Well hello again, everybody! Welcome to the sixth installment of Trendsetting with Mike Otto & TCDroogsma!
For those of you who aren't quite sure what you're looking at, here's the deal. Each week we scan the newspaper and the internet for the stories that are trending here in Minnesota and all around the world. Once we settle on ten or so we send the stories off to Mike & Travis and ask them to give us their thoughts. Then, rather than horde them for ourselves, we share them with you, the reader, in an attempt to take over the blogosphere via sarcasm & obscenities.
As always, Mike and Travis have not read each other's comments before this posting.
So, Mikey, Travis... it was a big, stupid week out there. What'd you think?
01. Minnesota Twins catcher (and St. Paul native) Joe Mauer announces that he and his wife are expecting twins.
Mike Otto:
St. Paul's prodigal son will soon be a dad! Of TWINS no less! Although nobody knows if the little bundles of joy will be boys or girls, identical or fraternal, we do know they will be able to walk straight out of the womb and will have to DH day games after night games.
TCDroogsma:
I couldn't be happier for Joe Mauer. When Sid Hartman clumsily asked Mauer about the conception process, Mauer responded, "You know, I just tried to stay in there and work with what I was given. Just try to stay patient and wait for her to make a mistake. When I got my chance I just tried to keep my stroke simple and put some good wood on it." It was unquestionably the most sexually-disturbing press conference since the Lynx won the WNBA title.
02. Gary Becker,the former mayor of Racine, Wisconsin, is released from prison after serving time for sexual assault of a child and child enticement.
Mike Otto:
Yes, even the mayors in Wisconsin are diddlers. Gary Becker is back in Racine and living 2 blocks from an elementary schoo, no less! Don't worry though, 2 years of getting turned into swiss cheese by fellow inmates has totally given him perspective on life.
TCDroogsma:
I am not touching this news story. Unless, of course, someone offers me some cheese curds, a Mark Chmura jersey, and a ride home.
03. Fomer NBA player Dennis Rodman visits North Korea.
Mike Otto:
"OHHHH GREAT LEADER YOU MAKE SUN AND MOON IN SKY... "
Rodman came back singing the praises of Kim Jong-Un, even going so far as to call him a friend. Don't be too surprised, Rodman would have called Stalin a friend if he took him out for the weekend and picked up every tab.
TCDroogsma:
According to the state-controlled North Korea media Kim Jong-Un and Rodman played an epic one-on-one game that was one by the North Korean dictator 55-30 with Kim Jong-Un hitting ten straight threes, grabbing 45 rebounds, and, remarkably, notching 25 assists.
04. Budweiser is battling lawsuits from several states claiming that their flagship variety is "watered down" before bottling, thus skewing the listed alcohol content.
Mike Otto:
What? WHATTTT!?!? Budweiser has been the long standing bastion of integrity in the beer industry. Their reputation as the highest quality beer in the nation is no more. It has been discovered that their magic recipe of hops, corn and water is a little heavy on the water aspect and I, for one, am shocked and saddened. On the bright side, at least America's large homeless community is staying hydrated.
TCDroogsma:
Turns out watering down the beer gives Budweiser its uniquely "American" taste. If the TV, pop music, movies, literature, and media in America are going to be watered down to their most bland and tasteless it stands to reason that we should be drinking piss water as we consume them.
05. President Obama and congress fail to reach an agreement prior to the March 1st deadline, allowing across the board sequestration cuts to federal spending.
Mike Otto:
I just don't give a fuck anymore. I can't care about this shit or it will put me in an early grave. If I was as bad as congress at my job I would have been fired a long time ago.
Here's an idea, if congress doesn't get their "work" done on time, they don't get paid. How much you wanna bet all this sequester debt ceiling deadline BULLSHIT would have been taken care of weeks ago. Oh yah, I forgot, that would mean our elected officials are held to the same set of rules as the rest of society. Silly me. Fuck them all, the shit they are deliberating over doesn't effect any of them, their families, or their 6 figure salaries. American Politics is a broken system. I used to care. I just can't anymore.
TCDroogsma:
I say good fucking riddance. Let's not forget that this doesn't mean a base cut in spending, but rather a smaller increase in spending than what federal agencies were expecting. Boo fucking hoo. God forbid the U.S. takes even a tiny step toward being more fiscally responsible. I've found new ways to tighten my belt every week for the last three years. These agencies can do the same.
06. According to reports, three Indiana residents are accused of necrophilia after killing two people and engaging in sexual actions on the bodies.
(Editor's Note: As Mike mentions, it's impossible to find any information on this story online, including pictures of the suspects. We figured this picture of Reggie Miller would suffice.)
Mike Otto:
The three Necrophiliacs in question, a 18 year old female and her 2 boyfriends, lured 2 unsuspecting 22 year old males to a residence in suburban Indiana, where they murdered their guests (strangulation) and then continued to have a threesome on top of their fresh corpses.......so yah. I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the world! Nothing is sacred, we're all doomed.
