling for Tony Romo. Then I walk out my front door and ride my dragon to my job at the brandy factory.

Cowboys win 24-19.

New York Jets (3-6) at Does It Really Matter?

Really though, does it? I could put any team in the NFL (and probably a few Canadian teams) as the home team and the result would be the same. The opponent doesn't matter right now.

All that matters is this: It's Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan, and the Jets are on the road.

They will lose.
They will look stupid.
They will finger point.

What a disaster. Rex Ryan has completely lost this team. I will take Any Team to beat the Jets this weekend 35-13.

(Editor's Note: The Jets play the St. Louis Rams this week.  To quote Mikey, "does it really matter?")

Cincinnati (4-5) at Kansas City (1-8)

Fear not, Kansas City! Brady Quinn has been cleared to play!

Turns out he could have been cleared weeks ago, but kept failing the concussion test because of his lazy eye and his response to every question was “Muscle Milk!”

It took the Chiefs training staff weeks to realize that's just normal Brady.

Reports indicate Matt Cassel is going to start anyway, which really makes him the loser in all of this. Bengals win 17-6.

Jacksonville (1-8) at Houston (8-1)

Wait, they're actually going to play this game? If this were Madden 2013 I would definitely do the “quick simulate” on this one.

The only chance the Jaguars have is if a pregame meteor blows up Matt Schaub, Arian Foster, Andre Johnson, J.J. Watt, David Carr's ghost AND all their first born sons.

Even then, it's still a close game in the 4th quarter. Texans win big 42-20.

New Orleans (4-5) at Oakland (3-6)

The Raiders defense is in such shambles that they let Joe Flacco drop 55 on them! I'm not even mad. That's impressive.

Drew Brees could study the construction of floral arrangements all week. No need for a game plan in this one. Just show up. That's as far as the Saints game plan needs to go this week.

Carson Palmer, you should have stayed retired. Saints win big, 110-17.

San Diego (4-5) at Denver (6-3)

Norv Turner has officially gone into “freak out” mode. I watched his post-game presser last week and left being more certain of one truth than ever before: Norv Turner is not a man.

Here me out here.

He can't even get mad like a man. His voice gets all high pitched, his eyes well up with tears, and he asks snarky rhetorical questions. You know who that sounds like? Most girlfriends I've had!

Also, generally, women aren't good at coaching football. Most women like wearing baby blue. It's always a woman doing those Pro-Activ commercials. All those acne scars? You know Norv is on that Pro-Activ payroll.

I've just given you plenty of checkmarks for the “Norv's A Woman” column. If anyone has any evidence Norv isn't a female masquerading as a terrible NFL coach, please tweet it to me: @SwervinTaters

Until then I'm going to call him Norva Turner. It's OK, Norva. I'd be sad if Philip Rivers was my boyfriend too. Broncos win 38-24.

Indianapolis (6-3) at New England (6-3)

Andy Lucky!
Chucky Strongy!
Andy Lucky!
Chucky Strongy!

I think the rookie goes to Cocksborough and shows up Captain America!

“I may not be banging a supermodel, Tom Brady, but I'm balls deep in your end zone right now!” - Andrew Luck after this Sunday's game.

Colts win 27-24.

(Editor's Note: Newest Industry refuses to divulge its sources from the future. Also, Andy Lucky refers to everybody by their full name. Of course, we refer to him as Andy Lucky.  We suppose fair is fair.)

Baltimore (7-2) at Pittsburgh (6-3)

Byron Leftwich is still alive?!?

How are the Steelers going to win without team captain and groping specialist Big Ben?

He is the only quarterback to have a British clock tower named after him.

Being that this is a Mike Tomlin-coached team, I think the Steelers keep this one close but lose in the end. Ravens win 21-17.

Chicago (7-2) at San Francisco (6-2-1)

Jay Cutler is officially out for this game.

He also, officially, has a really weird neck.

Moss gets in the end zone against these Bears. He was burning Charles Tillman during the cornerback's early years. Mr. Peanut Tillman will find out just how little things have changed in the last 10 years.

