Trendsetting #3: Mike Otto & TCDroogsma

No one gives a fuck about shit, so fuck your shit...

Well hello again, everybody!  Newest Industry pretty much took the last week off, but we're back now with the third installment of Trendsetting!

For those of you who don't quite know what you're looking at right now (or who those two drunks in the photo are), here's the scoop:  Each week we send Mike Otto (left) & TCDroogsma (right) a list of the trending news stories from around Minnesota and around the world.  They then send us their take on the story.  As always, they have not read each other's comments before publishing.

So, Mikey, Droogsy, what'd you think?

01. Mumford & Sons take home the Album Of The Year Grammy award for their album Babel

Mike:

     The Grammys just seem like another terrible staple of the American entertainment industry.  In the grand scheme of things, this shit is completely meaningless.  I could care less what they're wearing and I don't care for a "Gotye" or a "Mumford & Sons" (nor do I really know what they are.

     What I do know is this; I will wait/I will wait/for you... to go away.  Then I will be able to die happy.


TCDroogsma:

     And somehow people still can't comprehend why the terrorists hate America.

02. Pope Benedict announces his pending resignation, becoming the first pope to resign the post in 600 years.

Mike:

     So the Pope says he's getting old.  He wants to retire he says.  Wants to enjoy the rest of his life before he dies he says.  Well, Mr. Pope, what, may I ask, could be more enjoyable than basking in the glory of your Lord and Savior while, I might add, also honoring him by serving as the highest ranking "Earthly" member of the Christian church?  Get at me on Twitter, I hear you do that now.

TCDroogsma: 

     The news came as a surprise to the Cardinals & Archbishops who regularly attend a morning meeting with the Pope.  Allegedly, before entering his morning meeting with them he asked that the lights be turned down low.  He then slowly entered through a side door, dressed in all black, telling the assembled clergy, "They say they never really miss you 'til you dead or you gone, so on that note, I'm leavin' after this psalm."  He then dropped his mic & threw up the Roc.

    That's right, this whole "retirement" is really just an exercise in re-branding as the Catholic Church tries to distance themselves from a scandalous past by basking in the reflected glory of Jay-Z & Beyonce.  I'm very excited for Pope Benedict to come back like Jordan (wearing the 4-5) to release his version of "Yes, Church In The Wild."

03. Olympic downhill skier (and St. Paul native) Lindsey Vonn shreds two ligaments in her knee during competition.

Mike:

     Add this to the looonnng list of Lindsey Vonn leg injuries.  Wouldn't call her "injury prone," though.  Things like this are bound to happen when you're rocketing down a mountain at speeds over 70 MPH with no padding.

     At least she has her new boyfriend, Tiger Woods, to nurse her back to health.  When asked about what attracts him to Lindsey, Tiger said, "We can relate to each other because we're both world class athletes.  Also, it's nearly impossible to break the rear window of an Escalade with a ski-pole."

TCDroogsma:

     That's an unfortunate turn of events for one of St. Paul's favorite daughters.  Fortunately, this injury will give Vonn plenty of time to drown herself in spray-on tan, drink too many whiskey cokes, invest in some trashy lingerie, put on 30 lbs. in all the wrong places, perfect her lapdance technique, and really become Tiger's dream woman.

04. A St. Paul man is arrested after threatening to shoot a construction worker when she plays talk radio too loud, thus revealing the ending of the Minnesota/Michigan basketball game before he could watch it.

  
Mike:

     Hey, hey, hey guy, let's all calm down a little bit here.  You don't want to shoot this construction worker, she's innocent in all of this.  You are definitely not following the "Clem Haskins Path Of Least Resistance" model and you should be ashamed.

     Plus, you're going to need those bullets to take your own life when the Gophers miss the NCAA Tournament because, apparently, that's how much college basketball means to you.  Yeah, these are the people we want having guns.

