Well hello again, everybody! Newest Industry pretty much took the last week off, but we're back now with the third installment of Trendsetting!
For those of you who don't quite know what you're looking at right now (or who those two drunks in the photo are), here's the scoop: Each week we send Mike Otto (left) & TCDroogsma (right) a list of the trending news stories from around Minnesota and around the world. They then send us their take on the story. As always, they have not read each other's comments before publishing.
So, Mikey, Droogsy, what'd you think?
01. Mumford & Sons take home the Album Of The Year Grammy award for their album Babel
Mike:
The Grammys just seem like another terrible staple of the American entertainment industry. In the grand scheme of things, this shit is completely meaningless. I could care less what they're wearing and I don't care for a "Gotye" or a "Mumford & Sons" (nor do I really know what they are.
What I do know is this; I will wait/I will wait/for you... to go away. Then I will be able to die happy.
TCDroogsma:
And somehow people still can't comprehend why the terrorists hate America.
02. Pope Benedict announces his pending resignation, becoming the first pope to resign the post in 600 years.
Mike:
So the Pope says he's getting old. He wants to retire he says. Wants to enjoy the rest of his life before he dies he says. Well, Mr. Pope, what, may I ask, could be more enjoyable than basking in the glory of your Lord and Savior while, I might add, also honoring him by serving as the highest ranking "Earthly" member of the Christian church? Get at me on Twitter, I hear you do that now.
TCDroogsma:
The news came as a surprise to the Cardinals & Archbishops who regularly attend a morning meeting with the Pope. Allegedly, before entering his morning meeting with them he asked that the lights be turned down low. He then slowly entered through a side door, dressed in all black, telling the assembled clergy, "They say they never really miss you 'til you dead or you gone, so on that note, I'm leavin' after this psalm." He then dropped his mic & threw up the Roc.
That's right, this whole "retirement" is really just an exercise in re-branding as the Catholic Church tries to distance themselves from a scandalous past by basking in the reflected glory of Jay-Z & Beyonce. I'm very excited for Pope Benedict to come back like Jordan (wearing the 4-5) to release his version of "Yes, Church In The Wild."
03. Olympic downhill skier (and St. Paul native) Lindsey Vonn shreds two ligaments in her knee during competition.
Mike:
Add this to the looonnng list of Lindsey Vonn leg injuries. Wouldn't call her "injury prone," though. Things like this are bound to happen when you're rocketing down a mountain at speeds over 70 MPH with no padding.
At least she has her new boyfriend, Tiger Woods, to nurse her back to health. When asked about what attracts him to Lindsey, Tiger said, "We can relate to each other because we're both world class athletes. Also, it's nearly impossible to break the rear window of an Escalade with a ski-pole."
TCDroogsma:
That's an unfortunate turn of events for one of St. Paul's favorite daughters. Fortunately, this injury will give Vonn plenty of time to drown herself in spray-on tan, drink too many whiskey cokes, invest in some trashy lingerie, put on 30 lbs. in all the wrong places, perfect her lapdance technique, and really become Tiger's dream woman.
04. A St. Paul man is arrested after threatening to shoot a construction worker when she plays talk radio too loud, thus revealing the ending of the Minnesota/Michigan basketball game before he could watch it.
Mike:
Hey, hey, hey guy, let's all calm down a little bit here. You don't want to shoot this construction worker, she's innocent in all of this. You are definitely not following the "Clem Haskins Path Of Least Resistance" model and you should be ashamed.
Plus, you're going to need those bullets to take your own life when the Gophers miss the NCAA Tournament because, apparently, that's how much college basketball means to you. Yeah, these are the people we want having guns.
TCDroogsma:
Before threatening the construction worker this man should have asked himself a few questions: Is this a big game? Is it a matchup of longtime rivals? Is their a chance that this game could be the turning point of the season? Most importantly, does one of the teams involved have the word "Minnesota" written across its jerseys? If you answered "yes" to these questions, you don't need to watch the game to know how it ended.
05. The Baltimore Ravens defeat the San Francisco 49ers after weather a 30 minute blackout during the Super Bowl.
Mike:
In a post-game interview Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis thanked God for the win, his career, his children, the toast he ate that morning, people named Lenny, giraffes, Sea World, radiators, wool socks, and the show 'Bob's Burgers.'
God was reportedly unimpressed, but admitted, "at least it's not Tebow."
