STRENGTHS
--Why,
only the returning NFL MVP, the best running back of his generation,
the beast that is Adrian Peterson.
Last year he was the engine that ran
the Vikings offense, without him, those 10 wins become 4 or 5 very
easily. If Christian Ponder ever develops into a quarterback worthy of
the 12th pick in the NFL draft, he can thank AP for making his formative
years as a QB easier than most young signal callers are rewarded (See:
Blaine Gabbert).
Adrian Peterson put on quite a show last year, falling 9
yards short of breaking Eric Dickerson's single season rushing record.
Think about that. NINE YARDS. Over the course of 16 games and 348
carries that 9 yards could have come anywhere. Let's not forget AP didn't
really hit his stride until week 8 or 9 and you can imagine he probably
left 100-200 yards on the field.
AP says he's going to break the record
this year, and though I don't doubt he COULD do it, I'm not so sure its
in the team's best interest for him to accomplish the feat. Regardless,
Adrian Peterson is the Vikings #1 strength, even on a bad day.
--The Road Graters!
The Vikings will return all 5 offensive line starters
from last year, easily making The Purple's O-line the best in the
division and top 5 in the conference. Winning the clichéd "battle in the
trenches" is an important key to wearing teams down and keeping games
close until the end.
Anchored by center John Sullivan, who all the
experts agree was an atrocious Pro-Bowl snub, this group should be well-oiled and cohesive right out of the gate. Matt Kalil enjoyed a very
impressive rookie campaign and you have to believe his technique will
only get better in Year 2. Kalil runs a 40 yard dash in under 5 seconds
at 6'7', 300+ LBS, all you can say to that is holy shit. Phil Loadholt is
who we thought he was, but in my opinion it was very important to get
him re-signed, The Vikings weren't going to find anything close to his
"consistency" on the free agent market.
I expect the pass protection to
improve in Ponder's 2nd full season as starter, as the QB and his O-line
begin to understand each others methods and timing. I'm excited to watch
this unit dominate all year.
--Special Teams truly were special
last year.
The Vikings rarely gave up any long kickoff/punt returns. On
average, opponents began their drives on their own 22 yard line, which
was top 5 in the league.
Rick Spielman hit a home run drafting rookie
kicker Blair Walsh, the kid came up huge game after game. In a season
where the Vikings won 6 games by a touchdown or less, all those 3
pointers were the difference in at least 2 or 3 wins.
Chris Kluwe is now
in Oakland after his worst year statistically, and Spielman has taken
some criticism for drafting rookie punter Jeff Locke in the 5th round.
Although it may have been nice to get a bit more defensive depth with
that pick, in my opinion Spielman has earned a pass to make these kind
of aggressive picks. The man can scout kickers and punters. If anything,
I expect a major statistical upgrade in the punting categories this
year.
It will be interesting to see if the rookie Cordarrelle Patterson
can make an impact in the return game. The Vikings are hoping he can be
as dynamic as Percy Harvin was for them in the years past. That's a tall
order, but Patterson greatest asset is his ability to make defenders
miss in the open field, and I can see the rookie busting a few long
returns this year. It's gonna be fun to watch.
Now, I'm optimistic about The Purple, but I'm not naive. This squad also has some weaknesses worth discussing.
WEAKNESSES
--Defensive depth is something of great concern to me
coming into this year.
With one or two lengthy injuries to starters
along the 2nd and 3rd lines of defense, the Vikings could be in big
trouble. Suddenly, you're looking at Audie Cole trying to cover starting
tight ends in space or, maybe even worse, imagine Marcus Sherels trying
to hang with a Calvin Johnson double move. Don't get me wrong, I like
Audie Cole, and as impressive as picking off Buffalo's third string QB
twice in a preseason game is, I think he's a couple years away from even
fighting for a starting linebacker position in this league... OK, maybe
he could start for the Browns this year, but that's another story for
another time.
AJ Jefferson, you scare me. You couldn't cover an old barn
with a fresh coat of paint last year, and I don't want you on the field
in anything but the dime package. Any injuries in the secondary and
suddenly AJ is seeing the field more than I like.
Even with the
Desmond Bishop addition, the linebackers are paper thin. I know I'm
supposed to be excited about 4th round selection Gerald Hodges, but, I
just can't be until I see something on the field in the regular season.
Only the top-tier of LB's from college football can make the jump to the
NFL and make an immediate positive impact. Correct me if I'm wrong, but
a 4th rounder sounds like a second- or third-tier guy to me. He might be
ready to start in 2 or 3 years, but this year? He would get picked apart by
the likes of Carson Palmer and everyone better than him. Eric Sugarman,
please keep these guys healthy.
