Ten & Six With Mike Otto - Week 13 (Thanksgiving Spectacular!)

I miss Pat Summerall...

Well hello again, turkey fans!  Welcome to Ten & Six!

It's Thanksgiving week, which means that Mike's usual Thursday Kickoff has been expanded to belt-busting proportions this week.  There's big games in Detroit & Baltimore, giving fans in those cities to take a day off from... um... not working.  There's also a not so big game in Dallas, which provides a fine opportunity to take a trytophan-induced nap.

Mikey, what do we have to look forward to this year?

The Vikings are just trolling everyone at this point. They managed to play a pathetic Packers team to a tie, completely fucking over their draft position and giving Packer fans a glimmer of hope for the playoffs in the process. All in all, the worst possible outcome.

With a loss the Vikings would have currently owned the 1st overall pick in next year's draft, with a win they would still be picking 4th overall, which they are now after the tie. A TIE. A FUCKING TIE. No satisfaction, no bragging rights, and no honor of being the team to dagger the Packers playoff hopes. Fat, dumb Packer fans were only kind of sad as a result of this game, as opposed to jumping out the second story of their Po Barns, as I was hoping for.

I'm still seeing red as a result of that game, and although their were some positives to take away from that new and inventive complete fucking disaster, I'm going to wait to examine the in-depth details until I've decompressed a bit more.

For now let's focus on an NFL tradition! You guessed it, we have some Turkey Day football to dissect! Let's hope the Lions stop playing like turkeys and decide to carve the Packers up like one instead. Megatron! Stafford! Flynn! Lacy! Terrible!

Green Bay (5-5-1) at Detroit (6-5)

There may be a turkey shortage in America but there won't be one in Detroit come Thursday! How many more turkey jokes do you think I can squeeze into these 3 picks? Take a guess! Closest guess wins my unwavering disdain.

The Lions typically break out their best game on Thanksgiving, they puff out their chests, display their great throwback plumage, and strut around Ford Field like cock of the walk. Now, granted, usually their "best game" is only good enough for a 3 or 4 point loss. Hopefully this year is different. CLUCK NOT FUCK! CLUCK NOT FUCK!

Stafford, you're not really going to let a "Matt Flynn" come into your bankrupt house and tell you to collect the trash more than once a month, are you? Sure, Detroit only has 23 operational ambulances, (sadly, that's not a joke) and sure there are a few abandoned schools and hospitals here and there, (who needs learning and medical care anyway?) but Detroit and the urban goats that own control of downtown D still have their pride OK? They aren't gonna let a bunch of hayseeds come into town with their "electricity" and "social order" and show up their goddamn football team on the day of Thanksgiving! Urban goat power! Not as good as urban electrical power mind you, but hey, at least when the rest of this country goes in the shitter, the residents of Detroit will have a head start on how to handle the dismal, bleak Hell-scape that will be all our realities. The Lions win one for the goats on Turkey Day, 31-24.

Oakland (4-7) at Dallas (6-5)

The Cowboys can be thankful for this cupcake opponent in this years Dallas-based shitshow. It will more than likely be a Matt McGloin-led Raiders team that heads into Dallas, and here I always thought the McGloin was a part of the turkey you cut off and discarded before the meal. Turns out, it's actually this year's best option at quarterback for the Raiders. This year it's a "Matt McGloin," next year it's a "Chad Wishbone" (The only wish he won't be able to grant is a competent passing game).

The Cowboys will make this game more difficult than it needs to be because they always do. Last week, Dez Bryant was dropping the football on the ground like he was a vegan carrying a turkey with sabotage on the mind. Dez gets over his droppsies and maybe one day gets a name with 4 letters. Cowboys win, 23-16.

Pittsburgh (5-6) at Baltimore (5-6)

Suddenly this unnecessary third Thanksgiving Day game has some meaning! Both teams are 5-6 and it's still hard to believe Joe Flacco is the highest paid QB in the NFL. That dufus really cashed in on the gravy train and now seems content to go back to being undeniably average.