TCDroogsma:
It was a tough week for San Francisco residents as 49ers cornerback was Chris Culliver embarrassed his team & the city's GLBT community with some homophobic statements followed by the 49ers losing to the Ravens in incredibly dramatic fashion.
But keep your head up, San Francisco. According to every jackass hipster I've ever spoken to, your city is home to "the bessstttt burritos...." and that, "You have to visit, man. It's the best." So congrats, the absolute worst people in the Midwest think you're great. That's something to hang your hat on.
06. Nor'easter Nemo drops nearly three feet of snow on cities up and down the East Coast.
Mike:
As we all know, the only snowstorms that matter happen on the East Coast. This has been getting a ton of national media attention and I really feel for everyone in those affected states.
They don't want the attention! They don't want our pity! No, this fine group of shy, humble East-Coasters just want the cameras to go away so they can all get back to their regular lives of thinking their shit don't stink.
TCDroogsma:
I can completely understand why this was such a big story in the media. It's not like any other crazy stories came up this week. I'm sure if some important story broke, like, say, the government finally releasing the details of a program in which missle-armed robots killed American citizens, that would have definitely been a bigger deal.
I mean, if something of that magnitude had happened, you can bet your ass the proud, vigilant, hard-working bastions of integrity that make up the American media would have abandoned a weather-related story about the inconveniences of a tiny fraction of the country and taken to their computers to alert the nation to the details of the government's increasingly rapid slide into an Orwellian nightmare.
07. In Papua New Guinea, a woman accused of witchcraft is stripped, tortured, and burned alive in front of hundreds of people.
Mike:
(Crosses Papua New Guinea off list of potential honeymoon destinations)
You're fuckin' up, Papua New Guinea!
TCDroogsma:
A tragic story, to be sure, but I feel like the most important question isn't being asked: Was her witchcraft in any way responsible for the snowstorm that hit the East Coast? I heard some people's cars got buried! Crazy!
08. The Minneapolis City Council approves an ambitious 10 year plan to revitalize downtown Hennepin Avenue with a visitors hub, event spaces, & "distinctive public art."
Mike:
So the City Council wants to Portland-ize downtown Minneapolis. If they truly wanted to emulate Portland the would kick all the Fortune 500 companies out of MPLS and make the thousands of newly unemployed fight over the two remaining job: a part-time cook at a bar and an Urban Bean barista.
TCDroogsma:
Finally the useless, filthy hipsters from Uptown and the smug, pretentious hipsters from Northeast meet in the middle, creating a utopia of banjo-and-fiddle bands playing to crowds of literally dozens of people who rode their bikes down Hennepin and locked them up to "distinctive" bike racks shaped like fucking loons or something.
09. After allegedly killing three people, former LAPD officer Christopher Dorner continues to elude an ever-expanding manhunt.
Mike:
Christopher "John Rambo" Dorner continues to evade the best and brightest law enforcement officials from throughout the country. Even after considering the use of a drone strike on U.S. soil for the first time everrrrrrr, nobody, man or machine, can track this guy down.
By the time we find this guy he will have tamed and trained an army of wild wolverines, in which case we should probably all admit he's just better than us and give him the keys to the White House.
TCDroogsma:
I just hope we all remember who the real victim in all of this is: The LAPD's up-until-now sterling reputation. For decades, the nation's law enforcement community has held up the Los Angeles Police Departments work as a shining example of how to do things the right way. And now, thanks to one bad cop, that reputation has been besmirched! Yeah, I said it, besmirched!
10. First Avenue held the fourth annual Minnesota Beard-Off competition for "Best Beard In Minnesota" on Saturday night.
Mike:
First of all, being able to grow a beard is not a talent, it's an incredibly common genetic trait. Anyone who thinks their beard should be celebrated and given fanfare or awards has very little else going on in their life.
They have likely come to the realization that this is the only way they will ever win anything other than a chicken wing eating contest or the "honorable mention" they received in the 1997 Creative Kidstuff "Lego Castle Contest." Sometimes you truly test my patience, Minneapolis.
TCDroogsma:
While I have no idea who actually won the contest, I know that really, everybody who stayed away from First Avenue Saturday night won big.
There you have it, folks! Another week's worth of trending stories brought down a peg. Hate, hate hate...
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I can't wait to see the loon-shaped bike racks! ;)
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