TCDroogsma:

     Before threatening the construction worker this man should have asked himself a few questions:  Is this a big game?  Is it a matchup of longtime rivals?  Is their a chance that this game could be the turning point of the season?  Most importantly, does one of the teams involved have the word "Minnesota" written across its jerseys?  If you answered "yes" to these questions, you don't need to watch the game to know how it ended.

05. The Baltimore Ravens defeat the San Francisco 49ers after weather a 30 minute blackout during the Super Bowl.

Mike:

     In a post-game interview Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis thanked God for the win, his career, his children, the toast he ate that morning, people named Lenny, giraffes, Sea World, radiators, wool socks, and the show 'Bob's Burgers.'

     God was reportedly unimpressed, but admitted, "at least it's not Tebow."

TCDroogsma:

     It was a tough week for San Francisco residents as 49ers cornerback was Chris Culliver embarrassed his team & the city's GLBT community with some homophobic statements followed by the 49ers losing to the Ravens in incredibly dramatic fashion.

     But keep your head up, San Francisco.  According to every jackass hipster I've ever spoken to, your city is home to "the bessstttt burritos...."  and that, "You have to visit, man.  It's the best."  So congrats, the absolute worst people in the Midwest think you're great.  That's something to hang your hat on.

06. Nor'easter Nemo drops nearly three feet of snow on cities up and down the East Coast.

Mike:

     As we all know, the only snowstorms that matter happen on the East Coast.  This has been getting a ton of national media attention and I really feel for everyone in those affected states.

     They don't want the attention!  They don't want our pity!  No, this fine group of shy, humble East-Coasters just want the cameras to go away so they can all get back to their regular lives of thinking their shit don't stink.

TCDroogsma:

     I can completely understand why this was such a big story in the media.  It's not like any other crazy stories came up this week.  I'm sure if some important story broke, like, say, the government finally releasing the details of a program in which missle-armed robots killed American citizens, that would have definitely been a bigger deal. 

     I mean, if something of that magnitude had happened, you can bet your ass the proud, vigilant, hard-working bastions of integrity that make up the American media would have abandoned a weather-related story about the inconveniences of a tiny fraction of the country and taken to their computers to alert the nation to the details of the government's increasingly rapid slide into an Orwellian nightmare.

07. In Papua New Guinea, a woman accused of witchcraft is stripped, tortured, and burned alive in front of hundreds of people.

Mike:

     (Crosses Papua New Guinea off list of potential honeymoon destinations)

     You're fuckin' up, Papua New Guinea!

TCDroogsma:

     A tragic story, to be sure, but I feel like the most important question isn't being asked:  Was her witchcraft in any way responsible for the snowstorm that hit the East Coast?  I heard some people's cars got buried!  Crazy!

08. The Minneapolis City Council approves an ambitious 10 year plan to revitalize downtown Hennepin Avenue with a visitors hub, event spaces, & "distinctive public art."

Mike:

     So the City Council wants to Portland-ize downtown Minneapolis.  If they truly wanted to emulate Portland the would kick all the Fortune 500 companies out of MPLS and make the thousands of newly unemployed fight over the two remaining job: a part-time cook at a bar and an Urban Bean barista.

TCDroogsma:

     Finally the useless, filthy hipsters from Uptown and the smug, pretentious hipsters from Northeast meet in the middle, creating a utopia of banjo-and-fiddle bands playing to crowds of literally dozens of people who rode their bikes down Hennepin and locked them up to "distinctive" bike racks shaped like fucking loons or something.

09.  After allegedly killing three people, former LAPD officer Christopher Dorner continues to elude an ever-expanding manhunt.

Mike:

     Christopher "John Rambo" Dorner continues to evade the best and brightest law enforcement officials from throughout the country.  Even after considering the use of a drone strike on U.S. soil for the first time everrrrrrr, nobody, man or machine, can track this guy down.

     By the time we find this guy he will have tamed and trained an army of wild wolverines, in which case we should probably all admit he's just better than us and give him the keys to the White House.

