I read Seattle Times, I watch Seattle news...
Well hello again, fooball fans! Welcome to Ten & Six: Week 11!
The Vikings are riding high after defeating the Redskins last Thursday night. This week they find themselves in Seattle, the sight of last season's lowest moment of the year. They'll be squaring off against former teammate Percy Harvin, All-American boy Russell Wilson, and head coach Pete Carroll, history's greatest monster.
Mikey, what do we have to look forward to this week?
Welcome back football fans!
It was a wild week in the
NFL and my picks went 8-6 as a result. Not terrible but well below the
accuracy I strive for. That has been the story of my prognostication
season thus far, so lets see if I can change some things this week. Lets
make some picks!
New York Jets (5-4) at Buffalo (3-7)
Welcome young and old, to the 2013 Shitbowl Of The
Northeast!
This yawner certainly means something to someone somewhere,
but absolutely nothing to this guy right here. Almost less than nothing.
If you told me tomorrow that the Bills and Jets ceased to exist any
longer on our plane of reality, I would shrug my shoulders and go about
my day without any second thought of it.
One thing I have learned. If
anything goes wrong in your life, it makes you feel better to blame Rex
Ryan. Jets win (tries to scrub dirt off, can't scrub hard enough) 20-16.
Atlanta (2-7) at Tampa Bay (1-8)
The Falcons and Texans fanbases should play a pick
up basketball game with the winner being awarded the Saddest Fan Base Of
2013 trophy.
Expectations for the Falcons was sky high this year and
don't look now, but they have no more wins than our beloved Purple.
The
Bucs are riding a high after their win against the controversy-maligned
Dolphins. It would have been funny if the Bucs fired Shiano after his
first win just to shake things up and further confuse their elderly fan
base. I saw what a Mike Glennon looks like without a helmet on for the
1st time on Monday night and Jesus Christ! He looks like one of Santa's
elves spawned with a Scandinavian farm hand. Falcons win 19-17.
Detroit (6-3) at Pittsburgh (3-6)
So Big Ben might be unhappy in the Steel City? Maybe
what's really bothering Ben is the fact his second kid is on the way and
his days of groping 4-out-of-10's are long gone. His rape scope is dusty and
on the shelf. His hands aren't nearly as clammy as they used to be. He
just isn't the same guy anymore. Sure, he's still a big tall idiot, but
that's not unique! God, I'd want a change of scenery too. Stay the fuck
out of Minnesota, Rapistberger! Lions win 27-17 and strengthen their
hold on the NFC North lead. Nobody has had to write that sentence since
1991.
Washington (3-6) at Philadelphia (5-5)
The NFC East is pathetic and still very much up for
grabs mainly because everyone in the division is marginal at best. I
can't wait for the Cowboys to choke this division away in December, and
that will happen. It doesn't really matter who comes out of the NFC
East, they are going to be one and done.
Personally, I think it's going
to be the Eagles, which may upset a certain great bulk buying mind I
know, but hey, the truth hurts, I keep it real. Disregard the last
sentence if you were at all confused by it. Also, frig off, ten people
who read this column and didn't understand that. WE DON'T NEED YOU. Just
kidding, I desperately need you, don't judge me IT'S JUST A COUPLE
DRINKS OK?!?!? I HAVE CATS I'M NOT REALLY DRINKING ALONE! Eagles win
28-27.
Arizona (4-6) at Jacksonville (1-8)
Could it be two in a row for the Jags? No, no it can't.
Worth noting: The Jaguars last 2 wins have come against the Titans
though. Getting owned by the Jags hurts.
The Cards defense is far to
good to lose this game, and the Jags defense could make Scott Tolzien
look like a decent QB. Larry Fitzgerald and Carson Palmer could probably
win this game by themselves without an offensive line. I think the Jags
got their only win of the year last week. Cards win easy 24-10.
Oakland (3-6) at Houston (2-7)
I kind of like this scrappy Raiders team. They aren't
going to the playoffs or anything close, but they seem to be heading in
a positive direction. They've been in most every game, some of them
against quality teams.
They run into a Texans team that is hungry for a
win and starving for decent quarterback play. Detective Case Keenum
can't seem to solve an NFL defense, or the mystery of the Central Park
Strangler. You're about to ride the pine, Keenum! Texans pull out a win
16-13.
Baltimore (4-5) at Chicago (5-4)
Jay Cutler looked like an old man last week. Bum
groin, bum ankle, bum brain, just BUM. He was obviously playing hurt
and didn't get the win he so desperately wanted. I would bet Josh McCown
starts this weekend and, going up against Joe Flacco, I actually like
his chances.
The Ravens have struggled to string together multiple wins
all year, and Flacco has looked pedestrian. Almost like they are still
celebrating their championship from last year. Bears get the "W", 24-21.
