Trendsetting #3: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

No one gives a fuck about shit, so fuck your shit...

Well hello again, everybody!  Newest Industry pretty much took the last week off, but we're back now with the third installment of Trendsetting!

For those of you who don't quite know what you're looking at right now (or who those two drunks in the photo are), here's the scoop:  Each week we send Mike Otto (left) & TCDroogsma (right) a list of the trending news stories from around Minnesota and around the world.  They then send us their take on the story.  As always, they have not read each other's comments before publishing.

So, Mikey, Droogsy, what'd you think?

01. Mumford & Sons take home the Album Of The Year Grammy award for their album Babel

Mike:

     The Grammys just seem like another terrible staple of the American entertainment industry.  In the grand scheme of things, this shit is completely meaningless.  I could care less what they're wearing and I don't care for a "Gotye" or a "Mumford & Sons" (nor do I really know what they are.

     What I do know is this; I will wait/I will wait/for you... to go away.  Then I will be able to die happy.


TCDroogsma:

     And somehow people still can't comprehend why the terrorists hate America.

02. Pope Benedict announces his pending resignation, becoming the first pope to resign the post in 600 years.

Mike:

     So the Pope says he's getting old.  He wants to retire he says.  Wants to enjoy the rest of his life before he dies he says.  Well, Mr. Pope, what, may I ask, could be more enjoyable than basking in the glory of your Lord and Savior while, I might add, also honoring him by serving as the highest ranking "Earthly" member of the Christian church?  Get at me on Twitter, I hear you do that now.

TCDroogsma: 

     The news came as a surprise to the Cardinals & Archbishops who regularly attend a morning meeting with the Pope.  Allegedly, before entering his morning meeting with them he asked that the lights be turned down low.  He then slowly entered through a side door, dressed in all black, telling the assembled clergy, "They say they never really miss you 'til you dead or you gone, so on that note, I'm leavin' after this psalm."  He then dropped his mic & threw up the Roc.

    That's right, this whole "retirement" is really just an exercise in re-branding as the Catholic Church tries to distance themselves from a scandalous past by basking in the reflected glory of Jay-Z & Beyonce.  I'm very excited for Pope Benedict to come back like Jordan (wearing the 4-5) to release his version of "Yes, Church In The Wild."

03. Olympic downhill skier (and St. Paul native) Lindsey Vonn shreds two ligaments in her knee during competition.

Mike:

     Add this to the looonnng list of Lindsey Vonn leg injuries.  Wouldn't call her "injury prone," though.  Things like this are bound to happen when you're rocketing down a mountain at speeds over 70 MPH with no padding.

     At least she has her new boyfriend, Tiger Woods, to nurse her back to health.  When asked about what attracts him to Lindsey, Tiger said, "We can relate to each other because we're both world class athletes.  Also, it's nearly impossible to break the rear window of an Escalade with a ski-pole."

TCDroogsma:

     That's an unfortunate turn of events for one of St. Paul's favorite daughters.  Fortunately, this injury will give Vonn plenty of time to drown herself in spray-on tan, drink too many whiskey cokes, invest in some trashy lingerie, put on 30 lbs. in all the wrong places, perfect her lapdance technique, and really become Tiger's dream woman.

04. A St. Paul man is arrested after threatening to shoot a construction worker when she plays talk radio too loud, thus revealing the ending of the Minnesota/Michigan basketball game before he could watch it.

  
Mike:

     Hey, hey, hey guy, let's all calm down a little bit here.  You don't want to shoot this construction worker, she's innocent in all of this.  You are definitely not following the "Clem Haskins Path Of Least Resistance" model and you should be ashamed.

     Plus, you're going to need those bullets to take your own life when the Gophers miss the NCAA Tournament because, apparently, that's how much college basketball means to you.  Yeah, these are the people we want having guns.

TCDroogsma:

     Before threatening the construction worker this man should have asked himself a few questions:  Is this a big game?  Is it a matchup of longtime rivals?  Is their a chance that this game could be the turning point of the season?  Most importantly, does one of the teams involved have the word "Minnesota" written across its jerseys?  If you answered "yes" to these questions, you don't need to watch the game to know how it ended.