TCDroogsma:

     I just hope we all remember who the real victim in all of this is:  The LAPD's up-until-now sterling reputation.  For decades, the nation's law enforcement community has held up the Los Angeles Police Departments work as a shining example of how to do things the right way.  And now, thanks to one bad cop, that reputation has been besmirched!  Yeah, I said it, besmirched!

10.  First Avenue held the fourth annual Minnesota Beard-Off competition for "Best Beard In Minnesota" on Saturday night.

Mike:

     First of all, being able to grow a beard is not a talent, it's an incredibly common genetic trait.  Anyone who thinks their beard should be celebrated and given fanfare or awards has very little else going on in their life.

     They have likely come to the realization that this is the only way they will ever win anything other than a chicken wing eating contest or the "honorable mention" they received in the 1997 Creative Kidstuff "Lego Castle Contest."  Sometimes you truly test my patience, Minneapolis.

TCDroogsma:

     While I have no idea who actually won the contest, I know that really, everybody who stayed away from First Avenue Saturday night won big.

There you have it, folks!  Another week's worth of trending stories brought down a peg.  Hate, hate hate...

For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).  For even more Mike Otto, leave a brandy ginger on your porch.  He's bound to catch the scent eventually.

For more TCDroogsma be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma).  He can also be found right here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly podcast Flatbasset Radio.  For even more TCDroogsma... who's kidding who?  That's more TCDroogsma than anybody asked for.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) which you can follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Divisional Playoffs Weekend

So here we are again...

Well hello again, football fans!  Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!

Sadly, their will be no Vikings coverage for the next few weeks.  Unless, of course, someone gets arrested or annuls a marriage.  That doesn't mean Mike Otto isn'st still thinking thoughts.  Football thoughts.

So, we press on, purple or no purple.

Mike, what are we looking for this weekend?

Welcome back to Ten & Six!

The Vikings' season came to an unceremonious end last weekend and even though it was a great year, I can't help but think there could have been more.  Christian Ponder's badly bruised elbow/tricep prevented him from playing, leaving backup QB Joe Webb completely overwhelmed.

Joe Webb is one heck of an athlete, no doubt about that, but his accuracy and pocket presence as a passer is downright pathetic.  At least all the, "Why isn't Joe Webb starting?" people got an answer to their question.  At this point he is nowhere near a starting quarterback in the NFL.

Now, do I think the Vikings win that game if Christian Ponder starts?  Probably not, but it would have been close until the end.

I will completely break down the Vikings season after the Super Bowl, but for now I'm going ot try to improve on that 1-3 playoff record from last weekend. 1-3? Yuck!

(#4) Baltimore at (#1) Denver

Why the Ravens could win:

The Ray Lewis Farewell Tour!  His teammates want to give him a goodbye ring.

The Broncos played in a garbage division all year and didn't have to play good teams on a consistent basis.

Really, that's about it.  No real reasons Joe Flacco can win this game.

Why the Broncos could win:

They have the Peytie Manny.

They have one of the most complete defenses in football.

Joe Flacco will fuck this up.  One playoff win per year is pretty much his limit.

Who I think takes it:

Too much going against the Ravens in this one.  I think Peytie is going to take the Broncos to the Super Bowl this year.  This game is only close for two quarters.  Broncos win 27-13.

(#3) Green Bay at (#2) San Francisco

Why the Packers could win:

Colin Kaepernick could have the jitters.  Two months ago he was the backup quarterback.  Now he's going to start a playoff game with everything on the line.

The also have playoff-tested Aaron Rodgers, and one thing's for sure, he won't be cracking under the pressure Saturday night.

Why the 49ers could win:

Their defense is big and physical.  When they get rolling... wooo boy!  Watch out!

They have the power of Moss on their side.  We all know how much Randy loves sticking it to the Pack.

Dear Randy, 

Make every sad Vikings fan's day, get your first two touchdown game since 2009 and knock the Pack out!  For 'Sota!