Now, those are some the strengths & weaknesses of this year's squad. However, every year brings its own set of question marks.
MAJOR QUESTION MARKS
--Losing Antoine Winfield really hurt.
He was a
veteran leader on a very young secondary unit. He could tackle like a
linebacker and cover slot receivers. He was the "quarterback of the
defense" and made sure everyone was on the same page and in the right
place before the snap. I'm not sure there is another guy that can lead
quite like that on the Vikings defense. Jared Allen and Kevin Williams
are veterans, but defensive lineman, by trade, tend to worry about
themselves alone, and have very little to do with directing the
defensive unit as a whole. I don't think a leader by committee really
works in football, so someone is going to have to step up and be that
voice, just don't ask me who that's going to be.
--The elephant in
the room is the Vikings passing game
If we get the Christian Ponder
from Weeks 1-5 or Weeks 13-17 the Vikings could win 11 or 12 games. If
we get the Ponder of Weeks 6-12, the team might only win 6 or 7.
The quarterback is the most important position in sports and last year young
Mr. Ponder was the model of inconsistency. Now if you compare his stats
to former 1st year starters at his position, he actually had a better
QB rating than the likes of both Eli and Peyton Manning, Drew Brees,
Phillip Rivers, Jay Cutler and Tony Romo. I don't put too much stock
into that however, because all of those guys were, and still are,
gunslingers with rocket arms, compared to Ponder and his half-cooked
linguine noodle of an arm.
It's incredibly difficult to try and predict
exactly what the Vikings will get out of Christian Ponder this year, I'm
not even sure he knows what's going to happen. I will however, give it
my best shot, as we shift gears and go into some production predictions.
Let's start with the offense.
PREDICTIONS: OFFENSE
Quarterback: Christian Ponder
He was serviceable last year. That's about the best
compliment I can give him. He barely held it together at times, while at
others he looked like a young Brad Johnson. That's right, buckle up
folks! Brad Johnson 2.0 might be the ceiling for Ponder.
Sure, he
completed over 60% of his pass attempts last year, but #7 only completed
39% of pass attempts of 10 yards or more. That is a miserable
disparity. Ponder panicked frequently through the middle of the season. During that stretch he
looked jittery in the pocket, breaking it unnecessarily, which lead to
blown plays, lost downs, and turnovers. He looked like a guy who was
still trying to figure it out, calm down, and adjust to the speed of the
game.
This is the only reason I have any hope for him is a starting quarterback in the NFL. I think things do begin to slow down for Ponder
this year. My hope is he shows the ability to go through his reads
without shitting his pants, at least most of the time. I think we see
mild statistical improvements from Ponder this year, just enough to save
his job for next year and make me write about this all over again in
2014.
Final Prediction: 3,700 Yards Passing/22 TD's/12 INT's/62%COMP
Running Back: Adrian Peterson
If AP runs for 2,500 yards, as is his goal, I hope he
averages 9 yards a carry. I don't want to see him carrying the ball 400
times this year. That will mean something has gone drastically wrong
with the passing game.
In Minnesota Vikings history, there is a lot of
sadness and disappointment, but every once and a while, we get to watch a
truly special athlete run wild through the league. Randy Moss, Jeff
George, and now Adrian Peterson. I think we see less yards and more TD's
from AP this year.
Final Prediction: 1,700 Yards Rushing/300 Carries/15 TD's
Tight End: Kyle Rudolph
Had a solid year in 2012. 493 yards receiving and he was
particularly difficult to cover in the red zone, leading the team with 9
receiving TD's.
It's safe to say that after Percy went down last year,
Rudolph was Ponder's favorite target. With the addition of Greg Jennings
and Cordarrelle Patterson I see Rudolph's red zone opportunities
diminishing, but I also think he will be single covered more between the
twenties, increasing his yardage totals.
Final Prediction: 600 Yards Receiving/55 Receptions/5 TD's
Tight End: John Carlson
I expect him to take a big step and DOUBLE his totals
from last year. Lets seeeee, carry the two annnnnd that puts him at 86
Yards/16 Receptions. At least he re-structured his contract.
Final Prediction: Sustained Disappointment
Wide Receiver: Greg Jennings
I don't think Jennings is the deep threat he was 2-3
years ago. He is, however, the most complete, polished receiver on this
team and the runaway #1. He is going to catch anything he can get his
hands on.
He'll line up almost anywhere, keeping opposing cornerbacks on
their toes. Line Jennings up in the right slot, Kyle Rudolph in the left
slot, Simpson/Patterson on the outside and AP in the backfield?
Anything but an elite defense will be shitting the bed at that point.
