Meal Time! #4: TCDroogsma at The Bad Waitress Diner & Coffeeshop

Nice game... bitches...

Hey food fans!

TCDroogsma's been spending too much time holed up writing and talking about music lately, so we cleaned him up and sent him out into the world to find a nice hot meal.  He managed to walk a whole six blocks from Planet New Basset to The Bad Waitress on the corner of 26th and Nicollet.

TCDroogsma, thoughts?

Alright, let me say right off the bat that I was already plenty clean when I was sent out to find this meal.  Admittedly, though, it was nice to eat warm food.  Variety's the spice of life, they say...

Now, this wasn't my first time going to The Bad Waitress.  It was my second.  However, it was my first time going their without nursing a pretty solid hangover.  Sobriety's the spice of life... wait, nobody's ever said that.

Annnyyyway, as you all hopefully remember, I stay all vegan everything.  As far as breakfast in the Uptown area goes, their are only a few decent options.  On my first trip to The Bad Waitress I indulged in something called "The Heavy Pedal," which was essentially scrambled tofu, hashbrowns, and vegan sausage.  Since I've already done two tofu-based reviews I thought I'd have a go at some other breakfast food.  But what else would make for a good vegan breakfast on a kind of frigid November morning?

Well, the place wasn't too busy, so, out of habit, I pulled up a seat at the bar and had a look at the menu.

(Pro Tip #1: Be careful sitting on this side of the restaurant early in the day.  The sun comes pounding through the storefront at just the right angle to incubate the bar.  Add in the hot coffee and I found myself sweating like Michael Beasley during a routine traffic stop.)

Now, on to breakfast.

Pancakes. Mufuckin' pancakes.

Boom!  I'm in.  For those who've never been to The Bad Waitress before, the name is actually a bit of a misnomer.  You don't even really have a waitress.  You write down your order on a piece of paper from the ordering pad, bring it up to the counter, and pay all at once.

Essentially, you're the waitress.  And, as noted, the expectations are low.  Just something to ponder as you wait for your food.  Notice that the top of my card reads "Black Panther."  Each seat has an accompanying card with the picture of a superhero or monster on it.  Obviously, it's important to note which superhero or monster represents you so that an actual waitress knows where to bring your food.

I have no idea who or what the Black Panther is.  Is he a superhero?  Is he a monster?  An outdated relic from a more racially-charged era in American history?  More importantly, does he represent me as a hungry patron?

After a quick Wikipedia search I've determined that The Black Panther was, "the first black superhero in American comics" and got his power from a meteorite made of the fictional material 'viabranium' that crashed into his home country, the island of Wakanda.  As the leader of the Wakandans he is, "entitled to eat a special heart-shaped herb which, in addition to his mystical connection with the Wakandan Panther god, grants him superhumanly acute senses and increases his strength, speed, stamina, and agility to the peak of human development."

So, yes, he is a superhero and not a monster.  And yes, this is arguably the most accurate portrayal of me as a hungry patron.  Fuck that Batman shit.

Now that we've established that I am the ginger-bearded, blogger equivalent of a righteous black superhero, let's get down to business.

(Cue the horns)

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, The Bad Waitress's Vegan Cake!

So here's the story so far: 

Location: The Bad Waitress Diner & Coffeehouse on the corner of 26th & Nicollet 
Time Of Day: 'Bout noon on a Tuesday 
Level Of Sobriety: Romney 
Racial Status: Conflicted  
Meal: Vegan Cake 
To The Side: Sizzurp 
Beverage: Coffee 
Menu Price: Pancake: $5.25, Coffee:  $2.00 
Total Price (w/Tip): $10.00

Admittedly, I was a little put off by the sheer quantity of pancake in front of me.  I mean, look at that damn thing!  It's bigger than the plate!  I even made a point of getting the sizzurp and coffee in the shot for scale.  I'm as hungry as the next Vibranium-addled, island nation-leading, mainstream-averse guy, but how could I eat so much damn pancake?

My only hope for eating such a quantity of pancake was that the cake would be light and fluffy.  Hopefully as much air as actual cake.  Unfortunately, this was not the case.