Love always,

Spiteful, bitter Vikings fans everywhere.

Who I think takes it:

It's all going to come down to how Colin Kaepernick performs.  If the kid can handle the pressure, it's curtains for the Packers.  Unfortunately, I see this moment being a little too big for the young QB.

Close game throughout, but Aaron Rodgers ices it in the 4th with on of those Aaron Rodgers-type drives that leaves a good defense looking pedestrian.  Packers win 31-24.  Fuck.

 (#5) Seattle at (#1) Atlanta

Why the Seahawks could win:

It's Matt Ryan.  It's a divisional playoff game at home.  Sound familiar?

The Falcons never convinced me of their toughness this year and, compared to the physicality of the Seahawks, they look downright soft.

The Seahawks have a much better running game and Russell Wilson has proven time and again he can handle big spots.

The Seahawks have a ton of momentum built up and will be facing a team that has been resting for two weeks.  The Falcons may have trouble matching the Seahawks intensity out of the gate.

Why the Falcons could win:

They have Roddy White and Julio Jones, arguably the best wide receiver tandem in the league.

Matt Ryan knows all the questions that arise if he loses this game.  He should be playing like his career is on the line (even though it isn't).

Who I think takes it:

Defense wins championships!  The Seahawks don't have a single weak link in theirs.

Russell Wilson just keeps getting better.  If last year's draft was held again today Wilson would be a top 5 pick.

Seahawks win the bird battle 26-24.

(#3) Houston at (#2) New England

Why the Texans could win:

Jesus loves Texas?  Good god, I don't know!

I honestly sat for 10 minutes trying to come up with a real reason the Texans could pull this out and finally just accepted the fact that they're going to need a miracle.

Why the Patriots could win:

Belichik.  Brady.  Cocksborough.  Enough said?

The Texans offense looked terribly out of sync against the Bengals and, as good as J.J. Watt is, he's not going to win this game by himself.

Arian Foster has had some good numbers, but he's also looked a little plodding and pedestrian.

Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, and Foster would all have to play the game of their lives to hang with Brady & Co.

Who I think takes it:

I just don't see any way the Texans beat Tom Brady in his own backyard this weekend.  I mean, anything can happen in football, but it's going to take 3 touchdowns from J.J. Watt ot even make this close.  Patriots win 35-20

There you have it, football fans!  The march to the Super Whore continues!

As always, a big thanks to Mike for stopping by to drop some knowledge bombs.  Be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters) for more commentary this weekend.  Expect lots of pro-Moss, anti-Pack ranting and raving.

Newest Industry also has a home on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we have a Facebook page here.  It may seem trivial, but stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.

Ten & Six With Mike Otto: Week 3 - San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings (Plus Picks!)

Pull Your #84 Jerseys Out...

Well hello football fans! Welcome to Mike Otto's Ten & Six: Week 3. This week Mr. Otto will break down this Sunday's Minnesota Vikings/San Francisco 49ers “contest” and give us his picks for the rest of the league. So far this season Mike is sporting a 18-14 record with the picks and 1-1 picking the Purple's games. Mr. Otto, the floor is yours.

It was a crazy week in the NFL! The Patriots, Ravens, Saints, & Cowboys all lost & my picks still managed to go 9-7! I like that, but I can't help lamenting what could have been had the teams who are “better on paper” all won. If the NFL has taught us anything over the years it's that who is "better on paper" doesn't mean a damn thing.

The hardest part of picking games is locating upsets and trap games. This proves even more difficult during the early stages of the season. That being said, I can still do better (much like my favorite football team). Let's see if I can hit a few upsets this week.

St. Louis (1-1) at Chicago (1-1)

St. Louis & Brad Samford pulled off a legitimately epic comeback against RG III and the rest of his kinda-just-OK-at-football Redskins.