Somebody is going to be open, and I see it being Jennings a lot of the
time. I don't see him being the Vikings 1st 1,000 yard receiver since
Sidney Rice in '09, not this year anyway. Fingers crossed he stays
healthy and finds the end zone.
Final Prediction: 900 Yards Receiving/70 Receptions/6 TD's
Wide Receiver: Jerome Simpson
Simpson had a rough year in 2012. He had effective
moments in individual games, but his season as a whole was unmemorable. I
do think he enters Game 1 of 2013 as a starting WR, but how long he stays
in that spot is very much up in the air.
If Simpson can stay healthy and
produce 2-4 key catches/penalties a game, I think he hangs on to his
starting spot most of the year. If he starts disappearing in games he
will lose the #2 receiver spot quickly as there is too much young talent
right behind him. I think, in the end, Jerome will have a better year
statistically but eventually lose his starting job to rookie Cordarrelle
Patterson.
Final Prediction: 400 Yards Receiving/ 25 Receptions/1 TD
Wide Receiver: Jarius Wright
Barring injury he will go into Week 1 as the always
important slot receiver. I was really excited to watch this guy play
last year, and was disappointed he didn't see the field until the 2nd
half of the season. Once given the opportunity, his performances were
encouraging.
He has solid hands and good ball skills, with the speed to
stretch the defense. I can't wait to watch what he can do with
opportunities in a full 16 games. Percy who?
Final Prediction: 800 Yards Receiving/60 Receptions/4 TD's
Wide Receiver: Cordarrelle Patterson
Barring a ridiculous, off the charts performance in
the preseason I think he will start Week 1 on the bench. Not because he
will never be good enough to start in the NFL, but simply because he is
an incredibly raw rookie (having played only one year of collegiate
Division I football).
Expect Patterson to see 20-25 snaps a game early
on, slowly increasing as the season moves on and as he becomes more
comfortable and effective. As mentioned before, at some point during the
season I expect Patterson to start seeing some of Jerome Simpson's
starting reps on the outside. I expect a solid rookie campaign from
Patterson, but nothing earth shattering. I'm more excited to see what he
gives us in the return game, but more on that later.
Final Prediction: 500 Yards Receiving/30
Receptions/4 TD's
Wide Receiver: Joe Webb
Oh yeah, you better believe he is making the team. If
only because he's Joe Webb. I mean come on, that's a football guys name. To paraphrase The Great Eyebrow King Himself, John Madden, "If
you're playing football, you want a football guy like Joe Webb". Joe
Webb is a freak athlete. Also, notice how when I write his name I have
to write "Joe Webb", whereas, I will simply write "Jennings" or
"Simpson" for other players. He's a football guy. Joe Webb. Foot Ball.
FOOT BALL. JOE WEBB.
Don't forget, Joe Webb can return kicks too.
Final Prediction: 200
Yards Receiving/10 Receptions/1 TD
PREDICTIONS: DEFENSE
Defensive End: Jared Allen
Getting older and entering a contract year, Jared
Allen's future with the Vikings is very much in question right now. In
2012, The Purple's resident cowboy was hampered by nagging injuries yet
still led the team in sacks with 11. He has been dealing with an ankle
injury in training camp but expects to be healthy by the season opener.
Allen is going to tally at least 6 sacks against the Packers alone, who, following Bryan "Baby Whale" Bulaga's ACL tear
will be forced to start an untested rookie at left tackle this year.
Sadly, I think we are watching Jared's swan song in Purple.
Final Prediction: 40
Tackles/12 Sacks/3 FF
Defensive End: Brian Robison
The model of consistency, we have seen all Brian
Robison is ever going to be. Now, being an 8 sack, 3 turnover guy every
year won't make you a superstar, but it does make you an important cog
in an NFL defense.
Also entering his final year under contract, I think
Mr. Robison will be gone at years end, but hey, its been a nice run. I
always thought he looked like he was destined to be a Dallas Cowboy at
some point...
Final Prediction: 30 Tackles/8.5 Sacks/ 2 FF
Defensive End: Everson Griffen
Taking a big step last year, Griffen tallied 8
sacks, 2 forced fumbles, 1 INT, and, at times, looked like a disruptive
force in the backfield. At 6'3", 275 LBS and 25 years of age, he is about
to enter his athletic prime.
This freak of nature can rush from a LB's
position, go into a 3 point stance, or drop back into coverage and sit
in a zone to fool an opposing QB. It's important to have versatile guys
on your defense, because NFL offenses have never been so inventive or
versatile as they are now.