05. The Baltimore Ravens defeat the San Francisco 49ers after weather a 30 minute blackout during the Super Bowl.

Mike:

     In a post-game interview Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis thanked God for the win, his career, his children, the toast he ate that morning, people named Lenny, giraffes, Sea World, radiators, wool socks, and the show 'Bob's Burgers.'

     God was reportedly unimpressed, but admitted, "at least it's not Tebow."

TCDroogsma:

     It was a tough week for San Francisco residents as 49ers cornerback was Chris Culliver embarrassed his team & the city's GLBT community with some homophobic statements followed by the 49ers losing to the Ravens in incredibly dramatic fashion.

     But keep your head up, San Francisco.  According to every jackass hipster I've ever spoken to, your city is home to "the bessstttt burritos...."  and that, "You have to visit, man.  It's the best."  So congrats, the absolute worst people in the Midwest think you're great.  That's something to hang your hat on.

06. Nor'easter Nemo drops nearly three feet of snow on cities up and down the East Coast.

Mike:

     As we all know, the only snowstorms that matter happen on the East Coast.  This has been getting a ton of national media attention and I really feel for everyone in those affected states.

     They don't want the attention!  They don't want our pity!  No, this fine group of shy, humble East-Coasters just want the cameras to go away so they can all get back to their regular lives of thinking their shit don't stink.

TCDroogsma:

     I can completely understand why this was such a big story in the media.  It's not like any other crazy stories came up this week.  I'm sure if some important story broke, like, say, the government finally releasing the details of a program in which missle-armed robots killed American citizens, that would have definitely been a bigger deal. 

     I mean, if something of that magnitude had happened, you can bet your ass the proud, vigilant, hard-working bastions of integrity that make up the American media would have abandoned a weather-related story about the inconveniences of a tiny fraction of the country and taken to their computers to alert the nation to the details of the government's increasingly rapid slide into an Orwellian nightmare.

07. In Papua New Guinea, a woman accused of witchcraft is stripped, tortured, and burned alive in front of hundreds of people.

Mike:

     (Crosses Papua New Guinea off list of potential honeymoon destinations)

     You're fuckin' up, Papua New Guinea!

TCDroogsma:

     A tragic story, to be sure, but I feel like the most important question isn't being asked:  Was her witchcraft in any way responsible for the snowstorm that hit the East Coast?  I heard some people's cars got buried!  Crazy!

08. The Minneapolis City Council approves an ambitious 10 year plan to revitalize downtown Hennepin Avenue with a visitors hub, event spaces, & "distinctive public art."

Mike:

     So the City Council wants to Portland-ize downtown Minneapolis.  If they truly wanted to emulate Portland the would kick all the Fortune 500 companies out of MPLS and make the thousands of newly unemployed fight over the two remaining job: a part-time cook at a bar and an Urban Bean barista.

TCDroogsma:

     Finally the useless, filthy hipsters from Uptown and the smug, pretentious hipsters from Northeast meet in the middle, creating a utopia of banjo-and-fiddle bands playing to crowds of literally dozens of people who rode their bikes down Hennepin and locked them up to "distinctive" bike racks shaped like fucking loons or something.

09.  After allegedly killing three people, former LAPD officer Christopher Dorner continues to elude an ever-expanding manhunt.

Mike:

     Christopher "John Rambo" Dorner continues to evade the best and brightest law enforcement officials from throughout the country.  Even after considering the use of a drone strike on U.S. soil for the first time everrrrrrr, nobody, man or machine, can track this guy down.

     By the time we find this guy he will have tamed and trained an army of wild wolverines, in which case we should probably all admit he's just better than us and give him the keys to the White House.

TCDroogsma:

     I just hope we all remember who the real victim in all of this is:  The LAPD's up-until-now sterling reputation.  For decades, the nation's law enforcement community has held up the Los Angeles Police Departments work as a shining example of how to do things the right way.  And now, thanks to one bad cop, that reputation has been besmirched!  Yeah, I said it, besmirched!

10.  First Avenue held the fourth annual Minnesota Beard-Off competition for "Best Beard In Minnesota" on Saturday night.

Mike:

     First of all, being able to grow a beard is not a talent, it's an incredibly common genetic trait.  Anyone who thinks their beard should be celebrated and given fanfare or awards has very little else going on in their life.

     They have likely come to the realization that this is the only way they will ever win anything other than a chicken wing eating contest or the "honorable mention" they received in the 1997 Creative Kidstuff "Lego Castle Contest."  Sometimes you truly test my patience, Minneapolis.