Cleveland (4-5) at Cincinnati (6-4)
I really used up my reservoir of Ohio jokes the first
time these two teams met. Amateur mistake. Can't blow the whole load at
once, daddy might get called on again later. Yeah, shit just got weird.
The Bengals lost a game that the Ravens tried to give them a few
different ways. Every time I see Marvin Lewis patrolling the Bengals
sideline, I am, at first, fucking amazed, and second, impressed. He has
held an icy, death-like grip on an often terrible franchise through all
the bullshit, Chad Johnson Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Carson Palmer,
Akili Smith...ok not Akili Smith but it sure seems like it! Good on you,
Marv. Bengals win 26-20.
San Diego (4-5) at Miami (4-5)
Richie Incognito should have acted more like his name
suggests. The Dolphins offensive line is in shambles and it was easily
noticeable in their loss to the lowly Buccaneers. Tannehill was under
constant pressure to produce, and not just by that wife of his. The
result was about what you would expect, abject failure. Tannehill is a
poor man's Phillip Rivers at best, and that isn't a great recipe for
success. Chargers win one on the road, 23-16.
Green Bay (5-4) at New York Giants (3-6)
The only good news for the Packers is Clay Matthews
doesn't have to wear that ridiculous club on his right hand that
rendered him about as useful as you would expect a one-armed linebacker
to be. Aaron Rodgers said he finally was able to sleep through the
night. It's unknown if he was being woken up due to pain from his injury
or from the Mike McCarthy sexually-based night terrors he has suffered
from since being drafted. Eli and the Giants win a close one, 20-19.
San Francisco (6-3) at New Orleans (7-2)
The Niners could easily be looking at their second
loss in a row if Colin Kaepernick can't find a way out of this sophomore
slump he has been mired in ever since dominating the Packers in the
opening week.
Drew Brees is definitely not a sophomore and not in any
sort of slump. the man is five feet ten inches of unstoppable
quarterbacking fury. What would the Dolphins be like today if they had
went after Brees instead of Daunte Culpepper all those year ago? Ha ha,
sorry to twist that old rusty knife Dolphins fans, but Christ, your team
fucked that one up. Kaepernick can't find his stride, saints win 31-20.
Kansas City (9-0) at Denver (8-1)
The game of the week! Peyton Manning took a beating
last weekend and got an MRI that came back negative for any type of
personality.
Dwayne Bowe, on the other hand, now there's a guy with some
edge to him. Bowe was picked up for littering and, littering and,
littering and...SMOKING THE REEFER. A little pot. Big deal. Wait, it was
how much pot? Damn Dwayne! Wassup big dog holler, at your boy!
Alex Smith
is going to have to throw a couple passing touchdowns to hang with the
Peytie Manny and well, he certainly is due for a multi-touchdown game.
It's going to be a close one and fun to watch, I think Manning gets
knocked around early and thrown off his game, but battles back in the
4th to get the "W". Broncos win 29-27.
New England (7-2) at Carolina (6-3)
That Panthers defense has been playing out of their minds
ever since the Vikings game, their Front 7 in particular. Not to mention
they have the best "guy that sounds like a horse" in the league, Captain
Muderland. Annnd DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!!!
If Killa Cam can upstage
Captain America on national TV, the Panthers will all but solidify
their status as a legitimate threat to make some noise in the playoffs.
I'm as shocked as anybody that Ron Rivera is finding success this
season, but I don't think there is another team in the league where said
success has so little to do with coaching. With the Panthers defense
flying around like it is, you don't need the gameplan to be as sound as
say, the Cleveland Browns do, to win a game. The Panthers hot streak
keeps rolling and they win 20-17.
That's it, folks. On to the main event!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-7) at SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9-1)
The Vikings actually managed to win a game! The
streets were rich with purple celebration after last Thursdays victory
and the Vikings got to enjoy a long weekend off to rest up, relax, or
get DWI's.
Christian Ponder played his best game of the year and got a
little bit banged up in the process. With the long week to heal it looks
as though young Mr. Ponder will wear a harness on his left shoulder and
give it a go. Yipee. Hooray. WOO-FUCKING-HOO!
Now that I've got my
excitement under control I think we're ready to look at some positive(s)
and negatives from the game against Warshington. As always, the
positive(s) first.
Positive(s):
-Litchfield's Own Jon Carlson! After his 7 catch, 98 yard performance, Jon Carlson
has officially become the most successful thing to ever come out of
Litchfield. It only took him two and a half years to produce anything
worthwhile for this team so let's all give him a nice pat on the back.
-Adrian Peterson He is leading the league with 9 rushing touchdowns
and really put the team on his back in the 4th quarter. He drained the
clock with punishing runs, weakening the defense in the process. Without
this guy on the team, the Vikings wouldn't have a single win, much less
a gaudy TWO wins. The heart and soul of this team deserves a nod every
week.
