Well hello again, football fans! Welcome back to Ten & Six! Mike Otto is back for Year 2 of Vikings coverage here on Newest Industry.
For those of you who are new to the column (or those of you who have forgotten how this works), each Saturday Michael stops by break down the week's Vikings' game. He gives us some positives and negatives from the previous week, provides us with three keys to a Vikings victory, points out some key matchups to keep an eye on, and predicts the final outcome.
Along the way we'll be subjected to all matter of obscenities, biases, personal grudges, non-sequiturs, and so, so much anger.
And, as if all that wasn't enough, Mike also starts each column by making his picks for the rest of the NFL's slate of games and that's where we'll start today.
Michael, take it away!
It's Week 1 of the NFL season and that means its time for my sarcastic, dim-witted league picks. Based rarely on logic and mainly on my personal bias. But hey, my record last year wasn't too shabby so maybe my bias towards these teams isn't that far off base. Enough dilly dallyin'! Let's jump right in.
Baltimore at Denver
The warmth of a Super Bowl victory will wear off quickly in the Denver night for Joe Flacco and the Ravens, especially when he realizes he has no one to throw the ball too. If Ray Rice goes down at any point this year, the Ravens and Harbaugh East are screwed
Playoffs? Quoth the Raven, Nevermore. Broncos win 27-17
(Editor's Note: Michael sent these game picks on Tuesday afternoon and we completely forgot that this game took place Thursday night. Our bad.)
New England at Buffalo
Buffalo fans, welcome to The Jeff Tuel Era! The first 10,000 fans in attendance will receive a complimentary cyanide pill, to be taken at one's leisure, but let's face it, most of them will be downed after the first Bills "offensive" possession.
If the Patriots lose this game I will drink a glass of freshly squeezed monkey piss. Pats win 38-10
Seattle at Carolina
Russell Wilson: 5'11", intelligent, quietly confident
Cam Newton: 6'6", athletic, boisterous showman
Two very different styles. As of now Russell Wilson is the more accomplished NFL QB. I think the Seahawks are going to come out of the gate slow this year and Superman has a big game. Panthers win 24-17
Cincinnati at Chicago
Fuck Jay Cutler. I hope he gets destroyed the first snap he takes. Fat, turkey neck, baby bitch actin' dickhead douchebag thinkin-he-special-but-he-ain't mother fucker be yelling at 12 year old ball boys! Somebody needs to chokeslam this little prick so he curls into a ball. Only thing Jay Cutler is elite at is being a little bitch. Bengals win 23-16
Miami at Cleveland
Two sad fan bases. Two crime-ridden cities. Two average Quarterbacks. One pock-marked whore of an offensive coordinator. One Trent Richardson. One Mike Wallace.
What do you get when you add all this up? 23 combined points and one incredibly boring game. Dolphins win 13-10
Oakland at Indianapolis
The Raiders might not win a game this year. They are starting Terrelle Pryor at QB for God's sake. Why not just direct snap the ball to Darren McFadden every play? Also, Matt Flynn, you have somehow managed to be deemed worse at football than Terrelle Pryor. You hear that? That was your slim hope for ever starting in this league curling into a ball and dying. Raiders get blown out 28-3
Kansas City at Jacksonville
Fuuuuuck. The most exciting part of this game is going to be my first glimpse of Chiefs Head Coach and Executive Walrus Andy Reid. I mean, he's gotta be 400 lbs by now right? All that Kansas City barbeque combined with the bucket of fish he gets for his daily performance at the Kansas City Aquarium, and the blubber must be compiling at a staggering rate.
Jaguars, I just can't care about you, and I never will. Chiefs win 17-16
Atlanta at New Orleans
The power will go out in the 2nd quarter with the Saints trailing 35-21 and in the darkness, Drew Brees will finally lose it and slaughter everyone on his defense while screaming, "FINE I WILL PLAY YOUR POSITIONS TOO!!!!" Seriously though the Saints defense can't be any worse than last year right?
I don't think so, and I think the Saints get a key early victory. You shoulda stayed retired, Tony Gonzalez. Saints win 31-27
Tampa Bay at New York Jets
I am going to thoroughly enjoy watching the professional shit show that will be the New York Jets. What week will Rex Ryan be fired? Tricky question, but I can guarantee he will be at some point. Wouldn't it be great if he just had a meltdown and quit in the middle of a game? Anything is possible with this idiot. I can't believe he wasn't let go last year after the way his team completely fell apart
Shiano vs. Ryan. This is a battle of the stupidest NFL coaches. Rex retains his crown as King Dummy and the Jets lose 20-6
Tennessee at Pittsburgh
Both these teams are freaking boring.
The Steelers success or failure will come down to one thing: The Rapistberger.
The Titans have no hope for success. Jake Locker has a strong arm and a dull brain, but most importantly, a terrible offensive line. He has no chance. I almost feel bad for him.
Wait, no I don't. Steelers win 23-13
Green Bay at San Francisco
Does anyone want to remind me how the Packers season ended last year? Anybody? Oh yah! That's right! They were picked apart by Colin Kaepernick and the read option offense!
Don't worry, Packer fans, your squad made a ton of offseason improvements to the defens...err... I mean to the offens..err...
OK they didn't make an addition on either side of the ball (sorry Eddie Lacy doesn't count). What's that old saying about the definition of insanity? 49ers roll 27-17
Arizona at St. Louis
Ooooh my bones are just tingling with excitement! At least I hope that's excitement.
