Ten & Six With Mike Otto - Week 13 (Thanksgiving Spectacular!)

I miss Pat Summerall...

Well hello again, turkey fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six!

It's Thanksgiving week, which means that Mike's usual Thursday Kickoff has been expanded to belt-busting proportions this week.  There's big games in Detroit & Baltimore, giving fans in those cities to take a day off from... um... not working.  There's also a not so big game in Dallas, which provides a fine opportunity to take a trytophan-induced nap.

Mikey, what do we have to look forward to this year?

The Vikings are just trolling everyone at this point. They managed to play a pathetic Packers team to a tie, completely fucking over their draft position and giving Packer fans a glimmer of hope for the playoffs in the process. All in all, the worst possible outcome.

With a loss the Vikings would have currently owned the 1st overall pick in next year's draft, with a win they would still be picking 4th overall, which they are now after the tie. A TIE. A FUCKING TIE. No satisfaction, no bragging rights, and no honor of being the team to dagger the Packers playoff hopes. Fat, dumb Packer fans were only kind of sad as a result of this game, as opposed to jumping out the second story of their Po Barns, as I was hoping for.

I'm still seeing red as a result of that game, and although their were some positives to take away from that new and inventive complete fucking disaster, I'm going to wait to examine the in-depth details until I've decompressed a bit more.

For now let's focus on an NFL tradition! You guessed it, we have some Turkey Day football to dissect! Let's hope the Lions stop playing like turkeys and decide to carve the Packers up like one instead. Megatron! Stafford! Flynn! Lacy! Terrible!

Green Bay (5-5-1) at Detroit (6-5)

There may be a turkey shortage in America but there won't be one in Detroit come Thursday! How many more turkey jokes do you think I can squeeze into these 3 picks? Take a guess! Closest guess wins my unwavering disdain.

The Lions typically break out their best game on Thanksgiving, they puff out their chests, display their great throwback plumage, and strut around Ford Field like cock of the walk. Now, granted, usually their "best game" is only good enough for a 3 or 4 point loss. Hopefully this year is different. CLUCK NOT FUCK! CLUCK NOT FUCK!

Stafford, you're not really going to let a "Matt Flynn" come into your bankrupt house and tell you to collect the trash more than once a month, are you? Sure, Detroit only has 23 operational ambulances, (sadly, that's not a joke) and sure there are a few abandoned schools and hospitals here and there, (who needs learning and medical care anyway?) but Detroit and the urban goats that own control of downtown D still have their pride OK? They aren't gonna let a bunch of hayseeds come into town with their "electricity" and "social order" and show up their goddamn football team on the day of Thanksgiving! Urban goat power! Not as good as urban electrical power mind you, but hey, at least when the rest of this country goes in the shitter, the residents of Detroit will have a head start on how to handle the dismal, bleak Hell-scape that will be all our realities. The Lions win one for the goats on Turkey Day, 31-24.

Oakland (4-7) at Dallas (6-5)

The Cowboys can be thankful for this cupcake opponent in this years Dallas-based shitshow. It will more than likely be a Matt McGloin-led Raiders team that heads into Dallas, and here I always thought the McGloin was a part of the turkey you cut off and discarded before the meal. Turns out, it's actually this year's best option at quarterback for the Raiders. This year it's a "Matt McGloin," next year it's a "Chad Wishbone" (The only wish he won't be able to grant is a competent passing game).

The Cowboys will make this game more difficult than it needs to be because they always do. Last week, Dez Bryant was dropping the football on the ground like he was a vegan carrying a turkey with sabotage on the mind. Dez gets over his droppsies and maybe one day gets a name with 4 letters. Cowboys win, 23-16.

Pittsburgh (5-6) at Baltimore (5-6)

Suddenly this unnecessary third Thanksgiving Day game has some meaning! Both teams are 5-6 and it's still hard to believe Joe Flacco is the highest paid QB in the NFL. That dufus really cashed in on the gravy train and now seems content to go back to being undeniably average.

Ben Broethlisberger (see what I did there) has his team on a hot streak that seems unlikely yet is still occurring. Never bet against a Mike Tomlin-led squad's ability to find a way to win games. Even when you're the oldest, slowest, ugliest turkeys left in the yard you have something going for you: nobody wants to kill and eat you anymore. (Obligatory pause to pat myself on the back for that stellar Pittsburgh-Steelers-are-old-unwanted-turkeys-that-no-one-wants-to-kill metaphor).

