Well hello again, football fans! Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!
The Vikings head down to Dallas this week to face a Cowboys team that's both talented and flawed, which means they're pretty much just like every Cowboys team since Troy Aikman retired to that big announcing booth in the sky.
Believe it or not, it's been another tumultuously pointless week in the land of snow & purple rain as the Vikings licked their wounds after the Packers ran them off their own field. Coach (wait, still? OK...) Coach Leslie Frazier has settled on throwing Christian Ponder to the lions this week while Josh Freeman continues to recover from a concussion and Matt Cassel... um... is a little to good to completely tank and, as such, remains benched.
Mikey wrote this week's column before the QB decision had been reached, but we all knew how that would play out.
Michael, what do we have to look forward to this week?
Many questions, no answers.
The season long tailspin continues for our beloved Purple after a 44-31 drubbing from the Packers. ff you didn't watch this one, trust me It wasn't even that close.
Ponder failed to relax, as he had promised, he was inaccurate on deep balls and jittery in the pocket. On most drop backs he would go through one read and take off running. Chris Collinsworth even pointed out on one particular play, that if Ponder waits another half second, Greg Jennings comes wide open across the middle. He of course did not wait that extra second, instead tucking the ball and fleeing like the Germans were after him. Same old Christian.
Jamarca Sanford went down, and watching Mistral Raymond try to make an open field tackle is as painful as I remember. I'm really hoping the Vikings give Robert Blanton a chance to start at safety next week. He leads the team in special teams tackles and hits hard. After two quarters of play, all Mistral leads the team in is head-scratchers and eye rubbers. Eye rubbers: Always wear one, unplanned eye pregnancy is destroying the infrastructure of this country!
The losses seem to get worse every week and facing a pissed off Cowboys team in Dallas on Sunday does not sound like a recipe for success. Romo might go for 400. Dez Bryant might get half of that. Ugh.. it's going to get worse before it gets better, my Vikings faithful, so buckle up.
Much more on what will be the debacle in Dallas coming up later, now it's time for some non-Viking-related comic relief as we delve into this week's league picks. Last week my picks went 9-4, not too shabby for a limited week of contests. Same story this week, lets do it!
Atlanta (2-5) at Carolina (4-3)
Well, I hope whoever talked Tony Gonzalez into coming back is happy. You have made the NFL's resident nice guy sad, and probably sore. The playoffs are out of the picture now, barring some kind of 8 or 9 game win streak, and the resurrection of Jamal Anderson's corpse. Ya filthy dirty bird.
Killa Cam and the Panthers are streaking in the right direction all of a sudden and look to make it 4 in a row against a much maligned Falcons squad. I hated Cam in college, then found some love for him in the pros when I actually got to watch his game some more. He's a bit of a hot head, which is good for a QB, and he really likes putting a Gatorade towel on his head on the sidelines. This I know. Not so sure about the rest yet, however I am sure the Panthers win this one, 27-20.
New Orleans (6-1) at New York Jets (4-4)
Bloodbath! Bloodbath! Bloodbath! For Halloween I'm going to wear a blob-like beige body suite and go as all the weight Rex Ryan lost after his stomach stapling. You're still a fat guy to me, Rex. You still talk like a fat idiot. You still act like a fat idiot. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a fucking stupid fat duck, even if it's the size of a sparrow now. I truly hope the Jets don't win another game and the faux-fatty Rex Ryan gets the boot. C'mon on Lil' Breesy, lets make it 2 straight routes of the J-E-T-S JETS, JETS, JETS lose 42-13.
Tennessee (3-4) at St. Louis (3-5)
For God's sake, whooooo caaaaares? Jeff Fischer, do you care? Mike Munchak, do you care? Howie Long Jr., do you care? OK, Howie Long Jr. probably cares, but he has nothing else to wake up for everyday besides getting the daily news.
Two mediocre teams with their "franchise" quarterbacks on the shelf due to injury, so this is sure to be a defensive yawn fest. The kind of game that isn't low scoring because of great defense, more so completely inept offense. This one is a coin flip, I'll go with the Titans, 17-13.
Kansas City (8-0) at Buffalo (3-5)
Dolla dolla Bills Ya'll! As in "I would only pay two dollars for the purchase of this team." Much like the Bills seed, their passing game can find no purchase in the comfortable womb that is successful NFL aerial attacks. What? Huh? Never mind.