Not to sound like a broken record, but
Griffen is also entering a contract year, unlike his peers, I expect him
to have a monster year and eventually be re-signed by the Vikings. Pay
that man!
Final Prediction: 50 Tackles/11 Sacks/4 FF/2 INT
Linebacker: Chad Greenway
Ever since tearing his ACL on the first play of his
professional career, Greenway has been the model of durability, leading the Vikings in tackles year after year. Being the most stable linebacker
on the team for years comes at a price, Greenway must stay in his gaps
and avoid taking risks. The result has been very few "splash" plays in
his box score. While decent in coverage, he doesn't average more than 1
INT per year, and his sack totals could be described as modest, at best.
Such is the life of being a good-but-not-great linebacker in a group
of, overall, mediocre players. Don't get me wrong, without Greenway in
the line up every week the last 2-3 years, this Vikings defense is in a
bad place. Expect more of the same from our best inebacker this year.
Final Prediction: 140 Tackles, 10 for loss/3 Sacks/2 FF/1 INT
Linebacker: Erin Henderson
Trying to make the move from outside LB to the inside
and quarterback the defense is no small challenge. The Vikings defense
needs a leader more now than ever after losing Antoine Winfield to the
filthy Seachickens. While I am still skeptical that Henderson can make
this move and be leaps-and-bounds better than Jasper Brinkley was last
year, I am positive that the defense will go as Henderson goes. If he is
run-of-the-mill, the defense will play on their heels, one step behind,
most of the season. Remember when EJ Henderson finally figured it out
and the difference it made to the Vikings defense as a whole? Keep your
fingers crossed that it runs in the family and the Hendersons are just
late bloomers.
Erin has gotten better every time he was given more
opportunity and responsibility, which is encouraging, and while I don't
think he can possibly be as bad as Jasper Brinkley was last year, I
don't think he can catch the lightning in a bottle that his brother did
before his gruesome leg injury.
Final Prediction: 110 Tackles, 8 for loss/2 Sacks/2 FF/2
FR
Linebacker: Desmond Bishop
The Vikings took a low risk flyer on this former
Packer. After tearing his hamstring to the bone during last year's
pre-season, the much-hated border rivals let him go, and, last I
checked, Ted Thompson was not in the business of letting solid players
go.
Bishop spent the beginning of training camp hampered by hamstring AND groin issues (hamstring issue was in the
"healthy" leg). Sounds like he's overcompensating for that devastating
tear, and getting tweaks in other lower body areas as a result.
At this
point I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't make the final roster, but
in my heart of hearts I think he probably does, simply because he's a
warm body who has performed at a high level as recently as 2 years ago.
It's tantalizing, but I don't expect much from him this year and I think the Vikings might, eventually, be better off starting rookie Gerald
Hodges, with Bishop as a rotation/spot start guy.
Final Prediction: 40 Tackles, 2 for
loss/1 Sack
Linebacker: Gerald Hodges
I have been impressed with the camp this 4th round
selection has been having. He has shown an endless motor, as well as the
drive and excitement that leads me to believe he could contribute right
out of the gate. He has shown he can get penetration into the
backfield.
The learning curve for a rookie LB is steep, so I would feel
more comfortable with him as a situational/rotation guy Week 1, use the
reps he does get early, and make the most of them, to work his way into
the big picture slowly. He will start games this year, initially due to
injury, but by year's end, simply because he's the best option.
Final Prediction: 55
Tackles, 4 for loss/1 Sack/1 FF/1 INT
Linebacker: Marvin Mitchell
Mitchell put in his time as a back-up last year and
this may be his year to start. With Greenway and Henderson locked in to
be starters, you have Mitchell, Bishop, and Hodges fighting for the last
starting linebacker spot. Bishop, who was brought in to fill that role,
has been unable to stay on the field thus far, Hodges, being an
unheralded rookie, would benefit from some time on the bench.
Mitchell
isn't spectacular or terrible, but he is there, he is a veteran and he
isn't injury prone. Who will be the 3rd starting Linebacker Week 12? I
have no clue! But Week 1 its going to be Marvin Mitchell.
Final Prediction: 60 Tackles, 3
for loss/1 Sack/1 INT/1 FF
Linebacker: Michael Mauti
Barring significant injuries, this rookie probably
won't see consistent defensive reps during the season. He does look like
a Grade A special teamer, and a good depth guy in the linebacker core.
He played middle linebacker in college, which actually gives him the
most experience at that position on the roster. A solid safety net just
in case anything happens to Erin Henderson.
Final Prediction: 25 Tackles/1 FF
Linebacker: Larry Dean
In addition to being The Sausage King of Valdosta,
Larry Dean is also a solid back up linebacker and special teamer, who, if
called upon, could probably start in a pinch and be halfway competent.