Ben Broethlisberger (see what I did there) has his team on a hot streak that seems unlikely yet is still occurring. Never bet against a Mike Tomlin-led squad's ability to find a way to win games. Even when you're the oldest, slowest, ugliest turkeys left in the yard you have something going for you: nobody wants to kill and eat you anymore. (Obligatory pause to pat myself on the back for that stellar Pittsburgh-Steelers-are-old-unwanted-turkeys-that-no-one-wants-to-kill metaphor).

This might be the most competitive and compelling game of the day and of course the only one you will need a hundred-dollar-a-month cable package to watch. Who's the turkey now? Gobble Gobble. Steelers keep it going and get the "W", 26-24.

If you guessed 8 turkey jokes in 3 picks, good job!  Don't worry about that whole unwavering disdain thing, you probably already had that anyway. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY! Talk to all 15 of you on Saturday when I get back to the sad task of talking Vikings football. Until then stay safe and don't forget to feed your local urban goat.

There you have it, folks!  Three games less exciting than your aunt's candied yams!  Happy Thanksgiving, America!  Remember, as tough as things may seem, all but one of you can be thankful you're not Mike McCarthy.

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.

For more Newest Industry be sure to give us a follow on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Trivial as it seems, stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.       

Trendsetting #3: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

No one gives a fuck about shit, so fuck your shit...

Well hello again, everybody!  Newest Industry pretty much took the last week off, but we're back now with the third installment of Trendsetting!

For those of you who don't quite know what you're looking at right now (or who those two drunks in the photo are), here's the scoop:  Each week we send Mike Otto (left) & TCDroogsma (right) a list of the trending news stories from around Minnesota and around the world.  They then send us their take on the story.  As always, they have not read each other's comments before publishing.

So, Mikey, Droogsy, what'd you think?

01. Mumford & Sons take home the Album Of The Year Grammy award for their album Babel

Mike:

     The Grammys just seem like another terrible staple of the American entertainment industry.  In the grand scheme of things, this shit is completely meaningless.  I could care less what they're wearing and I don't care for a "Gotye" or a "Mumford & Sons" (nor do I really know what they are.

     What I do know is this; I will wait/I will wait/for you... to go away.  Then I will be able to die happy.


TCDroogsma:

     And somehow people still can't comprehend why the terrorists hate America.

02. Pope Benedict announces his pending resignation, becoming the first pope to resign the post in 600 years.

Mike:

     So the Pope says he's getting old.  He wants to retire he says.  Wants to enjoy the rest of his life before he dies he says.  Well, Mr. Pope, what, may I ask, could be more enjoyable than basking in the glory of your Lord and Savior while, I might add, also honoring him by serving as the highest ranking "Earthly" member of the Christian church?  Get at me on Twitter, I hear you do that now.

TCDroogsma: 

     The news came as a surprise to the Cardinals & Archbishops who regularly attend a morning meeting with the Pope.  Allegedly, before entering his morning meeting with them he asked that the lights be turned down low.  He then slowly entered through a side door, dressed in all black, telling the assembled clergy, "They say they never really miss you 'til you dead or you gone, so on that note, I'm leavin' after this psalm."  He then dropped his mic & threw up the Roc.

    That's right, this whole "retirement" is really just an exercise in re-branding as the Catholic Church tries to distance themselves from a scandalous past by basking in the reflected glory of Jay-Z & Beyonce.  I'm very excited for Pope Benedict to come back like Jordan (wearing the 4-5) to release his version of "Yes, Church In The Wild."

03. Olympic downhill skier (and St. Paul native) Lindsey Vonn shreds two ligaments in her knee during competition.

Mike:

     Add this to the looonnng list of Lindsey Vonn leg injuries.  Wouldn't call her "injury prone," though.  Things like this are bound to happen when you're rocketing down a mountain at speeds over 70 MPH with no padding.