Do you guys ever think that Andy Reid listened to The Beatles "I Am The Walrus" too much as a child? It's possible, right? It would explain a few things at least. Oh well, Bills systematically dismantled, 29-13.
San Diego (4-3) at Washington (2-5)
Man the Chargers are racist. What a bigoted bunch of assholes. Calling themselves the "Chargers," just bringing the buried wounds of all electrical current to the surface. This is America! I thought we were the most glorious nation on Earth! As if Nikola Tesla wasn't persecuted enough in his day, you have to stab him in the grave. Fuck off, Redskins win 23-20. Edison OUT.
Philadelphia (3-5) at Oakland (3-4)
Man the Raiders are racist. J/K babe, nobody gives a fuck about a pirate except maybe Captain Phillips...but in that case, I think it would be like "fuck a pirate".
Anyways, it's Nick Foles back to the rescue. It's an important day for him on Sunday, if only because his mom is going to kick him out of the basement if he doesn't win the game. Under pressure, Foles produces, Eagles win 20-16.
Tampa Bay (0-7) at Seattle (7-1)
Get a win for Glennon! Mike Glennon didn't ask for this. How was he know that his life's ambition would end in the train wreck that is the this Tampa Bay Bucs season. It's OK, Mike, nobody blames you, nobody could've of predicted Hurricane Schiano would destroy everything in his wake this year...except, OH WAIT, I DID! I may be dumb, but I ain't that dumb.
Seachickens get and easy "W" without Percy, 31-14. Percy must be activated by Week 11 in order to be eligible to play this season. The Seahawks Week 11 opponent? THE PURPLE. #ForShadowing #WhoreShadowing
Baltimore (3-4) at Cleveland (3-5)
The Browns are going to shit all over the Ravens this week. Call it a hunch. Jason Campbell is back, baby! You don't want it with Campbell, Joe Flacco. Never forget Flacco, you are simply a Jason Campbell who caught ALL the bounces in your career. I don't like you much Flacco, Campbell on the other hand, that's my dude. Overwhelmed, underworked, under-utilized, tossed aside like his name was Tim Couch. No longer! The vengeance of Jason Campbell strikes this week! Browns win 17-16.
Pittsburgh (2-5) at New England (6-2)
Once a highly-touted match, now a contest between a polished turd and a maniacal evil doer (respectively, of course). Nothing can turn around the Steelers season at this point. Even if we went back to a time when Terry Bradshaw wore pants and didn't have Alzheimer's disease, the Steelers would still be fucked.
Tom Brady's team seems just good enough to get back to the AFC Chumpionship game and fall heartbreakingly close. POOR BOSTON SPORTS FANS. Pats win easy 35-24.
Indianapolis (5-2) at Houston (2-5)
The Texans are sticking with Quarterback/Law and Order spin-off Kase Keenum, and boy is that a thing. Two franchises headed in two completely different directions, these teams will try to find a way to make it interesting on Sunday Night Football. It can't GET WORSE THAN LAST WEEK CAN IT?!? Fuck, sorry, I get angry whenever I get forced to write about QB's like Andrew Luck. Writing about Tarvaris Jackson, now there's my happy place. Colts win 26-23.
Chicago (4-3) at Green Bay (5-2)
Well how do you do? Another stupid fucking "ancient rivalry" game is due up for Monday night, and I couldn't be more angered by it. Every time I have to re-realize these two teams exist in reality, I get a little stabby. You know what, I hop Mike Ditka challenges Mike McCarthy to a fight to death. No matter who loses, America wins. Packers take the "W" 27-24.
On to the main event!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-6) at DALLAS COWBOYS (4-4)
The Vikings starting QB has yet to be officially announced, but judging from the amount of 1st team reps Christian Ponder has got in practice this week, I think it's safe to assume he will "lead" the Vikings "offense" on Sunday in Dallas. Really, what does it matter? Christian Ponder, Josh Freeman, Hillary Clinton, they're all terrible. The Vikings are going to get destroyed in Dallas, that's the only certainty this week.
