Well hello again, turkey fans! Welcome to Ten & Six!
It's Thanksgiving week, which means that Mike's usual Thursday Kickoff has been expanded to belt-busting proportions this week. There's big games in Detroit & Baltimore, giving fans in those cities to take a day off from... um... not working. There's also a not so big game in Dallas, which provides a fine opportunity to take a trytophan-induced nap.
Mikey, what do we have to look forward to this year?
The Vikings are just trolling everyone at this point. They managed to play a pathetic Packers team to a tie, completely fucking over their draft position and giving Packer fans a glimmer of hope for the playoffs in the process. All in all, the worst possible outcome.
With a loss the Vikings would have currently owned the 1st overall pick in next year's draft, with a win they would still be picking 4th overall, which they are now after the tie. A TIE. A FUCKING TIE. No satisfaction, no bragging rights, and no honor of being the team to dagger the Packers playoff hopes. Fat, dumb Packer fans were only kind of sad as a result of this game, as opposed to jumping out the second story of their Po Barns, as I was hoping for.
I'm still seeing red as a result of that game, and although their were some positives to take away from that new and inventive complete fucking disaster, I'm going to wait to examine the in-depth details until I've decompressed a bit more.
For now let's focus on an NFL tradition! You guessed it, we have some Turkey Day football to dissect! Let's hope the Lions stop playing like turkeys and decide to carve the Packers up like one instead. Megatron! Stafford! Flynn! Lacy! Terrible!
Green Bay (5-5-1) at Detroit (6-5)
There may be a turkey shortage in America but there won't be one in Detroit come Thursday! How many more turkey jokes do you think I can squeeze into these 3 picks? Take a guess! Closest guess wins my unwavering disdain.
The Lions typically break out their best game on Thanksgiving, they puff out their chests, display their great throwback plumage, and strut around Ford Field like cock of the walk. Now, granted, usually their "best game" is only good enough for a 3 or 4 point loss. Hopefully this year is different. CLUCK NOT FUCK! CLUCK NOT FUCK!
Stafford, you're not really going to let a "Matt Flynn" come into your bankrupt house and tell you to collect the trash more than once a month, are you? Sure, Detroit only has 23 operational ambulances, (sadly, that's not a joke) and sure there are a few abandoned schools and hospitals here and there, (who needs learning and medical care anyway?) but Detroit and the urban goats that own control of downtown D still have their pride OK? They aren't gonna let a bunch of hayseeds come into town with their "electricity" and "social order" and show up their goddamn football team on the day of Thanksgiving! Urban goat power! Not as good as urban electrical power mind you, but hey, at least when the rest of this country goes in the shitter, the residents of Detroit will have a head start on how to handle the dismal, bleak Hell-scape that will be all our realities. The Lions win one for the goats on Turkey Day, 31-24.
Oakland (4-7) at Dallas (6-5)
The Cowboys can be thankful for this cupcake opponent in this years Dallas-based shitshow. It will more than likely be a Matt McGloin-led Raiders team that heads into Dallas, and here I always thought the McGloin was a part of the turkey you cut off and discarded before the meal. Turns out, it's actually this year's best option at quarterback for the Raiders. This year it's a "Matt McGloin," next year it's a "Chad Wishbone" (The only wish he won't be able to grant is a competent passing game).
The Cowboys will make this game more difficult than it needs to be because they always do. Last week, Dez Bryant was dropping the football on the ground like he was a vegan carrying a turkey with sabotage on the mind. Dez gets over his droppsies and maybe one day gets a name with 4 letters. Cowboys win, 23-16.
Pittsburgh (5-6) at Baltimore (5-6)
Suddenly this unnecessary third Thanksgiving Day game has some meaning! Both teams are 5-6 and it's still hard to believe Joe Flacco is the highest paid QB in the NFL. That dufus really cashed in on the gravy train and now seems content to go back to being undeniably average.
Ben Broethlisberger (see what I did there) has his team on a hot streak that seems unlikely yet is still occurring. Never bet against a Mike Tomlin-led squad's ability to find a way to win games. Even when you're the oldest, slowest, ugliest turkeys left in the yard you have something going for you: nobody wants to kill and eat you anymore. (Obligatory pause to pat myself on the back for that stellar Pittsburgh-Steelers-are-old-unwanted-turkeys-that-no-one-wants-to-kill metaphor).
This might be the most competitive and compelling game of the day and of course the only one you will need a hundred-dollar-a-month cable package to watch. Who's the turkey now? Gobble Gobble. Steelers keep it going and get the "W", 26-24.
If you guessed 8 turkey jokes in 3 picks, good job! Don't worry about that whole unwavering disdain thing, you probably already had that anyway. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY! Talk to all 15 of you on Saturday when I get back to the sad task of talking Vikings football. Until then stay safe and don't forget to feed your local urban goat.
There you have it, folks! Three games less exciting than your aunt's candied yams! Happy Thanksgiving, America! Remember, as tough as things may seem, all but one of you can be thankful you're not Mike McCarthy.
For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.
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