I gave it the old college try, but I found the pancake to be too, too doughy, and too chewy.  Like a high-quality sponge, a good pancake has enough airy-ness to be able to absorb the syrup.  Again, this was not the case with the vegan cake.  The syrup never melded with the cake, but rather just sat on top of it.  Each bite became an exercise in balancing fluid on solid rather than the sticky, sweet explosion in my mouth that I was hoping for.

Wait, what?

Double entendres aside, this was a lackluster pancake.  It was filling, but by the time I was halfway through it I had definitely taken on the mindset that I was eating it out of obligation.

(Pro tip #2: For an extra $1.75 you can add blueberries, strawberries, blackberries, bananas or chocolate chips.  Now, you all know that I'm the last person who would ever advocate eating fruit.  However, in this case, it's probably a good choice.  It would at least break up the monotony.)

So, that was the meal.  Let's break this thing down:

Flavor: 3/10 - Bland and doughy.  The only flavor involved came from the syrup.  It would have gotten a 1, but the coffee was excellent.

Filling: 8/10 - Under threat of physical violence I could have maybe finished this whole thing.  Fortunately, it didn't come to that.

Price: 6/10 - $5.25 is a very reasonable price for pancakes bigger than dinner plates.  When you factor in the fact that, one, it's not delicious, and two, you'll probably only eat 3/4 of it... well, it doesn't seem so reasonable.  Add in the (delicious) coffee and the tip though, and I would say that this is not the best way you could spend $10.

Ambiance: 7/10 - As mentioned, it was a little warm on the bar side.  They do have a jukebox that plays standard 30 year old hipster standards ("Song 2," "Hungry Heart," "Here Comes Your Man..."), which, as a 30 year old hipster, I can definitely get behind.

(Quick jukebox sidenote: At one point the jukebox played "Where Is My Mind?," after which one of the waitresses turned to the other and asked, "Who was that?" It was both adorable and heartbreaking.)

Service: 8/10 - Since I took on half of the waitressing duties I'm going to go ahead and say that I was awesome.  I was prompt, polite, and flirty (but not overtly so).  I would have given myself a 10 if I wasn't so shabbily dressed.  Still, a pretty great job.

If This Meal Was A Guest Rapper On A Kanye West Track It Would Be: 2 Chainz.  For some reason people really seem to love The Bad Waitress, and I guess I wouldn't say it was bad, but it was really just kind of... meh.

How Many Times Would I Eat This Meal Per Month If I Could Afford To: Sadly, probably never.  If I'm fucking with vegan pancakes I'm going to head down to French Meadow for their far superior corncakes.  And if I'm returning to The Bad Waitress I'm definitely going with the aformentioned Heavy Pedal.

Final Score: 5/10.  I don't mean for this review to reflect negatively on The Bad Waitress in its entirety.  I actually dig the place.  I do mean for this review to reflect negatively on the vegan pancake, though.  Doughy, chewy, non-absorbent... that's that shit I don't like.  If you find yourself at The Bad Waitress, stick with the omlette-tofu-sausage options.

Well there you have it, food fans.  An unsatisfactory experience chronicled and filed away.

For and look at the menu & more information on The Bad Waitress be sure to stop by their website here.  Or just swing by 26th & Nicollet.  Vegan & non-vegan options abound.  And they have booze.

For more TCDroogsma you can give him a follow on Twitter and/or Instagram (@TCDroogsma) or stop by his personal blog Flatbasset. He was lying up above.  His flirting was forced and clumsy.

Newest Industry also lives on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1).  Give us a follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors.  More importantly, we also have a Facebook page here.  If we get enough "likes" we'll pick up some less shabby clothes for TCDroogsma.

Meal Time!#1: TCDroogsma at Bryant-Lake Bowl

TCDroogsma likes to eat things. He also likes to write blogs. Here we go...

Hey internets! How ya'll doing? Well? Yeah? Good. You know I worry about you.

As you can see, I took a walk down to the old Bryant-Lake Bowl the other day.  If you somehow don't know what B-LB is, well, get outside more. Christ.

