Well hello again, everybody! Welcome to Trendsetting #5!
For those of you who aren't quite certain what you're looking at right now, here's the scoop: Each week we scan the newspapers and the internets to come up with roughly 10 trending stories both here in Minnesota and out in the rest of this big crazy world.
Once we've determined which stories are trending we send them along to Mike Otto & TCDroogsma to get their takes on the stories. Then, rather than keep their amusing ranting to ourselves, we publish them here for everybody to enjoy!
As always, Mike & Travis have not read each other's comments prior to posting.
It was a crazy week, guys. Thoughts?
01. The Obama Administration calls out the Chinese military for years of cyber-terrorism, accusing the Chinese of hacking into government & major businesses computers to acquire data.
Mike Otto:
Of course they are. I could have told you that shit. The REAL reason this grinds American's gears won't be recognized by anyone in the national media.
Lets face it, America, we are China's bitch right now. We owe them a nearly unfathomable amount of money, their economy is on the up-tick and their military is as strong as the mighty U.S. Army, if not frighteningly larger than ours. Now, I'm as red, white and blue-blooded as the next person, but that doesn't keep me from seeing the facts. Anything China does, short of a direct act of aggression/war, we just have to shut up and take. A war between the United States and China would be the end of life as we know it, so lets all keep our fat fingers crossed, America.
TCDroogsma:
Frankly, I'm not sure how much of this I believe. I mean, China's got far bigger problems than hacking U.S. interests. Not to mention, their military probably isn't smart enough to hack into American computers. Sure, they're good at math but, that only mea... NOT SMART ENOUGH! WHO'S SMART ENOUGH, FAT AMERICA!?! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE CAPABLE OF! WE TAKE ALL YOUR DATA WHILE YOU JOKE! ALL THE DATA FOR CHINA! ALL! THE! DATA!
02. In Cypress, Texas, a newborn baby was found alive in a plastic bag by dogs passing by.
Mike Otto:
So let me understand this: You got pregnant. You carried this child inside you for 9 months. You didn't go to the hospital when your water broke. You pooped this kid out in your apartment, cut the umbilical cord poorly with a scissors (3 inches remained attached to the child and it wasn't tied off) and essentially threw the child in the trash. I'd nominate this woman for mother of the year, but she's wouldn't qualify.
Being able to poop out a kid doesn't make you a mother, everything you do for the child after birth does though, you know, THE SUBSEQUENT 18-22 YEARS AFTER YOU POOPED IT OUT IS WHAT MATTERS. Texans are historically anti-abortion, maybe this woman was too, but one things for sure, she is not anti-dumpster-baby.
TCDroogsma:
When reached for a comment, the mother of the child reacted by saying, "Yes, I dumped my baby in the dumpster! And I would have got away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling dog!" She then pulled off a mask and stunned cops with her true identity: You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
03. Minnesota's congressman Keith Ellison becomes the first member of the United States Congress to visit Somalia since their new government took power.
Mike Otto:
Mr. Ellison faced many questions about how America plans to further aid war-torn Somalia, if he still faces racism In the States, and if the bulk honey is organic...
You know the honey isn't technically organic, but that doesn't really matter as long as it's raw and local you will get the benefits you are looking for. It's incredibly difficult to get honey certified organic because you have to guarantee the bees are only pollinating organic flowers, which requires an incredible amount of "Certified Organic" land...oh fuck it never mind, yah its organic. (sorry, inside joke)
TCDroogsma:
Ellison reportedly thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to
04. According to this article, leading geneticist Dr. Gerald Crabtree human intelligence is slowly declining thanks to adverse genetic mutations.
Mike Otto:
If this comes as a surprise to anyone, you are only re-enforcing Dr. Gerald Crabtree's study.
Now, it seems to me that as our worldly population continues to grow exponentially, it stands to reason that the bar of "average intelligence" would slowly but surely begin to regress. Then again, this could just be another bullshit theory from some idiot scientist...wait a minute... oh whatever, my head hurts, I'm gonna go watch a Honey-Boo-Boo marathon.
TCDroogsma:
So we're getting dumber, are we? Come here a minute, college boy, 'cause I got a couple or three things to say about all this "dumber" talk. Fuckin', dumber? No. I mean, if I was getting dumber, I wouldn't be making these quality-ass jokes on the fuckin' blog now would I, guy? Huh? Can't hear you over THAT knowledge bomb? Fuckin' guy, Now who's dumbest, dummy? Exactly.
05. 8 month old Carlos Orozco of South Minneapolis is abducted by Isabel Diaz-Castillo only to be found 4 hours later by Minneapolis police officers.
Mike Otto:
The abductor, Isabel Diaz Castillo was found with baby, Carlos in a Minneapolis basement only 4 hours after their disappearance. Isabel, you need to step your abduction game up! If you want this abduction to work, you have to leave the city, buy a bus ticket with cash and head for the border for Christ's sake! Buy a baby disguise! You're better than this Isabel...
TCDroogsma:
Thank god that nightmare is over for Carlos & his mother Victoria. When police found Diaz-Castillo hiding with baby Carlos in a relative's basement she was unwilling to give up the child without a struggle yelling, "That's my baby!" Fortunately, baby Carlos was extracted from that dangerous situation and returned to a marginally less dangerous situation: living on Franklin & Portland.
06. Tubby Smith's Gopher basketball team endures a tough week, losing games to Iowa & Ohio state by a combined 47 points.