He has decent speed and is a wrap-up tackler, to go along with a
relentless motor on kick offs and punts. One thing is for sure, starting
your day off with Larry Dean sausage will fill you up. Things just got
weird.
Final Prediction: Hot & filling breakfasts for the linebacker corps each & every week.
Cornerback: Chris Cook
Still looking for his first NFL interception, this
young man enters the year as the top CB on the Vikings roster. While
Cook didn't snag any takeaways last year, he didn't get burned for the
big play much at all either.
He will be facing off against number one
receivers all year, which, in my opinion, is a daunting task for a guy
with only one full year as a starter in the books. Not ideal. The
Vikings desperately need a solid, injury free year from Chris Cook, and
I'm just not sure they're going to get it.
Final Prediction: 45 Tackles/9 Passes Defended/1
INT/1 FF
Cornerback: Josh Robinson
I've always been impressed with this guy. He seems
like a smart cornerback who makes up for his average speed, size, and
athleticism by showcasing excellent technique and positioning. Robinson
doesn't take too many big risks at this point in his career and you
won't see him jumping routes like his name is Jimmy Hitchcock, but he is
very sneaky in zone coverage and can bait the inexperienced Blaine Gabbert's of the world
into poor throws.
Robinson will be making the jump from nickel corner
to starting right side CB, so it will be interesting to see how he
handles the increased snaps. I think he should be just fine.
Final Prediction: 50
Tackles/11 Passes Defended/3 INT
Cornerback: Xavier Rhodes
Rounding out the trio of Vikings first round
selections is this bruiser of a cornerback. He will play the nickel this
year and line up in a lot of man to man coverage. This guy is huge and he
is built to succeed in this position, where he will be allowed to
utilize his physical superiority against typically smaller slot wide receivers. His body type reminds me of long time Cardinals safety Adrian
Wilson, and he looks like he could play linebacker.
I'm most excited to
see how he covers the modern, ultra-athletic hybrid tight ends in the
league, who have so often tormented my favorite purple defense since,
well, FOREVER. Don't expect any ridiculous INT totals his rookie year,
but I think he is gonna make a lot of tackles, force a few fumbles and
disrupt several completions.
Final Prediction: 60 Tackles/10 Passes Defended/1 INT/3 FF
Cornerback: Marcus Sherels
Every team needs guys like Marcus Sherels. Grade A
special teamers and solid back-ups who won't crap the bed if they have
to see the field in a pinch. Sherels will see some regular time in the nickel when Rhodes needs to be spelled, but barring injury probably
won't see more than 5-10 defensive snaps a game.
Final Prediction: 25 Tackles/1 FF
Cornerback: AJ Jefferson
Please, dear God, no. I can't do this again.
Cornerback: Bobby Felder
Who? Cut your hair, hippy!
Safety: Harrison Smith
This guy has the stuff. If every player on the
Vikings defense was as effective as #22, they'd be Top 5 in the league.
If he continues to improve, he could be the best safety in the NFL by he
time he's 27.
He makes opposing wide receivers think twice before going
over he middle. He has been given the opportunity to free lance and
ball hawk in the system, and it benefited him last year. Credit to Coach Frazier and Coach Williams for realizing his strengths and playing
the scheme towards them. If he gets the ball in his hands he is always a
risk to take to the house, he has good speed and vision on INT returns.
I'm excited to watch Smith this year. The Vikings defense needs a big
year from him, and I think they're going to get it.
Final Prediction: 85 Tackles/4 Passes
Defended/6 INT/2 FF/2 TD
Safety: Jamarca Sanford
This NFL veteran is a perfect example of what hard
work, perseverance and a little luck can do for your career. If you
told me 3 years ago Sanford would still be starting in 2013 I would have
said, "FUCK! THAT FUCKING SUCKS!" He proved me and all the other doubters
wrong and has earned every bit of respect he now has. Being a solid
starting safety in the NFL is not easy, especially in this pass-happy
version of the league.
Sanford will never make a Pro Bowl or an All-Pro
team, but he looks like he will be a sound tackler and position man for
the next few years. With average (at best speed), his angles must be
precise if he is to keep up with the skill position players. Don't
expect Jamarca to have many, if any, "splash" plays this year, but you
can expect him to be in the right place and make the plays he's supposed
to.
Final Prediction: 65 Tackles/3 Passes Defended/1 INT/1 Sack/1 FF
Safety: Mistral (Mystrical) Raymond
Take an angle! Watch some tape! Take an angle! Show
me why you takin' that!