Can we all just accept that Jay Cutler will never be elite? He's a good QB who can have great games but is also prone to the occasional stinker. He's a risk-taker. High risk, high reward. He is also a genuine prick and I consider him the A.J. Pierzynski of football. Funny, two of the biggest douchebags in sports play in Chicago. Now that just makes sense. Bears D is too good to lose this one at home. Final score 27-14

(Editor's Note: Yup, Brad Samford)

Buffalo (1-1) at Cleveland (0-2)

Perhaps the strangest occurrence last week was the Weed Whacker himself, Brandon Weeden, throwing for 300+ yards. He got a lot of help (good protection, lots of short passes, Trent Richardson) and the Browns still lost! Ouch. Poor Cleveland.

C.J. Spiller had a huge first half for the Bills last week as they dispatched the Chiefs easily. I think they get this one too. Final score 21-10 (Cleveland just loves disappointing home crowds).

Tampa Bay (1-1) at Dallas (1-1)

I have trashed Josh Freeman's ability to be a successful NFL quarterback twice this season. Well, Mr. Freeman's ears must have been burning because he has had two impressive performances and his team's 1-1. So no more! Josh Freeman, you are everything and I am nothing. You are a stellar individual, a pillar of strength in the community, while I am a sad little man of poor quality, stature, and standards.

The Bucs coaches are letting Freeman air it out and it's working. The Tampa Bay secondary looks elite and this does not bode will for a certain dim-witted quarterback with a star on his helmet.

Last week was really a CLASSIC Tony Romo Era-Cowboys let down game, wasn't it? Like so many times in the the past, Tony Romo & the rest of the Cowboys came out and laid an egg after a big win the week before. Every time you think, “Wow, this team is gonna turn the corner!” they come out and remind us all that Romo isn't Aikman, D'marco Murray isn't Emmit Smith, & Little Dezzy Bryant isn't Michael Irvin.

Sidenote: My co-worker (an avid Cowboys fan) said “I am done with football” after last week's game. Sure, haven't heard that before. Bucs win 21-17

Jacksonville (0-2) at Indianapolis (1-1)

Poor Jacksonville barely managed 100 yards total against the Texans last week. I'm not entirely certain anyone has ever taken the time to teach Blaine Gabbert how to throw a spiral.

It is apparent, however, that somebody taught Andrew Luck. Man, did he have some zip on that ball last week! Looked surprisingly elusive as well. Colts win 24-10.

New York Jets (1-1) at Miami (1-1)

An interesting matchup here and a tough choice. The Dolphins surprised me last week with that offensive explosion. Reggie Bush is going nuts, topping 100 yards rushing in 5 of his last 6 games dating back to last season.

Rex Ryan and the Jets can't beat good teams that have a strong defense, so they rely upon a fast start to win games. I don't think they get it this week and fall to the Dolphins in a close game in Miami. Final score 23-17.

Kansas City (0-2) at New Orleans (0-2)

The Saints defense is worthless and it's killing this team. It may be a passing league, but if Drew Brees has to continue throwing the ball 50 times a game and only connecting on half of them it's gonna be a long season.

The Saints get a chance to establish the run a bit more against a sad Kansas City Chiefs team. To be fair, I'd be sad if I lived in Kansas City too. Matt Kassel got severely out-performed by Ryan Fitzpatrick (ugh, that has to hurt) and the Chiefs defense looks like garbage. The Saints can't lose this game, right? Saints roll 35-17.

Detroit (1-1) at Tennessee (0-2)

Wow. It's getting ugly quickly for the Titans. Jake Locker is pressing and looks lost. CJ(No)K is blaming everyone else when he needs to look in the mirror. He also needs to learn how to hit a hole and stop dancing around in the backfield. Perhaps he should just give up and sign a contract with “Dancing With The Stars” already.

The Motor City Kitties take this easily 28-7

Sidenote: Can we just change Chris Johnson's nickname from "CJ2K" to “The Million Dollar Baby?”