TCDroogsma:

     While I have no idea who actually won the contest, I know that really, everybody who stayed away from First Avenue Saturday night won big.

There you have it, folks!  Another week's worth of trending stories brought down a peg.  Hate, hate hate...

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  For even more Mike Otto, leave a brandy ginger on your porch.  He's bound to catch the scent eventually.

For more TCDroogsma be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.  For even more TCDroogsma... who's kidding who?  That's more TCDroogsma than anybody asked for.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) which you can follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Songs Of The Week #26: TCDroogsma

Whitehorse, Wake Owl, Amor De Dias, & Carroll...

Well hello again, MP3 junkies! Welcome to Songs Of The Week #26!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Songs Of The Week, here's the scoop. Each week we ask two of our regular contributors to download and review the songs given away via The Current's Song Of The Day podcast. As always, we strongly suggest that you click here to subscribe to the podcast yourself. Playing along at home is fun for the whole family! Assuming, of course, that your family likes middling indie rock.

As you may have noticed last week (and will notice again this week), we're still down to one reviewer. TCDroogsma will continue to fly solo here at SOTW until one of our other contributors is available to play along. Until then, sorry everybody, you're stuck with TCDroogsma.

As always, there is a poll to the righthand side of the page. Feel free to vote for your favorite of this week's tracks. The artist with the most votes receives the honor of validation by strangers on the internet, arguably the highest honor a musician can receive.

So, let's get into this one. Droogsy, thoughts on this week's songs?

01. Whitehorse – Devil's Got A Gun (from the album The Fate Of The World Depends On This Kiss)

TCDroogsma:

      There's a pretty short list of things an indie rock song can do that will immediately make me like it. First off, hooks-on-hooks-on-hooks. Ya'll know where my heart lies. The second: boy/girl vocals. I have no idea why I have such a soft spot for the multi-sex vocal approach, but I do (and it allows me to use terms like, “multi-sex vocal approach." Win/win!)

      Whitehorse does a masterful job using western-sounding guitars and bongos to build up the verse before busting out a go-for-broke hook on the chorus. Beef up the guitars & keyboards and replace the boy/girl vocals with some suffocatingly over-acted British vocals and this is a Muse b-side. I don't know if Whitehorse is aiming for anthems, but they come awfully close with “Devil's Got A Gun.”

Final Score: 3.5/5

02. Wake Owl – Wild Country (from the EP Wild Country)

TCDroogsma:

      On Twitter yesterday Andrea Swensson (@LocalCurrent) went on a bit of a mini-rant because somebody had referred to the state of folk music today as the #Luminera (brutal hastag, I know). She proceeded to say the this era of platinum-selling folk artists (Mumford, Lumineers, etc...) had been around for years already and that it was stupid to call “right now” the Luminera. She punctuated a couple of tweets with the question “What's next?”

      Now, you all know that I pretty much loathe all Americana/folk music. Like any genre, it has its bright spots (Bon Iver, the new Jim Ruiz album, maybe half a dozen Mason Jennings songs), but for the most part it just makes me angry/sleepy. I bring all this up because The Current's obsession with “What's next?” is disgusting. First of all, they are pretty much responsible for this wretched “Luminera” since, as Swensson mentions, they were playing Mumford & Sons four years ago. So, thanks for that, MPR. Act like you weren't circle jerking all over that first Fleet Foxes album. Second, in the ceaseless search for “What's next?” they risk dismissing songs like “Wild Country” out of hand, which is a shame.

      As I mentioned, whatever “folk music” is defined as, it's typically not my cup of tea. However, it seems that Wake Owl has cracked the code of making this music tolerable to me. If you were to look at my list of all-time favorite songs they would all have one thing in common: hooks. To that end, the bridge/chorus of “Wild Country” hits the sweet spot. I could do without the flatline melody of the verses and my anti-fiddle stance dates back nearly 20 years. But that chorus... the questions asked by the bridge (“maybe this is my heart/maybe it's yours”) are answered quickly and brutally in the chorus (“If I want to leave, I will/Stand on my feet, I do...”). A rare moments of lyrics with a spine and an earworm of a hook in a “folk” song. Dismiss “Wild Country” at your own risk.