And I'll be laughing! Niners win 19-16.

Wait... this just in... Jay Cutler's status for Monday Night's game has officially been changed from “out” to “out of the closet.”

Boom! There you have it, America! Week 11 is almost certainly going to play out exactly as you've just read. May as well skip football this Sunday. Hang out around the house. Take your wifey to brunch. Check your text messages to make sure your girlfriends don't need rides home from a night of terrible mistakes (we're not writing blogs 24/7 y'know.  We get out sometimes).


For more of young Michael Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Remember, he's giving out free retweets to anybody who can prove the existence of Norva Turner's penis.

 


For more Newest Industry, we can be found on Twitter as well (NewestIndustry1). Be sure to give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Stop by and give us a “like” and we promise not to hit on you and your sexy girlfriends tonight. Promise.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 8 Picks!

Hello football fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 8... again!


(Bengals Cheerleader Sarah Jones aka The Greatest Cheerleader There Ever Was)

As we mentioned earlier this week, the whole structure of this week's Ten & Six was turned on its head thanks to the Vikings/Buccaneers game taking place Thursday night.  Scroll down to see how Mike thought that one was going to play out (hint... It could've gone better).

However, today is indeed Saturday and we know that it wouldn't be a Saturday without Mike's picks for the rest of the league.

If you include Thursday's Vikings game Mike is sporting a record of 69-54.

And so here we are, NFL.  Week 8.  What do ya think, Mikey?

Last week was a pretty good week for my picks, which went 10-3.  I'm going to wait to recap the Vikings/Bucs game until next week due to the fact that I'm still very angry and need a week to straighten the thoughts and let the rage fade.  With that said, on to this weekend's games.

Miami (3-3) at New York Jets (3-4)

Lots of bad blood between these division rivals.  Lots of trash talk.  First, the droopy Rex Ryan telling his team to "put hot sauce" on Reggie Bush, whatever the fuck that means.  Then the brutish Laron Landry said he wasn't, "gonna stop head-hunting."  At least he was straight forward!

Why are these two teams so angry?  Probably because accepting you're terrible isn't easy and the normal reaction is to just lash out.

The Jets somehow pissed last week's Patriots game away and they will find a way to piss this one away as well.  Dolphins win 24-23

San Diego (3-3) at Cleveland (1-6)

Ever wondered how NFL players and coaches spend their bye weeks?

Well, if you're Norv Turner the majority is spent crying, filming Proactiv commercials, and throwing darts at a picture of Phillip Rivers.

Speaking of Phillip Rivers, it will be interesting to see if his bye week diet of pizza bagels and Mountain Dew: Code Red will affect his play.  Can't make it worse, right?

As sad a team as the Chargers are, they will bounce back and beat the Browns 27-17

Indianapolis (3-3) at Tennessee (3-4)

Ever since the Titans got trounced by the Vikings their play has improved and they have two wins to show for it.

The Colts did their part last week in keeping cat food in my cat's mouth and out of mine.

So, here we have two slightly-below-average teams both coming off narrow victories.  The intrigue!  The excitement!

The Colts will be interesting again in two years when Andrew Luck starts dominating.  The Titans may never be interesting again, but they win this week 26-20

New England (4-3) at St. Louis (3-4)

The Patriots were lucky to escape with a win last week.  They can't seem to get out of their own way in the fourth quarter.

Last week, Tom Brady got the ball in the fourth at a point when a long drive would end the game.  What happened?  He went three & out!  That's something nobody is used to seeing.  Usually Captain America makes it look easy, drives the length of the field, and scores a touchdown with about 30 seconds left in the game.  Maybe things are changing in New England.

Regardless, Pats win this week 31-24

Jacksonville (1-5) at Green Bay (4-3)

It seems the Packers have reached the "cakewalk" part of their schedule.  Aaron Rodgers has hit his stride and that isn't a good sign for the hapless Jaguars.