     At least she has her new boyfriend, Tiger Woods, to nurse her back to health.  When asked about what attracts him to Lindsey, Tiger said, "We can relate to each other because we're both world class athletes.  Also, it's nearly impossible to break the rear window of an Escalade with a ski-pole."

TCDroogsma:

     That's an unfortunate turn of events for one of St. Paul's favorite daughters.  Fortunately, this injury will give Vonn plenty of time to drown herself in spray-on tan, drink too many whiskey cokes, invest in some trashy lingerie, put on 30 lbs. in all the wrong places, perfect her lapdance technique, and really become Tiger's dream woman.

04. A St. Paul man is arrested after threatening to shoot a construction worker when she plays talk radio too loud, thus revealing the ending of the Minnesota/Michigan basketball game before he could watch it.

  
Mike:

     Hey, hey, hey guy, let's all calm down a little bit here.  You don't want to shoot this construction worker, she's innocent in all of this.  You are definitely not following the "Clem Haskins Path Of Least Resistance" model and you should be ashamed.

     Plus, you're going to need those bullets to take your own life when the Gophers miss the NCAA Tournament because, apparently, that's how much college basketball means to you.  Yeah, these are the people we want having guns.

TCDroogsma:

     Before threatening the construction worker this man should have asked himself a few questions:  Is this a big game?  Is it a matchup of longtime rivals?  Is their a chance that this game could be the turning point of the season?  Most importantly, does one of the teams involved have the word "Minnesota" written across its jerseys?  If you answered "yes" to these questions, you don't need to watch the game to know how it ended.

05. The Baltimore Ravens defeat the San Francisco 49ers after weather a 30 minute blackout during the Super Bowl.

Mike:

     In a post-game interview Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis thanked God for the win, his career, his children, the toast he ate that morning, people named Lenny, giraffes, Sea World, radiators, wool socks, and the show 'Bob's Burgers.'

     God was reportedly unimpressed, but admitted, "at least it's not Tebow."

TCDroogsma:

     It was a tough week for San Francisco residents as 49ers cornerback was Chris Culliver embarrassed his team & the city's GLBT community with some homophobic statements followed by the 49ers losing to the Ravens in incredibly dramatic fashion.

     But keep your head up, San Francisco.  According to every jackass hipster I've ever spoken to, your city is home to "the bessstttt burritos...."  and that, "You have to visit, man.  It's the best."  So congrats, the absolute worst people in the Midwest think you're great.  That's something to hang your hat on.

06. Nor'easter Nemo drops nearly three feet of snow on cities up and down the East Coast.

Mike:

     As we all know, the only snowstorms that matter happen on the East Coast.  This has been getting a ton of national media attention and I really feel for everyone in those affected states.

     They don't want the attention!  They don't want our pity!  No, this fine group of shy, humble East-Coasters just want the cameras to go away so they can all get back to their regular lives of thinking their shit don't stink.

TCDroogsma:

     I can completely understand why this was such a big story in the media.  It's not like any other crazy stories came up this week.  I'm sure if some important story broke, like, say, the government finally releasing the details of a program in which missle-armed robots killed American citizens, that would have definitely been a bigger deal. 

     I mean, if something of that magnitude had happened, you can bet your ass the proud, vigilant, hard-working bastions of integrity that make up the American media would have abandoned a weather-related story about the inconveniences of a tiny fraction of the country and taken to their computers to alert the nation to the details of the government's increasingly rapid slide into an Orwellian nightmare.

07. In Papua New Guinea, a woman accused of witchcraft is stripped, tortured, and burned alive in front of hundreds of people.

Mike:

     (Crosses Papua New Guinea off list of potential honeymoon destinations)

     You're fuckin' up, Papua New Guinea!