Final Score: 3/5

03. Amor De Dias – Jean's Waving (from the album The House At Sea)

TCDroogsma:

      There's a lot of 90's to be found in “Jean's Waving,” which, of course, means I'm immediately attracted to it. The guitar shares the same bouncy quality as something like “Brimful Of Asha” and the vocals never sound forced or intentionally quirky. Basically, Amor De Dias seems to realize that they've written a gem of a song and, instead of drowning it in bells and whistles, they should just play it and let it work its magic.

      Maybe its just the Midwesterner in me, but the fact that the song stays modest with its charm appeals to me. Some female vocals in the chorus & a few plunked keyboard notes are all the song needs to sound perfectly complete. Amor De Dias never goes over the top to sell the song and they reap the rewards of the old “less is more” approach. Thoroughly enjoyable.

Final Score: 3.5/5

04. Carroll – Lead Balloon (from the EP Needs)

TCDroogsma:

      There's a lot going on in “Lead Balloon.” Noodling guitars, swooshing guitars, a keyboard that drops in and out of the mix, lyrics that, at times, are literally about balloons...

      All things considered, “Lead Balloon” is a charming, if somewhat forgettable song. Carroll sounds like they're trying to be everything to everyone (and, admittedly, they come closer to pulling it off than most bands), but it leaves them sounding like they're pretty good at most things, but not excellent at any one thing.

Final Score: 2.5/5

There you have it, music fans! Another week's worth of songs downloaded, reviewed, and filed away.

Please remember, neither this blog nor its contributors is in any way affiliated with the artists reviewed, The Current, or Minnesota Public Radio. We're just music fans with keyboards and too much time on our hands.

For more TCDroogsma be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma). He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio. His podcast was recently described as “sarcasm... brilliance mixed with non-sense.” We couldn't describe it better ourselves.

For more Newest Industry be sure to follow us on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly we have a Facebook page here. Stopping by and giving us a “Like” is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Trendsetting #2: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

If they hate then let them hate...

Hello again, everybody!  Welcome to the second installment of Trendsetting with Mike Otto & TCDroogsma!

First off, huge thanks to everybody who stopped by and had a look at the inaugural post last week.  It was a huge success and we got a lot of positive feedback.

For those of you who are wondering exactly what it is you're looking at, here's the deal:  Each week we send TCDroogsma & Mike Otto the trending news stories of the week.  Some are local, some are national, some are global.  All we ask of them is to give us their two cents on each story.  They each send us their thoughts and (without them seeing each other's take on the subject) we post them here.  And they receive no cents.  It's quite a scam.

Anyway, Mikey, Droogsy... thoughts?

1.  Hillary Clinton resigns her post as Secretary Of State.  She is replaced by John Kerry.

Mike:

     Hillary recently was admitted to a hospital with a blood clot in her brain. Yikes!

     In much less publicized news, everyone who has spoke to John Kerry in the last 5 years has either shot themselves in the head or simply died of old age. He will be speaking to Congress, right? 

TCDroogsma:

     Is Obama just fucking around with all the DFL's also-rans?  If I go to the White House I'll probably find Bill Richardson out mowing the lawn.  Or John Edwards driving Michelle Obama around town.  Wait, scratch that last one.  No reasonable man would leave his wife alone with John Edwards.

2. The US Department Of Education calls for all high schools to have modified sports for disabled students.

Mike:

     I thought every high school already had modified sports for disabled students? How do you explain women's high school basketball?

TCDroogsma:

     I'm not so sure what the big deal is, basketball's been a varsity sport for years. Oh wait... they probably mean physically handicapped don't they?

3. The Twins wrap up the 2013 TwinsFest, thus ending their relationship with the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome.

Mike:

     The end of an era. All I can think about is how I never got to throw a hot dog or double A battery at Chuck Knoblauch.

 TCDroogsma:

     I went down to TwinsFest this year and guess what, you guys?  I met Vance Worley!  No kidding!  Vance! Fucking! Worley!  The Tiny Vancer! In the flesh!  Do you think he'll remember me at the World Series parade?

4. Justin Bieber officially passes Lady Gaga as the most followed person on Twitter.

Mike:

     In other words, a shortstack lesbian-look-alike Canadian took over the title of "Greatest North American Piece of Shit" from a dude in a wig and a machine gun bra. How ambiguous of you, America.

