Well hello again, everybody! Welcome back to Trendsetting!
We're thrilled that you've decided to stop on by. As you may have noticed, Trendsetting took a couple of weeks off. Mike Otto has been busy breaking down the Vikings many offseason moves right here on Newest Industry. TCDroogsma has been busy recording podcasts and maintaining his Minnesota Wild blog Wildly Biased Observations. Fortunately, they're both back and they've got a thing or two to say about a thing or two.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Trendsetting format, here's what you're looking at. Each week we gather up 10 of the trending news topics from Minnesota and around the world. We then take those ten topics and send them off to Mike and Travis and have them give us their takes on the events.
As always, neither Mike nor Travis has seen what the other has written prior to this posting.
So, guys... It's been another crazy week out there. What'd you think?
01. Catholics around the world celebrated the election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who then took the name Pope Francis. Francis is the first Pope elected from the Americas.
Mike Otto:
The world rejoices at the choice of Pope Francis aka "Pope Everyman". He gives to the poor! He rides the bus to work! He was in love as a young man but rejected by the apple of his eye! Shit. This guy might be my uncle.
15 years from now Pope Tommy from Cleveland will take the "Pope Everyman" image to a new level when he makes it OK to bring any outside food or drink into movie theaters around the world. Cleveland in the house!
TCDroogsma:
While Catholics around the world were excited at the selection of Bergoglio, that new-Pope sheen wore off quickly thanks to his initial address to members of the church:
"The name's Jorge, but everybody calls me Francis. Any of you guys calls me Jorge, I'll kill ya. And I don't like nobody touching my pope stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my pope stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you."
The speech baffled much of the constituency, but saw Francis' popularity skyrocket among the anti-gay community and hipsters who won't shut the fuck up about how great Bill Murray films are.
02. After falling to Florida in the second round of the NCAA tournament, the Gophers decide to fire head men's basketball coach Tubby Smith.
Mike Otto:
No way, the Gophers lost?
No way, they parted ways with a coach who had gotten them farther than they have in the last decade?
No way, the U of M now owes millions to a fourth coach who no longer works for the school?
None of this adds up. U of M athletics has always been such a well-oiled machine, a pillar of the community and the pride of all alumni. This makes no sense to me. I mean its not like the U of M is in the business of losing money....
TCDroogsma:
While discussing the firing with the media, Smith lamented the fact that he failed to achieve his goals at the U, but is excited to finally have time to work on other things:
"Oh sure, I'm disappointed, but I finally have time for me. I'm at least a season behind on Two Broke Girls, I haven't shoveled my sidewalk in about four years, I'd like to take a microwave cookery class, I'm sure there's a bunch of hot new stuff on Brazzers, I'm going to spend a lot of time reading the Harry Potter novels, and my car could use a good wash. You know, it may not sound like much, but all of these things are infinitely more compelling than any college basketball game ever played. Now where's my fucking money?"
03. The University Of Minnesota also announced this week that they somehow managed to lose $15,000 selling alcohol at TCF Bank Stadium during the last football season.
Mike Otto:
So what the Gophers lost fifteen grand adding booze concessions at TCF bank stadium? It's not easy to sell booze to our laid back, calm, passive U of M students. Everyone knows these kids simply aren't interested in drinking, not to mention most of them aren't 21 yet, and, I mean, that would just be illegal! Its not like any of these kids have the fake ID's necessary to purchase alcohol before they are 21. Our kids respect authority AND the rules that govern society.
TCDroogsma:
Meanwhile, over at the Kappa Beta Kappa house, Cutter and Tay just pulled a cool $400 bucks from a kegger last night. Not surprisingly, they also managed to accrue more passing yards then the Gophers and nobody had to leave the party because they were suffering a seizure.
04. Residents of the Highland Park neighborhood in St. Paul are fighting a plan to place a Buffalo Wild Wings into the open storefront that used to be home to Cheapo Records, citing noise and the potential for intoxicated college students.
Mike Otto:
I'm gonna have to side with the Snelling Ave. residents on this one. Having grown up on Grand and Wheeler in St. Paul, I know firsthand that there is nothing worse than drunk Macalester students.
TCDroogsma:
So, Highland Park is opposed to bars featuring sports on TV and a boisterous crowd of college kids. Check me if I'm wrong, Scotty, but aren't you people the ones who remind me constantly that Highland is home to the very first Green Mill? Sounds to me like somebody is a little to accustomed to being a big fish in a small pond. A small pond filled with Bud Light and terrible, terrible food.
05. President Obama visits Israel and Palestine for the first time as president.
Mike Otto:
OH SHIT things about to get real now. We all know wherever Obama goes, change follows, and he als-
What's that? Nothing changed at all? Damnit. BARRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!
TCDroogsma:
That's some fine work there, President Obama. I mean, you've only been in office for four and half years. It's not like this is a real pressing issue or anything like that.
06. In Steubenville, Ohio, two high school football stars are sentenced to at least a year in jail each for raping an intoxicated 16 year old girl.
Mike Otto:
Wait you mean my status as a local football star DOESN'T exonerate me from performing sexual acts on a passed out 16 year old girl and filming the whole thing? Well why the fuck am I even playing football? This is some bullshit. Coach promised me this would all go away and if I can't trust my slimy high school football coach, who can I trust?
Enjoy jail boys, and don't fall asleep, because you never know what might happen if you let your guard down for a second. It'll be your fault anyway, you weren't protecting yourself and you were prancing around in that hot orange jumper all night.