Seriously dude, between the injuries and
horrible angles I want to know what you are blackmailing Leslie Frazier
with. It's gotta be good.
Final Prediction: Ugghhh....
Well, that's that for my production predictions,
hopefully you enjoyed reading it more than I enjoyed writing it. Don't
get me wrong I bleed Purple, but some days it's just hard to get yourself
psyched up about what a "Desmond Bishop" is, and how a "Desmond Bishop"
will factor into my favorite team.
Now the real fun begins! Its time to go through the
Vikings schedule game by game and I promise you that, as long as #28
doesn't go down with a bad injury, this prediction will be accurate.
Accurate as fuck.
During training camp last season, I predicted The
Vikings would be 6-6 after 12 games and I predicted they would be 10-6
after 16. Sound familiar? Fuckin' right it does!
I would like to take
this moment to tell Bill Barnwell to suck it, (In case you don't know,
Barnwell is a sportswriter for Grantland who is paid more money than I
want to think about to be mildly accurate in his predictions) and he
predicted The Vikings would have a GREAT year in 2012 while going 7-9.
He recently wrote an entire column patting himself on the back for being
"more accurate than most" in that prediction. To which I say, suck a
big fat bag of dicks Barnwell, I'm better than you and I'm not even
getting paid for this. Have fun jerking off Bill Simmons the rest of
your life.
Anyway, got a little off track there. Let's get to the games.
The Purple Games!
Week 1: Vikings at Lions
Reggie Bush is an asshole. I mean that he's an "asshole" only in the respect that
I'm very afraid to watch the Vikings linebackers try to cover a screen
play drawn up for him. That isn't going to go well.
You know what else
isn't going to go well? The Lions trying to stop Adrian Peterson at any
point, ever. I'm thinking a surprise big game from Ponder in this one,
taking advantage of his new receivers and the fact that the Lions
defense would sell their souls to hold AP to a four yard gain every once
and a while.
Prediction: Vikings: 26
Lions: 20
The Vikings haven't won at Soldier Field since Moses
parted the Red Sea and saved the Jews from Jay Cutler's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great asshole Grandfather. OK, it
hasn't been that long, but it has been since 2007, when Adrian Peterson
single-handedly took over the contest and announced himself as a force
in the NFL.
Come Week 2 it will still be decently temperate in Chicago,
which will make this game closer than it was in 2012, when The Purple
dismantled themselves through a series of penalties and turnovers (what
else is new?), but the result will be the same.
Prediction: Vikings: 16
Bears: 23
Week 3: Browns at Vikings
Male prostitutes of Minneapolis, watch out! Week 3
brings the Browns to town and with them comes offensive coordinator and
Head-Whore of any city he visits, Norv Turner! Fall in line whores, Norv
Captains this slut-ship, and he don't take lightly to tricksin' or
traipsin' while he's around. You don't turn a trick unless Norv says so
(and gets to watch) so watch your butts (and I don't mean cigarettes)
because he's old, he's pock-marked, and he's not a head coach anymore,
so he really has nothing to lose.
Unfortunately the Browns have a lot to
lose, including this game, which they will.
Prediction: Browns: 13
Vikings: 27
Week 4: Steelers at Vikings (in London)
Technically a home game for the Vikings, but just
about as far away from home as possible, this one is really tough to
call.
The boys in Purple never seem to travel well, but don't worry its
only an 10 hour flight. There aren't any lakes to rent boats on in
London, are there? I suppose it doesn't matter, Mr. Sex-In-A-Stairwell
himself, Dwight Smith, is long gone, and this current roster doesn't
hold a candle to the deranged horniness of previous teams. (Miss you
Dwight, miss you Bryant, miss you Daunte and Smoot...sounds like a
perverse purple Christmas Carol, doesn't it? )
As excited as I am to
see the Vikings in London, I just don't see them coming out with a
victory across the pond. Vikes lose and drop to 2-2. Don't worry
just yet.
Prediction: Steelers: 23
Vikings: 20
This is the week I spend in a morose state, lost in
the world, watching a miserable Bears or Packers games at the Green
Mill, or some other terrible establishment, secretly hoping for Jay
Cutler's right arm to fall off on live television.
Week 6: Panthers at Vikings
Killa Cam makes his first trip to Minneapolis! Last
time Carolina came to The Dome Gus Frerotte was in Purple and Bernard
Berrian was still a thing in the NFL... a well-paid thing... fuck...
The times
have changed, however the only thing that's the same is the fact that mobile quarterbacks destroy the Vikings if they run SMART. Cam, I like you. I
think you are a freak of nature athlete, gifted with all the talent in
the world and, unfortunately, a horse's brain. You're going to fall just
short in this one Cam, if only because this Vikings team knows how to
pull out close games in THE DOME.