TCDroogsma:

     I can't say that I'm totally surprised by this one.  Lady Gaga's tweets have pretty much just been an incoherent mashing of characters since her hands turned into a motorcycle wheel.

5.  Red Bull Crashed Ice draws 115,000 people to St. Paul

Mike:

     That's the most people that have gathered in St. Paul since the Republican National Convention! Unfortunately for the small, yet strong, hooker population of St. Paul, Crashed Ice bros "stimulate" the local economy about 10 times less than the GOP representatives, making modern Republicans the most sexually depraved people on the planet.

TCDroogsma:

     Proof positive that idiots will go watch anything as long as it's free and has a beer tent.

6. Vikings tight end Kyle Rudolph is named MVP of the Pro Bowl

Mike:

     Aaaaaaannnd the beginning of the end of your career starts .....now!

TCDroogsma:

     Great, another completely irrelevant sporting accomplishment that out-of-towners and the sports media will use to claim that being a Minnesota sports fan is not that bad.  As if the Lynx winning a WNBA championship wasn't enough.

7. President Obama plans to visit North Minneapolis to showcase his initiatives for reducing gun violence.

Mike:

     Most everyone will be moved by President Obama's speech, especially local resident Johnathan T. Smith, age 22, who will believe he is watching one of the Black Eyed Peas speak.

TCDroogsma:

     Obama's message to the country is simple: Remove illegal firearms from the hands of at-risk youth and replace them with Hot Cheetos and/or Takis. #Crunch

8. Punxsutawney Phil awakes from his slumber, comes out of his hole, and sees his shadown, thus predicing an early spring.

Mike:

     The squirrels that live inside my wall have been banging like its Spring for weeks now.

TCDroogsma:

     The next day, zealots from both sides continued to argue about whether or not a groundhog in Pennsylvania is responsible for a permanent shift in climate or whether these patterns have existed on the planet for years and are part of a natural cycle.  When reached for comment Phil replied:  "It's my day off."

9. The Dow climbed above 14,000 for the first time since 2007

Mike:

     The fake money index is the highest it has been in 5 years! Fake money investors are rejoicing in the streets! One young Wall Street banker was quoted as saying "I Just hope I die of a massive coronary before the shit hits the fan again" 

TCDroogsma:

     I thought the quarters I have to scrape up to buy coffee each morning seemed extra shiny.

10. Uptown bar The Lowry is holding a "Celebrating Scott Seekins" week, celebrating the local artist and encouraging people to dress up as Seekins

Mike:

     So if you find yourself in the Lowry this weekend and are surprised by the strangely large amount of pedophile lookin' dudes, don't panic, it's just a Scott Seekins look-alike contest... OK maybe you should still panic, but not because your kid is going to get abducted... OK maybe because your kid is going to get abducted. 

TCDroogsma:

     A chance for Uptown residents to shave their facial hair into a stupid pattern, wear a filthy outfit, meticulously "style" their hair, ride their bike to the bar, get drunk on cheap beer, and pretend they're an artist?  Last I heard that was just called "Wednesday."

11. Casey Anthony files for bankruptcy

Mike: 

     I hate to be cynical, but the world would be a better place if she just offed herself. She got lucky and was acquitted by a jury of her shithead peers and now has more than likely been buried in debt from her trial's expenses and whatever gets a murderer off these days. Have another drink, Casey.

TCDroogsma:

     Man, some people just can't catch a break.

12.  Maple Grove's Rebecca Hill is found to have given her 12 year old daughter heroin

Mike:

     And suddenly, another contender for parent of the year enters the arena! Move over Kirill Bartashevich.

     The 12 year old was reportedly hospitalized for withdrawal symptons last week. Needless to say, ANY amount of heroin is too much heroin for a 12 year old. I mean c'mon, mom I know you're all high on heroin and all, but could I not do heroin today? I feel like I'm falling behind on my heroin- I mean homework. DON'T HAVE KIDS IF YOU'RE STILL A FUCKING IDIOT PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

TCDroogsma:

     Good lord!  When did Maple Grove become the Thailand of Twin Cities suburbs?  Between the heroin-addled mothers and the underage sex tapes of their hockey team Maple Grove may not be the best place to raise a kid these days.