(Side note: I heard of this story on a local Minnesota radio station last week, but could find no write-up of it on the interwebs. Also, I didn't want to type too many "Indiana Necrophiliac" searches into Google. Maybe its simply too horrific a story to get any run on Indiana local news, or perhaps details are still in question. You're just gonna have to take my word on it, this is a thing that happened)
TCDroogsma:
Between this story and the story below, it's a sad, fucked up time to be a resident of Indiana. Though, technically, that's been true for about 197 years.
07. The Minnesota Golden Gophers basketball team upsets the then-#1 ranked Indiana Hoosiers at The Barn.
Mike Otto:
Somewhere, right now, Sam Jacobson is masturbating. Under a bridge in Mississippi, a dry, cracked smile just spread across the face of Rick Rickert as he takes a celebration chug of listerine. Sure, go ahead Dinkytown, storm the court, enjoy your moment, it won't last. This is Gopher basketball, home of Final Four runs that don't actually exist because Bobby Jackson can't write a fuckin' paper.
NEWS FLASH: THE GOPHERS WILL LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE NCAA TOUNAMENT. Something will go wrong. It's tradition, and this team is not good enough to break up the decades of failure. You can count on 3 things in life: death, taxes, and Gopher Basketball fucking up.
TCDroogsma:
Congratulations to the Gophers and Tubby Smith. You have my apologies for putting you on blast both in the past and, inevitably, in the future when you get thrashed by Xavier in the first round of the NCAA tournament.
No apologies or congrats to the moronic Gopher students/fans who stormed the court after the victory. The Gophers were 4.5 point underdogs going into the game. 4.5 points! In a sport as excruciatingly dull and poorly executed as college basketball 4.5 points could be swung by something as simple as "I received a mean text message from my girlfriend" to "Who closed down Sally's last night?"
08. Melissa King, Miss Delaware Teen USA, resigns her post after it's brought to light that she appeared in a pornographic video.
Mike Otto:
What a fuckin' skank.
TCDroogsma:
Shit, the way kids are going these days this is just the tip of the iceberg. If we're going to start disqualifying every Miss Teen USA candidate simply because they've got down on camera we're not going to have a Miss Teen USA pageant at all. Seems to me that they may as well embrace this and add it to the "Talent" portion of the competition.
09. Florida resident Jeff Bush is presumed dead after his bedroom is swallowed up by a sinkhole.
Mike Otto:
Jeff Bush thought he was having a bad day when he stubbed his toe that morning. He knew it wasn't his day when he went out to his car and found he had no gas. Then when the bus drove right by him making him late for work, he knew it was going to be an EPICALLY terrible day. After 8 1/2 hours at the hardware store and dropping three cans of paint on his left foot, he limped home, glad the day was finally over. He got home to the sound of his brother having intercourse and went straight to his room. He was happy, after such a long day, dozing off to the sound of David Letterman would be a peaceful ending. As his eyelids grew heavy, he heard a slight rumbling, followed by a not-so-slight shaking, and then the Earth swallowed him whole.
The lesson? Always interrupt your brother when he's balls deep.
TCDroogsma:
Who knew hell was a duplex?
10. English pop icon (and vegetarian) Morrissey refuses to appear on the same episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live as the cast of Duck Dynasty.
Mike Otto:
"And if a double decker bus, crashes into us, to die by your side, would be a heavenly way to die!!!!"
Oh, Morissey why even tour in America? Its sad but true, if you make Americans pick between you and whatever the fuck Duck Dynasty is, the majority of us will pick the duck thing. We're not very smart, you see, and we all hate when some Limey asshole comes across the pond and tries to impart their values upon us. Americans hate other peoples values. Always have. That being said, Jimmy Kimmel is a fat little troll, I'm surprised you even agreed to his show in the first place. Good luck Mozzer, I'm gonna go eat a cheeseburger for breakfast.
TCDroogsma:
Where do you get the balls, Morrissey? I mean, we're talking about Jimmy Kimmel here! Jimmy fucking Kimmel! He is a bastion of everything that is great about American television! Nobody has their finger on the pulse o this country quite like Jimmy Kimmel. He's followed the footsteps of Johnny Carson and David Letterman to become the iconic late night TV personality of the 21st century! He's been hosting his show for 10 years! 10! Not a day goes by when I don't go to work to find myself surrounded by people discussing Kimmel's show from the night before. "Did you hear his monologue from last night?" "Can you believe his Bradley Cooper interview?" "How great was that skit where they went out on the street and asked people if they knew Barack Obama's wife's name?" I know that, if I want to be taken seriously by friends and acquaintances, it is absolutely imperative that I stay up late each night hanging on every last clever quip that leaves Jimmy's mouth.
Shit, who's even going to remember the guy who wrote the Charmed theme song in ten years? Best to know your place, Morrissey. You don't take on television royalty like Jimmy Kimmel unless you're willing to take on the rest of America!
There you have it, folks! Another week's worth of trending story run through the ringer.
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Reggie Miller was a good choice to illustrate that story, though I think David Letterman or Robert Irsay would have provided equal Indiana bona fides.
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