B-LB is a bar/restaurant/old-timey bowling alley located, if you can believe this, on the corner of Bryant Ave. & Lake St. During the day it's very much a lunch spot and at night it becomes more of a date night/dj night/bowling night type of place. They have a theatre attached to the bar, but for our purposes, that's irrelevant (of course, if you're a fan of indie theatre and local bands, you should look into it).

Annnyyywayyy... I was hungry for breakfast yesterday (by breakfast I mean it was 2:00 in the afternoon but I hadn't eaten yet). Thanks to my old friend SwervinTaters, I remembered that B-LB actually has breakfast until 3 and that it's pretty solid. When I got there at 2:30, I had just missed the lunch rush, so I was working with this:

As you can see, with the exception of the server who was moving faster than my shutter speed, I pretty much had the run of the place. Though, oddly, the bowling lanes were mostly full. Who's bowling on at 2:30 on a Tuesday afternoon?

So, here's what we're dealing with. Here's the rundown.

Location: Bryant-Lake Bowl
Meal: Tofu Scramble
Main Ingredients: Tofu, Tamari, Spinach, Red Pepper, Onion, Seasame Seeds, Tamari
To The Side: B-LB Fries or Dirty Rice (cooked in canola oil), a variety of toast options
Beverage: Water
Seated: At The Bar
Music: The Current
Menu Price: $7:50 American for the scramble/sides, $0 for the water
Total Price: $10 American (w/tip)

(Cue the horns)

I present to you the Bryant-Lake Bowl Tofu Scramble!

As you can see, unlike the restaurant's very literal name, the Tofu Scramble does not actually feature scrambled tofu. The tofu is cubed and mixed in with the spinach, onion, red pepper & mixed all together with the tamari and sesame seeds.

The home fries have the texture and consistency of thin-cut potato chips.

(Pro Tip #1: Mix the tofu/veggie combo with the home fries and let it all sit for a minute or two. This lets the potatoes absorb some of the tahini and soften them up. Otherwise you're just eating potato chips with a fork, or as I like to call it, Chinese Potato Chip Fork Torture.)

Also, I went with the sourdough as my toast of choice because, as Congress declared back in the mid-90's, sourdough bread is un-fuck-withable.

Anyway, once I let the mixture come together, this meal was a damn fine meal. The tofu is not very browned, so if you're put off by the texture of tofu, this may not be the meal for you. You should also grow the fuck up.

The red pepper was definitely still crisp, which is awesome. The onion gave the whole thing a nice little kick. Obviously the spinach does what spinach does, namely taste pretty good while making you feel like you're being relatively healthy. We all know it's easy to let spinach get too soggy, so, to their credit, the cooks did an awesome job of getting it done just right.

Not to channel the ghost of Mitch Hedberg, but I'd be lying if I said I knew exactly what role the sesame seeds play in the meal. That being said, they are not an unwelcome addition.

The tamari does not have a super-prominent role in the taste of the entire meal. This is clutch, as nobody wants to eat a breakfast that's so salty they're chugging glass of water after glass of water. It does pull everything together nicely though.

(Pro Tip #2: Since the toast is dry, save it for last. Eat up the delicious tofu/veggie/home fries mix and then use the toast to soak up what's left of the tamari & canola oil. This improves the meal by at least 15%)

So that's that. A very, very good breakfast. Let's tally up the final score.

Flavor: 8/10 - Mild, which is perfect for a breakfast that is one part delicious and one part hangover cure.

Filling: 6/10 - Good and greasy (though without actual grease). However, you'd have to eat a whole cart of tofu & veggies to actually get full.

Price: 6/10 - $10.00 total seems a bit steep for a meal that wasn't super filling and didn't have a beverage. However, that's the going rate these days. If it was any cheaper I'd probably be there 3 days a week.

Ambiance: 8/10 - Given my distaste for people, an empty bar was pretty solid. Plus, they played the new Blur single on The Current while I was there. Bonus point.

Service: 9/10 - Kristen & Brendan were working  behind the bar. Both were super-friendly and, I'm secure enough in my manhood to admit, very good looking. If you ask Kristen nicely she may even tell you about her bacon & cheese tattoo. Also, I apologize if I misspelled your names, Kristen & Brendan. Or Christin & Brendon. Or Kirstin & Brian.

