“It's gonna happen, Josh, and it
starts tomorrow. Don't ask me why, I just feel it in my broken
bones...”
Well helloooo football fans!
Welcome back to Ten & Six With Mike Otto!
Folks, it's been 12 long weeks but
we're finally here. It's Border Battle Sunday! Vikings! Packers!
NFC North battle! Wild card battle! Really, it doesn't get much
more fun than this.
For those who are new to the Ten &
Six experience, Mike Otto is Newest Industry's resident football
experience. He's also a diehard Vikings fan and, if you really
haven't noticed at any point over the previous 12 weeks, he has quite
a distaste for that Green Bay squad.
Each week Mike stops by to break
down the upcoming Vikings game and to give us his picks for the rest
of the league.
Michael, what's the story for Week
13?
Welcome back to Ten
& Six! It was an average week for my picks, which went 7-6, and
a rough week for the Vikings, who lost 28-10 to the Chicago Bears.
(Editor's note: Including Thursdays missed pick Mike is now sporting a 118-75-1 record for the season)
In my opinion the
game was a lot closer than the score indicates. There were moments
early in that game where control of the momentum was right there for
the taking. Although it is discouraging that the Vikings could not
capitalize on the opportunities they created for themselves, I am
encouraged that the team was able to create those opportunities in
the first place.
If the Vikings had
been sharper and cold-blooded in the first quarter it's a whole
different game. The drops on perfect passes are unacceptable, as are
the fumbles with minimal contact. The game plan for victory was
there, the execution of the game plan was not.
The good news is
poor execution can be improved and corrected. I would be more
dismayed if the Vikings had been blatantly outsmarted on Sunday,
which they most definitely were not.
Looking “big
picture,” the Seahawks, Saints, Bucs, and Packers all lost, so the
Vikings lost no ground in the wild card race. The Purple also sees
the Bears again in two weeks at the Metrodome (where they're a much
different team).
This is far from
over, people! Much more on the Vikings later! Let's get into some
league picks.
Seattle
(6-5) at Chicago (8-3)
As much as I hate
Jay Cutler, I have to admit he has a fucking rocket arm. When Cutler
is focused things go well for the Bears. It's only if the Bears get
behind that the downside of Jay Cutler comes out. He gets down on
himself and his teammates and starts to think he has to do everything
all alone, which generally leads to turnovers and a greater deficit
for his team.
None of this will
matter Sunday because Pete Carroll's team couldn't win a road game if
their dicks were on the line. Bears win 24-17.
Houston
(10-1) at Tennessee (4-7)
The Titans just
lost to the freaking Jaguars. Seems as though the Titans play better
when Matt Hasselback starts over The Jake Locker.
When you open The
Jake Locker all you find are a few banana peels, a shoulder brace,
and a copy of Football For Dummies. No talent in The Jake
Locker, sorry Titans fans. Texans win east 35-17.
New
England (8-3) at Miami (5-6)
The Dolphins pulled
off a big win against the Seahawks at home last week.
The Patriots were
the benefactors of the most embarrassing NFL performance in a long
time... maybe ever.
Both these teams
are coming off wins and their starting quarterbacks have hot wives.
The similarities end their though.
The Patriots are
starting to look scary. I wouldn't be surprised to see them win it
all. Bill Belechick is the best coach in the NFL and I had no idea
who the Dolphins coach was until I looked it up. FYI: It's something
called “Joe Philbin,” and his team will lose this week 28-16.
Jacksonville
(2-9) at Buffalo (4-7)
Jesus Christ! What
a terrible game! This is the NFL equivalent of a pick-up water polo
game.
Chad Henne vs. Ryan
Fitzpatrick is a tough sell for people who care about these teams. I
would rather sleep on a bed of tacks for a week than watch this
freaking game.
The Buffalo Bills
win the “Blackout Bowl” 16-13.
Indianapolis
(7-4) at Detroit (4-7)
Chuckstrong goes to
Detroit!
Let's all hope
Chuck Pagano doesn't travel with the team. One weekend in Detroit
and not only will his cancer come out of remission, he'll pick up
Hepatitis C, syphilis, Crohn's Disease, and diabetes.
The Lions season is
officially lost and Ndamukong Suh is happy because he can shift his
complete focus to his #1 passion: hurting people.
Mister Suh gets so
many traffic tickets one might this his name should be Sue Ndamukong.
Get it? Because women can't drive! Colts win 24-20.
Carolina
(3-8) at Kansas City (1-10)
I had some jokey
jokes and rib ticklers written out for this game. Brady Quinn this,
Matt Cassel that... so on and so forth. After Saturday morning's
tragic murder-suicide in Kansas City it seemed inappropriate to poke
fun at anything to do with the Chiefs organization.
Hopefully
commissioner Roger Goodell comes to his senses and at least lets
Chiefs players/coaches decide if they want to play on Sunday.