This might be the most competitive and compelling game of the day and of course the only one you will need a hundred-dollar-a-month cable package to watch. Who's the turkey now? Gobble Gobble. Steelers keep it going and get the "W", 26-24.

If you guessed 8 turkey jokes in 3 picks, good job!  Don't worry about that whole unwavering disdain thing, you probably already had that anyway. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY! Talk to all 15 of you on Saturday when I get back to the sad task of talking Vikings football. Until then stay safe and don't forget to feed your local urban goat.

There you have it, folks!  Three games less exciting than your aunt's candied yams!  Happy Thanksgiving, America!  Remember, as tough as things may seem, all but one of you can be thankful you're not Mike McCarthy.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.       

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Super Bowl Sunday!

I catch the beat runnin' like Randy Moss...

Well hello once again, football fans!  Super Whore Bowl Sunday is finally upon us!

It's been a long season, but we're finally here.  After a week off for rest, we're honored to be joined by great football mind Michael Otto.  If you doubt his credentials, check the web for another pigskin prognosticator who picked the Vikings to finish 10-6.

This year's Super Bowl (as you may have heard) features the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens.  They are coached by two brothers separated by 15 months (Jim & John Harbaugh).  There's also a Vikings connection to this year's game, with the Ravens suiting up ex-Vikes Matt Birk & Bryant McKinnie and a certain greatest wide receiver ever suiting up for the 49ers, the one, the only, Randy Moss.

Mike's been reading his scouting reports and breaking down game film all in an attempt to predict how this year's game will play out.

So, Michael, thoughts?

Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

It's the Super Bowl, homeboy!  This is Ten & Six!

For the first time ever, the NFL will have blood brothers John & Jim Harbaugh facing off against each other's respective teams in the biggest football game of the year.  I think the Harbaugh Bros should switch sides before the game and see if anybody notices the difference.  Ray Lewis would be overheard muttering (through uncontrollable sobs), "That don't smell like our Harbaugh."

In another NFL first, Norv Turner and his brother Glorv Turner became the first brother tandem to run the train on Dan Snyder during Super Bowl weekend.

(Editor's Note: That may not be true.  Then again, Glorv is an enabler...)

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour has reached its conclusion.  Will he dance and cry off into the sunset?  Or will he be forced to ride home in the trunk of his buddy's car, head hung in shame, suit stained with the blood of his opponents?  Let's not forget, Ray already has a Super Bowl ring, while another aging former superstar on the other sideline, Randy Moss, does not.

Randy is trying to get his first ring and this might be his last chance to do it as a starting wide receiver.  I'll be rooting for Harbaugh West and Randy Moss come Sunday.  Ray Lewis and Haurbaugh East: you can't simply stab your way into everyone's heart.

Three Keys To A Ravens Victory:

Key #1: Force turnovers

You have to find a way to negate Colin Kaepernick's incredible athletic ability and the best way to do that is to force the kid into some mistakes.  He's essentially a rookie quarterback playing in the Super Bowl.  Even though he didn't show any nerves against the Falcons it's very possible he will have some jitters come Sunday.

If the Ravens can force a couple of interceptions or fumbles they'll be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy come Sunday night.

Key #2: Bend but don't break

The Niners are going to move the ball between the 20's, they simply have too many weapons not to.  If the Ravens defense can hold the Niners to field goals it will be much easier for Joe Flacco to take control of the game through long, methodical drives that end in touchdowns.

I don't think the Ravens can win a shootout against the Niners, so it will be important to keep the score relatively low in the early going.

Key #3: Feed the ball to Ray Rice

The Niners have lost games this year when their opponents play more physically and win the battle in the trenches.  The Ravens need to hand the ball to Ray Rice.  They need to throw it to him.  Pitch it, flick it, nip it, hit it!  All of it to "Ruh-Roh!" Ray Rice.

Boss the Niners Front 7 around a little, get them on their heels early in this game, and the tide will undoubtedly turn in the Ravens favor.

Three Keys To A Niners Victory:

Key #1: Unleash Colin Kaepernick!

The Niners have the most electrifying player in the NFL.  Harbaugh West needs to put the young man in a position to succeed based on his superior athletic ability.  There's no point in complicating things now.  A relatively simple offensive scheme coupled with Kaepernick's impressive size, speed, & downfield vision have got the Niners this far and you best the ride the horse that got you here.

Key #2: Spread the ball around

The Niners have the unique advantage of 5 solid options for running or receiving success on any given play.  Between Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, Vernon Davis and Frank Gore, one is bound to be open.  On the off chance they are all covered, Kaepernick can take off and burn you all by himself.