If This Meal Was A Former Twins Outfielder It Would Be: Shannon Stewart. You tend to forget about it, but it's actually really good and deserves more credit than it gets.

How Many Times Per Month Would I Eat This Meal If I Could Afford To: 3. It certainly deserves a spot in the rotation. Roughly once every 10 days seems about right.

Overall Score: 7/10 - A better than average breakfast experience. Thanks, B-LB!

So there you have it, Twin Cities. The Tofu Scramble at the Bryant-Lake Bowl. Definitely worth checking out.

For more TCDroogsma you can follow him on Twitter (@TCDroogsma) or on his own blog Caffeine & Obscenities.

As always, you can follow this blog on Twitter as well (@NewestIndustry1). Give us a follow.

SwervinTaters Bar Review #5: Mortimer's

Hey Twin Cities! Big Brother Swervin is on a mission. That mission: Helping you achieve maximum enjoyment while slowly drinking yourself to death. And that’s not just the bar reviews. That’s a life mission.

Swervy spent the afternoon at Mortimer’s the other day. It didn’t go particularly well. Have a look:



Mortimer’s: It will turn you against old white people AND female white people! It will force you to form a new opinion on what’s wrong with America! And yet, 2 of 5 Swerves. Let’s check the scoreboard:

CC Club: 4 Swerves

Pat’s Tap: 3.5 Swerves

Loring Kitchen & Bar: 3.5 Swerves

Liquor Lyle’s: 2 Swerves

Mortimer’s: 2 Swerves

Welcome to last place, Mort’s!

Sadly, we can’t suggest a link to Mortimer’s website because they don’t have one. We’re assuming nobody there knows how to use a computer. If you want to know what it’s like, you’ll have to check it out yourself. Bring your coon skin cap.

As always, we thank SwervinTaters for his contributions to the blog, the Twin Cities, and the his tireless efforts to promote a sexy motion. If you need more SwervinTaters in your life (and you probably do), check him out on Twitter (@SwervinTaters).

Until next time, Amurrica…

SwervinTaters Bar Review #3: CC Club

Hey Amerrica! SwervinTaters is back and he celebrated President’s Day by going to the most presidential bar he knows: The CC Club. Have a look at his thoughts on this iconic Uptown spot:



What CAN you say about the CC Club? It’s a bar or an establishment… Whatever you wanna call it. Swervin calls it four out of five! The CC Club is the, er… clubhouse leader. Here’s the standings so far.

CC Club: 4 Swerves

Pat’s Tap: 3.5 Swerves

Liquor Lyle’s: 2 Swerves

For more info on the CC Club, you’ll just have to go there, because they don’t have a website.

As always, you can find more of SwervinTaters’ insight on life, whoredom, drinking, Minnesota sports, whores, life, & drinking by following him on Twitter (@SwervinTaters)

Sammy Sosa, baby!

SwervinTaters Bar Review #2: Liquor Lyle's

Hey everybody!

That good looking man-about-town SwervinTaters stopped by Liquor Lyle’s this week for the Bar Review. A drunken time was had by all. Here’s what he thought of the bar:


Liquor Lyle’s: Don’t come here if you like yourself.

 Truer words were never spoken.

Thanks to Swervin for stopping by NI and sharing his opinion. If you’re not following him on Twitter (@SwervinTaters) you’re life is an unequivocal failure. Until next week…

SwervinTaters Bar Review #1: Pat's Tap

Welcome to the first edition of SwervinTaters Bar Review. Swervin is a longtime friend of ATU and a Twin Cities bar aficionado. This week he visited Pat’s Tap at 3510 Nicollet Avenue in South Minneapolis.



There ya go, folks! Not a bar for key bumps! Don’t act like he never told ya.

Pat’s Tap will inevitably be bragging about their 3 and a half Swerve rating very soon. Be sure to check their website here.

Thanks to Swervin for stopping by the blog. For more of his observations on life and bar, he’s a must-follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). Until next week…