Meal Time! #4: TCDroogsma at The Bad Waitress Diner & Coffeeshop

Nice game... bitches...

Hey food fans!

TCDroogsma's been spending too much time holed up writing and talking about music lately, so we cleaned him up and sent him out into the world to find a nice hot meal.  He managed to walk a whole six blocks from Planet New Basset to The Bad Waitress on the corner of 26th and Nicollet.

TCDroogsma, thoughts?

Alright, let me say right off the bat that I was already plenty clean when I was sent out to find this meal.  Admittedly, though, it was nice to eat warm food.  Variety's the spice of life, they say...

Now, this wasn't my first time going to The Bad Waitress.  It was my second.  However, it was my first time going their without nursing a pretty solid hangover.  Sobriety's the spice of life... wait, nobody's ever said that.

Annnyyyway, as you all hopefully remember, I stay all vegan everything.  As far as breakfast in the Uptown area goes, their are only a few decent options.  On my first trip to The Bad Waitress I indulged in something called "The Heavy Pedal," which was essentially scrambled tofu, hashbrowns, and vegan sausage.  Since I've already done two tofu-based reviews I thought I'd have a go at some other breakfast food.  But what else would make for a good vegan breakfast on a kind of frigid November morning?

Well, the place wasn't too busy, so, out of habit, I pulled up a seat at the bar and had a look at the menu.

(Pro Tip #1: Be careful sitting on this side of the restaurant early in the day.  The sun comes pounding through the storefront at just the right angle to incubate the bar.  Add in the hot coffee and I found myself sweating like Michael Beasley during a routine traffic stop.)

Now, on to breakfast.

Pancakes. Mufuckin' pancakes.

Boom!  I'm in.  For those who've never been to The Bad Waitress before, the name is actually a bit of a misnomer.  You don't even really have a waitress.  You write down your order on a piece of paper from the ordering pad, bring it up to the counter, and pay all at once.

Essentially, you're the waitress.  And, as noted, the expectations are low.  Just something to ponder as you wait for your food.  Notice that the top of my card reads "Black Panther."  Each seat has an accompanying card with the picture of a superhero or monster on it.  Obviously, it's important to note which superhero or monster represents you so that an actual waitress knows where to bring your food.

I have no idea who or what the Black Panther is.  Is he a superhero?  Is he a monster?  An outdated relic from a more racially-charged era in American history?  More importantly, does he represent me as a hungry patron?

After a quick Wikipedia search I've determined that The Black Panther was, "the first black superhero in American comics" and got his power from a meteorite made of the fictional material 'viabranium' that crashed into his home country, the island of Wakanda.  As the leader of the Wakandans he is, "entitled to eat a special heart-shaped herb which, in addition to his mystical connection with the Wakandan Panther god, grants him superhumanly acute senses and increases his strength, speed, stamina, and agility to the peak of human development."

So, yes, he is a superhero and not a monster.  And yes, this is arguably the most accurate portrayal of me as a hungry patron.  Fuck that Batman shit.

Now that we've established that I am the ginger-bearded, blogger equivalent of a righteous black superhero, let's get down to business.

(Cue the horns)

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, The Bad Waitress's Vegan Cake!

So here's the story so far: 

Location: The Bad Waitress Diner & Coffeehouse on the corner of 26th & Nicollet 
Time Of Day: 'Bout noon on a Tuesday 
Level Of Sobriety: Romney 
Racial Status: Conflicted  
Meal: Vegan Cake 
To The Side: Sizzurp 
Beverage: Coffee 
Menu Price: Pancake: $5.25, Coffee:  $2.00 
Total Price (w/Tip): $10.00

Admittedly, I was a little put off by the sheer quantity of pancake in front of me.  I mean, look at that damn thing!  It's bigger than the plate!  I even made a point of getting the sizzurp and coffee in the shot for scale.  I'm as hungry as the next Vibranium-addled, island nation-leading, mainstream-averse guy, but how could I eat so much damn pancake?

My only hope for eating such a quantity of pancake was that the cake would be light and fluffy.  Hopefully as much air as actual cake.  Unfortunately, this was not the case.

I gave it the old college try, but I found the pancake to be too, too doughy, and too chewy.  Like a high-quality sponge, a good pancake has enough airy-ness to be able to absorb the syrup.  Again, this was not the case with the vegan cake.  The syrup never melded with the cake, but rather just sat on top of it.  Each bite became an exercise in balancing fluid on solid rather than the sticky, sweet explosion in my mouth that I was hoping for.

Wait, what?

Double entendres aside, this was a lackluster pancake.  It was filling, but by the time I was halfway through it I had definitely taken on the mindset that I was eating it out of obligation.

(Pro tip #2: For an extra $1.75 you can add blueberries, strawberries, blackberries, bananas or chocolate chips.  Now, you all know that I'm the last person who would ever advocate eating fruit.  However, in this case, it's probably a good choice.  It would at least break up the monotony.)

So, that was the meal.  Let's break this thing down:

Flavor: 3/10 - Bland and doughy.  The only flavor involved came from the syrup.  It would have gotten a 1, but the coffee was excellent.

Filling: 8/10 - Under threat of physical violence I could have maybe finished this whole thing.  Fortunately, it didn't come to that.

Price: 6/10 - $5.25 is a very reasonable price for pancakes bigger than dinner plates.  When you factor in the fact that, one, it's not delicious, and two, you'll probably only eat 3/4 of it... well, it doesn't seem so reasonable.  Add in the (delicious) coffee and the tip though, and I would say that this is not the best way you could spend $10.

Ambiance: 7/10 - As mentioned, it was a little warm on the bar side.  They do have a jukebox that plays standard 30 year old hipster standards ("Song 2," "Hungry Heart," "Here Comes Your Man..."), which, as a 30 year old hipster, I can definitely get behind.

(Quick jukebox sidenote: At one point the jukebox played "Where Is My Mind?," after which one of the waitresses turned to the other and asked, "Who was that?" It was both adorable and heartbreaking.)

Service: 8/10 - Since I took on half of the waitressing duties I'm going to go ahead and say that I was awesome.  I was prompt, polite, and flirty (but not overtly so).  I would have given myself a 10 if I wasn't so shabbily dressed.  Still, a pretty great job.

If This Meal Was A Guest Rapper On A Kanye West Track It Would Be: 2 Chainz.  For some reason people really seem to love The Bad Waitress, and I guess I wouldn't say it was bad, but it was really just kind of... meh.

How Many Times Would I Eat This Meal Per Month If I Could Afford To: Sadly, probably never.  If I'm fucking with vegan pancakes I'm going to head down to French Meadow for their far superior corncakes.  And if I'm returning to The Bad Waitress I'm definitely going with the aformentioned Heavy Pedal.

Final Score: 5/10.  I don't mean for this review to reflect negatively on The Bad Waitress in its entirety.  I actually dig the place.  I do mean for this review to reflect negatively on the vegan pancake, though.  Doughy, chewy, non-absorbent... that's that shit I don't like.  If you find yourself at The Bad Waitress, stick with the omlette-tofu-sausage options.

Well there you have it, food fans.  An unsatisfactory experience chronicled and filed away.

For and look at the menu & more information on The Bad Waitress be sure to stop by their website here.  Or just swing by 26th & Nicollet.  Vegan & non-vegan options abound.  And they have booze.

For more TCDroogsma you can give him a follow on Twitter and/or Instagram (@TCDroogsma) or stop by his personal blog Flatbasset. He was lying up above.  His flirting was forced and clumsy.

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