That being said, let's look at some positive(s) and negatives from last weeks loss to the Packers. As always, the positive(s) first:
Positive(s):
-Garbage Time Finding anything good about that game is really a stretch, but, for the sake of the bit, it was at least nice to see the team score some garbage time points. Something they failed to do the week before against a terrible Giants defense. Yeah, that's really as good as it gets. Baby steps, I guess. Maybe one day the Vikings offense start scoring big boy points again, until then, let's just keep drinking.
-Those Uniforms I thought the all-purple uniforms were a pretty solid look. The defense looked sharp (in a "sinking Titanic" sort of way) while chasing Jordy Nelson 80 yards down field.
Negatives:
-Ponder Is Still Ponder One read, panic, tuck it and run. THIS ISN'T FLORIDA STATE MAN, THIS IS THE NFL!!!
-Everything Else Was Terrible Singling out negatives from that game is like trying to single out the worst moments from the Great Depression. Fact is, it was all awful and a lot of people lost hope. The Dome was half-filled with dirty cheesers and they overpowered the purple presence in the crowd. We've all experienced Metrodome concessions, and I personally will take the depression food.
Three Keys To A Vikings Victory:
Key #1: Get The Ball Back Into Adrian Peterson's Hands
He only has 36 carries the last 3 games. Part of that is because the Vikings are getting behind early, but in my opinion the game plan seems to have changed for the 1-6 Vikings. The team has gone pass-heavy early in games, leading to many incomplete passes/3 & outs. If the Vikings are going to win Sunday, their only chance is if AP gets 25 carries and right around 200 yards.
Key #2: Tell Mistral Raymond The Wrong Flight Time
Send him to Tahiti for all I care! All I know is if he shows up on the filed Sunday in Dallas, Dez Bryant and Tony Romo will probably hook up for 3 TD's.
Key #3: Buy All The Cowboys Players Expensive Hookers The Night Before The Game
Get them all lubed up and relaxed twelve hours before game time and maybe they will be all jelly-legged and weak come kick off. If you're not cheating, you're not trying to win people!
Two Matchups To Watch:
Matchup #1: Bill Musgrave vs. His Own Big Fat Head
What's going on up there, Musgrave? Certainly not game-planning. Sometimes I wonder what his skull is actually filled with, brains or Cheese-Whiz? Every time the cameras pan over to Musgrave and his kiddie play sheet, I feel my face get hot, and my blood pressure rise. He'd be repulsive to look at even if the offense was top-5 and dominating. Right now it's all just painful.
Matchup #2: The Wet Tissue Paper That Is The Vikings Defense vs. The Comparable Freight Train That Is Any Other Team's Offense
This Vikings defense is going to end up being historically bad. Come season's end, I have no doubt the Vikings will have set dubious franchise records for yards allowed, touchdowns allowed, and opponents 3rd down conversion percentage. That's could be just the tip of the iceberg. Watching this defense attempt to stop even mildly competent NFL offense is difficult. Just like a car that is stalled on the train tracks of the continental railroad, we all know the eventual result is not going to be good.
Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week
I haven't hit on one of these since I called a big game by Harrison Smith five weeks ago, so I'm going with the Vikings best player in the hopes he has his best game of the year. You guessed it, Adrian Peterson, your Minnesota Vikings!
The Cowboys gave up 131 yards to the Lions on the ground last week so lets hope that trend continues! 150 yards/2 TD for Adrian this week.
Final Takes
What more is there to say? The Vikings are terrible, and the Cowboys are likely a playoff team out of the NFC East.
The 'Boys have a viable NFL offense that blocks, runs, throws and catches footballs. The Vikings have a defense that seems to be afraid of the brown, oblong animal skin thing that occasionally comes near them. Don't touch it! The Vikings give away the pigskin like they're a bunch of whiney vegans taking a "stand" (sorry, Droogsy).
Sundays this season have been good for one thing and one thing alone lately, and that's drinkin', bud.
Destroyed in Dallas, Debacle in Dallas, Dicking Around in Dallas, whatever the Monday headline is going to be, the game ain't gonna be pretty. Can't even put lipstick on this pig.
Final Score
Minnesota Vikings: 20
Dallas Cowboys: 28
There you have it, Vikings fans: Dicking Around In Dallas. On the bright side, the season is half over! Nowhere to go but up!
For more Mike Otto be sure to give him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). The line between sad & entertaining runs awfully thin on a Sunday. He can also be found right here on Newest Industry contributing to our Trendsetting column.
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