There you have it, everybody!  Another week of trending news stories put in their place!

For more Mike Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry penning our Vikings/NFL column Ten & Six.

For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found here on Newest Industry recording our weekly Flatbasset podcast and participating in Songs Of The Week.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we also have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Super Bowl Sunday!

I catch the beat runnin' like Randy Moss...

Well hello once again, football fans!  Super Whore Bowl Sunday is finally upon us!

It's been a long season, but we're finally here.  After a week off for rest, we're honored to be joined by great football mind Michael Otto.  If you doubt his credentials, check the web for another pigskin prognosticator who picked the Vikings to finish 10-6.

This year's Super Bowl (as you may have heard) features the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens.  They are coached by two brothers separated by 15 months (Jim & John Harbaugh).  There's also a Vikings connection to this year's game, with the Ravens suiting up ex-Vikes Matt Birk & Bryant McKinnie and a certain greatest wide receiver ever suiting up for the 49ers, the one, the only, Randy Moss.

Mike's been reading his scouting reports and breaking down game film all in an attempt to predict how this year's game will play out.

So, Michael, thoughts?

Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

It's the Super Bowl, homeboy!  This is Ten & Six!

For the first time ever, the NFL will have blood brothers John & Jim Harbaugh facing off against each other's respective teams in the biggest football game of the year.  I think the Harbaugh Bros should switch sides before the game and see if anybody notices the difference.  Ray Lewis would be overheard muttering (through uncontrollable sobs), "That don't smell like our Harbaugh."

In another NFL first, Norv Turner and his brother Glorv Turner became the first brother tandem to run the train on Dan Snyder during Super Bowl weekend.

(Editor's Note: That may not be true.  Then again, Glorv is an enabler...)

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour has reached its conclusion.  Will he dance and cry off into the sunset?  Or will he be forced to ride home in the trunk of his buddy's car, head hung in shame, suit stained with the blood of his opponents?  Let's not forget, Ray already has a Super Bowl ring, while another aging former superstar on the other sideline, Randy Moss, does not.

Randy is trying to get his first ring and this might be his last chance to do it as a starting wide receiver.  I'll be rooting for Harbaugh West and Randy Moss come Sunday.  Ray Lewis and Haurbaugh East: you can't simply stab your way into everyone's heart.

Three Keys To A Ravens Victory:

Key #1: Force turnovers

You have to find a way to negate Colin Kaepernick's incredible athletic ability and the best way to do that is to force the kid into some mistakes.  He's essentially a rookie quarterback playing in the Super Bowl.  Even though he didn't show any nerves against the Falcons it's very possible he will have some jitters come Sunday.

If the Ravens can force a couple of interceptions or fumbles they'll be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy come Sunday night.

Key #2: Bend but don't break

The Niners are going to move the ball between the 20's, they simply have too many weapons not to.  If the Ravens defense can hold the Niners to field goals it will be much easier for Joe Flacco to take control of the game through long, methodical drives that end in touchdowns.

I don't think the Ravens can win a shootout against the Niners, so it will be important to keep the score relatively low in the early going.

Key #3: Feed the ball to Ray Rice

The Niners have lost games this year when their opponents play more physically and win the battle in the trenches.  The Ravens need to hand the ball to Ray Rice.  They need to throw it to him.  Pitch it, flick it, nip it, hit it!  All of it to "Ruh-Roh!" Ray Rice.

Boss the Niners Front 7 around a little, get them on their heels early in this game, and the tide will undoubtedly turn in the Ravens favor.

Three Keys To A Niners Victory:

Key #1: Unleash Colin Kaepernick!

The Niners have the most electrifying player in the NFL.  Harbaugh West needs to put the young man in a position to succeed based on his superior athletic ability.  There's no point in complicating things now.  A relatively simple offensive scheme coupled with Kaepernick's impressive size, speed, & downfield vision have got the Niners this far and you best the ride the horse that got you here.

Key #2: Spread the ball around

The Niners have the unique advantage of 5 solid options for running or receiving success on any given play.  Between Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, Vernon Davis and Frank Gore, one is bound to be open.  On the off chance they are all covered, Kaepernick can take off and burn you all by himself.

Very few teams can put 5 players on the field at the same time who must all be accounted for.  The Niners need to play to that strength to spread the Ravens defense out and keep them off balance.