I don't think any Jaguars team in history could win this game on Sunday.  Prove me wrong!  Packers win 31-17

Atlanta (6-0) at Philadelphia (3-3)

It's hard to figure out if the Falcons are contenders for a championship.  To me, they seem like the same old Falcons who have a 12 win regular season and get bounced early in the playoffs.

There simply isn't any clear-cut Super Bowl frontrunner at this point in the season.  Some would call it "league parity," I happen to think that there just aren't that many good teams.

This is no easy victory for the Falcons,  In fact, I'm taking the Eagles to win this game in 27-26.

P.S. Michael Vick is a dog owner again.  If I were that dog, I wouldn't want to go near the pool when Vick The Dick is around.  Probably stay away from that dusty rape stand in the attic too.

Washington (3-4) at Pittsburgh (3-3)

Is there a more perennially-overrated cornerback than D'Angelo Hall?  I gotta give him credit, all he does is get burned by the NFL's best wide receivers, yet he somehow maintains the paycheck & status of an elite cornerback.  Must've sucked a lot of dick along the way.

D'Angelo Hall: The Cameron Diaz of the NFL.

If you gave me a choice between Bob III and the Rapistberger... I'm sorry Big Ben, you bring a lot to the table, but it's Bob III all the way.  Too bad he can't play cornerback too.  Skins win 28-24

Seattle (4-3) at Detroit (2-4)

The Lions are dead.  All they needed to do was score two touchdowns last week and they couldn't get it done.

Now Megatron (1 TD this season) has a sore knee and Matt Stafford continues to do this weird sidearm throwing motion.  What the fuck is that?  Where did it come from?  He looks like an overgrown teenager.  Maybe after curling his hair one morning he was practicing his throwing motion in the mirror and said, "Yeah, this looks cool, this will get you laid Matty S."

(Editor's Note: It's a fact all teenagers refer to themselves in the third person. You can't argue with science.)

The Seahawks look tough.  They are built to win on the road and in the playoffs.  Feeling pretty good about picking the Seahawks as a surprise playoff team in my preseason preview.  Seahawks win easy 23-13.

Carolina (1-5) at Chicago (5-1)

Man, why does everyone have to be so racist?  They're only hating on Cam because he's black, we all know that.  It has nothing to do with his terrible completion percentage, his poor TD/INT ration, or his inability to, y'know, win football games.  Nope, it's just because he's black.

I heard it's supposed to rain on Sunday in Chicago... fucking racist jet stream.  Trying to keep Cam down?  Can't handle an African-American quarterback succeeding can you, jet stream?  I thought we'd come to a point in American history where race didn't have to come into play unnecessarily.  Shame on you, jet stream!  Thank goodness smart men like Warren Moon are around to protect our African-American athletes from racial bias.

Bears win 31-20 because Jay Cutler is white and Cam Newton is black.

Oakland (2-4) at Kansas City (1-5)

What a wretched game this will be.  I honestly would rather watch women's indoor volleyball than sit through this.  I would rather spend three hours shoveling horse manure.  I would rather watch Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus debate the meaning of life for 3 hours (if only for that really creepy father-daughter sexual tension they have).  Raiders win 20-10.  Yay.

New York Giants (5-2) at Dallas (3-3)

The Cowboys season-opening win against the Giants seems like a long time ago.

I will admit, I do enjoy watching the Cowboys, if only because it seems like Lil' Dezzy Bryant could freak out at any moment and start punching his mom again.

I think the Giants return the favor and win one in Jerry Jones' house, 27-21.

New Orleans (2-4) at Denver (3-3)

Drew Breezy vs. Peytie Manny!

I owe an apology to Peytie, whom I told to retire before he was upstaged by Phillip Rivers.  I learned my lesson, never bet on Phillip Rivers to upstage anyone.

I'm sorry, Peytie.  You shouldn't retire and I probably should.  You have everything, except, of course, a normal-sized forehead.

I have yet to call a Saints game correctly, but I think that ends Sunday.  Broncos win 38-28

San Francisco (5-2) at Arizona (4-3)

The Cardinals suck.  I mean, really suck.  Plus, let's all be mad at them for pissing away Larry Fitzgerald's prime.