Predictions: Panthers: 17
Vikings: 24
Week 7: Vikings at Giants
Eli Manning has never beaten The Vikings on his home
field. Now, I don't put much stock into past results because rosters
change so much from year-to-year, but it is worth noting, while on his
home field against the Vikings, the youngest Manning has shit the bed.
He has 2 TD's compared to 8 INT's and right around a 50% completion
rate. Bed, meet shit. That's the kind of stuff that sticks in our
imperfect human brains. I smell an upset in this one.
Prediction: Vikings: 31
Giants: 23
Week 8: Packers at Vikings
Ohhhhhhh Boy, the old Green'n'Gold comes to town in Week 8!
Packer week is so special to me. Hope and misery interchange and
combine so fluidly, half the time I lose sight of reality and sound
decision making. OK, all of the time I lose sight of reality and sound
decision making, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy every minute.
The
Packers offensive line is in tatters, and much like the Vikings are one
Adrian Peterson injury away from finishing 5-11, The Packers are one
Aaron Rodgers injury away from being THE WORST team in the NFL. It
appears, to my eyes at least, The Pack has nothing outside of #12. I
can't really explain with words how happy it made me when The Pack had
to sign Vince Young, and if he could have to start say, 10-12 games this
year, I think I would forfeit my left thumb as payment to the Football
Gods.
Every time FOX pans over to Mike McCarthy with his lazy fucking
eye and that blank, clueless, emotionless, fucking stupid face
I remember why I hate him and all the other dunce-like Packer fans built
in his mold. He is you. You are him. (Give or take 200 hundred pounds)
Fuck you, Green Bay, and fuck you Packer fans everywhere. You can have
your 13 championships and your pathetic "Team Stock" certificates that
are worth no more than the Walgreens toilet paper you wipe your fat
asses with. I would rather wake up every day a Vikings fan, with no
titles but the peace of mind that my brain functions on at least a
semi-intelligent level, and I have something other than Sundays at noon
to live for. Enjoy the season, you fucks. Mason
Crosby misses yet another game tying field goal, because, guess what,
HE'S A FUCKING CHOKE ARTIST AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
Prediction: Packers: 21
Vikings: 24
Week 9: Vikings at Cowboys
The Purple travel to face America's team! Yes, The
Vikings will travel to BIG D to hang a BIG L on those guys with stars on
their helmets and old white billionaires in their heads. The
designation of "America's Team" automatically making the Cowboys the
worst team in professional sports, not from a talent standpoint, but
from a nobody takes you seriously standpoint.
The Cowboys will flounder
around .500 or below as long as Jerry Jones icy, crypt-keeping hands are
all over that team. The Vikes win as Tony Romo throws 3 picks.
Prediction: Vikings: 19
Cowboys: 10
Week 10: Redskins at Vikings
Last year, a guy named Robert Griffin III pretty much
single-handedly finished the Vikings off at Fed Ex Field, snuffing out a
furious comeback attempt in the process. That was 2 torn knee ligaments
ago, and while I have no doubt the Redskins signal caller will return
to form this year, I think this game will play completely different in The Dome. It's going to be loud, it's going to be fast, it's going to be
drunk (I mean come on, it's Monday Night Football). The Vikes win and
get to 7-2! We're cominnn! We're cominnnn!
Prediction: Redskins: 23
Vikings: 28
Week 11: Vikings at Seahawks
The Seahawks have to activate Percy Harvin by Week 11
if they want him to play at all this year, and of course their Week 11
opponent would be the Vikings.
I can guarantee that Percy Harvin has
circled this game as his 1st week back in the lineup. He will be
playing, and I'm afraid he may have the game of his career. Destroying
the team you demanded a trade from is one hell of a motivator, and
Vikings fans no damn well what a motivated Percy Harvin can do. Fuck.
For the second year in a row, The Vikings get embarrassed in Seattle.
Prediction: Vikings: 10
Seahawks: 31
Week 12: Vikings at Packers
I hate the Packers and their fans, but only the best
teams in Vikings history have been able to go into Lambeau and come out
with a W. I think this Vikings squad is good, but they aren't the '98 or
'09 Vikings. Aaron Rodgers, much like Brett Favre before him, rarely
loses on his own field, and as much as it hurts me to do this, I don't
see the Vikings sweeping the season series against the Pack. The Vikings lose in heart-breaking fashion.
Prediction: Vikings: 23
Packers: 24
Week 13: Bears at Vikings
By this point in the season Jay Cutler will
undoubtedly have suffered at least one concussion at the hands of his
terribly shoddy offensive line. We all know how these Bears teams go.