The first glimpse of Tavon Austin should be interesting. If he can't make Sam Bradford worthy of the #1 pick all those years ago, will anyone ever? If Bradford flops this year he might be done as a Ram.
He wins this first one though, 23-16
New York Giants at Dallas
This is the best time of year for Cowboys fans. Long before their first loss, long before December Romo rears his ugly, turnover-ridden head, shortly before Jerry Jones refers to himself as a dad to his players (I think he means Grandpa)...
Jerry Jones recently shared with reporters that his doctor told him he had the brain of a 40 year old. Makes sense to me, the man makes decisions like he's been in a perpetual mid-life crisis. HOW ABOUT DRAFTING AN OFFENSIVE LINE TO PROTECT THAT 100 MILLION DOLLAR QB OF YOURS, JERRY? NO!!??? OK THAT'S COOL I GUESS!!! Cowboys win this one 31-21
Philadelphia at Washington
Chip Kelly is not the answer. Michael Vick never was. Nick Foles is a choir boy. DeSean Jackson weighs 130 lbs. LeSean McCoy is the only hope for the Eagles, and that's simply not enough hope.
RG III will come back like nothing happened, but Jesus, he is one more torn ACL away from being in serious trouble. Tear me once, shame on you, tear me twice, shame on me, tear me a third time? SHAME ON SHANAHAN! Lets get that trending on Twitter if RG III goes down this year. Skins win 27-16
Houston at San Diego
I really enjoy watching Phillip Rivers get worse every year. His sham marriage with Norv Turner is finally over and that gives a sliver of hope for Rivers. I think he's done. Nobody in the NFL needs a change of scenery quite like Phillip Rivers. I hope to see his ugly pube-stache in another city next year.
Close game, Rivers blows it with a late INT. Same old shit, different year. Texans win 27-24
Nice work, Michael! Remember, Mikey went 174-100-1 with his picks last season. That's pretty... um... good? Is that good? Sure, why not?
Those games, however, are just the appetizer. Mikey, tell us about the main course that is this NFC North battle!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS at DETROIT LIONS
The first game of the year for The Purple is here! The Vikings will travel to Ford Field to face the Lions and it will be no cakewalk victory against these kitties. They've added Reggie Bush in the off season to give them another freak athlete and offensive threat outside of Calvin Johnson. Let's break this one down, starting with 3 Keys To A Vikings Victory.
Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:
Key #1: Defend The Screen Play
The Vikings are historically terrible at defending well-drawn screen plays. Catch the linebackers in a blitz and suddenly it's up to the last line of defense getting off their blocks to make a tackle. Not ideal.
Reggie Bush is a threat to take it to the house anytime he gets his hands on the ball, so if the Vikings can sniff out any screen plays going his way, their day will go much better. If he gets to the third level of the defense, watch out, he might go all the way.
Key #2: Get In Matt Stafford's Face Early
If Stafford is given large amounts of time in the pocket, he will find open receivers. It's important to rattle his cage early, make him uncomfortable, and let him know he can't just stand back there as long as he wants. Stafford isn't mobile at all, so he won't be breaking any long runs. Corral him and he is only going one place: down.
Key #3: Protect Christian Ponder
On the flip side, the Vikings offensive line needs to improve on a dismal showing in the preseason. Ponder needs to develop confidence early this year and he needs to feel comfortable in the pocket. He isn't going to throw any touchdowns if he is running for his life.
Like it or not, Ponder needs a lot of help in order to succeed. He is never going to be a guy that can do it behind a shoddy offensive line. Keep the sacks down this weekend, which is no easy task against this Front 7, and the Vikings will be leaving bankrupt Detroit with a "W". (Though in all honesty, anyone who is leaving Detroit is winning)
Two Matchups To Watch:
Matchup #1: Chris Cook vs. Calvin Johnson
Last year, before Chris Cook went down with an injury, he held Calvin Johnson to a handful of catches, 50 yards, and, most notably, he kept Megatron out of the end zone. When the Vikings faced the Lions without Cook in the lineup, Johnson racked up 10 catches for 200 yards and a TD. Quite the difference. It's going to be fun to watch. Let's hope Cook stays healthy and has a solid game.
Matchup #2: Adrian Peterson vs. The Lions Defense
The Lions have never been able to keep AP in check. It is retribution for all those years of watching Barry Sanders destroy those 90's Vikings teams.
AP is always fun to watch run through defenses, but particularly exciting to watch run through the Lions like they're wet tissue paper year after year. Stack the box Detroit! Nine can't stop Adrian? Why not ten? In reality, I don't think there is any chance the Lions hold AP under 100 yards this week.
Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week:
Christian Ponder, Quarterback, YOUR Minnesota Vikings
The Lions are going to sell out to stop Adrian Peterson and dare Ponder to beat them. I think he will kindly oblige. 210 yards/2TD
Final Takes
It's really important for the Vikings to get ahead early on the road in a hostile, potentially loud Ford Field. This team is not designed to come from behind. They are however perfectly designed to play with a lead. Get up 7-10 points at halftime and the Vikings can come out and pound the rock to AP to shut the door in the second half.
The Vikings can't let Stafford get in a groove or Megatron and Reggie Bush will carve them up. I think this one is going to be a close one throughout, but the Vikings will close the door in the 4th quarter and seal this one up.
Final Score:
Minnesota Vikings: 26
Detroit Lions: 20
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
There you have it, Vikings fans! A trip to the Motor City leads to a Week 1 victory and the Vikings start the season off on the right foot!
For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). He's been tweeting his way into game shape for a month now, so be sure to follow him during the game this Sunday.
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