Mike Otto:
OH NO! WHATEVER WILL I DO, THE GOPHERS FUCKING SUCK AGAIN?!?
First of all, it's basketball. Second of all, it's college basketball. Third of all, I don't need a third reason to despise the Gophers. I'm not bandwagon either, the Gophers could make an historic Cinderella-type run to the Final Four, and I will stand here alone, constantly trashing their sport and them as a team. Then, when they inevitably choke, I will be here to say I told you so and quench my thirst with the tears of Dinkytowners.
TCDroogsma:
So we're still calling this news, huh? Alright, umm... Tubby Smith continues to struggle to motiva... HAHA! YOU NO GOOD AT BASKETBALL EITHER! AMERICA INVENTED RETARDED GAME AND TOO RETARDED TO PLAY IT! WE HACK TUBBY SMITH COMPUTER AND GUESS WHAT! NO INTELLIGENCE! HAHAHA! NONE!
I'm sorry, I've really got to update my passwords. Evidently the Chinese are playing for keeps here.
07. Switzerland's lone wild bear, known as M13, is shot & killed by Swiss authorities as a "threat to humans."
Mike Otto:
Really, Switzerland? A SINGULAR bear is your greatest threat to human safety? It's apparent to me that the Swiss need to learn what REAL fear is all about. I suggest we plop Switzerland down in the parking lot after a San Francisco Giants/LA Dodgers baseball game, then they will truly understand "threats to human safety."
TCDroogsma:
According to Swiss authorities, M13 was shot and killed because he "regularly sought out food in inhabited areas," and "showed little fear of humans." In M13's defense, the humans WERE THE SWISS! You know who else loved to seek out food in inhabited areas and showed little fear of humans? Hitler! And you people didn't even TRY to stop him! I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm really sick of the Swiss.
08. Sue Paterno, widow of pedophile-enabling college football coach Joe Paterno, & her family release their own investigation, absolving Joe Paterno from guilt in the Jerry Sandusky case.
Mike Otto:
Jesus Christ, fuck off Sue Paterno you old fucking bitch.
Guess what, I initially felt kind of bad for you in this whole mess. Your late husband and the rest of his cronies were covering this up after all, and you probably didn't know enough to do anything about the horrors that were occurring. However, after your constant yapping the past year and now this report you have conducted and published with your husbands money (the same money he was earning while sweeping this mess under the rug) I have officially lumped you in with the rest of the scumbags who let this happen.
What can I say, me thinks the lady doth protest too much? All you would have had to say to look decent in all of this was something like "horrible tragedy, I feel for the victims, wish i could have done more, known more." BOOM. You'd be golden. But no, you've made this all about YOUR money and YOUR family's reputation, and the injustices the media has perpetrated on YOU and YOURS.
Let sleeping dogs lie, you rotten dried up old bitch. Lives were ruined. Young lives. And all you can think about is what YOU"VE lost. You haven't lost shit compared to the victims of Jerry Sandusky, so do us all a favor, shut the fuck up, or just go die.
TCDroogsma:
I sympathize with Sue Paterno. If my husband's lasting legacy after death was that of a pioneer who devoted his life to college football I'd do everything in my power to rescue his name too.
09. Rapper MC Hammer is arrested in for resisting arrest & obstructing an officer in Dublin, CA (outside of Oakland). He then claims to be the victim of "racial profiling."
Mike Otto:
MC Hammer arrested? STOP THE PRESSES!
Hammer was upset when, during a traffic stop, he was asked if he was, "on parole or probation." Instead of staying calm and saying simply "neither" he became, according to the police, argumentative and refused to exit the vehicle, having to eventually be removed with force and charged with obstruction and resisting. Completely avoidable, Hammer. You forgot that when it comes to the police, they CAN touch this, in fact, they can touch this whenever they want.
TCDroogsma:
Hammer's confusion is easily understandable as the incident was the first time anybody's tried to profile him since the early 90's.
10. Ben Affleck's Argo takes home the Oscar for Best Picture.
Mike Otto:
I saw Argo and I thought it was a good film. That being said, I am somewhat sad it won Best Picture because this officially marks the end of Ben Affleck being the butt of every "over hyped/under-talented" actor/director joke. He's reached the top, and I was much more comfortable with him stuck in that meaty part of the Hollywood curve.
Oh well, at the end of the day, I realize I could give two shits about Ben Affleck, The Oscars, or anything else to do with award shows where celebrities get in a giant circle jerk session and decide whose jipe is worth the most.
TCDroogsma:
Ben Affleck: Actor, producer, writer, award-winning director... and still the bomb in Phantoms, yo!
There you have it everybody! Another week's worth of trending stories given a run through the ringer.
For more Mike Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). For more Mike Otto, be sure to follow the Sue Paterno harassment suit that CourtTV will begin broadcasting in about a week or so.
For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma). He can also be found here on Newest Industry hosting our weekly Flatbasset Radio podcast. At least he will be until the Chinese hack into that too.
For more Newest Industry, be sure to follow us on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) to stay up on the work being done by all of our contributors. More importantly we have a Facebook page here. Stopping by and giving us a "Like" is a free & legitimate way to support the blog.
WE HACK YOU...WE HACK YOU ALL NIGHT LONG, FUNNY BOY! WE HACK YOU, AND THEN 20 MINUTES LATER, WE FEEL LIKE HACKING YOU AGAIN. TABLE READY IN 10 MINUTES. NO SUBSTITUTIONS!
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