Whenever KC plays,
I'll be rooting for them. Chiefs win a game for their city 23-21.
I hope they put the
money from ticket sales towards a college fund for the now orphaned 3
month old child of the deceased. Please, keep everyone involved with
this tragedy in your thoughts. Yes, even Brady Quinn.
San
Francisco (8-2-1) at St. Louis (4-6-1)
Suddenly the Niners
are destroying everything in the their path. Doesn't matter who is
playing quarterback for the Niners as long as their defense keeps
doing their thing. Their relentless pressure on the quarterback has
led to many turnovers.
Whether it's Black
Irish or Alex Smith bears no consequence when there is only 30 yards
to the end zone. Niners dispatch the Rams easily 26-17.
Arizona
(4-7) at New York Jets (4-7)
The latest
installment of the Fat & Doomed soap opera that the New York
Jets have become was the best yet! Untouched 80 yard scores! Butt
fumbles! And worthless, self-appointed mascots throwing in the towel!
The Jets didn't
just lose, they weren't simply outperformed by a better team or
screwed by a few bad calls... No, in a span of 52 seconds of the 2nd
quarter, years of poor discipline, bad practices, and, one can only
assume, quite a few Double Whoppers, culminated in the Jets being
dismantled. Not by the Patriots, but by themselves.
Fuck the Jets!
That was the best football game I've watched in quite a while. Cards
win a garbage game 17-13.
Tampa Bay (6-5) at
Denver (8-3)
Earlier this year
we learned Josh Freeman was not the Ford Pinto of NFL quarterbacks.
Last week we learned he is not the Rolls Royce of quarterbacks
either. Most likely he is somewhere in between, so let's go with the
Jeep of quarterbacks. Serviceable, good for getting things done, but
probably going to completely break down in 10 years and cost you a
lot of money. Broncos win 27-21!
Cleveland
(3-8) at Oakland (3-8)
The Browns won last
week. I said they would lose. We all know what that means: Cat food
time for Big Swerve.
Yes, at the
beginning of the year I promised to eat cat food every time I
incorrectly predicted a Browns game. And you know I keep my
promises!
Brandon Weeden
suffered a concussion last Sunday against the Steelers and if he
can't play the Browns chances of winning decreases. That's right,
Cleveland fans, you currently live in a world where Brandon Weeden
playing is a good thing.
Tough call in this
one. The Raiders really do suck, but then again, the Browns really
suck too. I'm going to go with the home suck over the road suck.
Raiders win 24-21.
Cincinnati
(6-5) at San Diego (4-7)
In terms of
failure, dysfunction, and finding inventive new ways to lose the
Chargers are the Jets West.
Norva's run as the
first female head coach of an NFL team is nearing an end. I'm
honestly a little sad there are only 4 weeks of this left. Last week
Norva's defense allowed a check down of 4th & 28 to
gain 29 yards. Just classic. Can't wait to see how they lose this
week.
If you just can't
live without your dose of Norva next year, stop by the San Diego
Pump'n'Munch and ask for Norva's “Squee-Gee Special.” Just be
prepared for a pock-marked whore to come out in a wet t-shirt and
Daisy Dukes to wash your car and wax your shaft. Make sure to tip
Norva, she's behind on Barbella's child support payments. Bengals
win 23-16.
Pittsburgh
(6-5) at Baltimore (9-2)
The Steelers turned
the ball over 8 times last week! They still only lost by 6 points to
the Browns (God, the Browns are awful).
Moral of the story,
they need the Rapistberger back badly. Charlie Batch can't throw a
spiral anymore and it seems as though he can only throw it about 20
yards downfield.
What's Daunte
Culpepper up to? JaMarcus Russell? Brody Croyle? Ok, this is
getting sad.
(FYI: They are,
respectively, eating ham, drinking codeine syrup uner a bridge, and
masturbating for the fourth time today.)
Yeah, best to stick
with Batch. Ravens win 20-10.
Philadephia
(3-8) at Dallas (5-6)
Do you like sloppy,
undisciplined play? Do you like penalty-ridden football? How about
watching an overpaid secondary that has completely given up? If you
answered “yes” then this is the game for you!
I do like longtime
Eagles coach and walrus-in-chief Andy Reid and I'm a little sad to
see him go out like this. The Eagles might lose out going back to
Week 5.
Tony Romo and the
Cowboys can't fuck this up, right? Dallas wins 24-17.
New
York Giants (7-4) at Washington (5-6)
The Giants look
primed to hit their stride in December once again. That squad is
quite good at staying right in the thick of things September through
November and hitting the switch at the perfect time.
Bob III looked
great against the Cowboys, but this is a much better defense. Not to
mention one of the best coached teams in the league. Should be a fun
game with lots of fireworks. Giants win 27-24.