Very few teams can put 5 players on the field at the same time who must all be accounted for.  The Niners need to play to that strength to spread the Ravens defense out and keep them off balance.

Key #3: Perform a pagan ritual sacrifice before kickoff

The football gods must be satisfied!  Blood must be spilled!  Heads must be ceremoniously lopped off! Stick to the books and sacrifice the douche-iest current figure in all of sports.

Sorry, Joe Buck, but you had a good run.  You rode your father's coattails to the pinnacle of sports announcing and now we need that head.  Come over here and help me sharpen my machete, Joe.  We want that head to come off with one clean lop.

Lopping off Joe Buck's head on live TV will come in at #2 on the "Most Disgraceful Acts In Sports" list, right behind Randy Moss fake mooning the Lambeau crowd.  You made the scale, Joey, we're just trying to live by it.

If the Niners can successfully sacrifice Joe Buck during pre-game warm-ups it would go a long way toward their victory.

Three Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1: Randy Moss vs. Ed Reed & The Top Of The Defense (and the rest of the world)

Let's face it, it's always had the feeling of Randy vs. The World and he performs his best when he realizes that.  Randy Moss has always had a chip on his shoulder and he's never claimed to be a humble man when it comes to football.  Anyone who is "shocked" to hear Moss proclaim himself, "the greatest receiver of all time" hasn't followed Randy's career too closely.

Whether you think Randy Moss or Jerry Rice is the greatest of all time doesn't matter because there's only one of them playing on Sunday.  I'm truly going to enjoy watching what I consider the best wide receiver of all time running down the sideline stride-for-stride with Ed Reed, who, by the way, I consider to be the best safety of all time.

Matchup #2: Joe Flacco vs. "The Elite Club"

Flacco has stood on the doorstep of greatness for a couple of years now, yet has never gotten too far from the curb of failure.  The man has had to face constant doubt from pundits and fans, yet handled all of it in stride.  Such is the life of a good-but-not-great (yet) NFL quarterback.

If Flacco wins on Sunday he will have proven himself as elite, he will have silenced the haters, and finished this chapter in the NFL history books.

Matchup #3: The Battle Of Jimmy & Johnny Harbaugh

You can't talk about this Super Bowl matchup without talking about the Har-Bros facing off against each other.  This isn't just about bragging rights for the rest of their lives, but about bragging rights for generations to come!

Just think, 150 years from now Jim Harbaugh VII will be facing off against John Harbaugh VI on an episode of Maury over who is the father of little Barbella IV (Yes, Maury is still alive 150 years from now).  I can hear it now - "My daddy beat your daddy back in the day, so we all know I have the winning sperm!  That's my baby girl!"

(Also, yes, in an odd turn of events, would-be fathers actually want to be that babydaddy 150 years from now.  The future's a scary place, people.)

Yes, a lot is on the line in New Orleans on Sunday, least of all the Lombardi Trophy.  An entire generational lineage hangs in the balance, along with the rights to bang future societal outcast Barbella III and create the 4th coming of Barbella Christ Turner.  Errr.... Go Niners!

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week:

Pull your #84 jerseys out!  It's gonna be a fun ride!

I'm thinking Randy Moss adds a Super Bowl winning TD to his resume this weekend.

"Everone's wondering whether Moss gonna come out today.  Moss, are you gonna come out today?" 

Well Randy, you showed us all throughout your entire career just what your intentions were.  Calvin Johnson, Brandon Marshall, A.J. Green... they all follow the Moss model.  The man modernized how defenses play game-breaking wide receivers.  Hell, he created the game-breaking wide receiver.  The old man has one more big game in him.

Stat Line: 106 yards, 1 TD

Final Takes

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour is doomed.

If this were the Falcons or Packers I would say the Ravens probably win this game, but this Niners team is a monster and they are clicking on all cylinders.

Quite simply, there are very many different scenarios in which I can imagine the Niners winning this game.  There are very few scenarios in which I can picture a tearful Ray Lewis hoisting the Lombardi Trophy above his head one last time.

The Ravens will have to play a perfect game to win.  Are they capable of that?  Yes.

Will it happen?  No.

Final Score:

San Francisco 49ers: 31

Baltimore Ravens: 23

Well there you have it, football fans!  The 2012 NFL season ends with Randy Moss cradling the Lombardi Trophy!  One can only hope.

For more of Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry taking on the biggest stories of the week in our Trendsetting column.  He owns a #84 Vikings jersey.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.