TCDroogsma:

     A tragic story, to be sure, but I feel like the most important question isn't being asked:  Was her witchcraft in any way responsible for the snowstorm that hit the East Coast?  I heard some people's cars got buried!  Crazy!

08. The Minneapolis City Council approves an ambitious 10 year plan to revitalize downtown Hennepin Avenue with a visitors hub, event spaces, & "distinctive public art."

Mike:

     So the City Council wants to Portland-ize downtown Minneapolis.  If they truly wanted to emulate Portland the would kick all the Fortune 500 companies out of MPLS and make the thousands of newly unemployed fight over the two remaining job: a part-time cook at a bar and an Urban Bean barista.

TCDroogsma:

     Finally the useless, filthy hipsters from Uptown and the smug, pretentious hipsters from Northeast meet in the middle, creating a utopia of banjo-and-fiddle bands playing to crowds of literally dozens of people who rode their bikes down Hennepin and locked them up to "distinctive" bike racks shaped like fucking loons or something.

09.  After allegedly killing three people, former LAPD officer Christopher Dorner continues to elude an ever-expanding manhunt.

Mike:

     Christopher "John Rambo" Dorner continues to evade the best and brightest law enforcement officials from throughout the country.  Even after considering the use of a drone strike on U.S. soil for the first time everrrrrrr, nobody, man or machine, can track this guy down.

     By the time we find this guy he will have tamed and trained an army of wild wolverines, in which case we should probably all admit he's just better than us and give him the keys to the White House.

TCDroogsma:

     I just hope we all remember who the real victim in all of this is:  The LAPD's up-until-now sterling reputation.  For decades, the nation's law enforcement community has held up the Los Angeles Police Departments work as a shining example of how to do things the right way.  And now, thanks to one bad cop, that reputation has been besmirched!  Yeah, I said it, besmirched!

10.  First Avenue held the fourth annual Minnesota Beard-Off competition for "Best Beard In Minnesota" on Saturday night.

Mike:

     First of all, being able to grow a beard is not a talent, it's an incredibly common genetic trait.  Anyone who thinks their beard should be celebrated and given fanfare or awards has very little else going on in their life.

     They have likely come to the realization that this is the only way they will ever win anything other than a chicken wing eating contest or the "honorable mention" they received in the 1997 Creative Kidstuff "Lego Castle Contest."  Sometimes you truly test my patience, Minneapolis.

TCDroogsma:

     While I have no idea who actually won the contest, I know that really, everybody who stayed away from First Avenue Saturday night won big.

There you have it, folks!  Another week's worth of trending stories brought down a peg.  Hate, hate hate...

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  For even more Mike Otto, leave a brandy ginger on your porch.  He's bound to catch the scent eventually.

For more TCDroogsma be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.  For even more TCDroogsma... who's kidding who?  That's more TCDroogsma than anybody asked for.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) which you can follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Divisional Playoffs Weekend

So here we are again...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!

Sadly, their will be no Vikings coverage for the next few weeks.  Unless, of course, someone gets arrested or annuls a marriage.  That doesn't mean Mike Otto isn'st still thinking thoughts.  Football thoughts.

So, we press on, purple or no purple.

Mike, what are we looking for this weekend?

Welcome back to Ten & Six!

The Vikings' season came to an unceremonious end last weekend and even though it was a great year, I can't help but think there could have been more.  Christian Ponder's badly bruised elbow/tricep prevented him from playing, leaving backup QB Joe Webb completely overwhelmed.

Joe Webb is one heck of an athlete, no doubt about that, but his accuracy and pocket presence as a passer is downright pathetic.  At least all the, "Why isn't Joe Webb starting?" people got an answer to their question.  At this point he is nowhere near a starting quarterback in the NFL.

Now, do I think the Vikings win that game if Christian Ponder starts?  Probably not, but it would have been close until the end.

I will completely break down the Vikings season after the Super Bowl, but for now I'm going ot try to improve on that 1-3 playoff record from last weekend. 1-3? Yuck!