Key #3: Perform a pagan ritual sacrifice before kickoff

The football gods must be satisfied!  Blood must be spilled!  Heads must be ceremoniously lopped off! Stick to the books and sacrifice the douche-iest current figure in all of sports.

Sorry, Joe Buck, but you had a good run.  You rode your father's coattails to the pinnacle of sports announcing and now we need that head.  Come over here and help me sharpen my machete, Joe.  We want that head to come off with one clean lop.

Lopping off Joe Buck's head on live TV will come in at #2 on the "Most Disgraceful Acts In Sports" list, right behind Randy Moss fake mooning the Lambeau crowd.  You made the scale, Joey, we're just trying to live by it.

If the Niners can successfully sacrifice Joe Buck during pre-game warm-ups it would go a long way toward their victory.

Three Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1: Randy Moss vs. Ed Reed & The Top Of The Defense (and the rest of the world)

Let's face it, it's always had the feeling of Randy vs. The World and he performs his best when he realizes that.  Randy Moss has always had a chip on his shoulder and he's never claimed to be a humble man when it comes to football.  Anyone who is "shocked" to hear Moss proclaim himself, "the greatest receiver of all time" hasn't followed Randy's career too closely.

Whether you think Randy Moss or Jerry Rice is the greatest of all time doesn't matter because there's only one of them playing on Sunday.  I'm truly going to enjoy watching what I consider the best wide receiver of all time running down the sideline stride-for-stride with Ed Reed, who, by the way, I consider to be the best safety of all time.

Matchup #2: Joe Flacco vs. "The Elite Club"

Flacco has stood on the doorstep of greatness for a couple of years now, yet has never gotten too far from the curb of failure.  The man has had to face constant doubt from pundits and fans, yet handled all of it in stride.  Such is the life of a good-but-not-great (yet) NFL quarterback.

If Flacco wins on Sunday he will have proven himself as elite, he will have silenced the haters, and finished this chapter in the NFL history books.

Matchup #3: The Battle Of Jimmy & Johnny Harbaugh

You can't talk about this Super Bowl matchup without talking about the Har-Bros facing off against each other.  This isn't just about bragging rights for the rest of their lives, but about bragging rights for generations to come!

Just think, 150 years from now Jim Harbaugh VII will be facing off against John Harbaugh VI on an episode of Maury over who is the father of little Barbella IV (Yes, Maury is still alive 150 years from now).  I can hear it now - "My daddy beat your daddy back in the day, so we all know I have the winning sperm!  That's my baby girl!"

(Also, yes, in an odd turn of events, would-be fathers actually want to be that babydaddy 150 years from now.  The future's a scary place, people.)

Yes, a lot is on the line in New Orleans on Sunday, least of all the Lombardi Trophy.  An entire generational lineage hangs in the balance, along with the rights to bang future societal outcast Barbella III and create the 4th coming of Barbella Christ Turner.  Errr.... Go Niners!

Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week:

Pull your #84 jerseys out!  It's gonna be a fun ride!

I'm thinking Randy Moss adds a Super Bowl winning TD to his resume this weekend.

"Everone's wondering whether Moss gonna come out today.  Moss, are you gonna come out today?" 

Well Randy, you showed us all throughout your entire career just what your intentions were.  Calvin Johnson, Brandon Marshall, A.J. Green... they all follow the Moss model.  The man modernized how defenses play game-breaking wide receivers.  Hell, he created the game-breaking wide receiver.  The old man has one more big game in him.

Stat Line: 106 yards, 1 TD

Final Takes

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour is doomed.

If this were the Falcons or Packers I would say the Ravens probably win this game, but this Niners team is a monster and they are clicking on all cylinders.

Quite simply, there are very many different scenarios in which I can imagine the Niners winning this game.  There are very few scenarios in which I can picture a tearful Ray Lewis hoisting the Lombardi Trophy above his head one last time.

The Ravens will have to play a perfect game to win.  Are they capable of that?  Yes.

Will it happen?  No.

Final Score:

San Francisco 49ers: 31

Baltimore Ravens: 23

Well there you have it, football fans!  The 2012 NFL season ends with Randy Moss cradling the Lombardi Trophy!  One can only hope.

For more of Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry taking on the biggest stories of the week in our Trendsetting column.  He owns a #84 Vikings jersey.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.