Alex Smith is regressing and I think he needs a heavy dose of Moss Medicine.  I know it might not always taste good, but just take your Moss Medicine and you will like the results.  49ers win, Moss gets in the end zone.  Final score 23-13.

(Editor's Note: Moss Medicine has not been reviewed by the FDA.  It is not suitable for seniors, children under 10, Brad Childress, the Tennessee Titans, Green Bay fans or, just to be safe, JaMarcus Russell.)

Well there you go everybody!  Picks on picks on picks!  What's that Michael?  Your rage hasn't subsided from Thursday night's loss but you have to say something?  Alright, fair play.

Mike's Vikings Note:


The only thing I will say after that debacle of a Thursday night game, where everything that could go wrong did go wrong is this:

Anyone who thinks it's time for Joe Webb to replace Christian Ponder as starter is either drunk, dumb, or has no understanding of football (probably a combo of all 3).

The Vikings weren't Super Bowl Champions when they beat the Niners and they aren't the worst team in the league after this loss to the Bucs.  The Vikings are an average team that, when playing their best, are a good team.  When playing their worst, they're a bad team.  The sky isn't falling, it's not time to panic.  It all depends on how they respond next Sunday.

You all missed it because we cut off his microphone, but Mike then went on to claim that, "Newest Industry is for the children!  Fox Sports is good, but Ten & Six is the best!"  We're as surprised as you.

For more Mikey Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He's America's Finest Tweeter On Sundays.  Wait, AFTOS?  We need to spend less time googling Sarah Jones pictures.

This blog also lives on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give it a follow to stay up to date on our new posts as well as other work from our regular contributors.  More importantly, this blog has a Facebook page here. Stop by and give us a "like" if you have the time.  The more "likes" we get the better chance we have to get paid for this.  And frankly, we need it.  We're down to generic Moss Medicine.  It tastes kind of like Troy Williamson.  Please, give us a "like."

Saturday, July 28, 2012

SwervinTaters Bar Review #6: Brit's Pub


SwervinTaters: Doesn't care for the British, willing to drink they drank...

Heelllloooo, Twin Cities! Sorry it's been a minute since we did the old bar review. If you couldn't tell, Swervin is a busy, busy, suspicious man and tends to disappear for extended periods of time.

Fortunately for everybody involved, we caught up with him on the rooftop patio of Brit's Pub the other day.


If you're unfamiliar with Brit's, it's a downtown bar that, if you can believe it, is British-themed. You can always judge books by their covers. Located at 10th & Nicollet, it features two levels (actually three if you count their up-upstairs lounge, and a rooftop patio that overlooks 10th Ave & the Souteastern skyline.


They have a nice selection of beers, both English & local. They also have drinks that are, “dark, go in your belly, make ya warm,” which is always a nice combination. Also, they have a happy hour that runs from 4:30 to 6:30 and Midnight to 2:00 AM Sunday through Thursday.



Anyway, Ol' Swervin had a thing or two to say about Brit's. Check it: (do yourself a favor and bump the quality up to 360p. This camera's shit)


Damn! 4 Swerves for Brit's Pub! Let's check the big board and see where that leaves us:

CC Club: 4 Swerves
Brit's Pub: 4 Swerves
Loring Kitchen & Bar: 3.5 Swerves
Liquor Lyle's: 2 Swerves
Mortimer's: 2 Swerves

Tied for first place! You limey bastards!


 Alright, thanks for joining us this time. For more on Brit's Pub you can check out there website here.

As always, SwervinTaters is on Twitter (@SwervinTaters) and we can say, without hyperbole, that deciding to follow him is the best decision you'll make all year. 

Of course, this blog is on Twitter as well (@NewestIndustry1). Follow it. Frreal. Until next time...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

SwervinTaters Bar Review #5: Mortimer's

Hey Twin Cities! Big Brother Swervin is on a mission. That mission: Helping you achieve maximum enjoyment while slowly drinking yourself to death. And that’s not just the bar reviews. That’s a life mission.