-Ponder I begrudgingly add him to this list of positives even
though he didn't finish the game, he showed a lot of heart and even a
little personality. It was a nice change of pace from the tasteless box
of mashed potatoes we usually get from Ponder. Now who knows, if Ponder
plays the 4th quarter he might throw a pick six or do something else
ridiculously Ponder-esque but we can't necessarily hold that against
him. He played his first three solid quarters of football since last
year.
Negatives:
-Same Old Shit The defense went into some type of zone prevent and
was 6 yards away from completely crumbling once again. Erin Henderson
got away with holding in the end zone which would have put the ball on
the one yard line. This coaching staff does not handle late game
situations well at all. What else is new?
-Leslie Frazier's Final-Minute Time Out I will give him this, it was really fucking gutsy to
call that time out. He was watching Washington march down the field with
ease and he says his guys were gassed. OK, I believe you. If he takes
that time out and the Redskins score on the next play, I don't think
Leslie Frazier is the head coach for this game. An unconventional choice
for sure, and all is well that ends well, but your goddamn defense should
be playing in a scheme that gets a stop before the fucking goal line.
-Josh Freeman's Movember "Mustache" I've seen thicker hair on a cancer patient. That
pube-stache was so very disappointing. I'm just thankful that November is
half over already.
Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:
Key #1: Force Some Turnovers
Seattle is simply going to destroy time of possession
unless the Vikings can get some fumble recoveries or interceptions. The
Vikings need to average one take away a quarter and finish AT LEAST +2
in the take/give to even have a chance in this game. It would also help
if Ponder threw for more than 60 yards this time around.
Key #2: Score A Special Teams Touchdown
The Vikings need points from every unit if they are
going to win. Cordarrelle Patterson or Marcus Sherels need to take a
kickoff/punt to the house. Not only is it quick points, but provides a
real spark and swings momentum to the Vikings side. This would also be a
great game for the Vikings second defensive touchdown of the year so, if
anybody wanted to make that happen, it'd be great.
Key #3: Get Really Fucking Lucky
The Vikings are going to need every bounce to go
their way in order to win. Every stupid penalty, missed field goal,
dropped pass has to go in the Purple's favor. Aside from all that, the
Vikings only need to play a perfect fucking game and they should be just
fine.
Two Matchups To Watch:
Matchup #1: Percy Harvin vs. His Old Squad
Percy last played an NFL game in Seattle ironically,
as a member of the Vikings. We all remember that game. Ponder sucked,
Percy blew up on Leslie on the sideline and he never took another snap
in Purple. Harvin was traded to the Seahawks, and has yet to suit up
for them while recovering from hip surgery.
As I predicted in my Vikings Season Preview, this would be Harvin's first game back (That's just
about the only thing I predicted correctly in that preview). Well that
prediction has come to fruition, and it adds a certain level of intrigue
to what would normally be thought of as an easy NFL blowout.
One of the
main reasons I think the Vikings have a chance in this one is because a
lot of the guys on this team want to stick it to Percy. Spite and
revenge are some great motivators. I guarantee all Ponder has been
thinking about is out-performing Russell Wilson and showing Percy a
thing or two. I think Percy's snaps will be limited in order to ease him
back in, but if the Vikings showcase the tackling they did in the first
half against Washington, Percy Harvin (and Marshawn Lynch) are going to
do whatever they want. It should be interesting, I know I will be
watching closely.
Matchup #2: Cordarrelle Patterson vs. Richard Sherman & Co.
The rookie is likely to get his 1st start in the NFL
due to Jerome "Where's My Mirror" Simpson's arrest and I'm excited to
see what he does with increased in-game snaps. I have high hopes for
this kid, and I think we are looking at the Vikings future #1 wide
receiver. If he can have a solid game against this defense, he can do it
against anyone in the NFL. It's a tough first start for the rookie but I
think he has a couple big plays on Sunday.
Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week
Adrian Peterson, running back, YOUR Minnesota Vikings!
He went for 180 and two TD's last year in the same
stadium and AP has had to listen to comparisons to Marshawn Lynch all
week. AP will be out to prove just why he is the best back in football.
120 Yards/2TD.
Final Takes
On paper, the Vikings are set to get absolutely
destroyed by the Seahawks.
This game is going to have a high level of
intensity, I think it's going to be closer than many people think, even
into the 4th quarter.
The odds are stacked against our beloved Purple an
I wouldn't be surprised if they lost by two TD's. I also wouldn't be
surprised if they lost on a last second field goal/touchdown. I will
however, be very surprised if the Vikings find a way to pull this one
out.
Ponder plays better than his last trip to Seattle, but I don't
think he finishes the game either. He is going to get hit often and I
think one of those hits will knock him out of the contest. Vikings
perform admirably, but fall short.
Final Score
Minnesota Vikings: 24
Seattle Seahawks: 27
There you have it, folks! A tough loss for The Purple in Seattle. Look on the bright side, though: At least you don't live in Seattle.
For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).
The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin on a Sunday.
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