TCDroogsma:
Oh man, there is no way I'm touching this topic...
Then again, if I heard CNN correctly, the topic's asking for it. It's just sitting there, looking good, making eyes at me. Besides, the topic seems a little tipsy. It's probably down for whatever. I mean, just look at it. I'll bet it wouldn't even put up a fight. Harlow, you got my back on this, right?
Wait a minute, what am I talking about? I'm an inherently decent blogger. There are some things you just don't do as a blogger, even though you can be absolutely sure that the media won't do a damned thing about it. I'm sure that they would defend me as a, "bright, young blogger who had a promising future, but who's life has now literally fallen apart." In a weird way, I'd even become a sympathetic figure. Sure, I'd have made some horrible, horrible joke, but the fame and sympathy that comes with my punishment would teach my fellow bloggers a lesson: It's OK to do something unconscionably terrible as long as the minor punishment is outweighed by sympathy & notoriety via talking heads on 24 hour news stations.
The lesson, as always: The media is an absolute fucking disgrace, making a mockery of both your intelligence and the first amendment. Rape is a horrible, horrible thing. Sympathizing with the plight of convicted rapists to garner ratings? No better.
07. The University Of Minnesota defeats Boston University 6-3, winning the NCAA championship and becoming the first women's team to go undefeated for an entire season.
Mike Otto:
41 straight and these women can't film ONE goddamn Harlem Shake video? Fuckin' amateurs.
TCDroogsma:
Much to the chagrin of hockey fans both here in the "State Of Hockey" and around the country, the championship game wasn't televised despite the built in narrative of the Gophers winning the championship at home and the potential for a historic season.
What the fuck, ESPN?!? God forbid Loyola & Georgetown play a preseason women's college basketball game without a fucking national broadcast and breathless Scott Van Pelt leading Sportscenter with the line, "Big tune up for the Lady Hoyas tonight on the hardwood!" But a hockey team trying to go UN-FUCKING-DEFEATED for an entire season doesn't warrant a spot on any of the dozen of ESPN channels? Am I wrong or don't you jerk-offs have a network called ESPNU for shit JUST LIKE THIS! BLAH! I"M SO DISGUSTED I'M CHOKING ON MY CAPS LOCK KEY HERE!
08.Tiger Woods won at Bay Hill over the weekend, regaining the ranking of #1 golfer in the world after two and a half years.
Mike Otto:
The facts speak for themselves, when this man is hookin' up with blondes he becomes completely unstoppable. His kryptonite is trashy strippers... turns out Tiger Woods isn't so different from you and I.
TCDroogsma:
Tiger back on top... no, wait.
Tiger comes from behind... no, wait, that's almost worse.
Tiger pounds opponents... no, wait, that's not it either
Tiger gets balls deep... no, wait, what?
Lindsey Vonn's new boyfriend is #1 golfer in the world. There it is. For shizzle.
09. Ford Motor Company apologizes for European ads depicting Italian politician Silvio Berlusconi drving a Ford Figo with three women tied up in the trunk.
Mike Otto:
Those women wouldn't have been stuck in the trunk for so long, but the trunk release button fell off and the key wouldn't work, so we had to go back to the dealership and wait for Larry to get off lunch break, when he got back he just took a crowbar to the trunk and charged me $500. In other words, this apology is nice, but we're still waiting for an apology regarding the last 30 years of poor service and terrible automobiles.
TCDroogsma:
I'm sorry, I'm trying to come up with a joke, but what could possibly be funnier than that picture? What's the underlying message? Did Berlusconi sign off on this? Are those women strippers or do traffic cops actually look like that in Europe? Were the ball-gags necessary? Is this what showing tits on broadcast television across Europe eventually leads to? What the hell is a Ford Figo? And, most importantly, who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?
10. Atlanta rapper (and Newest Industry's Spirit Animal) Gucci Mane arrested after allegedly hitting an off-duty military officer with a champagne bottle after the man asked to take a picture with the rapper.
Mike Otto:
"For reals doe, dis du' had dat comin mane. I mean take my name out ya mouf ya hear? Talkin' bout service to ya country, mane I don't care bout no service cept some bottle service and dats Gucci bitch. Is you a waitress? Cuz what you wearin' you look like a waitress. Naw tell ya what heres a hundred dollas go get me and my crew ten more orange juices, we thirsty, if you lucky I won't hit you in the face wit one dem when you get back. cuz I might forget i eva seent ya I mean I'm high as fuck ya see and tends to forget my interactions minute to minute. BRICKSQUAD BURR!"
TCDroogsma:
After the arrest, Gucci Mane's family, concerned that Gucci's vices were getting the best of him, reached out to Gucci's rap group Brick Squad to help intervene with the wayward rapper.
Unfortunately, the plan proved fruitless, as OJ Da Juiceman is currently feuding with Gucci, Slim Dunkin & YG Hootie can't remember who's who, and Waka Flaka Flame spent the entire meeting throwing wadded up dollar bills at everybody in sight. The only member of Brick Squad who seemed concerned was Joe Moses, who reiterated, "You've got the wrong Joe Moses! I'm an accountant! I don't know what Joe Moses you're looking for, but I'm not him! Stop throwing dollar bills at me!"
There you have it, folks! Another weeks worth of trending news stories from around the world put in their place!
For more Mike Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Unless, of course, you live in the greater Detroit area. Just trust us on this one.
For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma). He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our free weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.
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