Cincinnati (1-1) at Washington (1-1)

Washington lost defensive star Brian Orakpo for the season last week and I think it damages their playoff hopes. They could have won last week's game against the Rams if it wasn't for hot-head Josh Morgan and a terrible special teams effort. Redskins punter Sal Rocca can't block the rush & punt the ball! Come on! That special teams coordinator should be in hot water.

The Red Menace Andy Dalton won an unlikely shootout against the Browns last week, but can he win road games? Naw, probably not. RG III single-handedly carries the 'Skins to victory this week. Final score 27-21.

Philadelphia (2-0) at Arizona (2-0)

Two teams with big upset victories last week. Two teams I can't believe are 2-0. The Eagles are the first team since 1983 to win their first two games while committing 8 or more turnovers. That won't last. To keep winning they must cut back on the turnovers.

The biggest strength for both of these teams is their defensive front 7. Those groups are big, mean, and tough. Whichever team's offensive line performs better will win. I mean, one of these teams has to lose, right?

The Dog Murderer will continue to throw picks this week and the surprising Cardinals improve to 3-0! Go Kevin Kolb! (I feel dirty writing that) (Editors note: Me too). 20-13 Cards on top.

Atlanta (2-0) at San Diego (2-0)

Did you know that “San Diego” is German for “A Phillip Rivers Vagina?” Also, fuck Norv Turner. What an overrated coach. Can't wait until the end of this year, the Chargers miss the playoffs, and Norv Turner will finally get the ax. Get his pock-marcked face off my TV once and for all!

Atlanta is the most complete team in the NFL and I think they will end the regular season with the best record in the NFL.  Atlanta wins on the road 31-21.

Houston (2-0) at Denver (1-1)

Peyton Manning is frustrated with questions about his arm strength. I think he's actually just frustrated with his weak-ass arm.

Two weeks into the season and Houston looks scary good on both sides of the ball. This will be, by far, their biggest test yet this season and we should have a better understanding of just how good the Texans are come Sunday night.

I think this game could go either way, but I'm betting Peyton Manning wins the game in the 4^th despite the aforementioned questionable arm. 34-28 Broncos win.

Pittsburgh (1-1) at Oakland (0-2)

Roll over, boy! Roll over... Good Oakland Raiders! Good boy, yes you are!

In what may be the football equivalent of a Globetrotters/Generals game, Big Ben Rapistburger will somehow avoid sack after sack while getting the ball downfield.

The Raiders, on the other hand, will get Carson Palmer-ed once again en route to another impressive defeat. I do like Darren McFadden though. I think he could have a big game. Final score 31-14 Pittsburgh.

New England (1-1) at Baltimore (1-1)

This might be the game of the week! Neither of these teams want to be 1-2, but one of them will be after this weekend.

Wes Welker is seemingly being phased out, but that was before they lost Aaron Hernandez. If the Patriots want to win this game I think they're going to need Welker.

The Pats have the better quarterback, but the Ravens are the more physical team. I think that the Ravens will try to slow the pace of this game and make it more of a “grind it out” contest. 1-2 will indeed sting... FOR THOSE LITTLE BOSTON BITCHES!! Ravens win 27-24.

Green Bay (1-1) at Seattle (1-1)

I will just come out and say it: This is going to be a close game that the Packers will lose. Sorry Green Bay fans, but this is a big time trap game.

If the Seahawks are allowed to establish Marshawn Lynch and get him into Beast Mode, as I think they will, the Packers will be tripped up just enough by a good Seahawks defense. Boom! There's your upset game. Seahawks win 24-17.

Now for the Purple:

Well, last week was a tough game for our favorite squad. After the loss I went through a range of healthy emotions, starting with anger, into rage, then back to anger, and then ending up at a hatred of everything.

After a week of decompression, I think I can analyze last week and this week's games properly. Let's look at what we're left with: Just the facts.

The game against the Colts was almost identical to the game against the Jags except for the most important part: the outcome.