(#4) Baltimore at (#1) Denver

Why the Ravens could win:

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour!  His teammates want to give him a goodbye ring.

The Broncos played in a garbage division all year and didn't have to play good teams on a consistent basis.

Really, that's about it.  No real reasons Joe Flacco can win this game.

Why the Broncos could win:

They have the Peytie Manny.

They have one of the most complete defenses in football.

Joe Flacco will fuck this up.  One playoff win per year is pretty much his limit.

Who I think takes it:

Too much going against the Ravens in this one.  I think Peytie is going to take the Broncos to the Super Bowl this year.  This game is only close for two quarters.  Broncos win 27-13.

(#3) Green Bay at (#2) San Francisco

Why the Packers could win:

Colin Kaepernick could have the jitters.  Two months ago he was the backup quarterback.  Now he's going to start a playoff game with everything on the line.

The also have playoff-tested Aaron Rodgers, and one thing's for sure, he won't be cracking under the pressure Saturday night.

Why the 49ers could win:

Their defense is big and physical.  When they get rolling... wooo boy!  Watch out!

They have the power of Moss on their side.  We all know how much Randy loves sticking it to the Pack.

Dear Randy, 

Make every sad Vikings fan's day, get your first two touchdown game since 2009 and knock the Pack out!  For 'Sota!

Love always,

Spiteful, bitter Vikings fans everywhere.

Who I think takes it:

It's all going to come down to how Colin Kaepernick performs.  If the kid can handle the pressure, it's curtains for the Packers.  Unfortunately, I see this moment being a little too big for the young QB.

Close game throughout, but Aaron Rodgers ices it in the 4th with on of those Aaron Rodgers-type drives that leaves a good defense looking pedestrian.  Packers win 31-24.  Fuck.

 (#5) Seattle at (#1) Atlanta

Why the Seahawks could win:

It's Matt Ryan.  It's a divisional playoff game at home.  Sound familiar?

The Falcons never convinced me of their toughness this year and, compared to the physicality of the Seahawks, they look downright soft.

The Seahawks have a much better running game and Russell Wilson has proven time and again he can handle big spots.

The Seahawks have a ton of momentum built up and will be facing a team that has been resting for two weeks.  The Falcons may have trouble matching the Seahawks intensity out of the gate.

Why the Falcons could win:

They have Roddy White and Julio Jones, arguably the best wide receiver tandem in the league.

Matt Ryan knows all the questions that arise if he loses this game.  He should be playing like his career is on the line (even though it isn't).

Who I think takes it:

Defense wins championships!  The Seahawks don't have a single weak link in theirs.

Russell Wilson just keeps getting better.  If last year's draft was held again today Wilson would be a top 5 pick.

Seahawks win the bird battle 26-24.

(#3) Houston at (#2) New England

Why the Texans could win:

Jesus loves Texas?  Good god, I don't know!

I honestly sat for 10 minutes trying to come up with a real reason the Texans could pull this out and finally just accepted the fact that they're going to need a miracle.

Why the Patriots could win:

Belichik.  Brady.  Cocksborough.  Enough said?

The Texans offense looked terribly out of sync against the Bengals and, as good as J.J. Watt is, he's not going to win this game by himself.

Arian Foster has had some good numbers, but he's also looked a little plodding and pedestrian.

Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, and Foster would all have to play the game of their lives to hang with Brady & Co.

Who I think takes it:

I just don't see any way the Texans beat Tom Brady in his own backyard this weekend.  I mean, anything can happen in football, but it's going to take 3 touchdowns from J.J. Watt ot even make this close.  Patriots win 35-20

There you have it, football fans!  The march to the Super Whore continues!

As always, a big thanks to Mike for stopping by to drop some knowledge bombs.  Be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters) for more commentary this weekend.  Expect lots of pro-Moss, anti-Pack ranting and raving.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  It may seem trivial, but stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.