Hello again, everybody! Welcome to the second installment of Trendsetting with Mike Otto & TCDroogsma!
First off, huge thanks to everybody who stopped by and had a look at the inaugural post last week. It was a huge success and we got a lot of positive feedback.
For those of you who are wondering exactly what it is you're looking at, here's the deal: Each week we send TCDroogsma & Mike Otto the trending news stories of the week. Some are local, some are national, some are global. All we ask of them is to give us their two cents on each story. They each send us their thoughts and (without them seeing each other's take on the subject) we post them here. And they receive no cents. It's quite a scam.
Anyway, Mikey, Droogsy... thoughts?
1. Hillary Clinton resigns her post as Secretary Of State. She is replaced by John Kerry.
Mike:
Hillary recently was admitted to a hospital with a blood clot in her brain. Yikes!
In much less publicized news, everyone who has spoke to John Kerry in the last 5 years has either shot themselves in the head or simply died of old age. He will be speaking to Congress, right?
TCDroogsma:
Is Obama just fucking around with all the DFL's also-rans? If I go to the White House I'll probably find Bill Richardson out mowing the lawn. Or John Edwards driving Michelle Obama around town. Wait, scratch that last one. No reasonable man would leave his wife alone with John Edwards.
2. The US Department Of Education calls for all high schools to have modified sports for disabled students.
Mike:
I thought every high school already had modified sports for disabled students? How do you explain women's high school basketball?
TCDroogsma:
I'm not so sure what the big deal is, basketball's been a varsity sport for years. Oh wait... they probably mean physically handicapped don't they?
3. The Twins wrap up the 2013 TwinsFest, thus ending their relationship with the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome.
Mike:
The end of an era. All I can think about is how I never got to throw a hot dog or double A battery at Chuck Knoblauch.
TCDroogsma:
I went down to TwinsFest this year and guess what, you guys? I met Vance Worley! No kidding! Vance! Fucking! Worley! The Tiny Vancer! In the flesh! Do you think he'll remember me at the World Series parade?
4. Justin Bieber officially passes Lady Gaga as the most followed person on Twitter.
Mike:
In other words, a shortstack lesbian-look-alike Canadian took over the title of "Greatest North American Piece of Shit" from a dude in a wig and a machine gun bra. How ambiguous of you, America.
TCDroogsma:
I can't say that I'm totally surprised by this one. Lady Gaga's tweets have pretty much just been an incoherent mashing of characters since her hands turned into a motorcycle wheel.
5. Red Bull Crashed Ice draws 115,000 people to St. Paul
Mike:
That's the most people that have gathered in St. Paul since the Republican National Convention! Unfortunately for the small, yet strong, hooker population of St. Paul, Crashed Ice bros "stimulate" the local economy about 10 times less than the GOP representatives, making modern Republicans the most sexually depraved people on the planet.
TCDroogsma:
Proof positive that idiots will go watch anything as long as it's free and has a beer tent.
6. Vikings tight end Kyle Rudolph is named MVP of the Pro Bowl
Mike:
Aaaaaaannnd the beginning of the end of your career starts .....now!
TCDroogsma:
Great, another completely irrelevant sporting accomplishment that out-of-towners and the sports media will use to claim that being a Minnesota sports fan is not that bad. As if the Lynx winning a WNBA championship wasn't enough.
7. President Obama plans to visit North Minneapolis to showcase his initiatives for reducing gun violence.
Mike:
Most everyone will be moved by President Obama's speech, especially local resident Johnathan T. Smith, age 22, who will believe he is watching one of the Black Eyed Peas speak.
TCDroogsma:
Obama's message to the country is simple: Remove illegal firearms from the hands of at-risk youth and replace them with Hot Cheetos and/or Takis. #Crunch
8. Punxsutawney Phil awakes from his slumber, comes out of his hole, and sees his shadown, thus predicing an early spring.
Mike:
The squirrels that live inside my wall have been banging like its Spring for weeks now.
TCDroogsma:
The next day, zealots from both sides continued to argue about whether or not a groundhog in Pennsylvania is responsible for a permanent shift in climate or whether these patterns have existed on the planet for years and are part of a natural cycle. When reached for comment Phil replied: "It's my day off."
9. The Dow climbed above 14,000 for the first time since 2007
Mike:
The fake money index is the highest it has been in 5 years! Fake money investors are rejoicing in the streets! One young Wall Street banker was quoted as saying "I Just hope I die of a massive coronary before the shit hits the fan again"
TCDroogsma:
I thought the quarters I have to scrape up to buy coffee each morning seemed extra shiny.
10. Uptown bar The Lowry is holding a "Celebrating Scott Seekins" week, celebrating the local artist and encouraging people to dress up as Seekins
So if you find yourself in the Lowry this weekend and are surprised by the strangely large amount of pedophile lookin' dudes, don't panic, it's just a Scott Seekins look-alike contest... OK maybe you should still panic, but not because your kid is going to get abducted... OK maybe because your kid is going to get abducted.
TCDroogsma:
A chance for Uptown residents to shave their facial hair into a stupid pattern, wear a filthy outfit, meticulously "style" their hair, ride their bike to the bar, get drunk on cheap beer, and pretend they're an artist? Last I heard that was just called "Wednesday."
11. Casey Anthony files for bankruptcy
Mike:
I hate to be cynical, but the world would be a better place if she just offed herself. She got lucky and was acquitted by a jury of her shithead peers and now has more than likely been buried in debt from her trial's expenses and whatever gets a murderer off these days. Have another drink, Casey.
TCDroogsma:
Man, some people just can't catch a break.
12. Maple Grove's Rebecca Hill is found to have given her 12 year old daughter heroin
Mike:
And suddenly, another contender for parent of the year enters the arena! Move over Kirill Bartashevich.
The 12 year old was reportedly hospitalized for withdrawal symptons last week. Needless to say, ANY amount of heroin is too much heroin for a 12 year old. I mean c'mon, mom I know you're all high on heroin and all, but could I not do heroin today? I feel like I'm falling behind on my heroin- I mean homework. DON'T HAVE KIDS IF YOU'RE STILL A FUCKING IDIOT PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
TCDroogsma:
Good lord! When did Maple Grove become the Thailand of Twin Cities suburbs? Between the heroin-addled mothers and the underage sex tapes of their hockey team Maple Grove may not be the best place to raise a kid these days.
There you have it, everybody! Another week of trending news stories put in their place!
For more Mike Otto, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). He can also be found right here on Newest Industry penning our Vikings/NFL column Ten & Six.
For more TCDroogsma, be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@TCDroogsma). He can also be found here on Newest Industry recording our weekly Flatbasset podcast and participating in Songs Of The Week.
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Ha! The funniest part was when Mike said, "I hate to be cynical..." Oh, you guys!
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