I am disturbed with the play-calling on both sides of the ball for the Vikings.  I want to see more risks taken early in the game on offense. Christian Ponder has masterfully executed touchdown drives in the 4^th quarter when we had no choice but to throw every down. How about infusing a few of those plays into our 1^st, 2^nd, & 3^rd quarter offense instead of going run, run, checkdown, punt every freaking time!

In my opinion, if we have smarter coaches and a more aggressive gameplan we beat the Colts last week.

Let's look at some positives & negatives from last week. First, the positives:

-Percy Harvin: He is a beast. Our offense would be very sad without this guy. I'm talking sad-clown-scaring-children sad.

-Christian Ponder: For the first time in a long time the QB isn't our biggest problem. Let him air it out early! See what happens. What do you have to lose this week? We're not going to get to the end of this game and say, “Wow, a few more 2 yard runs and we'd have won this game!”

-Matt Kalil: Through two games he's only give up one sack. Keep it up, rook!

And the negatives:

-PLAY CALLING: It lacks creativity offensively and shows no faith in our downfield passing game. If I'M getting that vibe how do you think Ponder and the receivers feel? Our favorite play call is a quick screen to Percy out in the flat. Really re-inventing the wheel with that one, aren't we?!?

On defense, can someone please explain to me why Erin Henderson is being asked to cover Reggie Wayne 30 yards downfield? Maybe the Tampa 2 isn't the defense to call when teams have 3 or more receivers on the field. I hope Zygi Wilf is paying attention, because if this is a season-long trend the coaches need to go! Just drive a dump truck full of money up to Bill Cowher's house. Fuck it.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-0) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-1)

Three Keys To The Vikings Not Being Embarrassed:

Key #1: Surprise the 49ers with your gameplan early.

Take some shots downfield right away. Fuck it, what do you have to lose? Nothing! What do you have to gain? Everything

 

Key #2: Stop the run.

The 49ers are going to gouge us with the pass down the middle of the field. There is no avoiding this. If we can't stop the run either it's going to be a blowout.

Key #3: Lock Bill Musgrave in a closet before the game.

No, seriously.

Matchups To Watch:

Matchup #1: Vernon Davis vs. Marvin Mitchell or Mistral Raymond.

Oh god, we're doomed.

Matchup #2: Randy Moss vs. The Downtown MPLS Metermaids.

Move, bitch, get out the way, get out the way bitch, get out the way! I'm excited to see Randy back in the Metrodome even if he's not playing for my favorite team. San Francisco is going to score some TD's and I hope Randy gets one of them.

Mike's All Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week:

Punter Chris Kluwe

I hope he stretches before the game, 'cause it's going to be a long day. 6 punts, 49.5 yards per punt with 2 inside the 20. Wooo!

Final Takes:

The 49ers are big, strong, and fast. First, I want to get out of this game with no major injuries to our big guns. Second, I want this team to put up a fight. Get angry! This is your home turf! If Musgrave is calling bullshit run plays and we're down by more than 10 points audible out of that shit! The players need to take control of their own destiny.

Erin Henderson is injured and I wouldn't mind seeing a little Audie Cole out there. Again, what do you have to lose?

Somehow find a way to win this game and it's a season-changer. I hope the Vikings believe in their chances more than I do.

I think the Vikes would need 30+ points to win this game. As much as I want to believe this will happen, it probably won't.

FINAL SCORE:

San Francisco 49ers: 28

Minnesota Vikings: 13

Enjoy the game and GO PURPLE!

There you have it, folks. If anybody has a vacant, soundproof closet available tomorrow afternoon, feel free to hit up Mike Otto on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Even if you don't have a closet and a borderline pathological desire to see more passing plays, you should probably still give him a follow for his Vikings commentary. Second to none.

This blog also has a Twitter home (@NewestIndustry1) and a Facebook page here. If (read: when) the Vikings lose this Sunday you should stop by the page and give us a “Like.” It would cheer us all up. We're in this together, people!