They start out 5-0, every sportwriter in America is saying "Cutler's
finally figured it out", "their defense is comparable to the '85 Bears",
blah blah blah...
What happens next? Injuries. Then those turnovers that
their defense were piling up start disappearing. Suddenly, Cutler is
forced to come-from-behind week after week, the offense gets pass happy,
Matt Forte loses touches, and Cutler gets the shit beat out of him. I
don't even need tea leaves for this one, it's just common sense.
Prediction: Bears: 13
Vikings: 26
Week 14: Vikings at Ravens
The Ravens play the same style of football as the
Vikings, only they do it better and won the Super Bowl last year because
of it. It's going to be a cold December afternoon in Baltimore and we
all know how well the Vikings play in cold weather games.
Weeks 11-14 is
the toughest 4 game stretch of the season for the Vikings and it's going
to end badly for The Purple. Joe Flacco might be overpaid, but he will
easily win a game like this. Vikes lose and finish this 4 game
stretch 1-3 and sit at 8-5 on the season.
Prediction: Vikings: 20
Ravens: 34
Week 15: Eagles at Vikings
The Eagles will likely be on their third different
starting QB by this point, sitting well out of the playoff picture. I
give no fucks about what a "Chip Kelly" is, what he did for the Oregon
Ducks, or why he thinks he can resurrect Mike Vick's career.
Quick math
lesson. What do you get when you divide a Chip Kelly by a Nick Foles and a
Mike Vick? You get 3 dicks on a football field with a remainder of zero
playoff games. The Vikes get back on track with a resounding victory.
Prediction: Eagles: 17
Vikings: 31
Week 16: Vikings at Bengals
This game will be the defining moment of the Vikings
season. On the road against a team that's most likely leading their
division, with an NFC playoff birth on the line.
Hopefully at this point
in the year our cornerbacks are still healthy because The Purple will
need all hands on deck to slow down AJ Green. These young corners have
never seen a receiver like Green. He's fast, he's strong, he's tall, and
he has 40 inch vertical.
It's games like this that stars have huge games
and this has a huge day by AP written all over it. End of the year, the
Bengals defense will be worn down and they will have to face the most
physical offense in the game. I'm excited. You know I have to go with
my guys. The Vikes win a tight one and are headed to the playoffs!
Prediction: Vikings: 20
Bengals: 19
Week 17: Lions at Vikings
What better way to end 31 years in the Metrodome than
demolishing the Detroit Lions! Like so many Sundays before this one,
the Lions will drag their sorry five-win carcasses to downtown Minneapolis
to play what is to them a meaningless game, in another meaningless
season, for a team in a bankrupt city.
Calvin Johnson will be close to
2,000 receiving yards again, but that will really be the only thing on
the line for the Lions. With dreams of tee times in their heads, The
Lions won't be tuned into this game and the Vikings will have them
steamrolled by halftime.
Prediction: Lions: 14
Vikings: 27
And with that I say FAREWELL METRODOME! I grew up falling in love with my
favorite team and, through them, the stadium they called home. You are
ugly, you are old, but you were always sturdy (except for the occasional
roof collapse) but I'm convinced that wasn't your fault. You had just
had enough.
You have seen the years of sadness. Wide left, take a knee
Denny, Troy Williamson, Tarvaris Jackson, Kelly Holcomb, and Robert
Smiths 1,400 high ankle sprains.
You saw the good times too. Carters
1,000th, when your touchdown cannons shot off while the ball was still in
the air, Moss's 1st game and the NFL was never the same, Brett Favre to
Greg Lewis, bye bye to the Niners. Its been a great 31 years, we'll
miss your noise, but not the seats or suites that were hardly sweet at
all. Thanks for the memories Dome.
Well there you have it! Ten & Six says the boys in
Purple are going 11-5 this year. There will be ups, downs, and all
arounds.
This season is all about young Christian Ponder. It's time to
get better or get out. I, for one, believe he can guide an NFL team to a
Super Bowl at some point in his career, but he's never going to be the
guy that can do it by himself. He has a solid team around him and a
beast named Adrian who is in his prime. The time to prove himself has
come.
It's bound to be an exciting year, it always is, and as a Vikings
fan, (real fan, not the all-to-common fair weather fan) the most
important lesson you learn is to enjoy the ride. It's always exciting,
it's always tense, and it usually ends with me not talking to anyone for
2-3 days. Lets hope this year ends different. SKOL!
Boom! Optimism abounds here on Newest Industry. As always, Mike will be with us each Thursday & Saturday all season long discussing the Vikings and making picks each week for the rest of the league's games.
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