Now, on to the main
attraction:
MINNESOTA
VIKINGS (6-5) AT GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-4)
Border battle! My favorite week of the NFL season is here, it's
Vikings-Packers for the first time this season.
Anybody who thinks the Vikings can't go into Lambeau and win is
delusional! Some things need to be corrected and a couple things
need to go just right, but as we all know, “Anything is
possiblllllle!” (copyright: Kevin Garnet)
First off, the offense is going to need to have success downfield in
the passing game. Against the Bears last week Christian Ponder
attempted 8 passes of 10 yards or more. You know how many were
completed? One! You know who it was completed to? The Bears!
That's unacceptable and the blame is on Ponder and the receivers who
are failing to get open.
Also, the Vikings must play turnover-free football to win!
More on a few ways they can do that later. Let's look at some
positives and negatives from last week's loss. As always, we'll
start with the positives:
-The Gameplan I may be alone
in this, but I thought the Vikings coaches had a pretty solid plan in
place coming out of the bye. Time and time again the coaches dialed
up the right plays to convert key downs or scores only to have a
fumble, dropped pass, or underthrown ball waste the opportunity. As
of late the coaches have been consistent and the players have not.
-Brandon Marshall For
admitting later in the week that some NFL players take Viagra before
games. The whole “football isn't gay” argument is losing a
little steam. But really, I think we would all be able to spot a guy
that had popped a few boner pills before the game. Trent Dilfer, I'm
looking at you.
And, sadly, the negatives.
-Execution Plain and simple,
the offense sucked. It was sloppy and disorganized throughout the
game, but especially noticeable in the first quarter when it wasted a
nice start by the Vikings defense. Whether it was Jerome dropping a
3rd
down pass, Ponder underthrowing Rudolph in the end zone, or Blair
Walsh line-driving a chip shot field goal right into Julius Peppers'
hand, the offense was just pathetic. Let's not forget two Adrian Peterson fumbles. Just plain ugly.
-Christian Ponder Dear God
please just put some zip on the ball! Why can't you put any zip on
the ball?
Three Keys To A Vikings Victory
Key #1: Win the turnover battle.
The loss to the Bears put the Vikings at 0-5 when they lose the
turnover battle as opposed to 6-0 when they win or tie. Pretty
fucking cut & dry.
Key #2: Throw the ball to Kyle Rudolph one out of every three
passing plays.
With Percy back in Minneapolis Rudolph is your second-best athlete on
the field behind Adrian Peterson. He needs to see the ball a lot of
times, a lot of different ways. Sadly, out of all the receivers, he
probably has the best hands.
Key #3: Be sure to distract Mike McCarthy with something shiny
before the game.
Have a Vikings intern run over and drop off a jar of marbles or maybe
a glitter-speckled superball for him. That should keep McCarthy
occupied for the next few hours... maybe Clay Matthews too.
(Editor's note: Clay Matthews has officially been listed OUT
(Glitter-speckled superball). Well done, interns.)
Two Matchups To Watch
Matchup #1: TE Kyle Rudolph vs. LB Dezman Moses
It appears as though Clay Matthews will not play, opening the door for
a potential mismatch situation for the physical freak Kyle Rudolph.
Yah, he's as big as a reindeer and sure, his might be a little red,
but that's only because his veins surge with the blood of the fallen.
Matchup #2: All that is good, reasonable, stylish, intelligent,
and cultured vs. the fat, dopey, drunken, lumbering, oafish
collective of stupidity that is the Packers faithful
Seriously, fuck everything about the Packers though...
Mike's All-Purpose Flour Lock Of The Week
Christian Ponder, quarterback, YOUR Minnesota Vikings
285 yards, 3 TD, 0 INT.... SAY WHATTT??
Final
Takes
The Vikings are going to win this game. I'm certain they are! Don't
ask me how, it just feels like it.
Everything about the loss last week and the lead up to this Sunday
has the classic
“Vikings-pull-off-a-huge-upset-to-give-you-hope-only-to-destroy-it-in-three-weeks”
feel to it.
Fuck off, Lambeau. Take a powder, Rodgers. Vikings win!
Final
Score:
Minnesota Vikings: 28
Green Bay Packers: 24
Man, Border Battle weeks are the best! Big thanks to the homey
Mike Otto for stopping by to share a healthy mix of both hope &
vitriol. Really, well done.
For more of Mike's intoxicatingly delicious concoction, be sure to give
him a follow on Twitter (@SwervinTaters). If you think the hate's
flowing now, just wait until tomorrow.
Of course this blog also lives on Twitter (@NewestIndustry1) which
you should follow to stay up on the work being done by all of our
contributors. More importantly, we have a Facebook page here. Please
stop by and give us a “like.” Enough likes and we'll be able to
BUY glitter-speckled superballs for Week 17 rather than resorting to
stealing them.
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