Swervy spent the afternoon at Mortimer’s the other day. It didn’t go particularly well. Have a look:



Mortimer’s: It will turn you against old white people AND female white people! It will force you to form a new opinion on what’s wrong with America! And yet, 2 of 5 Swerves. Let’s check the scoreboard:

CC Club: 4 Swerves

Pat’s Tap: 3.5 Swerves

Loring Kitchen & Bar: 3.5 Swerves

Liquor Lyle’s: 2 Swerves

Mortimer’s: 2 Swerves

Welcome to last place, Mort’s!

Sadly, we can’t suggest a link to Mortimer’s website because they don’t have one. We’re assuming nobody there knows how to use a computer. If you want to know what it’s like, you’ll have to check it out yourself. Bring your coon skin cap.

As always, we thank SwervinTaters for his contributions to the blog, the Twin Cities, and the his tireless efforts to promote a sexy motion. If you need more SwervinTaters in your life (and you probably do), check him out on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).

Until next time, Amurrica…

SwervinTaters Bar Review #4: Loring Kitchen & Bar

Hey America!

Handsome Uncle Swervin is back from… well… we’re not sure where, but he’s back and he’s still on his bar review grind.

This week he spent the afternoon in the heart of the city at Loring Kitchen & Bar. And, contrary to whatever Jay-Z thinks, he found plenty of love. Have a look:



Blaow! 3 and a half Swerves for the LKB! Let’s check the big board:

 1st Place: CC Club - 4 Swerves

2nd Place (Tie): Pat’s Tap - 3.5 Swerves

2nd Place (Tie): Loring Kitchen & Bar - 3.5 Swerves

4th Place: Liquor Lyle’s: 2 Swerves

For more on Loring Kitchen & Bar, you can check their website here.

If you’re itching for more SwervinTaters, be sure to give his Twitter a follow (@SwervinTaters). He’s a great time-out taker.

There you have it, kiddies. Play nice.

SwervinTaters Bar Review #3: CC Club

Hey Amerrica! SwervinTaters is back and he celebrated President’s Day by going to the most presidential bar he knows: The CC Club. Have a look at his thoughts on this iconic Uptown spot:



What CAN you say about the CC Club? It’s a bar or an establishment… Whatever you wanna call it. Swervin calls it four out of five! The CC Club is the, er… clubhouse leader. Here’s the standings so far.

CC Club: 4 Swerves

Pat’s Tap: 3.5 Swerves

Liquor Lyle’s: 2 Swerves

For more info on the CC Club, you’ll just have to go there, because they don’t have a website.

As always, you can find more of SwervinTaters’ insight on life, whoredom, drinking, Minnesota sports, whores, life, & drinking by following him on Twitter (@SwervinTaters)

Sammy Sosa, baby!

Newest Industry: Doing Big Things #1

Working hard to bring you the best Twin Cities blog in the, er, Twin Cities.



Grinding hard, 24/7, man.

SwervinTaters Bar Review #2: Liquor Lyle's

Hey everybody!

That good looking man-about-town SwervinTaters stopped by Liquor Lyle’s this week for the Bar Review. A drunken time was had by all. Here’s what he thought of the bar:


Liquor Lyle’s: Don’t come here if you like yourself.

 Truer words were never spoken.

Thanks to Swervin for stopping by NI and sharing his opinion. If you’re not following him on Twitter (@SwervinTaters) you’re life is an unequivocal failure. Until next week…

SwervinTaters Bar Review #1: Pat's Tap

Welcome to the first edition of SwervinTaters Bar Review. Swervin is a longtime friend of ATU and a Twin Cities bar aficionado. This week he visited Pat’s Tap at 3510 Nicollet Avenue in South Minneapolis.



There ya go, folks! Not a bar for key bumps! Don’t act like he never told ya.

Pat’s Tap will inevitably be bragging about their 3 and a half Swerve rating very soon. Be sure to check their website here.

Thanks to Swervin for stopping by the blog. For more of his observations on life and bar, he’s a must-follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Until next week…